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Is it selfish that I am unhappy with my sex life?

Hi guys.

I don't know where to start here, really. I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years, and in that time I have never felt satisfied sexually mainly because (and without deliberately trying to sound crude) he's just so incredibly useless in bed. My last intention is to slag him off and give endless reasons as to why this is, It's.. well.. He just doesn't respond to any kind of "coaching" I try to give him, and seems perfectly happy just having a very quick "in and out", (again, sorry) then falling asleep. He doesn't fathom that there's a problem in that it leaves me frustrated and incredibly upset. Sometimes to the point that I feel I may cry.

I have tried so hard to talk to him sensitively about it but he gets upset, say's he "can't be a man if he can't satisfy his woman", assures me things will change but they never do. I try to coach him in foreplay but he "can't be bothered at all with that", we have sex dry and I end up in pain, bleeding and totally fed up afterwards.

I thought that I could cope with this as I love him to death. I would absolutely do anything for him, just now I'm so at the end of my tether about not being able to have sex it sometimes drives me to tears.

I'm only 22 and his family are trying to arrange a wedding for us. He's much older and they feel he should settle down soon, and while I am keeping a happy face on about it all (as I do love him very much), I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this. We've had sex twice since christmas and both times were the usual 30 seconds of tearing me down below then he goes to sleep.

I have had boyfriends before who have made me feel incredible between the sheets, and often I do feel as though I'm missing out. Although I am never the type to cheat, I dare say that it is becoming more and more tempting as time goes on.

I'm going out of my mind. Soon I'm going to commit to this guy forever, yet I am making excuses now not to have sex with him. Am I being totally out of order? I wondered if anyone here has experienced anything similar or had any thoughts as to what else I can do.

Thanks.

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Reply 1
If the sensitive approach didnt work on him, then try it bluntly! Tell him, "i like it when you do it like this" or "do you know what mite work?"- and no, you dont sound selfish!! :wink:
Reply 2
Simply, you say:

"no foreplay, no sex"

He'll soon come around to your way of thinking :wink:
Reply 3
Next time he does it, just raise your voice and shout: "For Christ' sake, it's the wrong hole!"

:smile:
Dump him. I mean if the fool can't learn after two years, he's no good. Some of us are born studs with a natural talent for inducing orgasms.
Rather than saying you are unsatisfied, can you just tell him he is hurting you and you NEED foreplay to be ready for sex? I think I would be avoiding it too if I were you :frown: You don't sound selfish at all, I think you have been far too reasonable with him.
You aren't being selfish, far from it, if he hurts you when he has sex with you there is definitely something wrong. Does he know he makes you bleed? Does he know bleeding isn't normal? You need to make that clear to him, and if he knows he's *that* bad then he has to change, no matter how much it hurts his ego. I'm sure that when he can satisfy you, his ego will repair itself.
You need to be firm with him, if he 'can't be bothered with all that' then you need to make him see that this is the only way he can satisfy you. Refuse to have sex with him until he does and make it clear that you are refusing it not just not having sex with him. You are not being selfish, sex is a part of a relationship and you ought to be enjoying it!
Reply 7
You end up BLEEDING and you think you're being selfish? :| You're most definitely not. I would've said something right from the start. You really have to talk to him about that, if it's hurting you it has to stop =/ You've got to make him understand that it's painful and unenjoyable.

And you're seriously going to marry a guy who won't even listen to you or even understand that he's putting you in pain when you have sex? You shouldn't even HAVE to talk to him, I don't imagine many guys would continue to have sex if it's so obviously painful and causing you to bleed. That's horrible..
chester_2005
If the sensitive approach didnt work on him, then try it bluntly! Tell him, "i like it when you do it like this" or "do you know what mite work?"- and no, you dont sound selfish!! :wink:


Thanks for your reply, Chester. I'm afraid that I have tried being as blunt as I can possibly be. When "doing things", I often tell him what feels nice and heaven knows I even try to show him, but he touches me awkwardly with a perplexed look on his face. I'm sure you can gather how sexy that isn't.

My biggest problem now is that I'm finding it so difficult to even find him sexy anymore. I try to be sexy for him but usually he'll just say something totally inappropriate and just kill the mood I'm trying to set :frown: It's almost as though he doesn't want to.

Reue
Simply, you say:

"no foreplay, no sex"

He'll soon come around to your way of thinking


Thanks for your reply, Reue. I'm dare admit that if this were the case, he'd be happy with the "no sex" option. He claims to be "not really big on sex", and he behaves like it's some totally unnecessary chore.
Reply 9
To be honest, I'm taken aback by the fact that your boyfriend thinks it's acceptable to penetrate you whilst you're dry. That's not even bad sex - that's painful, bad-for-your-health sex. Are you his first sexual partner? I can't believe no one else has put him straight by now if not.

