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Did my parents effect me more than I realized?? Watch

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    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    My uncle came round to talk to me a few hours ago and he was telling me how I've changed and that its sad to see me like this (isolated, sad, distant etc) compared to how I was when I was younger. He was telling me how my parents have been fighting with each other in front of us since we were little and using us (kids) as tools to fight with each other and how its obviously effected us immensely (my other brother is impulsive, isolated, angry).And how horrible it must have been but the thing is them fighting has always been a normal thing to us and them using us against each other (they still do it) and getting us so involved was very upsetting and stressful at times but we got used to it and it became normal. I never really looked at it as the cause of my unhappiness or my depression but now that he kinda put it into perspective it DOES make sense. He was telling me how when he first divorced his wife, his daughter (5/6) started doing badly in school etc but the difference is him and his wife never fight in front of the kids (they're about 10/12 now) and they communicate well and the kids see their parents both on a weekly basis. They were both mature enough to put their differences aside and put the children first. My parents divorced when I was around 4 and so the arguing and all that was always a normal environment for us. But the way he said it "you've dealt with more in your childhood (I'm 17) than most people have in their whole lifehood", it seemed a little dramatic. Like could this REALLY have effected me more than I realized and be the cause of most of my unhappiness. I still have a bad relationship with both my parents, me and my mum are constantly arguing and she doesn't understand why I hate her so much and my dad always puts me in the middle of them both with arguments (he'll tell me what's going on between them and try and make me pick sides with certain decisions) and he's really manipulative to make himself look like the hero and I didn't really see through it until a few months ago. I remember crying (he'd do this a lot but I only cried on 2 occasions at like 13 maybe) when my dad would tell me that I'd told my mum things I wasn't meant to (I really didn't and I think he'd tell the things he told me to other people and they'd tell her but he thought it was me) and I was siding with my mum and that I didn't care about him. I have brought that up when me and my dad have argued but he'd respond with "you don't remember the good things like when I took you out". I remember my mum constantly telling me that my brother was better because he doesn't "listen to the lies and bad things your dad says about me" and that I'd probably kill her if my dad asked me to do it. I thought my bad relationship with my parents was an external factor that was added to my unhappiness/depression but I never really looked at it as the core reason for all this brokenness in me. Did my parents effect me more than I realized??
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Sorry here are some paragraphsMy uncle came round to talk to me a few hours ago and he was telling me how I've changed and that its sad to see me like this (isolated, sad, distant etc) compared to how I was when I was younger. He was telling me how my parents have been fighting with each other in front of us since we were little and using us (kids) as tools to fight with each other and how its obviously effected us immensely (my other brother is impulsive, isolated, angry).And how horrible it must have been but the thing is them fighting has always been a normal thing to us and them using us against each other (they still do it) and getting us so involved was very upsetting and stressful at times but we got used to it and it became normal. I never really looked at it as the cause of my unhappiness or my depression but now that he kinda put it into perspective it DOES make sense. He was telling me how when he first divorced his wife, his daughter (5/6) started doing badly in school etc but the difference is him and his wife never fight in front of the kids (they're about 10/12 now) and they communicate well and the kids see their parents both on a weekly basis. They were both mature enough to put their differences aside and put the children first. My parents divorced when I was around 4 and so the arguing and all that was always a normal environment for us. But the way he said it "you've dealt with more in your childhood (I'm 17) than most people have in their whole lifehood", it seemed a little dramatic. Like could this REALLY have effected me more than I realized and be the cause of most of my unhappiness. I still have a bad relationship with both my parents, me and my mum are constantly arguing and she doesn't understand why I hate her so much and my dad always puts me in the middle of them both with arguments (he'll tell me what's going on between them and try and make me pick sides with certain decisions) and he's really manipulative to make himself look like the hero and I didn't really see through it until a few months ago. I remember crying (he'd do this a lot but I only cried on 2 occasions at like 13 maybe) when my dad would tell me that I'd told my mum things I wasn't meant to (I really didn't and I think he'd tell the things he told me to other people and they'd tell her but he thought it was me) and I was siding with my mum and that I didn't care about him. I have brought that up when me and my dad have argued but he'd respond with "you don't remember the good things like when I took you out". I remember my mum constantly telling me that my brother was better because he doesn't "listen to the lies and bad things your dad says about me" and that I'd probably kill her if my dad asked me to do it. I thought my bad relationship with my parents was an external factor that was added to my unhappiness/depression but I never really looked at it as the core reason for all this brokenness in me. Did my parents effect me more than I realized??
