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My overweight girl.....
Sorry for this long story, just need a little advice please,
Well recently, i met this girl on the internet and we chat every day, usually for hours. I never get bored of her and she's really, really interesting.
When we first met up i really didn't expect her to be as big as she was and i was a little uncomfortable with it. But i gave it a chance and now i feel i am much more comfortable with the weight thing.
She is really pretty, but the weight thing kinda stops her looking as good as she could do. As she is losing weight pretty quickly at the mo i know she is going to be more attractive to me in the future, but i know i should be really attracted to her now!!
How heavily should i base her looks on in this relationship or does personality form the relationship more?
thanks for any advice
Well recently, i met this girl on the internet and we chat every day, usually for hours. I never get bored of her and she's really, really interesting.
When we first met up i really didn't expect her to be as big as she was and i was a little uncomfortable with it. But i gave it a chance and now i feel i am much more comfortable with the weight thing.
She is really pretty, but the weight thing kinda stops her looking as good as she could do. As she is losing weight pretty quickly at the mo i know she is going to be more attractive to me in the future, but i know i should be really attracted to her now!!
How heavily should i base her looks on in this relationship or does personality form the relationship more?
thanks for any advice
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
*waits for explosion*
Personally I think looks have alot to do with how we perceive the person, as much as we all deny it.
The extent of someone's personality can over spread so far in my books...
edit: once a fatty always a fatty.
Personally I think looks have alot to do with how we perceive the person, as much as we all deny it.
The extent of someone's personality can over spread so far in my books...
edit: once a fatty always a fatty.
If you think you can only be with her *if* she loses weight, then you probably shouldn't bother. Sounds like the way she looks is a problem to you, and it's probably not a good idea to go any further with the relationship if her weight is clearly such an issue with you. It isn't really fair to either of you to be in a relationship where how much you like her seems to be so 'conditional' on the way she looks.
I accept that we all go for looks to a certain extent, but there does come a point in your life when you have to grow up and look for something else in a person - looks change, people get old, fat, pregnant, bald ... If you're not able to look beyond that yet, then I'd end the relationship now before you hurt this girl deeply.
I accept that we all go for looks to a certain extent, but there does come a point in your life when you have to grow up and look for something else in a person - looks change, people get old, fat, pregnant, bald ... If you're not able to look beyond that yet, then I'd end the relationship now before you hurt this girl deeply.
Reply 3
as long as you still find her attractive in her current state i dont think there's much to worry about. you should pay more attention to her personality (imo), after all, looks go, personalities often dont change much throughout life.
hope it all works out for the two of you!! all the best ;-)
hope it all works out for the two of you!! all the best ;-)
JimStary
Sorry for this long story, just need a little advice please,
Well recently, i met this girl on the internet and we chat every day, usually for hours. I never get bored of her and she's really, really interesting.
When we first met up i really didn't expect her to be as big as she was and i was a little uncomfortable with it. But i gave it a chance and now i feel i am much more comfortable with the weight thing.
She is really pretty, but the weight thing kinda stops her looking as good as she could do. As she is losing weight pretty quickly at the mo i know she is going to be more attractive to me in the future, but i know i should be really attracted to her now!!
How heavily should i base her looks on in this relationship or does personality form the relationship more?
thanks for any advice
Well recently, i met this girl on the internet and we chat every day, usually for hours. I never get bored of her and she's really, really interesting.
When we first met up i really didn't expect her to be as big as she was and i was a little uncomfortable with it. But i gave it a chance and now i feel i am much more comfortable with the weight thing.
She is really pretty, but the weight thing kinda stops her looking as good as she could do. As she is losing weight pretty quickly at the mo i know she is going to be more attractive to me in the future, but i know i should be really attracted to her now!!
How heavily should i base her looks on in this relationship or does personality form the relationship more?
thanks for any advice
Reply 5
JimStary
OP
thanks for the comments guys.
I know that her weight problem is a medical problem and not caused by unhalthy eating, she eats really healthily actually. And she is using medication to sort this out, which she has recently started using after being diagnosed.
If it was caused by excessive eating i would see it as disrespecting herself and would find that unnattractive, but as this isn't the case, i feel it would be pretty bad to call it off because of something that isn't her fault and something thats she's trying to change.
I really can't imagine life without her at the moment i just hope i can accept her for what she is. We have discussed all of this and really she wants me to make my mind up soon b4 she goes back home for the hols which makes it even more difficult
I know that her weight problem is a medical problem and not caused by unhalthy eating, she eats really healthily actually. And she is using medication to sort this out, which she has recently started using after being diagnosed.
If it was caused by excessive eating i would see it as disrespecting herself and would find that unnattractive, but as this isn't the case, i feel it would be pretty bad to call it off because of something that isn't her fault and something thats she's trying to change.
I really can't imagine life without her at the moment i just hope i can accept her for what she is. We have discussed all of this and really she wants me to make my mind up soon b4 she goes back home for the hols which makes it even more difficult
Reply 7
Segat1
Aww, you sound lovely.
edit: a agree with the post below. if that really is your intention-if you're saying you'd break up with her if she stayed the way she ws. if you really liked her you shouldnt even notice/it shouldnt bother you what she weighs..
