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confused
Last term my boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me by text and then started being really unpleasant towards me. To be honest, I was more upset by his behaviour after we split up than by the actual fact that we'd split up. I won't go into all the details, but he thinks I am stupid for wanting to try and be friends. Two months after we split up, I got together with someone else. My new boyfriend is great, but I still feel very bruised by the last break-up. Apart from the fact that my new boyfriend is a normal, nice enough looking guy and my ex is absolutely stunning, the current boyfriend beats the ex hands down in every single way. He's nicer, more caring, more interesting, makes an effort to get on with my friends, wants to spend lots of time together, he's fun, we have a laugh together, he's better in bed... the list goes on.
Last night I went to a rowing ball and my ex was there but my current boyfriend couldn't go because he had another commitment. For most of the evening I had a good time with my friends, but I couldn't help but notice that my ex spent the whole night dancing with a mutual friend of ours and they looked very much like a couple. A lot of rumours go round about her and various guys, which I've always dismissed because she has a boyfriend of more than two years and I just always assumed she wouldn't cheat on him and that the people talking about her were just jealous and small-minded. But last night it looked like she really would cheat on her boyfriend, and this, combined with a few other niggling thoughts about his friendship with her and his history with certain other people, made me wonder whether he cheated on me either with her or with someone else, and whether everyone knows and thinks I'm an idiot. At the end of the night I went up to him and said hello, and he was fairly rude to me, although I'm not sure whether he meant to be, but that was upsetting too, although I think I managed not to show it.
I have no real way of finding out the truth, because if I thought he might have cheated on me with someone else, she's the only person I'd really feel comfortable asking. But for obvious reasons, I can't talk to her about it. Especially since she'd be really hurt and offended if it's not true. So I guess I can't do anything. But I feel really bad (and disloyal to my current boyfriend) for getting so upset about something which should be very firmly in the past. After the ball I went to my boyfriend's house and stayed over, and I felt like a horrible person being there with him but being upset about my ex. He knew what I was upset about because I told him, and I hate telling him I'm upset about my ex because I know how it makes him feel, but I feel worse not telling him what's on my mind. But selfish for telling him because although it makes me feel a bit better, it hurts him.
I hope this makes sense! Anyway, I was wondering what your thoughts are. I feel like my bad experiences with my ex (which I can't get away from because I can't get away from him) are threatening to spoil my current relationship. I feel I could achieve some sort of closure and be happier with my current boyfriend if my ex would just talk to be and be friendly, but he doesn't seem able or willing to do that.
What would you do in my situation?
Thanks
Last night I went to a rowing ball and my ex was there but my current boyfriend couldn't go because he had another commitment. For most of the evening I had a good time with my friends, but I couldn't help but notice that my ex spent the whole night dancing with a mutual friend of ours and they looked very much like a couple. A lot of rumours go round about her and various guys, which I've always dismissed because she has a boyfriend of more than two years and I just always assumed she wouldn't cheat on him and that the people talking about her were just jealous and small-minded. But last night it looked like she really would cheat on her boyfriend, and this, combined with a few other niggling thoughts about his friendship with her and his history with certain other people, made me wonder whether he cheated on me either with her or with someone else, and whether everyone knows and thinks I'm an idiot. At the end of the night I went up to him and said hello, and he was fairly rude to me, although I'm not sure whether he meant to be, but that was upsetting too, although I think I managed not to show it.
I have no real way of finding out the truth, because if I thought he might have cheated on me with someone else, she's the only person I'd really feel comfortable asking. But for obvious reasons, I can't talk to her about it. Especially since she'd be really hurt and offended if it's not true. So I guess I can't do anything. But I feel really bad (and disloyal to my current boyfriend) for getting so upset about something which should be very firmly in the past. After the ball I went to my boyfriend's house and stayed over, and I felt like a horrible person being there with him but being upset about my ex. He knew what I was upset about because I told him, and I hate telling him I'm upset about my ex because I know how it makes him feel, but I feel worse not telling him what's on my mind. But selfish for telling him because although it makes me feel a bit better, it hurts him.
