why do i feel like this/ why does this happen?Watch
i've been described as 'confused' quite a lot by friends etc. because i can be 'inconsistent' idk if thats the correct word to describe it, like i can wake up sometimes feeling completely refreshed, revitalized- a mantra going through my head 'f*** the idiots who have **** to say to you, you're awesome etc, you're gonna ace that exam/ day etc etc., so i walk around feeling like i'm a boss but then i have these other days when i feel something is holding me back- not physically but i do feel tired, feeling down for no reason, i just don't want to eat- i am hungry but the hunger isn't as strong as usual (does that even make sense), i feel like a complete and utter failure (i failed last year sixth form, repeating)- so then i start thinking what's the point, you're so sh** at everything, (also i'm not well-liked by people in school because i'm 'independant' and don't like to follow the lastest trends etc - i guess that makes me unlikable, i can literally count my friends on one hand)--then i can begin to think there's something wrong with me, there's a reason not many people like me- i feel all these negative thoughts and it can even make my head hurt sometimes. it can even make me feel angry that i'm so pathetic and i can't just be normal. i do admit i have these kinda 'days' sometimes where one day i just cba with anything, feel hopeless(i think that words describes it perfectly) and other says i'm told i'm so hyper and childlike and i literally don't give an eff -it's like when i wake up the feeling determines how i'll feel, does that make sense, i'm not even sure it makes sense to me tbh.
i feel all over the place at times, like this other day my friends ended up talking about me and they told me some surprising things that i didn't realize, they told me that i have this 'look' sometimes that i'm 'capable of doing anything at times' (not in the sense of achieving my dreams, but that idk (quote) you're eyes show that you have this anger bubbling inside of you that makes you look like you're gonna explode at any moment and do something extreme and you don't even realize (unquote) i'm not even joking they literally said this to me --> (to put it in simple terms my friends insinuated i'm a psychopath)
i even have this feeling generally where i'm extremely paranoid, where while i'm eating/ doing work at school,(or at home sometimes) i'll just scope (is that the right word?) the area, lean back on my chair, look up for anything 'suspicious'-i don't even know what it is i'm looking for, i feel someone/something is out to get me/ listening in on my conversation etc. so that they can incriminate me-( do i sound like a mad person yet?) i even have a habit of telling people to speak quietly when they're talking to me cos i feel so paranoid at times- when i feel not so jolly and like complete crap this feeling just heightens. Also when i'm in a room and the doors closed no matter how comfortable i'm sat i have to get up a couple of times open and close the door-(idk its the paranoid feeling that plays up on me) and if i don't open and close the door i get this niggling feeling like i'm done for- something going to happen to me,
When i was younger i distinctly remember this feeling associated with the phone ringing because i always felt that someone was out to get me, so when the phone rang i automatically assumed that someone was ringing to get me in trouble- it completely petrified me to the extent i felt like i was going to sh** myself when the phone rang, i'd get that sinking feeling- i still get this feeling when i hear the phone ring unexpectedly or if its one of those days where the phone keeps ringing (people ringing in general, telemarketers, machines etc)
i even used to avoid standing near windows at night cos i thought someone was outside waiting for me to come into view so that the could sho*t me- i have no idea where i cam upwith this, i still avoid window even though i know it is completely irrational to, i'm okay during the day though)
idk these things sometimes make me question my sanity (idk i bottle these things up, but i'm know my friends know i'm paranoid- but sometimes i feel like i'm not who i am... i'm just going to stop, none of this makes a lot of sense to me at the best of times) i'm just kinda expecting someone to give me a valid reason why this might happen or talk to someone (if there is someone) who experiences thee things