I don't get how on one hand, he can say, "Oh, I have to satisfy my woman" and on the other, refuses to do foreplay!

Does he realise how much dry sex hurts you, and that you actually bleed otherwise? You've had two years of quite frankly, what must have been hell, so I think you need to take the blunt approach. It's not that he's not giving you pleasure - it's that he's not giving you pleasure AND causing you pain. I think you need to sit him down, explain that in no uncertain terms, and tell him that things have to change.

And don't let his family pressure you into marriage, especially when you're feeling this unhappy.

I personally think that what goes on in the bedroom mirrors a couple's life outside of it - tell me, is he this selfish in other matters? I really just cannot understand how any normal man can claim to love his girlfriend and then make her bleed repeatedly for two years without feeling bad.
Reply 10
Ikissmysweetiewithmyfist
Hi guys.

I don't know where to start here, really. I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years, and in that time I have never felt satisfied sexually mainly because (and without deliberately trying to sound crude) he's just so incredibly useless in bed. My last intention is to slag him off and give endless reasons as to why this is, It's.. well.. He just doesn't respond to any kind of "coaching" I try to give him, and seems perfectly happy just having a very quick "in and out", (again, sorry) then falling asleep. He doesn't fathom that there's a problem in that it leaves me frustrated and incredibly upset. Sometimes to the point that I feel I may cry.

I have tried so hard to talk to him sensitively about it but he gets upset, say's he "can't be a man if he can't satisfy his woman", assures me things will change but they never do. I try to coach him in foreplay but he "can't be bothered at all with that", we have sex dry and I end up in pain, bleeding and totally fed up afterwards.

I thought that I could cope with this as I love him to death. I would absolutely do anything for him, just now I'm so at the end of my tether about not being able to have sex it sometimes drives me to tears.

I'm only 22 and his family are trying to arrange a wedding for us. He's much older and they feel he should settle down soon, and while I am keeping a happy face on about it all (as I do love him very much), I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this. We've had sex twice since christmas and both times were the usual 30 seconds of tearing me down below then he goes to sleep.

I have had boyfriends before who have made me feel incredible between the sheets, and often I do feel as though I'm missing out. Although I am never the type to cheat, I dare say that it is becoming more and more tempting as time goes on.

I'm going out of my mind. Soon I'm going to commit to this guy forever, yet I am making excuses now not to have sex with him. Am I being totally out of order? I wondered if anyone here has experienced anything similar or had any thoughts as to what else I can do.

Thanks.


Imagine if this were the case: he's totally useless at conversation, but a dynamo in 'the sack'.

Would you be expected to abide that? Would you ****.

JacquesNoir
Dump him. I mean if the fool can't learn after two years, he's no good. Some of us are born studs with a natural talent for inducing orgasms.


Quite.

By the by; 'thirty seconds' is not merely pathetic: it's tantamount to travesty.
Ikissmysweetiewithmyfist
Hi guys.

I don't know where to start here, really. I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years, and in that time I have never felt satisfied sexually mainly because (and without deliberately trying to sound crude) he's just so incredibly useless in bed. My last intention is to slag him off and give endless reasons as to why this is, It's.. well.. He just doesn't respond to any kind of "coaching" I try to give him, and seems perfectly happy just having a very quick "in and out", (again, sorry) then falling asleep. He doesn't fathom that there's a problem in that it leaves me frustrated and incredibly upset. Sometimes to the point that I feel I may cry.

I have tried so hard to talk to him sensitively about it but he gets upset, say's he "can't be a man if he can't satisfy his woman", assures me things will change but they never do. I try to coach him in foreplay but he "can't be bothered at all with that", we have sex dry and I end up in pain, bleeding and totally fed up afterwards.

I thought that I could cope with this as I love him to death. I would absolutely do anything for him, just now I'm so at the end of my tether about not being able to have sex it sometimes drives me to tears.

I'm only 22 and his family are trying to arrange a wedding for us. He's much older and they feel he should settle down soon, and while I am keeping a happy face on about it all (as I do love him very much), I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this. We've had sex twice since christmas and both times were the usual 30 seconds of tearing me down below then he goes to sleep.

I have had boyfriends before who have made me feel incredible between the sheets, and often I do feel as though I'm missing out. Although I am never the type to cheat, I dare say that it is becoming more and more tempting as time goes on.

I'm going out of my mind. Soon I'm going to commit to this guy forever, yet I am making excuses now not to have sex with him. Am I being totally out of order? I wondered if anyone here has experienced anything similar or had any thoughts as to what else I can do.