I hope this makes sense! Anyway, I was wondering what your thoughts are. I feel like my bad experiences with my ex (which I can't get away from because I can't get away from him) are threatening to spoil my current relationship. I feel I could achieve some sort of closure and be happier with my current boyfriend if my ex would just talk to be and be friendly, but he doesn't seem able or willing to do that.
What would you do in my situation?
Thanks
First off, your ex sounds really horrible 
Secondly, I'm sure the thought of your ex cheating on you is one of those horrible feelings that makes you feel all knotted inside, and of course it's possible that he did. However, you didn't seem to have any suspicions before you saw them dancing? And remember, people can act very differently when single than when in a relationship. Do you really think he'd have acted that way with her when he was with you? My point is, it sounds like one of those fairly irrational worries we all get but I really think you may be jumping to a conclusion without crossing the logic bridge to get to it!
Either way; and I mean this as nicely as possible; does it really matter any more? Answer; believe it or not - no It might feel like it does right now, but that's because you're not over him just yet. I'm sure that knowing that he did cheat on you wouldn't help anything! It's already evident that he's a nasty piece of work; what he has done already is horrible enough without him having cheated on you - and I really don't think you should try and be friends with him; not only does he not seem to want to (his loss), but he doesn't deserve to know you after how he's treated you.
You're trying to move on with your life, you've found someone new who sounds like an absolute sweetheart. Please don't let someone occupy your thoughts with needless worry and upset because he is only holding you back from moving forward and being happy.
Is he REALLY worth it?! Has he done anything to deserve a nice girl like you spending her time and effort to be friends with him?!
No.
I suggest you try and cut contact with him and just focus on doing what makes YOU happy. Just think, he's lost a lovely girl and you've gained a lovely guy - no matter what he did in the past, you're so much better off now, so never look back
(PS: I've never heard of anyone laughing at someone behind their back because they were getting cheated on!! So don't you worry about that.
)
Secondly, I'm sure the thought of your ex cheating on you is one of those horrible feelings that makes you feel all knotted inside, and of course it's possible that he did. However, you didn't seem to have any suspicions before you saw them dancing? And remember, people can act very differently when single than when in a relationship. Do you really think he'd have acted that way with her when he was with you? My point is, it sounds like one of those fairly irrational worries we all get but I really think you may be jumping to a conclusion without crossing the logic bridge to get to it!
Either way; and I mean this as nicely as possible; does it really matter any more? Answer; believe it or not - no
It might feel like it does right now, but that's because you're not over him just yet. I'm sure that knowing that he did cheat on you wouldn't help anything! It's already evident that he's a nasty piece of work; what he has done already is horrible enough without him having cheated on you - and I really don't think you should try and be friends with him; not only does he not seem to want to (his loss), but he doesn't deserve to know you after how he's treated you.You're trying to move on with your life, you've found someone new who sounds like an absolute sweetheart. Please don't let someone occupy your thoughts with needless worry and upset because he is only holding you back from moving forward and being happy.
Is he REALLY worth it?! Has he done anything to deserve a nice girl like you spending her time and effort to be friends with him?!
No.
I suggest you try and cut contact with him and just focus on doing what makes YOU happy. Just think, he's lost a lovely girl and you've gained a lovely guy - no matter what he did in the past, you're so much better off now, so never look back
(PS: I've never heard of anyone laughing at someone behind their back because they were getting cheated on!! So don't you worry about that.
)Reply 2
Thanks for your reply.
To be honest, it was her I wouldn't have suspected, not him. And I feel bad suspecting her without solid proof, but at the same time I have a really bad feeling about it now.
The reason I want to be friends with him is because I have to see him and his friends around all the time. (His friends are perfectly pleasant towards me.) And when he can find it in himself to be nice, I feel much better about moving on. I just hate being on bad terms with someone, especially when it's someone I used to care about.