JimStary
thanks for the comments guys.
I know that her weight problem is a medical problem and not caused by unhalthy eating, she eats really healthily actually. And she is using medication to sort this out, which she has recently started using after being diagnosed.
If it was caused by excessive eating i would see it as disrespecting herself and would find that unnattractive, but as this isn't the case, i feel it would be pretty bad to call it off because of something that isn't her fault and something thats she's trying to change.
I really can't imagine life without her at the moment i just hope i can accept her for what she is. We have discussed all of this and really she wants me to make my mind up soon b4 she goes back home for the hols which makes it even more difficult
I know that her weight problem is a medical problem and not caused by unhalthy eating, she eats really healthily actually. And she is using medication to sort this out, which she has recently started using after being diagnosed.
If it was caused by excessive eating i would see it as disrespecting herself and would find that unnattractive, but as this isn't the case, i feel it would be pretty bad to call it off because of something that isn't her fault and something thats she's trying to change.
I really can't imagine life without her at the moment i just hope i can accept her for what she is. We have discussed all of this and really she wants me to make my mind up soon b4 she goes back home for the hols which makes it even more difficult
I'm not being rude, but you do realise that if her weight is caused by a medical condition then there's a chance that the medication might not make her 'thin'? What will you do then, dump her if she can't look the way you want her to? It's an awful lot of pressure to put on someone, that they have to look a certain way for a relationship to be viable.
I just find the tone of your post a little offensive ... I don't think it's very nice of you at all to say to her that you need time to think about whether you can be with her because of her weight ... I think you're taking advantage of her a bit, expecting her to be hanging on to your every word while you decide if she's good enough for you. You're really not doing much for her confidence here.
I just feel that if you really did like her, her weight wouldn't be such an issue. Personally, if I was with a guy who said that he needed time to think about whether he could 'put up' with my appearance, I'd tell him where to get off.
Reply 9
just out of interest, how big is she exactly? how much does she weigh/what clothes size is she?
Reply 10
JimStary
OP
yeh, i think if we didn't know each other soo well then she would have told me to get lost by now and i wouldn't blame her its only because were so honest with each other that i told her how i felt.
And i don't like that i am making her wait for my decision, but i just want to ensure i am completely comfortable with it b4 a relationship and it wouldn't be fair if i started one and i wasn't.
I still feel like i need to go out and actually see her a few more times rather than just talking on the phone or online. Only then will i know whether i am attracted to her enough. I know for sure that she has a great personality. But i don't want to waste her time if i find i'm not attracted to her enough, so i don't know if i should ask now. This is sooo difficult.
And i don't like that i am making her wait for my decision, but i just want to ensure i am completely comfortable with it b4 a relationship and it wouldn't be fair if i started one and i wasn't.
I still feel like i need to go out and actually see her a few more times rather than just talking on the phone or online. Only then will i know whether i am attracted to her enough. I know for sure that she has a great personality. But i don't want to waste her time if i find i'm not attracted to her enough, so i don't know if i should ask now. This is sooo difficult.
Reply 11
JimStary
OP
hmmmm
i don't know if this should matter really, but she is about a size 20 and hopes to get down to a 14.
i don't know if this should matter really, but she is about a size 20 and hopes to get down to a 14.
Reply 12
just wanted to know if you were exaggerating or not. you know how for some guys, 'fat' is a size 12.
i think youre being great about this situation actually, the way you're dealing with it is completely fair on her. i know a lot of guys who would just shy away from telling her the real reason why they were having doubts about getting into a relationship, and youre doing the brave thing. good luck!
i think youre being great about this situation actually, the way you're dealing with it is completely fair on her. i know a lot of guys who would just shy away from telling her the real reason why they were having doubts about getting into a relationship, and youre doing the brave thing. good luck!
JimStary
yeh, i think if we didn't know each other soo well then she would have told me to get lost by now and i wouldn't blame her its only because were so honest with each other that i told her how i felt.
And i don't like that i am making her wait for my decision, but i just want to ensure i am completely comfortable with it b4 a relationship and it wouldn't be fair if i started one and i wasn't.
I still feel like i need to go out and actually see her a few more times rather than just talking on the phone or online. Only then will i know whether i am attracted to her enough. I know for sure that she has a great personality. But i don't want to waste her time if i find i'm not attracted to her enough, so i don't know if i should ask now. This is sooo difficult.
And i don't like that i am making her wait for my decision, but i just want to ensure i am completely comfortable with it b4 a relationship and it wouldn't be fair if i started one and i wasn't.
I still feel like i need to go out and actually see her a few more times rather than just talking on the phone or online. Only then will i know whether i am attracted to her enough. I know for sure that she has a great personality. But i don't want to waste her time if i find i'm not attracted to her enough, so i don't know if i should ask now. This is sooo difficult.
