Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

My friend has changed alot Watch

Announcements
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hey everyone Im new here, I mostly made this account to ask this question.

    I have this friend who left for uni last september, I was happy for them, obviously I was bummed out a bit because I wouldnt get to see them again until christmas. anyway they started posting about how much they hated their hometown and how terrible it was on social media, this really hurt me and quite a few of their other friends, as this person was something special to us they used to be the kindest person we knew, we went out of our way for them at times we had other demanding priority's,

    I believed this started after they got involved in a relationship where their partner lived in another city, I thought they were just looking through the rose tinted glasses, I turned out to be wrong. anyway after the summer they promised they would meet up with us and do things but they never did. up until a few days before they left where I planned a farewell and even then they only stayed for an hour, I did a lot of errands for them whilst they were away, I called in with their mum just to make sure she was okay as I knew there was family problems, I had nearly absolutely no contact from this person what so ever up until Christmas, i sent messages that got no response and when I did get a response they were about how sorry she was for not replying and how she was so busy I understand its UNI so I only really sent a message once a month, they spend most of the day on facebook. she started boating about how funny and quirky her new friends were, they had taken a constant snapchat everyday, whilst it was near impossible for us to get one together before they left, we had to beg them.

    anyway it got to christmas, I planned to do a few things with them and they were all for it. It got to a few days before we were meant to go and do stuff and they ignored my message completely for 2 days so I messaged them and I got the typical im so sorry response "we'll do something in Easter", so I decided to say something about all this and ask if i did something wrong or if they didn't want to see me, they must of felt bad or something because they eventually agreed to do something before they left, even so they still arrived late and hardly spoke and when they did it was about how much better their uni friends were to us, that was the last straw for me, I couldn't wait for them to leave.

    Christmas passed. I dont know why but they started messaging once every week at the beginning of January, It seemed like they were back to their old self, the person that I was close with, that obviously didn't last, I messaged one day just to see how they were getting on and they didn't reply for over a week, when they did they only asked if one of their friends could use my netflix I found out from the person that was meant to be their best friend that they had been copying and pasting messages and sent everyone the same message after we compared them and they felt the exact same way as I did, so they played me for the fool, again. I brought it up to them one day about how it took them a week to reply and they got really defensive,

    after that ive just stopped putting in the effort it really hurts and has made me doubt my own plans of going to uni, and the friendships I have currently. Was this my fault? I felt like they made me feel as if I was being over bearing every time I texted them even though it was monthly, I just feel so used especially after what I did for them and their family. I should've saw it coming after those posts about hating our hometown. there are others who feel the same way I do Is this just our inexperience with university? or are we responsible in anyway?


    Im really sorry if i posted this in the wrong place, I havent taken the time to get used to the site and please forgive me for my grammer.

    thank you for your patience and responses.

    Brokilon
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    No it's not your fault but I think you have to accept that sometimes people change, a lot of time for the better in the long run, and that you can't force something that isn't there. At the end of the day, it's not a friendship if one of you is having to work and the other just isn't trying. As much as you may miss them as a friend it sounds as if you both would be better off just leaving it and letting each other get on with your lives. I'm not saying cut them out or anything but I'm sure you have other friends that care about you and you can focus on other things if you're not constantly thinking about where you're relationship is at. Maybe moving away has allowed them to discover a new side of their personality that they're trying to celebrate, as is a huge part of the Uni experience and part of that is completely immersing yourself in student life which is difficult when of you're constantly trying to keep in contact with everyone back home. In the future you may well reconnect and become close friends again but for now, let them know you're there if they need you but don't stress about it, you obviously care about them but you should also value their happiness and if they don't seem up to keeping in contact all the time you need to respect that, no ones at fault, it's just a part of life. I do hope you are able to reconnect but for now just get on with doing things you love and being around the people you want to be around instead of stressing over something you can't really change. Good luck op
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Blondie987)
    No it's not your fault but I think you have to accept that sometimes people change, a lot of time for the better in the long run, and that you can't force something that isn't there. At the end of the day, it's not a friendship if one of you is having to work and the other just isn't trying. As much as you may miss them as a friend it sounds as if you both would be better off just leaving it and letting each other get on with your lives. I'm not saying cut them out or anything but I'm sure you have other friends that care about you and you can focus on other things if you're not constantly thinking about where you're relationship is at. Maybe moving away has allowed them to discover a new side of their personality that they're trying to celebrate, as is a huge part of the Uni experience and part of that is completely immersing yourself in student life which is difficult when of you're constantly trying to keep in contact with everyone back home. In the future you may well reconnect and become close friends again but for now, let them know you're there if they need you but don't stress about it, you obviously care about them but you should also value their happiness and if they don't seem up to keeping in contact all the time you need to respect that, no ones at fault, it's just a part of life. I do hope you are able to reconnect but for now just get on with doing things you love and being around the people you want to be around instead of stressing over something you can't really change. Good luck op
    Hello, Thank you for replying. A lot of this stuff started happening during the summer, we all tried to make the most of the time we had with them, there was a day we planned a trip to another city that they were more familiar with than us, and they just ran off and got a lift with their partner and told us to do our own thing less than half an hour whilst we were there. I think im missing the person that they used to be, they were a great friend once upon a time and after Christmas, Ive just decided to let them contact me from now on. Just the statuses about hating everything and everyone at home before they left should've been the whistle blower
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Brokilon)
    Hey everyone Im new here, I mostly made this account to ask this question.

