I'm 25 and my boyfriend, 28, and I have been together 5 years. We used to have a really healthy sex life and would do it most days, sometimes several times a day, and that was for the first 3 years or so. He always seemed so excited by me and would pretty much always be the one to initiate.
Three years into the relationship, he had a few health problems, including something down below which caused him discomfort, and we didn't do it for ages. In our fourth year together, we only did a few times that whole year, and it felt a bit forced and weird?
The year before last, we tried to do it a few times, but it caused him discomfort and the last time we tried he wasn't able to get it up at all. He felt really embarrassed and guilty but I made sure I was very supportive and understanding. I have always been very gentle and compassionate with him about it, as it's not really his fault, and that's how I'd hope he'd be with me if I had a problem.
But, it's now been a year. A whole YEAR! So I'm getting really worried about what this means for us. We were long distance for a while and then we moved in together for a few months which I hoped would get things started again. Some couples may be happy having no sex at all, but it never used to be this way with us, and this isn't right for me. He insists that he does still find me really attractive, but I can't help but feel a bit neglected sexually.
I really don't think he has met anyone else or anything like that. He's very loyal and sensitive and often talks about marriage and kids with me and so on. We're very close with each other's families. Another reason why it makes it so hard, and the thought of losing him breaks my heart.
I find it really difficult to talk to him about it because when I do try he clams up and says I don't understand and just need to support him. The last time he explained how he felt, he said he thinks it's because he has negative associations with sex since the health problems, and also feels he has put on weight which has affected his body image and he struggles to get in the mood because he feels unattractive. When we're cuddling in bed, if I touch his tummy he'll quickly move my hand. I've reassured him so many times that I still think he's gorgeous and he's not overweight at all.
I've said to him that maybe he needs to see the doctor again and that I'd be more than happy to go with him for support, but he's reluctant. He said there's nothing more they can do.
The worst part of the whole thing is that he doesn't even want to be intimate in other ways. He can still be cute and affectionate which is nice, like he still holds my hand and cuddles me at least, but that's about it. If I were the one with the problem, I would still want to pleasure him in other ways if we couldn't have actual sex?
It all just feels a bit hopeless and is making me feel so lonely in the relationship. I hate feeling like I'm nagging him or making him feel bad about something out of his control. I would hate to hurt his feelings, it's a strange situation.
Never have sex anymore :( Watch
- Thread Starter
- 31-01-2016 18:39
- 31-01-2016 18:46
so if the doctors can't find out why he's lost his sex drive, maybe just help him improve his health
- 31-01-2016 18:48
This doesn't sound nice. I know I would feel the same way as you, sex is an important part of most relationships.
I'm not really sure how to fix it, but here are a few suggestions:
- Firstly, it does sound like he needs to go back to the doctors to me, it sounds like there are some deeper underlying problems here
- Don't stop being affectionate, eventually it will help boost his confidence
- If he doesn't feel comfortable in his body, maybe you could suggest running together or something? I'm not saying he is overweight and you could just suggest it as something you want to do / something that would be nice to do together?
I'm sorry I can't think of any good suggestions :/
- 31-01-2016 18:51
You are justified in feeling down. He can still be affection in other ways which he is not. You should demand intimacy which he is not interested in anymore. If he doesn't give you that then you should call it a day and another boyfriend. Seems like he doesn't appreciate you even though you have stayed with him and been supportive to him.