The Student Room Group

Boyfriend or career? (specific situation this time!)

Hi everyone!

I have a minor difficulty of the "would you pick your man over your career" variety and, considering there's a couple of threads of this nature running on TSR at the moment in various forums, it might be a good time to post my slight problem. I'll try to keep it short, though - to be honest - I always try and it never happens, so apologies in advance. :smile:

Some of you may be aware that I started studying Medicine in Glasgow last September, and ended up deferring after I got rather unwell. I'm supposed to be going back this September, all being well health-wise. Unfortunately, I don't think I want to do that course any more (the idea of going back currently fills me with a sort of weary despair, which I don't think is a good sign!).

That wouldn't be such a big deal and I would just leave that course and do something else I'd enjoy more, but here's the rub; if I was going to do a different degree, I'd want to apply to the best universities, and while Glasgow is good for Med, Dentistry, Vet Med and so on, it's not the best for the stuff I'm actually interested in. Obviously I want to get the best degree I can, and my grades are such that I'd want to give Oxbridge a try, for instance.

However, my boyfriend is here in Glasgow and we live together. Quite apart from the fact that we really don't want to be parted, if I left it'd mean he had to leave our flat (he can't afford it on his own) and live wherever he could find a place. There are several other reasons, but to cut to the chase - I can't leave Glasgow until he's finished his degree (three years away).

My choices then, as I see them, are as follows:

1) Do Med, even though I don't really know if I want to. However, you have to be very dedicated and work very hard to qualify and I don't think it's the kind of course where you should just do it because you haven't got any better ideas.
2) Do a different degree at Glasgow, even though I could go to a better uni and thus presumably have better job prospects after graduating.
3) Wait three years and then go to another uni. Which means I won't graduate until I'm at least 28. However, I could do some Open Uni stuff and improve my chances of getting in for what I want.
4) Forget uni and get a job.

Basically, I'm staying with my bloke and, careers-wise, probably ****ing up badly... I'm asking you for ideas or suggestions for other courses of action. Anything you've got. Hell, convince me that it's okay to leave my boyfriend here if you can. I've been fretting about this for weeks and I need some help!

Thanks a lot guys. :tsr2:

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Reply 1
Ok I dont even need to read the post... Career first... then boyfriend... always put urself first... otherwise he owns you! lol!

Have you asked him what you should do? If he really loves you... he'll say go for the job... if he doesnt... well then he doesnt love you, and whats the point being with him anyway...??? lol

Hope that helps... ;grin;
Reply 2
Maybe your b'friend can get a friend to move in with him and then he can move in with you when his degree if finished??? if you do med it takes like 6 yrs , aint it? always put your career first!:smile:
Reply 3
DaChronik
Ok I dont even need to read the post... Career first... then boyfriend... always put urself first... otherwise he owns you! lol!

Have you asked him what you should do? If he really loves you... he'll say go for the job... if he doesnt... well then he doesnt love you, and whats the point being with him anyway...??? lol

Hope that helps... ;grin;


You really should have read the post :p:

OP: If he loves you as much as he should, he'll be ok with not having you there while you finish your degree. If not, oh well. But I think that if you don't do what ultimately makes you happy, you'll regret it, even if you and him are together forever.
ISH
OP: If he loves you as much as he should, he'll be ok with not having you there while you finish your degree. If not, oh well. But I think that if you don't do what ultimately makes you happy, you'll regret it, even if you and him are together forever.


You think? :frown:
Reply 5
Why not give a LDR a try? It's working for me and there's no-way I would een consider loosing my boyfriend... I want both and I shall have both.

If you want both you can make it work and if your boyfriend wants whats best for you he will help you get what you want. :smile:
Reply 6
First of all, I'd just like to say I really feel for you - I'm not surprised you've been fretting. But think of it like this, if you don't go and a) get a job or b) do a degree at Glasgow just to make him happy, would YOU be happy?

I suspect the answer to be no. And in that case, you'd grow resentful of him "holding you back" anyway. Relationships are there to support us, and I think your boyfriend would want you to get the most out of university.

Hanging around for three years while he does a degree will be a bad move.

Phantom Phoenix

That wouldn't be such a big deal and I would just leave that course and do something else I'd enjoy more, but here's the rub; if I was going to do a different degree, I'd want to apply to the best universities, and while Glasgow is good for Med, Dentistry, Vet Med and so on, it's not the best for the stuff I'm actually interested in. Obviously I want to get the best degree I can, and my grades are such that I'd want to give Oxbridge a try, for instance.
QUOTE]

I think you should totally go for it. It won't necessarily mean your relationship is over, there are plenty of people who have long-distance relationships while at uni.
Reply 7
Career first. Your career sets you up for life, your boyfriend doesn't
foxiroxi
Why not give a LDR a try? It's working for me and there's no-way I would een consider loosing my boyfriend... I want both and I shall have both.

If you want both you can make it work and if your boyfriend wants whats best for you he will help you get what you want. :smile:


I have thought about it a lot, but we're extremely close and he's worried about us growing apart - particularly since we'd be going from living together to being really far apart. It's not like we'd be going from girlfriend and boyfriend living with our parents...we're used to being constantly together. It'd be a hell of a change.

Edit: Oh, and to the person who suggested a friend moving in with him - it's a one-bedroom flat, so the only way someone could move in with him doesn't bear thinking about! :wink:
Okay, I just spoke to my boyfriend; he read the thread and was honestly shocked and upset that everyone's advising me to leave him.

I'm really not sure what to do - I suppose the fact that I'm getting a unanimous response on here is a big clue, and the fact that if I was the one giving advice I'd be saying the same thing is another one. I know it'd be better for me to do a degree I enjoy - probably something along the lines of Psychology and Philosophy, or some such - but I'm not sure how he'd cope or, come to that, how I would.

