21, married and wanting to start Uni

Watch
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
I was supposed to go to University when I was 18, but I was living in Portugal and kept delaying and delaying. I've been in serious relationships since a really young age - in Portugal I lived with my ex from the age of 17 till 19, and he was 10 years older than me. In 2014, I met my now-husband, who moved all the way from Brazil to live in the UK with me. We got married (we had to if we wanted any chance of living together), and we then moved to Dublin where we lived for 7 months. He has his UK Visa now, and we are living together in Sheffield. I'm 21 and he's 30.

When we first got together I had no doubt in my mind that he was the guy I wanted to be with forever. That's exactly why I married him. I thought we'd have kids one day, and basically live happily ever after. But it's like, since we moved back to the UK and we've finally got the chance to live together without worrying about documents and the future, I'm just pushing him further and further away. I keep questioning him about his past (I'm so worried about Brazilian culture and insecure about the girls there and stuff) and always picking fights with him. We've been violent to each other on a number of occasions.

It's like the relationship has gone completely downhill and I never expected this, but this is all mostly my fault. Now I've been accepted into University (Sheffield) to start in September, and I know it will be difficult to maintain this 'marriage' whilst living a student life. He doesn't trust me at all and I know he'll have a problem every time I want to go out.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know whether to stay in this marriage, work on my issues (even though it seems impossible...) or let him go back to Brazil and live his life while I start a new one here. I know it's not fair to keep him here, making him unhappy, questioning him all the time about completely irrelevant things from the past. One day I feel like I'm ready for this relationship, the next day I don't. I walk through Sheffield student accommodation every day on my way to work and I try to figure out if I'd suit living there. I've always wanted to live the student life and be young - after all, I've rushed into serious relationships since the age of 17-18 and pushed Uni to one side every time.

Is the grass greener on the other side?
I have absolutely no idea. Need advice!
0
reply
trapking
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#2
Report 5 years ago
#2
yeah your marriage is doomed.

May as well go separate ways it's clear you don't really love him.
0
reply
username1623349
Badges: 13
Rep:
?
#3
Report 5 years ago
#3
The two of you don't trust each other, you deliberately pick fights, you both think the other person will cheat, he wants to go back to Brazil, you spend half your days thinking the relationship isn't worth it, you want to move into uni accommodation rather than staying in your house, and you're violent towards one another. This marriage is incredibly unhealthy and you haven't even known each other for very long - less than two years and you're already married and want out.

It's time to end things and start anew, and maybe take things slower in your next relationships.
1
reply
user73867
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#4
Report 5 years ago
#4
(Original post by trapking)
yeah your marriage is doomed.

May as well go separate ways it's clear you don't really love him.
This guy is an idiot. It's incredible people feel the ability to divine the path of someone's life from 5 paragraphs of text. Things are rarely black and white.


Reference your living in Dublin....did you use the EU treaty rules to bypass the income visa requirements of you needing to earn £18,600 a year for your spouse to obtain a UK visa?

That said, it's clear your relationship has some serious issues. It can't be pleasant being insecure but you will take those insecurities with you wherever you go. You may as well try and face them with the man you love rather than run from them to have them come up in another relationship. It seems like you two have a big problem trusting each other? He's not happy with you partying at uni and you're worried about his past in Brazil. Have either of you cheated on the other or given a reason for you to not trust each other?

Either way, I think that's possibly the biggest issue here. You two don't trust each other. Every strong marriage is built on trust. Sometimes you just have to put the past behind you and take little steps of trust.

Congratulations on being accepted into Sheffield, it's a great university. Married people attend university all the time and there is married accommodation available at most universities. It can certainly work out. Perhaps university experience will help mature you and build up some self-confidence in yourself.


Finally, the violence against each other needs to stop now. Everything else can take time to be worked out but violence against each other is not going to solve any of your problems.

Your marriage is not doomed by definition. You can save it if you love each other enough. If you both want to, anything is possible.


