I decided to come to Scotland to study (I'm Italian) at uni and I was so excited about it. Everything was going to change dramatically but I was finally making my dream to live abroad come true. I studied hard (extremely hard, I was not even sleeping at night during my final exams at high school) to come here and made a lot of sacrifices, especially to convince my parents that I was mature and old enough (I'm nineteen now) to live alone in a foreign country. I've always been very determined and I was working hard to meet my goals. My parents were not really sure at the beginning, but when they saw my determination they said yes. In March 2015, I started struggling with a boy (it seems banal, but it was an extremely unhealthy relationship, he was mentally abusing me with lies and bad words) and that relationship was so awfully toxic I got depressed. I fell in a big black hole called anorexia. During last summer I starved myself and exercised compulsively to lose weight. When I moved to Scotland the eating disorder just got worse and turned into bulimia too. I lost 19 kilos, my period and my purpose in life. I decided to recover in November, seek help at the counselling service of my university and managed to gain weight and I'm now eating almost normally. During Christmas holiday, I went back to Italy for one month and it was not exactly how I imagined. I was worried about gaining too much weight because of all the Christmas food and lack of exercises, I was waking up at night crying because I was afraid of getting fat. Then my gynaecologist prescribed me the birth control pill to have my period back and the side effects were just awful. I had severe mood swings and even contemplated suicide, and when I came back in Scotland after Christmas the struggle even worsened so my doctor decided to suspend it.
I'm constantly feeling on edge now, I try to go out and distract myself, I got a job and I have a great relationship with my flatmate, she's basically my best friend here, and have a lot of other friends I go clubbing with. But I can't get rid of this constant state of anxiety everywhere I go. I feel anxious when I think about drinking water, doing everyday stuff like brushing teeth, shave or have a shower and I don't know why. I can't stay in my bedroom for more than a couple of minutes alone because I feel like I'm suffocating and sometimes I think I just can't make it here abroad because I miss my family too much. My father even came for the weekend because they were really worried about my state and I did enjoy my time with him, but I feel like I have deadlines with everybody who comes to visit me or when I go to visit them, because we don't have enough time to do everything and it makes me even more anxious. I can't stop thinking about going back, but I know it's not the answer to my problems because I won't feel happier at home. My hometown is really small and I would have to move to another city anyway in Italy to go to university. I don't know what to do, I would like to know if someone has had the same issues, if you struggled to adapt to your new life during your first year at uni and how your experience went. The weird thing is that I was not missing home at all during my first trimester (maybe because my eating disorder was absorbing all my days) but now it's almost unbearable and it feels like times goes by so slowly. I don't know if dropping out and give this huge opportunity up is what I need.
Can it be done?