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    it refuses to go into paragraphs sorry
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    I'm really sorry you've had to go through something like that, it is possible it is affecting you more than you thought, especially if it has just been a normal part of your life. I would recommend speaking to the gp about your depression, if you haven't already, and I would perhaps recommend therapy so you can talk about the situation with an impartial party. Sorry I can't give you more advice but that's my point of view on it, I'm sure you'll get through it though, good luck
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My uncle came round to talk to me a few hours ago and he was telling me how I've changed and that its sad to see me like this (isolated, sad, distant etc) compared to how I was when I was younger. He was telling me how my parents have been fighting with each other in front of us since we were little and using us (kids) as tools to fight with each other and how its obviously effected us immensely (my other brother is impulsive, isolated, angry).And how horrible it must have been but the thing is them fighting has always been a normal thing to us and them using us against each other (they still do it) and getting us so involved was very upsetting and stressful at times but we got used to it and it became normal. I never really looked at it as the cause of my unhappiness or my depression but now that he kinda put it into perspective it DOES make sense. He was telling me how when he first divorced his wife, his daughter (5/6) started doing badly in school etc but the difference is him and his wife never fight in front of the kids (they're about 10/12 now) and they communicate well and the kids see their parents both on a weekly basis. They were both mature enough to put their differences aside and put the children first. My parents divorced when I was around 4 and so the arguing and all that was always a normal environment for us. But the way he said it "you've dealt with more in your childhood (I'm 17) than most people have in their whole lifehood", it seemed a little dramatic. Like could this REALLY have effected me more than I realized and be the cause of most of my unhappiness. I still have a bad relationship with both my parents, me and my mum are constantly arguing and she doesn't understand why I hate her so much and my dad always puts me in the middle of them both with arguments (he'll tell me what's going on between them and try and make me pick sides with certain decisions) and he's really manipulative to make himself look like the hero and I didn't really see through it until a few months ago. I remember crying (he'd do this a lot but I only cried on 2 occasions at like 13 maybe) when my dad would tell me that I'd told my mum things I wasn't meant to (I really didn't and I think he'd tell the things he told me to other people and they'd tell her but he thought it was me) and I was siding with my mum and that I didn't care about him. I have brought that up when me and my dad have argued but he'd respond with "you don't remember the good things like when I took you out". I remember my mum constantly telling me that my brother was better because he doesn't "listen to the lies and bad things your dad says about me" and that I'd probably kill her if my dad asked me to do it. I thought my bad relationship with my parents was an external factor that was added to my unhappiness/depression but I never really looked at it as the core reason for all this brokenness in me. Did my parents effect me more than I realized??
    These are absolutely classic hot housing conditions for you feeling the way you do. You were, and still are, a CHILD. You were never designed to be exposed to adult situations of this nature. Your job was to grow and flourish physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually in a loving , supportive environment. A plant needs the right conditions to take root and thrive. You should ask your G.P. To give you immediate help in the form of medication if he judges it is warranted but more importantly to refer you for supportive counselling, as that is what will deal with this primary issue. Sadness is the symptom of what you have been through. Now you know the cause you know that it is not your fault in any way and with help you can, and will, get through this. Your uncle seems insightful enough to recognise where this all started and that you are not ""naturally" just sad. He has shown that he cares about you. Now you care about yourself and make sure you get help to talk through all these traumas so that you can get insight into the tough hand life has dealt you so far, grow strong and move on. You are young; healing can come, and life can be great again. I wish you well. xx
    • #3
    #3