SS
Last edited by user73867; 2 years ago
1
reply
Elm Tree
Badges: 13
Rep:
?
#5
Report 5 years ago
#5
Dudes using you for a visa
0
reply
user73867
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#6
Report 5 years ago
#6
(Original post by Elm Tree)
Dudes using you for a visa
My understanding of the situation may be wrong but if it's right it's extremely unlikely as OP doesn't qualify for a spousal visa under UK law. (I.E. You have to be earning over £18,600 for you to bring your foreign husband/wife into the UK for more than 3 months.)

So, if OP's husband is just looking for an easy visa he's probably chosen the wrong person.


SS
1
reply
Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#7
(Original post by Supersaps)
This guy is an idiot. It's incredible people feel the ability to divine the path of someone's life from 5 paragraphs of text. Things are rarely black and white.


Reference your living in Dublin....did you use the EU treaty rules to bypass the income visa requirements of you needing to earn £18,600 a year for your spouse to obtain a UK visa? (It's not overly relevant but I was in a similar position a few years ago.)


That said, it's clear your relationship has some serious issues. It can't be pleasant being insecure but you will take those insecurities with you wherever you go. You may as well try and face them with the man you love rather than run from them to have them come up in another relationship. It seems like you two have a big problem trusting each other? He's not happy with you partying at uni and you're worried about his past in Brazil. Have either of you cheated on the other or given a reason for you to not trust each other?

Either way, I think that's possibly the biggest issue here. You two don't trust each other. Every strong marriage is built on trust. Sometimes you just have to put the past behind you and take little steps of trust.

Congratulations on being accepted into Sheffield, it's a great university. Married people attend university all the time and there is married accommodation available at most universities. It can certainly work out. Perhaps university experience will help mature you and build up some self-confidence in yourself.


Finally, the violence against each other needs to stop now. Everything else can take time to be worked out but violence against each other is not going to solve any of your problems.

Your marriage is not doomed by definition. You can save it if you love each other enough. If you both want to, anything is possible.


SS
Thanks for your reply. Yeah we were doing the SS route whilst living in Dublin, you're right. We worked so hard to be able to live together and now we have the chance to live properly I just don't see the appeal anymore.

Might look into married accommodation. I just feel like everyone else has the chance to be young and live for themselves but I rushed into a marriage with a jealous man aged only 20 and now I'm looking back and realising that by doing that, I'm missing out on being young. I don't want ten years to pass and me to regret my life choices.

I do want it to work with him, but at the moment it feels like it's gonna have to either be uni or him, because of the issues we've got in the relationship.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#8
(Original post by Elm Tree)
Dudes using you for a visa
Yeah it's easy to make a snap judgement like that based on the situation, but actually he isn't at all.
0
reply
donutaud15
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#9
Report 5 years ago
#9
I've been married through out my uni years (and the final 2 years if my husband's uni years). It was never an issue. It's no more hard work than if you're single but that's just my opinion.

What do you mean by student life? Do you mean meeting new people and partying? Because you can totally do that while married. Just make an effort to include your spouse and try to understand if he feels annoyed/jealous/threatened if you go out partying alone with your new uni friends. It's normal. Or do you mean the sleeping around stereotype? If that's the case then end your marriage sooner rather than later. It's not fair on either of you if that's what you want to do.

Your marriage has issues (but perfect marriage is a rare thing) but if you both love each other unconditionally then you'll try to work things out. Sit down and talk about it.

It's normal to feel uncomfortable about your partner's past but what you have to think is he's far from Brazil and any ex and more importantly he's married to you because presumably he's in love with you. Not his ex(es).

Being violent to each other is never ok. Stop it. No ifs or buts. If you or he can't then get a divorce because that's not the life either of you deserve.

Finally serious relationships are ok at 17-18. It is however up to both of you to work on it. Wanting to be young is ok too. You are a young couple so just have fun just don't be immature about it.

Posted from TSR Mobile
1
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Should the school day be extended to help students catch up?

Yes (96)
27.51%
No (253)
72.49%

Watched Threads

View All
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise