So, its Valentines (patron saint of bee-keepers and epileptics who was tortured and beheaded by the Romans) day and I'm sure, like me all everyone is seeing on social meda/forums/internets is three things
1. Couples sharing thier happiness
2. Singletons posting memes and status about how they dont care (which could be debatable as to the validity of such postings) that they are single
3. Singletons being spiteful, bitter, down on themselves, angry, miserable, antoagonistic, misogynistic, misandristic desperate and displaying outright malevolent vindictiveness because they are single and others are not.
Its the last point that prompted this. When did being single become something so undesirable in society? What is it about our modern day that illicits' such a vitriolic response to adult single life? Now Valentines day is not the only time you will see this hate, it happens frequently but this day (understandable considering its commercialism) has many singletons coming out in droves spewing venom at those who are happy with a partner or at those who spurn/ed their advances. That they are driven by a desperate need to be with someone - anyone just so they are not alone.
I'm single now for seven months, the longest I have been so since I was 22 so quite a while. And yes it takes a lot of getting used to, the brain doesn't easily de-tangle itself from being a "we" to becoming an "I" again. I dont mind admitting that I do at times get lonely, that i miss the companionship and simple human intimacy (which covers a lot more than just sex) of having a partner.
And that is perfectly normal. Human beings from even the most basic of an anthropology view point are programmed to have a partner. We are social pack animals, we are not designed to be purely solitary (which is why I always find it amusing when i see those "£300000, three months, no wifi, no contact, could you do it?" and so many people going yes when the simple crux is that human psychology in the vast vast majority of cases would send you mentally derailed at such isolation) and it is healthy and natural to want a partner. BUT when that "want" is an actual need you have a problem.
Because then you are basing your self worth on the validation of others. That you are requiring someone's approval in the form of a relationship/partner in order to feel, valued grounded and self actualised. You are looking for an external source to make up for your own lack of being.
Look on any advice page/pamphlet/book/magazine in regards to single life - each has one over laying core value. You have to love yourself. But it goes deeper than that, you also have to allow others to love you as well. There is no denying that having a supportive partner can improve your well being and self esteem, that a supportive and caring other half can help you regain yourself and help sort through the mires of life. But you shouldnt allow that self esteem to be only because of your partner, it has to come from you. By all means use what they offer to get there but you have to be able to stand on your own feet rather than them holding you up.
And the reverse is true as well. Dont think about not having a partner. Instead think about what you can offer a partner. We all have strengths and we all have value. No matter how low you think of yourself - you DO have things that can and will enrich the life of another. I know I have strengths that make me attractive to a potential partner I'm open, confident, honest,charismatic, forthright, opinionated, intelligent, funny, artistic, creative, emotionally available and im stubbornly supportive (and just to stroke my ego I'm also charming and damn good in bed). These are things that I know I have. I dont always believe them (depression can be a real head messer when it hits) but that doesnt mean its not true. Do i have a ripped alpha male body? - hell no, am I rich? - hell no, do i have a manly beard? christ no i cant even grow an Errol Flynn moustache, Am I very good looking - erm subjective.
But am I attractive? Yes i am (and i take no shame in admitting that despite now living in a world that increasingly mistakes confidence and self actualisation for hubris and egotism) Am I attractive to everyone? No. And that is true to each and everyone one of you reading this. You are attractive, you have many wonderful facets to you even when you dont believe them yourself. Fugs sake if the ignoramus pisswits that go on Jeremy Kyle can have a partner then there's hope for all us.
Human beings are not perfect we all have our flaws and just to balance it, my biggest flaws are that im overly self critical, over think at times, at others jump in without thinking, when i get agitated I pace and talk to myself like the crazy person on the back of the bus and im too stubborn to quit even when to not quit is to my own detriment.
Being single has its perks, being in a relationship has its perks. But too many people get with someone just so they can be with someone. And that can (and will) cost you. Its the ultimate form of settling at its worst. How many out there will have rushed on dates/ONS/flings/relationships just because of February the 14th? How many will wake up on February 15th and think - "what the hell have I done?"
Most of my long term friends (and my newer ones) are in their thirties now. I have witnessed (some the better part of two decades) their relationships grow (moving in together, kids marriage) and seen other relationships fail. We have all watched the people we know grow and change. They in reciprocation have witnessed my relationships and seen how I have changed. Each day teaches us something new, sometimes good, sometimes bad. There is enough bad in this world, remember to look for the good as well. Because it is there.
The point of such self indulgent waffle is two fold.
1. That you shouldnt ever feel you need someone to complete you. Want a partner? Yes. Need one? No
2. If you've come this far with me - I'd like you go one step further, and that is to think of what you can offer a partner. NOT what a partner can give you, but what you can give them. Think deep and think true. Its there I KNOW without doubt that everyone has something they can offer another. Hold onto that, embrace it. Wrap your heart in your strengths to shield you from the doubts. Focus on what you do have, not what you dont. Do what makes you happy, if you can have something and you want it - then take it. Life is to be lived, not endured, laugh, have sex, drink, paint, play music, sing to the heavens, dance under the stars and dont give a damn whose watching.
"sometimes darkness - can show you the light" - David Draiman Disturbed.
x Turn on thread page Beta
So its Valentines day and people are feeling blue - long post. watch
- Thread Starter
- 14-02-2016 14:21
- 14-02-2016 14:23
- 14-02-2016 14:27
It's okay. People are happy. This is just a normal day. Just another Sunday.
- 14-02-2016 14:30
I'm hiding in my room until this day is over.
- 14-02-2016 16:35
I prefer the freedom of single life to a complicated relationship! I have been single by choice for the last two years of 5! Granted it'd be nice to find someone to share my interests and enjoy the companionship of a friendship too! Great post btw! Enjoying the rugby myself today..England for the win!
Posted from TSR Mobile
- 14-02-2016 22:34
Posted from TSR Mobile
- 14-02-2016 22:38
- 14-02-2016 22:43
I really enjoyed reading that, great post :-)