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How to stop speaking with a 'tone' to my boyfriend? Watch

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    #1

    My boyfriend hates it when people use a rude tone with him when disagreeing or arguing, and he expects both of us to be respectful to each other. Of course I respect him very much but honestly I never intend to use this tone with him. I don't even know what it is!

    I always watch the way I'm speaking to him, and from my point of view I think I'm being respectful and try to speak as sweetly as possible. But there is something specific he probably dislikes and I don't realise it at all. I never do this on purpose. He's dealt with this tone of mine for really long time, and apparently lately my attitude has gotten worse. If I don't change this as soon as possible I'm scared this will be the end

    Please help. How can I become more aware of my tone and control it better? I have tried everything, and this whole time I thought I was controlling it. Nothing is working! Maybe there is something I'm doing wrong. Does anyone have any advice??


    (And no he isn't demanding or being unreasonable as some friends of mine have said... He just really hates this and believes we both should use a good tone when speaking to each other.)
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    Sounds very condescending.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I never intend to use this tone with him. I don't even know what it is!
    Ask?
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    Oh my God that patronising whiny tone of voice is the only thing that can turn me into a downright nasty person, I really, really hate it when people speak to me like that, only if it's someone close to me though.

    I don't think you can change it without changing your emotions to be honest, try using more diplomatic words, 'I' statements, don't tense and get defensive, don't gesture your hands around all of a sudden, and just don't do it, UGH no don't do it pls. It's just that rude tone of voice omg pls make it stop
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend hates it when people use a rude tone with him when disagreeing or arguing, and he expects both of us to be respectful to each other. Of course I respect him very much but honestly I never intend to use this tone with him. I don't even know what it is!

    I always watch the way I'm speaking to him, and from my point of view I think I'm being respectful and try to speak as sweetly as possible. But there is something specific he probably dislikes and I don't realise it at all. I never do this on purpose. He's dealt with this tone of mine for really long time, and apparently lately my attitude has gotten worse. If I don't change this as soon as possible I'm scared this will be the end

    Please help. How can I become more aware of my tone and control it better? I have tried everything, and this whole time I thought I was controlling it. Nothing is working! Maybe there is something I'm doing wrong. Does anyone have any advice??


    (And no he isn't demanding or being unreasonable as some friends of mine have said... He just really hates this and believes we both should use a good tone when speaking to each other.)
    A lot of men have experienced a controlling relationship, and become fearful of 'controlling people' or 'tones'. I have had a few friends who had very controlling girlfriends and they hated teachers who were 'bossy' in how they spoke.

    From my experience, the best thing to do is ask him more things, instead of telling him, as the 'tone' is often becuase of what's being said. So instead of saying (I'm not saying that you do) 'make me a cup of coffee whilst your at it' you could say 'please could you make me one too'. Not a great example but maybe it's worth trying
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    (Original post by whorace)
    Oh my God that patronising whiny tone of voice is the only thing that can turn me into a downright nasty person, I really, really hate it when people speak to me like that, only if it's someone close to me though.

    I don't think you can change it without changing your emotions to be honest, try using more diplomatic words, 'I' statements, don't tense and get defensive, don't gesture your hands around all of a sudden, and just don't do it, UGH no don't do it pls. It's just that rude tone of voice omg pls make it stop
    My tone isn't whiny though. It's like we'll be disagreeing on something, and something he says makes me annoyed, so I try really hard to be nice and not get rude with him, but it comes out in a different way I guess. For example I'll say something starting with "obviously...". It's not the word itself but the way I say it.

    It's hard to explain, but I don't actually know what it is I do wrong. I speak normally, with a normal voice.
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    (Original post by Reue)
    Sounds very condescending.



    Ask?
    What's condescending?

    And I have, but he said I'm old enough to be able to realise and control it. He said it's just the way I say things.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What's condescending?
    Ironically; his tone to you

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And I have, but he said I'm old enough to be able to realise and control it. He said it's just the way I say things.
    Proving my point above.
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    You don't respect him enough.

    Get a boyfriend you respect and you won't have this problem.
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    (Original post by balanced)
    A lot of men have experienced a controlling relationship, and become fearful of 'controlling people' or 'tones'. I have had a few friends who had very controlling girlfriends and they hated teachers who were 'bossy' in how they spoke.

    From my experience, the best thing to do is ask him more things, instead of telling him, as the 'tone' is often becuase of what's being said. So instead of saying (I'm not saying that you do) 'make me a cup of coffee whilst your at it' you could say 'please could you make me one too'. Not a great example but maybe it's worth trying
    He's never been in that position, he just believes we should always be respectful with one another, and of course I agree but I never thought I speak with disrespect.

    I already do this. The 'tone' only comes out when we're disagreeing and he's saying things that are annoying or upsetting me. And I never show that I'm annoyed with him, ever, but somehow I change the way I talk and don't realise it.

    Thanks for the help though
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Reue)
    Ironically; his tone to you



    Proving my point above.
    I agree that I shouldn't be using a tone though. He never does with me unless I start using mine.. whatever this tone is that I'm not aware of.
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    In a controlling manner, he's accusing you of using a controlling tone. There's a 10,000 word paper in that one.
 
 
 
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