    I have this friend who left for uni last september, I was happy for them, obviously I was bummed out a bit because I wouldnt get to see them again until christmas. anyway they started posting about how much they hated their hometown and how terrible it was on social media, this really hurt me and quite a few of their other friends, as this person was something special to us they used to be the kindest person we knew, we went out of our way for them at times we had other demanding priority's,

    I believed this started after they got involved in a relationship where their partner lived in another city, I thought they were just looking through the rose tinted glasses, I turned out to be wrong. anyway after the summer they promised they would meet up with us and do things but they never did. up until a few days before they left where I planned a farewell and even then they only stayed for an hour, I did a lot of errands for them whilst they were away, I called in with their mum just to make sure she was okay as I knew there was family problems, I had nearly absolutely no contact from this person what so ever up until Christmas, i sent messages that got no response and when I did get a response they were about how sorry she was for not replying and how she was so busy I understand its UNI so I only really sent a message once a month, they spend most of the day on facebook. she started boating about how funny and quirky her new friends were, they had taken a constant snapchat everyday, whilst it was near impossible for us to get one together before they left, we had to beg them.

    anyway it got to christmas, I planned to do a few things with them and they were all for it. It got to a few days before we were meant to go and do stuff and they ignored my message completely for 2 days so I messaged them and I got the typical im so sorry response "we'll do something in Easter", so I decided to say something about all this and ask if i did something wrong or if they didn't want to see me, they must of felt bad or something because they eventually agreed to do something before they left, even so they still arrived late and hardly spoke and when they did it was about how much better their uni friends were to us, that was the last straw for me, I couldn't wait for them to leave.

    Christmas passed. I dont know why but they started messaging once every week at the beginning of January, It seemed like they were back to their old self, the person that I was close with, that obviously didn't last, I messaged one day just to see how they were getting on and they didn't reply for over a week, when they did they only asked if one of their friends could use my netflix I found out from the person that was meant to be their best friend that they had been copying and pasting messages and sent everyone the same message after we compared them and they felt the exact same way as I did, so they played me for the fool, again. I brought it up to them one day about how it took them a week to reply and they got really defensive,

    after that ive just stopped putting in the effort it really hurts and has made me doubt my own plans of going to uni, and the friendships I have currently. Was this my fault? I felt like they made me feel as if I was being over bearing every time I texted them even though it was monthly, I just feel so used especially after what I did for them and their family. I should've saw it coming after those posts about hating our hometown. there are others who feel the same way I do Is this just our inexperience with university? or are we responsible in anyway?


    Im really sorry if i posted this in the wrong place, I havent taken the time to get used to the site and please forgive me for my grammer.

    thank you for your patience and responses.

    Brokilon
    Sigh, it's very sad isn't it. I had a few friends in school do that aswell and it is horrible. The way I see it some of them drifted off and others have totally changed their lifestyle and don't want anything to do with me. (Which I don't understand and am very hurt about)

    My friends that I had in school have been in contact with me but it hasn't been anything like it was in the past. They are very, very different people now (even though, it has only been 18 months), I try to talk to them and it is difficult because I do not know what to say. I find myself doing all the work aswell which really doesn't make me want to bother as much.

    I get sad thinking about it. Especially those ones who decided that they must change their lifestyle and who they are once they go off to university. I don't understand that myself but if that's what they want to do, then so be it.

    My advice to you as someone who has gone through it and thought about it would be to try and STAY in contact with them! That was my stupid mistake, once I left school I just cut them off and didn't bother. The more you stay in contact the easier it gets, book days out etc.

    Expect them to change but it won't be as bad as it would be if you just stopped talking to them all together. Some will not want anything to do with you, do not bother with them. Chances are that they did not care about you initially.

    If your friendship was not strong do not try and maintain it.

    ----

    As for this person, I would not even bother to contact them again, it sounds like they don't care about you. It's sad but there's nothing you can do. You can't make someone like you.

    Leave it a while, don't message her and see what happens. I suspect she will not message you. If she does then maybe she is interested. I don't know but definitely hold back.