He's been through some pretty tough times recently, including failing his year at uni, which means that although he was supposed to have been going abroad next year (meaning I wouldn't care so much because I'd only have to see him until the end of term anyway) he's having to repeat the year, which means he will still be around and I will continue to see him. I think the reason he's being so horrible has a lot to do with how unhappy he is generally, although I know that's no excuse.
To be honest, it was her I wouldn't have suspected, not him. And I feel bad suspecting her without solid proof, but at the same time I have a really bad feeling about it now.
The reason I want to be friends with him is because I have to see him and his friends around all the time. (His friends are perfectly pleasant towards me.) And when he can find it in himself to be nice, I feel much better about moving on. I just hate being on bad terms with someone, especially when it's someone I used to care about.
He's been through some pretty tough times recently, including failing his year at uni, which means that although he was supposed to have been going abroad next year (meaning I wouldn't care so much because I'd only have to see him until the end of term anyway) he's having to repeat the year, which means he will still be around and I will continue to see him. I think the reason he's being so horrible has a lot to do with how unhappy he is generally, although I know that's no excuse.
you're overthinking, a lot.
Basically, you're almost certainly never going to know the truth for certain.
I personally, from reading that, don't think that he cheated on you.
And as said, no one would laugh at you for being cheated on. I'd also like to think that if you were being cheated on, someone would've told you.
Try to avoid him and hope he gets super ugly, tehe
Basically, you're almost certainly never going to know the truth for certain.
I personally, from reading that, don't think that he cheated on you.
And as said, no one would laugh at you for being cheated on. I'd also like to think that if you were being cheated on, someone would've told you.
Try to avoid him and hope he gets super ugly, tehe
Reply 5
Thanks for your opinions. I guess I just have to keep trying hard to let it go. I know I'm over him in the sense that I definitely wouldn't want anything to happen between us again, and so I suppose in that sense I'm not being disloyal to my current boyfriend. It's just so confusing that he still has the ability to make me feel really sad.
Reply 6
Wow you are so shot of your ex, you don't need a pathetic piece of crap like that. You are so much better off with your current bloke.
Reply 7
I'm in a similiar situation. It's been 3/4 months since i split up from my ex but as a result of still living with him and seeing him everyday I chose to remain friends with him but he's abused this so much, being rude to me and still having the power to make me feel really low even though i too feel like i'm over him in the sense that i know for sure that i could never have a relationship with ever again.
I know he's rude and horrible to me because he's jealous of my life and the new guys i'm going out with or socialising with at the moment...i'm not trying to rub it in his face, just trying to get on with my life after he cheated on me and i hit rock bottom for a bit. I still care a lot about him and when he has a rough time and acts out i feel the need to be there for him... it hurts a lot that he rejects my friendship and chooses to drink excessively and lash out at all our flatmates.
Anyway that's my story cos it sometimes helps to hear you're not on your own. i really don't think you're being disloyal to your new boyfriend but i would say it sounds like you're not completely emotionally over your ex due to the fact you still see him and haven't had significant closure. Why did you guys break up?
Don't beat yourself up over the fact you still have feelings... it's hard to just close the door on someone who once meant something to you. I know deep down i should be trying to cut my ex out of my life and trying to get on with everything just as you probably do but sometimes life isn't black and white.
I know he's rude and horrible to me because he's jealous of my life and the new guys i'm going out with or socialising with at the moment...i'm not trying to rub it in his face, just trying to get on with my life after he cheated on me and i hit rock bottom for a bit. I still care a lot about him and when he has a rough time and acts out i feel the need to be there for him... it hurts a lot that he rejects my friendship and chooses to drink excessively and lash out at all our flatmates.
Anyway that's my story cos it sometimes helps to hear you're not on your own. i really don't think you're being disloyal to your new boyfriend but i would say it sounds like you're not completely emotionally over your ex due to the fact you still see him and haven't had significant closure. Why did you guys break up?