Thanks.


Jeeeeesus it sounds like you're far too nice. In answer to your question, NO, hes the one being selfish. Next time you ask him to engage in foreplay and he says he can't be bothered, say you can't be bothered having sex with him....eventually he'll crack and go along with what you want. Although tbh he should want to do it really...maybe you should just dump him....that would be easiest.
you're definitely not selfish, sounds more like he's the selfish one in this relationship since it's all just for his pleasure and nothing for you. just tell him to change and that you wont have sex till he understands that he's hurting you to the extent that you bleed! have you ever told him that it hurts or did you just tell him what to do.. still either way he should have been considerate enought o ask you if he''s hurting you!!

please dont marry him like this, it might seem trivial reason not to get married, but it will just cause you unhappiness!

Good Luck!
He's the one being selfish. I know you love him, and I know sex shouldn't be everything, but at the same time, you can't commit to spending your life with someone who makes you feel like this. When you marry someone, you can have close and loving relationships with lots of people, but you're only supposed to be having sex with one person, so it's important that that person can satisfy you. It's even more important that that person wants to satisfy you.

This should be upsetting him. He should be doing everything in his power to make things better for you. I think you need to make it clear to him that it hurts you, both physically because of the lack of foreplay, and emotionally because he can't be bothered and doesn't care about your pleasure.

Sex is a very important part of an adult relationship, especially a marriage. If someone can't be bothered to try and give you the kind of sex life you want, how can you possibly imagine you'll have a successful marriage?

You need to talk to him about this, and if you don't get anywhere, then maybe it's time to call it a day, before you get deeper and deeper into wedding plans. At 22, you don't have to "settle" for anything.
Reply 14
Ikissmysweetiewithmyfist
Thanks for your reply, Chester. I'm afraid that I have tried being as blunt as I can possibly be. When "doing things", I often tell him what feels nice and heaven knows I even try to show him, but he touches me awkwardly with a perplexed look on his face. I'm sure you can gather how sexy that isn't.


Is he, you know... a bit special?
Ikissmysweetiewithmyfist
Thanks for your reply, Chester. I'm afraid that I have tried being as blunt as I can possibly be. When "doing things", I often tell him what feels nice and heaven knows I even try to show him, but he touches me awkwardly with a perplexed look on his face. I'm sure you can gather how sexy that isn't.

My biggest problem now is that I'm finding it so difficult to even find him sexy anymore. I try to be sexy for him but usually he'll just say something totally inappropriate and just kill the mood I'm trying to set :frown: It's almost as though he doesn't want to.



Thanks for your reply, Reue. I'm dare admit that if this were the case, he'd be happy with the "no sex" option. He claims to be "not really big on sex", and he behaves like it's some totally unnecessary chore.


He claims to be not really big on sex? Has he always been this way? Could he be just shy? I mean, really really shy...and not comfortable about sex and/or talking about it?
shona

And don't let his family pressure you into marriage, especially when you're feeling this unhappy.

I personally think that what goes on in the bedroom mirrors a couple's life outside of it - tell me, is he this selfish in other matters? I really just cannot understand how any normal man can claim to love his girlfriend and then make her bleed repeatedly for two years without feeling bad.


:dito:

It sounds like his family are so relieved that someone is actually prepared to be with him that they're trying to rush you into marrying him before you realise what an idiot he is and leave him like his previous girlfriends probably have. If he's even got that far with anybody else before. You can do better.

I also really agree that your sex life tends to reflect the rest of your relationship. I used to have serious, slightly awkward sex (although it was still good) with a boyfriend who was quite shy and took himself far too seriously. The relationship was sweet while it lasted, but a bit dull.

My new boyfriend is really attentive and caring in bed, but also more often than not we end up in fits of giggles during sex, and I think that reflects the fact that we really care about each other, but also have a lot of fun together.

Your sex life would suggest that your boyfriend is probably selfish in other areas, that he doesn't look after your welfare the way you'd like him to, and that you're constantly having to make excuses for his behaviour. Be honest with yourself - is that how it is?

Most men don't change. There are a few little things you can work on, but those tend to be things like leaving the toilet seat up and being late all the time. You can't change someone's personality, and so chances are if he's not right for you at the moment, he never will be. Marrying him will make things worse, not better.
I would say put it brutally that you want to be satisfied as well, he might be happy satisfying himself with 30 seconds, but he seems to forget a woman has needs to and it takes a lot longer for her to get warmed up.
It's not selfish at all! You have just as much right to enjoy it as he does!
Reply 19
um, is he GAY? i mean look at the facts, he doesn't really want to sleep with you, finds touching you awkward and boring, has not married for a while, and parents are really eager to marry him off to any girl.