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Tired of looking after my drunk friend Watch

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    TL;DR: I have a close friend who I care about a great deal, but I'm tired of our relationship being defined by me looking after her when she's drunk.

    I met this friend in our university football club. In my first year I was very shy, and she was one of the few older members that I felt comfortable talking to. In my second year, I started being more outgoing, and went to more socials, and we got progressively closer. On the surface we seem very different, but inside we're actually pretty similar, and we found we understood each other.

    Now my friend doesn't drink much apart from at socials, but when she drinks she tends to get completely hammered. To be fair, that's true of quite a few people in the club, and as I don't drink I started looking after the others on nights out. Looking after their stuff, checking up on them, getting them water when I think they need it, policing their alcohol intake if they'd asked me to in advance, that sort of thing.

    My friend tended to be the one that needed the most help. I've had to do things including pulling her away from a fight, letting her stay at mine because she couldn't remember where she lived, and on more than one occasion pretty much carrying her because she couldn't walk herself. A low point was having to get a bus driver to help carry her down the steps of the bus. She's a bit of a **** when she's drunk, but I could put up with it because I liked her so much when she was sober.

    The problem is that she's graduated now, and has a job, and with me still playing football at university we don't get to see each other much outside of football socials. That means that the majority of the time I spend with her now, she's drunk. I want her to be safe, but I'm getting tired of always feeling like I have to look after her. I don't really feel like I can ask anyone else to keep an eye on her, because they're drunk as well, but it ruins my nights out because I always feel I have to keep track of her. I also worry that by being there, she feels safer about drinking too much.

    I don't know how to solve this. I know how much it would hurt her if she found out I felt like this. Neither of us are very good at talking about feelings, and she only opens up when she's drunk. I'm getting to the point where I almost don't care anymore, and that terrifies me because she means so much to me. I don't want to miss out on football socials, and neither will she, but I almost dread her being there. Any advice?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    TL;DR: I have a close friend who I care about a great deal, but I'm tired of our relationship being defined by me looking after her when she's drunk.

    I met this friend in our university football club. In my first year I was very shy, and she was one of the few older members that I felt comfortable talking to. In my second year, I started being more outgoing, and went to more socials, and we got progressively closer. On the surface we seem very different, but inside we're actually pretty similar, and we found we understood each other.

    Now my friend doesn't drink much apart from at socials, but when she drinks she tends to get completely hammered. To be fair, that's true of quite a few people in the club, and as I don't drink I started looking after the others on nights out. Looking after their stuff, checking up on them, getting them water when I think they need it, policing their alcohol intake if they'd asked me to in advance, that sort of thing.

    My friend tended to be the one that needed the most help. I've had to do things including pulling her away from a fight, letting her stay at mine because she couldn't remember where she lived, and on more than one occasion pretty much carrying her because she couldn't walk herself. A low point was having to get a bus driver to help carry her down the steps of the bus. She's a bit of a **** when she's drunk, but I could put up with it because I liked her so much when she was sober.

    The problem is that she's graduated now, and has a job, and with me still playing football at university we don't get to see each other much outside of football socials. That means that the majority of the time I spend with her now, she's drunk. I want her to be safe, but I'm getting tired of always feeling like I have to look after her. I don't really feel like I can ask anyone else to keep an eye on her, because they're drunk as well, but it ruins my nights out because I always feel I have to keep track of her. I also worry that by being there, she feels safer about drinking too much.

    I don't know how to solve this. I know how much it would hurt her if she found out I felt like this. Neither of us are very good at talking about feelings, and she only opens up when she's drunk. I'm getting to the point where I almost don't care anymore, and that terrifies me because she means so much to me. I don't want to miss out on football socials, and neither will she, but I almost dread her being there. Any advice?
    I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say: by being there, she feels safer about drinking too much.

    Time to show some tough love, maybe?

    Of course you don't want to hurt your friend but in order to talk to her you must ask yourself a few questions: why would she feel really hurt if she found out that you're fed up with her getting drunk all the time? If the hurt stems from a feeling of betrayal (because she's been betrayed in the past, maybe?) then you could easily work your way around that by saying that the problem isn't her, but you - you're the one who'd like a truly relaxing evening out where you're not responsible for anyone. If the hurt stems from the fact that she's a budding alcoholic (which is entirely possible, just ask any hospital about alcoholism in young people!) then she needs a serious wake-up call and, as a friend, you're in a good position to give her that.

    Be firm but kind.
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    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Anna Schoon)
    I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say: by being there, she feels safer about drinking too much.

    Time to show some tough love, maybe?

    Of course you don't want to hurt your friend but in order to talk to her you must ask yourself a few questions: why would she feel really hurt if she found out that you're fed up with her getting drunk all the time? If the hurt stems from a feeling of betrayal (because she's been betrayed in the past, maybe?) then you could easily work your way around that by saying that the problem isn't her, but you - you're the one who'd like a truly relaxing evening out where you're not responsible for anyone. If the hurt stems from the fact that she's a budding alcoholic (which is entirely possible, just ask any hospital about alcoholism in young people!) then she needs a serious wake-up call and, as a friend, you're in a good position to give her that.

    Be firm but kind.
    Thanks, I'll think about that. I think she'd be hurt because I know that she's been depressed in the past, and can be very quick to assume that people don't really like her. I think I'm one of the few people she truly believes cares about her, and I don't want to jepodise that.
 
 
 
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