    No doubt environmental factors like household can mould a person

    Me and all my siblings are very quiet, anxious people.. It's strange because I'm confident and ambitious in my head but as soon as I have to talk to someone I'm not close to turn spaghetti mode and seem like an idiot.. I keep meaning to get a doctors appointment

    I've read papers / articles saying that even your parents not being confident around the house can make a child question themselves, as in they will look at their parents for reinforcement and if they don't look happy then then they question themselves which can lead to anxiety

    But yeah I reckon that was caused by my family, my dad was at work constantly so he was never here which put a burden on my mum who was obviously wasn't happy about the situation

    Sorry about the break up OP, it probably does warrant counselling, my parents havn't divorced but when I was younger my dad was never hear and occasionally argued, sucked not having a proper father figure
    • TSR Support Team
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    Your childhood environment sounds a lot like mine and I would say, from my experience, that there's a good chance this environments wasn't healthy and conductive to raising a confident child.

    My dad was never really around, he worked during the week and spent the weekends with his friends rather than family. When he was at home, he and my mother would argue all the time, I would hide in my room and cry pretty often as I don't like toxic environments. Even now if people are shouting at each other, it makes me feel upset and want to get as far away as possible.

    My dad left my mum during my first year at university (I left home for uni). The interesting bit is that me and my older sibling have both seen psychiatrists for various things. Whereas my little brother who was 14 when they divorced is popular, confident, hard-working - he wasn't subjected to their arguments during his teenage years. I think my parents definitely had a bad effect on both me and my older sibling.
    • #4
    #4

    Hi
    I can relat to a lot of the things you said. I'm 17 too, and so far my life story has been:
    I lived mostly with my grandparents until I was 3, when I went to live with my parents. They were always fighting, verbally and physically in front of me, which made me really scared and anxious. My dad always tried to turn me against my mum, saying bad things about her when it was time for a bedtime story. He's invent horrible stories about families where the mother was evil and the father died and things like that. My mum had bruises a lot of the time, she had to keep making up stories about how she 'fell down the stairs'. When I was 7, my dad left, and my mums depression/mental health deteriorated. She would physically and emotionally abuse me often, chasing me around the house and beating me up, this often happened in the street but no one ever said anything. Afterwards she'd feel guilty and spoil me.
    My dad would sometimes come visit maybe once a year. They'd always have fights. I already had anxiety and a biT of ocd due to the stress. I started getting symptoms of paranoid psychosis the hen I was 8. When I was ten it worsened because we moved country. My ocd got worse and so did my paranoia.
    I was referred to Camhs at 12. At 14 I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. In and out of hospital and care from the social services. Came home last year.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi
    I can relat to a lot of the things you said. I'm 17 too, and so far my life story has been:
    I lived mostly with my grandparents until I was 3, when I went to live with my parents. They were always fighting, verbally and physically in front of me, which made me really scared and anxious. My dad always tried to turn me against my mum, saying bad things about her when it was time for a bedtime story. He's invent horrible stories about families where the mother was evil and the father died and things like that. My mum had bruises a lot of the time, she had to keep making up stories about how she 'fell down the stairs'. When I was 7, my dad left, and my mums depression/mental health deteriorated. She would physically and emotionally abuse me often, chasing me around the house and beating me up, this often happened in the street but no one ever said anything. Afterwards she'd feel guilty and spoil me.
    My dad would sometimes come visit maybe once a year. They'd always have fights. I already had anxiety and a biT of ocd due to the stress. I started getting symptoms of paranoid psychosis the hen I was 8. When I was ten it worsened because we moved country. My ocd got worse and so did my paranoia.
    I was referred to Camhs at 12. At 14 I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. In and out of hospital and care from the social services. Came home last year.

    Wishing you and all the other posters the best for your futures.
    • #5
    #5

    I'm so sad to see how many of you guys understand this, I've felt this way for so long. My childhood was chaotic and I ended up very unwell from it, however I never realised it was my parents that affected me until I started looking at the things behind my core beliefs.

    It turns out I was neglected and abused, yet it was normal back then so I had no idea.

    The important thing to remember from difficult childhoods is that, you can get past this. You deserved better and your family did not provide that. It's okay to be angry, really ****ing angry. It's okay to be confused.

    Things will make more sense the more you understand yourself and the way you think, as you grow older it gets easier. Find someone to talk to about, people want to hear, what you think and feel is important.
 
 
 
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