Sorry, but I think you've probably hurt her already by telling her how you feel. I'm all for honesty, but there's a point when you have to be a little bit tactful. Of course it's not fair to start a relationship with someone and not be commited ... but equally it's not fair to string someone along while you make up your mind (and tell her what you're doing!!!)
I honestly feel that in this case, you should end it now. The fact that you're needing so long to think about this suggests that whatever you say, her weight always WILL be an issue with you, and it's going to be 'the elephant in the room' in your relationship. Also, it can be difficult for people who choose to go out with someone larger - you'll probably get a lot of crap from your friends and if you're not committed to this girl, you're going to find it very hard to deal with. As I said in a previous post, if you can only love her if she changes in some way, then can you really love her at all? It isn't fair to expect someone to change for you ...
Also, I really, really don't think it's fair to say to this girl that you want to go out a few more times to see if you can deal with her appearance. In a 'real' relationship, attraction to someone grows as you get to know them - my boyfriend is no adonis lol (and I'm no supermodel) but our relationship has got better the longer we've known each other. I just feel that you're struggling to get to this point, because you can't overcome this hurdle of how she looks.
Reply 14
i think you should think urself lucky youve found a girl who is still willing to be with u after youve basically told her shes too fat.
id have told you where to go by now.
im not saying i too dont consider looks to be important.and its an understandable thing to question in ur head. you have to be attracted to someone
but if someone said that to me id be feeling completely ****.
id have told you where to go by now.
im not saying i too dont consider looks to be important.and its an understandable thing to question in ur head. you have to be attracted to someone
but if someone said that to me id be feeling completely ****.
Reply 15
Paeony
I honestly feel that in this case, you should end it now. The fact that you're needing so long to think about this suggests that whatever you say, her weight always WILL be an issue with you, and it's going to be 'the elephant in the room' in your relationship. Also, it can be difficult for people who choose to go out with someone larger - you'll probably get a lot of crap from your friends and if you're not committed to this girl, you're going to find it very hard to deal with. As I said in a previous post, if you can only love her if she changes in some way, then can you really love her at all? It isn't fair to expect someone to change for you ...
I honestly feel that in this case, you should end it now. The fact that you're needing so long to think about this suggests that whatever you say, her weight always WILL be an issue with you, and it's going to be 'the elephant in the room' in your relationship. Also, it can be difficult for people who choose to go out with someone larger - you'll probably get a lot of crap from your friends and if you're not committed to this girl, you're going to find it very hard to deal with. As I said in a previous post, if you can only love her if she changes in some way, then can you really love her at all? It isn't fair to expect someone to change for you ...
yeh u have to be able to walk down the street with ur gf and be proud that shes yours. if u have personal problems with her weight. when ur out together will u just be constantly worrying what other ppl are thinking. im not suggesting u will or should. but u have to question it to urself.
what i would think about is if u do decide not to go out with her, how to let her down. personally speaking if u told me ur not sure about my appearance youl have to think about it, then u dumped me id be absolutly gutted and my self esteem would go right down. but then again is it right to string her along for a while so she thinks its a different reason u broke up? its a tricky one.
Reply 16
Physical attraction is important, but it's not the most important thing. You have to be physically attracted to someone to some degree.
Her personality should be a lot more important, if you like spending time with her than that should mean a lot more than what her looks do. If you two get on well, and there is some kind of chemistry then you need to see past her looks and see her as the whole person (god, that makes me sound terrible).
Personality it ten times more important than looks. You need to be able to talk to the person, get on with the person rather than just think they look good. Communication is the key to all relationships, if you can communicate with them well then why should looks really matter?
She's doing something about her weight, and she'll gain a lot of confidence doing that, hopefully it will make you more attracted to her too. Saying that, try to see past it and enjoy what you two have.
Her personality should be a lot more important, if you like spending time with her than that should mean a lot more than what her looks do. If you two get on well, and there is some kind of chemistry then you need to see past her looks and see her as the whole person (god, that makes me sound terrible).
Personality it ten times more important than looks. You need to be able to talk to the person, get on with the person rather than just think they look good. Communication is the key to all relationships, if you can communicate with them well then why should looks really matter?
She's doing something about her weight, and she'll gain a lot of confidence doing that, hopefully it will make you more attracted to her too. Saying that, try to see past it and enjoy what you two have.
Reply 17
What it boils down to in a romantic relationship is whether or not you are sexually attracted to her, and that can be down either to her looks, personality or both. If you find her attractive despite her weight then there is hope for your relationship. If her weight diminishes any attraction to her that you had when her looks weren't part of the equation then it is unlikely to work out and you should break it off with her for the sake of her feelings.
Reply 18
I think you're being a little unfair on the girl, and if you have to take this long to think about whether you like her clearly shows that you don't like her enough to go out with her. She deserves more from a boyfriend. I like your honesty though and you cant help it if you don't find her stunningly attractive, but why then cant you just be good friends?
Reply 19
go out with her and use it like a trial. if you dont feel uncofrtable and are into her then go for it. if it is causing a problem wait for her to lose weight then. though the second option is pretty vain tbh but if that is you then it shudnt be a problem
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