Don't beat yourself up over the fact you still have feelings... it's hard to just close the door on someone who once meant something to you. I know deep down i should be trying to cut my ex out of my life and trying to get on with everything just as you probably do but sometimes life isn't black and white.
Reply 8
purple_octopus
I'm in a similiar situation. It's been 3/4 months since i split up from my ex but as a result of still living with him and seeing him everyday I chose to remain friends with him but he's abused this so much, being rude to me and still having the power to make me feel really low even though i too feel like i'm over him in the sense that i know for sure that i could never have a relationship with ever again.
I know he's rude and horrible to me because he's jealous of my life and the new guys i'm going out with or socialising with at the moment...i'm not trying to rub it in his face, just trying to get on with my life after he cheated on me and i hit rock bottom for a bit. I still care a lot about him and when he has a rough time and acts out i feel the need to be there for him... it hurts a lot that he rejects my friendship and chooses to drink excessively and lash out at all our flatmates.
Anyway that's my story cos it sometimes helps to hear you're not on your own. i really don't think you're being disloyal to your new boyfriend but i would say it sounds like you're not completely emotionally over your ex due to the fact you still see him and haven't had significant closure. Why did you guys break up?
Don't beat yourself up over the fact you still have feelings... it's hard to just close the door on someone who once meant something to you. I know deep down i should be trying to cut my ex out of my life and trying to get on with everything just as you probably do but sometimes life isn't black and white.
I know he's rude and horrible to me because he's jealous of my life and the new guys i'm going out with or socialising with at the moment...i'm not trying to rub it in his face, just trying to get on with my life after he cheated on me and i hit rock bottom for a bit. I still care a lot about him and when he has a rough time and acts out i feel the need to be there for him... it hurts a lot that he rejects my friendship and chooses to drink excessively and lash out at all our flatmates.
Anyway that's my story cos it sometimes helps to hear you're not on your own. i really don't think you're being disloyal to your new boyfriend but i would say it sounds like you're not completely emotionally over your ex due to the fact you still see him and haven't had significant closure. Why did you guys break up?
Don't beat yourself up over the fact you still have feelings... it's hard to just close the door on someone who once meant something to you. I know deep down i should be trying to cut my ex out of my life and trying to get on with everything just as you probably do but sometimes life isn't black and white.
It's interesting to hear a similar story.
We broke up because he just randomly decided his feelings for me weren't as strong as he thought they were. A few really important things in his life went pretty badly wrong and he didn't want to talk to me about them and didn't want to work at the relationship. Basically he ended it with very little warning, expected me to just accept it and not be upset, then when I was upset he decided the best course of action would just be to ignore me completely.
Yes, I know, I'm well shot of him. Just been over at my current boyfriend's house... he's so much better for me.
although it makes sense why you'd feel upset, that sort of stuff is in the past for a reason. not only is your previous relationship in the past due to time simply and inevitably shedding its hours, days and months, but by being in a new relationship, you really are in a different chapter.
i'd try to concentrate on how good your situation right now is - forget whatever happened (or hasn't) happened - dwelling on it will do no good. if anything, it could lead you on a wild goose chase full of uncertainty, paranoia and unnecessary emotional complications. carpe diem i say.
i'd try to concentrate on how good your situation right now is - forget whatever happened (or hasn't) happened - dwelling on it will do no good. if anything, it could lead you on a wild goose chase full of uncertainty, paranoia and unnecessary emotional complications. carpe diem i say.
I'm with all the people who say forget about him. Easier to say than do, but you could be alone and torturing yourself more than you are now. Even if you confront him or your friend, you're not necessarily going to get the truth. Instead, you've got a wonderful bloke. Don't wreck things with him for your ex! His friends are being fine with you so he's the only one acting like a kid by being nasty, if you stay civil then it's up to him how he acts and you're the one acting like an adult. You've got your new bloke, your life - he's not really worth messing that up, is he?
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