I don't think I'm very attracted to my boyfriend

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
I never fell for him for his looks, it was his personality because he really is one of the sweetest, trusting, most loyal and sincere guys out there and in terms of personality, I really couldn't do better than what I have and I'm grateful. He isn't bad looking at all, he has nice features but that's pretty much it, there is no sexual attraction here and the thought of being affectionate with him isn't bad, just very weird like crossing friend boundaries almost? He is very insecure/shy so he is never affectionate with me, he can't even hold my hand which hurts me a lot because I've always wanted to be with somebody who shows me affection physically, and we see so many other couples around, but he finds public affection 'awkward' and I don't, I don't mean making out intensely, just holding hands or hugging when we first see each other after ages, but no.

Recently, I've found myself really strongly attracted to my group partner, I've worked with him for about a month now, (I'd never even contemplate cheating by the way). I look at him and notice how gorgeous he is and fantasize randomly in my head before I have to block it out, I knew I was sexually attracted to him, and I've never felt like that with my boyfriend. I literally keep looking at this guy in awe, and feel butterflies and look forward to seeing him and it's strange. Obviously, with my group partner it's purely physical attraction and no emotional connection, it's just something I lack with my boyfriend. This is a fairly new relationship, should I just give it time? :/
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Tom.x.Gotze
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Then leave him...
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Anonymous #1
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My boyfriend is really loving and affectionate over text, yet in person he is like a completely different individual. Maybe he's just shy, but he literally tags along behind me sometimes on dates, and isn't affectionate in the slightest. He actually apologised the other day randomly and said he was aware that I would prefer him to be more 'loving' physically, and put it down to shyness, so I just let it go.
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ByronicHero
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If there is no attraction then it is unlikely to be a fulfilling relationship for you....
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Tom.x.Gotze)
Then leave him...
I don't want to leave him over something like this. People always say personality > looks, looks will fade but his personality won't. I know that we compliment each other well personality-wise.
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whorace
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Lol this is why you are screwed if you are not good looking, even if you do get into a relationship all it takes is one confident guy and your out , although in your case it is probably more to do with your boyfriend being too shy to show you his affection, you say his personality is perfect but his insecurity and shyness clearly prevents him from giving you what you need.
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whorace
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(Original post by ByronicHero)
If there is no attraction then it is unlikely to be a fulfilling relationship for you....
I agree,

I don't think the problem here is always looks, an ugly bugger can make a girl attracted if he is a monster in other areas, it's one of those 'ooh I didn't realise how ugly he is because he kisses like a champ' things :lol:
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ByronicHero)
If there is no attraction then it is unlikely to be a fulfilling relationship for you....
There IS attraction somewhat, I do like the way my boyfriend looks and I feel attracted in a different way than the sexual attraction I feel with the guy I'm working with. I don't get turned on by my boyfriend, I think he's cute but I wouldn't describe him as sexy and masculine like the guy I'm working with.
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Mystery.
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Day after Valentine's, poor guy.
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Tom.x.Gotze
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't want to leave him over something like this. People always say personality > looks, looks will fade but his personality won't. I know that we compliment each other well personality-wise.
You are staying with him because you care about what people say about personality when what you really want is both the personality and looks. You will never be happy with settling.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by whorace)
Lol this is why you are screwed if you are not good looking, even if you do get into a relationship all it takes is one confident guy and your out , although in your case it is probably more to do with your boyfriend being too shy to show you his affection, you say his personality is perfect but his insecurity and shyness clearly prevents him from giving you what you need.
Yes I mean I do love confident guys, I prefer it when the guy takes lead whereas my boyfriend kind of shys away from every possible decision, lets me decide everything and have full control over the whole relationship and I don't like it. I try to let him take more of a lead, but he says that he just wants to let me do what I want
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Tom.x.Gotze)
You are staying with him because you care about what people say about personality when what you really want is both the personality and looks. You will never be happy with settling.
I'd feel like a selfish b*itch for leaving him over something superficial like this and it would break him and I don't want to lose someone as amazing as he is. I am content with the relationship and I would happily marry him in the future because he is somebody I honestly see a future with, it's just I tend to stumble upon guys like the one I'm working with currently, and feel so strongly attracted and wonder the relationship could be so different if I was as turned on by my boyfriend as I am with this guy. I'm just confused and a little frustrated.
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Tom.x.Gotze
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'd feel like a selfish b*itch for leaving him over something superficial like this and it would break him and I don't want to lose someone as amazing as he is. I am content with the relationship and I would happily marry him in the future because he is somebody I honestly see a future with, it's just I tend to stumble upon guys like the one I'm working with currently, and feel so strongly attracted and wonder the relationship could be so different if I was as turned on by my boyfriend as I am with this guy. I'm just confused and a little frustrated.
You're not selfish for leaving him. It's life, what is selfish is letting him live a bit of a lie when he can get someone to love him completely for what he is.
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Sae.HH
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Not being attracted to your other half... hmm not sure what I'd do in this situation tbh, it's a tricky one...