    I would be very upset if someone treated me like that. Especially when I went out of my way to contact them when I didn't need to. She sounds very selfish.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Brokilon)
    Hello, Thank you for replying. A lot of this stuff started happening during the summer, we all tried to make the most of the time we had with them, there was a day we planned a trip to another city that they were more familiar with than us, and they just ran off and got a lift with their partner and told us to do our own thing less than half an hour whilst we were there. I think im missing the person that they used to be, they were a great friend once upon a time and after Christmas, Ive just decided to let them contact me from now on. Just the statuses about hating everything and everyone at home before they left should've been the whistle blower
    Wow that's low! Inviting you to a city you've never been to and then ditching you? Sorry but I would'nt be bothering with someone like that.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    If you have to beg them to take a snapchat with you then that ain't no friend, lol. I'd quit making the effort with them cause they clearly don't care or reciprocate. Don't let them use you anymore, they have their new friends now, let them bear the responsibility.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    Maybe it's not that they don't care or don't like you. I think they've just moved on.
    • #1
    #1

    (Original post by Katarvi)
    If you have to beg them to take a snapchat with you then that ain't no friend, lol. I'd quit making the effort with them cause they clearly don't care or reciprocate. Don't let them use you anymore, they have their new friends now, let them bear the responsibility.
    man, it was like one last photo together and that was a massive problem. Ive found out through mutual friends that we all get the same message, at the same time, every time they bother to text. so they clearly arent putting in the effort or dont care enough to speak to us individually. Honestly its put a dampener on me the last few months. we planned as well to go to a neighboring city for a day at Christmas, which we were meant to do during the summer. hyped it up all the months they were away and just cancelled on me. texted me once looking for my streaming password and then ignored me for a week. I asked why it was so difficult to speak to them and they went off on me about responsibility and jobs. Im glad they finally understand the meaning of hard work as they never lifted a finger whilst they were here, always scrounged for money off of the rest of us. But Im sorry no matter how busy you are, it does not take a week to reply to a facebook message especially when your job is admining an advertisement page. they texted me recently but im apprehensive to reply now, from our last conversation I know im only their friend when it suits them
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Frostyjoe)
    Sigh, it's very sad isn't it. I had a few friends in school do that aswell and it is horrible. The way I see it some of them drifted off and others have totally changed their lifestyle and don't want anything to do with me. (Which I don't understand and am very hurt about)

    My friends that I had in school have been in contact with me but it hasn't been anything like it was in the past. They are very, very different people now (even though, it has only been 18 months), I try to talk to them and it is difficult because I do not know what to say. I find myself doing all the work aswell which really doesn't make me want to bother as much.

    I get sad thinking about it. Especially those ones who decided that they must change their lifestyle and who they are once they go off to university. I don't understand that myself but if that's what they want to do, then so be it.

    My advice to you as someone who has gone through it and thought about it would be to try and STAY in contact with them! That was my stupid mistake, once I left school I just cut them off and didn't bother. The more you stay in contact the easier it gets, book days out etc.

    Expect them to change but it won't be as bad as it would be if you just stopped talking to them all together. Some will not want anything to do with you, do not bother with them. Chances are that they did not care about you initially.

    If your friendship was not strong do not try and maintain it.

    ----

    As for this person, I would not even bother to contact them again, it sounds like they don't care about you. It's sad but there's nothing you can do. You can't make someone like you.

    Leave it a while, don't message her and see what happens. I suspect she will not message you. If she does then maybe she is interested. I don't know but definitely hold back.

    I would be very upset if someone treated me like that. Especially when I went out of my way to contact them when I didn't need to. She sounds very selfish.
    Ive done all the contact thus far, she copy and pastes the same message to us all, once every couple of months, then ignores the conversation completely after I reply, I had her crying infront of me, and I guess that was just crocodile tears. She had messaged me recently, and even thats become a joke of the rest of my friends comparing messages to see if we all got the same one, and we do most of the time.

    All I can say is that I understand the pain of it, I know how it feels, you compare yourself to their new friends and think maybe I wasnt worth knowing, But I got angry with her at the way she made me and others feel. she made herself a role model to everyone around her and then dropped everyone when she didnt have to put up with them. You've given me sound advice, that ive already put into practice since ive made this post. It does work Ive been avoiding anything to do with her, you dont feel terrible just skimming through your newsfeed over stuff that you dont have to look at anyway.

    I hope it gets better for you, If they have to change who they are after leaving they never had a shred of integrity or loyalty to begin with.

    Good luck frostyJoe,

    stay happy.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Related.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    To be honest B, I don't really know how to handle this situation myself. I've just been posting rants to Facebook about it because i've no one else to talk to. It frustrates me to no end but what can I do?

    I know they read my status's as they rise to the top of my Facebook chat and fall to the bottom when I stop them, that is no coincidence. I think they are getting a rise out of ignoring me which is not good. I really shouldn't be investing my mood into a person like that but I can't help it, I can't pretend like our friendship never existed.

    I wish I could just forget about them. Sometimes I do and then I see photos of them on Facebook and it brings it all back again. Yeah kinda fed up now, I just want them out of my life entirely especially when they don't give a **** about me.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 7, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Should Spain allow Catalonia to declare independence?
    Useful resources
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.