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I need to know if this is overwritten. Edexcel IGCSE English Lang creative writing watch

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    removed.
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    (Original post by hannahrobinsxn)
    I hang my head down in disdain for what would become. Noticing my pasty fingers shake, I hark back to the past for comfort, that image of the algae infested pond, those somber clouds, the blustering horse-chestnuts in blossom, the cacophony of quacking from the ducks and those petals, those perfect silky hearts fluttering everywhere. My mother, father and I stood. I threw my head back and giggled, with that infectious kind of laugh that lit up my parents with gleaming smiles. On the surface of the pond there was this one unique duck, white with the most orange bill you ever saw, dipping his head in the water and shaking it. I reached into the translucent bread crumb bag and threw them for many metres. My peripheral vision spied my father embracing my mother.
    Yes, it is. Take out some of the adjectives.
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    (Original post by Carnationlilyrose)
    Yes, it is. Take out some of the adjectives.
    Thank you.
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    i would definitely take out translucent bread crumb bag at least, telling the reader you have a see-through bag literally adds nothing, i didnt actually mind the rest
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    Did you throw up a thesaurus?

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    (Original post by DiddyDec)
    Did you throw up a thesaurus?

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    By all means, go and write an 800 word story yourself
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    (Original post by KungPooPanda)
    i would definitely take out translucent bread crumb bag at least, telling the reader you have a see-through bag literally adds nothing, i didnt actually mind the rest
    Thank you x
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    Hmm, try and make it a bit "punchier"
    (Original post by hannahrobinsxn)

    Noticing my pasty fingers shake, I hark back to the past for comfort



    Rewritten as:

    "Pasty fingers shake as I hark back to the comfort of the past" just speeds the whole sentence up.

    It's really quite good, though.
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    (Original post by hannahrobinsxn)
    By all means, go and write an 800 word story yourself
    How about I write you an 800 word lease?

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    (Original post by Supersaps)
    Hmm, try and make it a bit "punchier"


    Noticing my pasty fingers shake, I hark back to the past for comfort

    Rewritten as:

    "My pasty finger shake as I hark back to the comfort of the past" just speeds the whole sentence up.
    Good point thank you
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    One point I would make is that the way you have written it is too grandiose for the event you are describing, and this mis-match makes it seem a little ridiculous. It's difficult to do, but try not to try so hard. Clear, simple, elegant prose will score you an A* more certainly than overblown attempts at being elaborate, which very often fall flat on their face. (I'm an English teacher, btw.)
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    (Original post by Carnationlilyrose)
    One point I would make is that the way you have written it is too grandiose for the event you are describing, and this mis-match makes it seem a little ridiculous. It's difficult to do, but try not to try so hard. Clear, simple, elegant prose will score you an A* more certainly than overblown attempts at being elaborate, which very often fall flat on their face. (I'm an English teacher, btw.)
    I'm literally struggling so much. I cannot do this
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    (Original post by hannahrobinsxn)
    I'm literally struggling so much. I cannot do this
    Yes, you can. Read it out loud to someone and listen for when it sounds awkward or when you struggle to say the sentence, then chop bits out. Less is more.
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    (Original post by Carnationlilyrose)
    Yes, you can. Read it out loud to someone and listen for when it sounds awkward or when you struggle to say the sentence, then chop bits out. Less is more.
    But it's really overwritten
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    (Original post by hannahrobinsxn)
    But it's really overwritten
    Yes, so read it out loud and listen to it, and cut out those bits. Think, 'Can I put this more simply?' Simple doesn't mean childish or badly written. It means clear, clean, direct and powerful.
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    (Original post by Carnationlilyrose)
    Yes, so read it out loud and listen to it, and cut out those bits. Think, 'Can I put this more simply?' Simple doesn't mean childish or badly written. It means clear, clean, direct and powerful.
    Ok, thank you for your advice. I have really struggled to come up with a plot idea in general though
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    (Original post by hannahrobinsxn)
    Ok, thank you for your advice. I have really struggled to come up with a plot idea in general though
    Plot is not really necessary if you are working within a small word count. There are few non-professional writers who could pull off a fully developed short story in the word count you get for a piece of GCSE coursework. Aim for a perfectly formed snapshot instead.
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    (Original post by Carnationlilyrose)
    Plot is not really necessary if you are working within a small word count. There are few non-professional writers who could pull off a fully developed short story in the word count you get for a piece of GCSE coursework. Aim for a perfectly formed snapshot instead.
    Do you have any ideas? Sorry if I'm asking for a lot
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    (Original post by hannahrobinsxn)
    Do you have any ideas? Sorry if I'm asking for a lot
    What's the topic?
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    (Original post by Carnationlilyrose)
    What's the topic?
    we are allowed to write about anything that we want
 
 
 
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