Hell. Has anyone else been in a remotely similar situation? Seriously, I'll take any advice at the moment.
Reply 10
Phantom Phoenix
I have thought about it a lot, but we're extremely close and he's worried about us growing apart - particularly since we'd be going from living together to being really far apart. It's not like we'd be going from girlfriend and boyfriend living with our parents...we're used to being constantly together. It'd be a hell of a change.

Edit: Oh, and to the person who suggested a friend moving in with him - it's a one-bedroom flat, so the only way someone could move in with him doesn't bear thinking about! :wink:


But you won't grow apart if your truely ment to be :smile:

If you want something bad enough you will make it work. :smile:

Talk to your boyfriend, make him see how important it is to you to go to a different uni and tell him that you still want to be with him aswell.

I sometimes can't see how people can consider choosing...Would you rather dump your boyfriend and go to the uni thats best for you then at least try to do what you want AND keep the relationship? :smile:

The most important thing you need to do is make sure you do whats best for you. So if you have to choose then it should be career however there's no reason at all why you can't do both. :smile:

If you decide asap you can help your boyfriend find a cheeper place to live and make sure his settled before you go to the uni you want.

Hope it helps but if you choose one or the other you will spend your life saying "what if" whereas you need to give both a try, you've got to throw yourself at this world sometimes and grab everything you want. :smile:
Reply 11
maybe he could get a transfer from his course to the same uni as you or a uni close-by to yours:smile: would he be willing to do that???
Reply 12
ISH
You really should have read the post :p:


Ok Ive read it lol.

Ok NOW I see why youve got a problem... And damn I think that is a problem!

Have you looked at uni's closer to Glasgow? So maybe you could still live with him, but being doing the degree you want at a uni you want? Damn... ur in quite a pickle arnt u? Id go with whatever makes you happy in THE LONG RUN! Dont stay with him now, if in two years your gonna be a bum, that he wont wanna be with... Ok thats extreme but Im sure you can see where Im coming from?

About the similar situation... Me and my gf (well ex) broke up so I could concentrate on exams instead of herr, I must say that didnt really work cos I still havent done my exams and Im thinkin about taking her back... *sigh* but I think that calls for another thread... cos Im confused with that too! lol relationships! Cant live with them, cant live without them...
Reply 13
I don't think people here are advising you leave him, however I do think you should consider what makes you happy.
I currently live over 300 miles away from my boyfriend, and I'm moving even further afield to Russia next year. The point is, if you both want the relationship to work, and are willing to put effort into that as well as your respective educations and careers, there's no reason why you can't have your cake and eat it too. A long distance relationship is certainly a strain, but if both people want it enough, and don't take each other for granted it can work. Good luck xxx
DaChronik
Ok Ive read it lol.

Ok NOW I see why youve got a problem... And damn I think that is a problem!

Have you looked at uni's closer to Glasgow? So maybe you could still live with him, but being doing the degree you want at a uni you want? Damn... ur in quite a pickle arnt u? Id go with whatever makes you happy in THE LONG RUN! Dont stay with him now, if in two years your gonna be a bum, that he wont wanna be with... Ok thats extreme but Im sure you can see where Im coming from?

About the similar situation... Me and my gf (well ex) broke up so I could concentrate on exams instead of herr, I must say that didnt really work cos I still havent done my exams and Im thinkin about taking her back... *sigh* but I think that calls for another thread... cos Im confused with that too! lol relationships! Cant live with them, cant live without them...


Heh, at least I'm not the only one who's mixed up! :p:

There's absolutely no chance I'll break up with him, to answer the question I think a couple of posters raised - we'd stick it out long-distance, hopefully. *sigh* I wish I still wanted to be a bloody doctor, I'll tell you that much!

Oh, and to answer - was it decky? - I'm sure he would transfer for me if it was possible, so yes, that's worth considering. Thanks for that. :smile: Only trouble is, I don't know how many Arts students transfer into top universities from Glasgow... :s-smilie:
Hey Phoenix :smile: I know you seem pretty intent on changing courses but can you explain why you feel this dread about going back to do medicine? You must have been pretty dedicated in the first place to get on the course (I know about these things :biggrin:) so do you not think that perhaps if you just get stuck back in you'll remember why you wanted to be a doctor to begin with? I can't help thinking you might regret not taking advantage of a place at med school, especially if they've held it for you for a year.
Reply 16
Phantom Phoenix

Oh, and to answer - was it decky? - I'm sure he would transfer for me if it was possible, so yes, that's worth considering. Thanks for that. :smile: Only trouble is, I don't know how many Arts students transfer into top universities from Glasgow... :s-smilie:


Yes i see your point, you could post in the creative arts forum and ask if any arts students have transerred from a lower ranking uni into one of the top unis?? just an idea...
Phantom Phoenix

Oh, and to answer - was it decky? - I'm sure he would transfer for me if it was possible, so yes, that's worth considering. Thanks for that. :smile: Only trouble is, I don't know how many Arts students transfer into top universities from Glasgow... :s-smilie:


It's tough isn't it.

I had to take a job last year which involved me moving a few hundred miles away from my girlfriend after living with her. It was a difficult decision to make and logically probably the proper one.

We split, but there is no reason you have to, just don't make decisions that are going to ruin your long term future over short term happiness :smile:
Reply 18
Dero
just don't make decisions that are going to ruin your long term future over short term happiness :smile:


Very valid point when you put it that way, Dero
I think the general concensus from this thread is that the answer to your dilemma is hilariously obvious; hilarious because we all know you're going to stick with your man and learn the hard way that love really doesn't have a great effect on your ability to be objective.

Still, I don't envy your position - either option you take you lose, but you stand to lose so much more by not chasing your ambitions.