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Cremated_Spatula
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I never fell for him for his looks, it was his personality because he really is one of the sweetest, trusting, most loyal and sincere guys out there and in terms of personality, I really couldn't do better than what I have and I'm grateful. He isn't bad looking at all, he has nice features but that's pretty much it, there is no sexual attraction here and the thought of being affectionate with him isn't bad, just very weird like crossing friend boundaries almost? He is very insecure/shy so he is never affectionate with me, he can't even hold my hand which hurts me a lot because I've always wanted to be with somebody who shows me affection physically, and we see so many other couples around, but he finds public affection 'awkward' and I don't, I don't mean making out intensely, just holding hands or hugging when we first see each other after ages, but no.

Recently, I've found myself really strongly attracted to my group partner, I've worked with him for about a month now, (I'd never even contemplate cheating by the way). I look at him and notice how gorgeous he is and fantasize randomly in my head before I have to block it out, I knew I was sexually attracted to him, and I've never felt like that with my boyfriend. I literally keep looking at this guy in awe, and feel butterflies and look forward to seeing him and it's strange. Obviously, with my group partner it's purely physical attraction and no emotional connection, it's just something I lack with my boyfriend. This is a fairly new relationship, should I just give it time? :/
I think it's more to do with that boundary with intimacy & affection, that's the main issue, the attraction can build with time.
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I get the feeling a lot of girls think this way. In general, they seem to have somewhat higher standards for sexual attraction, but more likely to settle for someone they aren't physically attracted to because their personalities compensate for it, however men are simply physically attracted to a wider range & seem less likely to settle for someone they aren't physically attracted to.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Cremated_Spatula)
I think it's more to do with that boundary with intimacy & affection, that's the main issue, the attraction can build with time.
Spoiler:
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I get the feeling a lot of girls think this way. In general, they seem to have somewhat higher standards for sexual attraction, but more likely to settle for someone they aren't physically attracted to because their personalities compensate for it, however men are simply physically attracted to a wider range & seem less likely to settle for someone they aren't physically attracted to.
Perhaps I'm just not being patient enough with him. I'm aware that he is shy so I think I just need to give him time to be more comfortable around me as opposed to tiptoe-ing around me and letting me call all the shots. I just get hurt when he acts like a stranger to me in public and feel envy when I see people in other relationships hugging, holding hands etc and not caring who is looking (mine cares a lot and literally tells me that he will not hug me because it looks 'awkward' in public).

However, now even if he was confident with being affectionate with me, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with it myself anymore, I wanted it from him before but now it would just feel like I'm forcing him into being someone he isn't, it's just weird that he is so loving and affectionate over text, yet quite cold and distant in reality. Sorry I probably sound like such a mess, just a whole load of thoughts I was pondering over tonight.
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Cremated_Spatula
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Perhaps I'm just not being patient enough with him. I'm aware that he is shy so I think I just need to give him time to be more comfortable around me as opposed to tiptoe-ing around me and letting me call all the shots. I just get hurt when he acts like a stranger to me in public and feel envy when I see people in other relationships hugging, holding hands etc and not caring who is looking (mine cares a lot and literally tells me that he will not hug me because it looks 'awkward' in public).

However, now even if he was confident with being affectionate with me, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with it myself anymore, I wanted it from him before but now it would just feel like I'm forcing him into being someone he isn't, it's just weird that he is so loving and affectionate over text, yet quite cold and distant in reality. Sorry I probably sound like such a mess, just a whole load of thoughts I was pondering over tonight.
Does he have somekind of phobia?
Because I really don't get why he doesn't like touching you or being intimate.
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Emma-
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Ultimately your call to make.,
but how would you feel if he felt the same way, ie wasnt turned on by you and and fantasied about other girls he knew. if you're fine with that then carry on, but if you dislike that thought i personally feel it would be unfair to carry on and expect something from him that you yourself can't give.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Cremated_Spatula)
Does he have somekind of phobia?
Because I really don't get why he doesn't like touching you or being intimate.
I did consider this myself actually. It's also weird things like how he can't talk to strangers, even if he is lost, he will point blank refuse to ask anybody for directions, even if it means delaying our plans because he thinks it makes him look 'weird'. He did tell me his ex was quite controlling and made him feel like ****, and said that was why he struggles to make decisions as to where we should go out etc and express himself, so I let it go and thought okay, fair enough and supported him. I just wish he would understand that I'm nothing like his ex and I don't ever plan to be because that's not who I am.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Emma-)
Ultimately your call to make.,
but how would you feel if he felt the same way, ie wasnt turned on by you and and fantasied about other girls he knew. if you're fine with that then carry on, but if you dislike that thought i personally feel it would be unfair to carry on and expect something from him that you yourself can't give.
I wouldn't be happy with that at all, but I don't want to leave him because apart from the affection and minor looks issue, the relationship functions well. We have great conversations, humour.. all of that. He depends on me massively, and leaving him would literally break him, he's so fragile which I've learned from incidents in the past. I wouldn't want to leave him either because I feel I'd regret leaving somebody so selfless, and as kind as he is, and I do love him. I just wish I could get rid of the negative thoughts.
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