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    It has been several years since I spoke to or saw someone I was and am obsessed with. In that time nothing has improved for me in terms of functioning. I cannot eat properly and frequently fail to wash myself and generally live like a human being. I was devastated by things they did and said to and about me and cut them out. It is possible that my paranoia problems misinterpreted some of these things. I also have a history of confabulating memories without meaning to and them affecting me deeply. I thought I saw them in a public place a while ago and I almost collapsed under the instant exhaustion my system had dealt to it by my nervous response. I feel as if I am in a perpetual state of nervous breakdown and that perhaps I should be spending some time in a mental institution. No one has ever really looked out for me here or picked up on signs.

    Part of me wants to talk to them, and feels thatbut the other parts of me are utterly terrified of them and their power over me. We parted in bad ways. They could send me to my grave with a single contempfully expressed word. I am also worried that I will end up worse because I won't be satisfied by their responses in trying to work out what happened, why they did these things, whether they did at all.. When I occasionally relapse into checking their social media to hope I don't see things I don't want to and can therefore be briefly at rest again I shake extremely violently and can feel and hear my ribcage vibrating with the force of my heart beating. I am addicted to this person and as a smoker I can tell you that it is infinitely more devastating and harder to get rid of. I am in need of serious help or I fear I will become a danger to myself but it is difficult for me to find this firstly because of my unstable, frequently changing living arrangements and the shortage of resources in national health systems. I really want this to go away now and would appreciate any and all advice. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
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    God bless you.


    I hope your chains get broken.
 
 
 
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