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Love query - answers welcome
I'm confused about love and relationships really... here's why:
Anecdote
Two of my friends have just broken off their 6-month relationship. She wanted to end it because of the long distance/some trust issues/etc. They both still love each other, but agreed to split because of the relationship problems. They also said they could get back together in a year when they're both at the same university. He said he loves her so much that he accepts her decision, and they've agreed to be close friends.
Confusion
I mean has anyone else been in this situation who can explain to me how all this works? I'm just so confused and don't understand my friends, and I don't understand love or relationships for that matter.
Anecdote
Two of my friends have just broken off their 6-month relationship. She wanted to end it because of the long distance/some trust issues/etc. They both still love each other, but agreed to split because of the relationship problems. They also said they could get back together in a year when they're both at the same university. He said he loves her so much that he accepts her decision, and they've agreed to be close friends.
Confusion
•
Maybe I've been watching too many movies, but surely love overcomes everything? Problems can be sorted out if you're in love, right? And they are very much in love, they really are.
•
How can a couple be close friends after splitting up from a romantic relationship so serious? Won't they still have romantic feelings for each other that are more than just friendship? And if so, why the hell don't they simply get back together?
•
How can they be convinced that they can try again at university (which is a good 18 months away) when they wanted to break it off in the first place? To me, if you love someone that's the main thing and anything else can be overcome. How will a long hold help the situation? Why have one at all?
•
How can either of them move on and date someone else (even in a few months) if they still love each other?
Reply 1
Love does not conquer all.
My girlfriend and I split because of distance, and the distance was what caused us to become emotionally distant as well as physically distant - despite loving each other to bits.
She no longer loves me, but is open that maybe in the future when we're closer we could work again.
I try not to think about that too much because it's false hope, and besides - she has a crush on my best friend
, and once something happens there we're buggered.
Nevertheless, my love for her remains and yet I'm happy that we broke up - despite it being on of the worst experiences of my life.
Love does not conquer all, in reality people need more than love - it's sad.
[edit]
It's complicated eh? She says that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her and yet she doesn't love me anymore - try and explain that with logic. Love is not logical - love transcends logic (my God, I just wrote that?).
Don't try and understand what they're going through - maybe in 18 months they will get back together, or maybe they'll have entirely different lives.
It's not for you to judge, they'll make their own mistakes and learn from them the hard way
Hell, as for the "other relationships" thing, it shouldn't really be an obstacle. People need to get out and live a little before doing any settling down, if they do get back together in 18 months time, some time with other people might actually do them some good...
My girlfriend and I split because of distance, and the distance was what caused us to become emotionally distant as well as physically distant - despite loving each other to bits.
She no longer loves me, but is open that maybe in the future when we're closer we could work again.
I try not to think about that too much because it's false hope, and besides - she has a crush on my best friend
, and once something happens there we're buggered.Nevertheless, my love for her remains and yet I'm happy that we broke up - despite it being on of the worst experiences of my life.
Love does not conquer all, in reality people need more than love - it's sad.
[edit]
It's complicated eh? She says that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her and yet she doesn't love me anymore - try and explain that with logic. Love is not logical - love transcends logic (my God, I just wrote that?).
Don't try and understand what they're going through - maybe in 18 months they will get back together, or maybe they'll have entirely different lives.
It's not for you to judge, they'll make their own mistakes and learn from them the hard way
Hell, as for the "other relationships" thing, it shouldn't really be an obstacle. People need to get out and live a little before doing any settling down, if they do get back together in 18 months time, some time with other people might actually do them some good...
Reply 2
With good love, I don't see why trust would ever be an issue - I never really had any trust issues with my ex - it was all just distance distance distance
To me, that's what love is about, being able to tell each other anything and to be able to have some faith and trust in your partner when you're not around.
I'm not too sure about them getting together when they start uni. Uni is all about meeting new people and if they're intending on getting back together they might miss opportunities to make friends during the first few weeks, which can be really important especially if you're living somewhere new and don't know anybody.
Sort of agreed, but having said that, both me and the ex ended up in halls together and we still managed to make a group of friends.
Ook, not a group of friends we particularly hang out with anymore, but a group of friends nonetheless.
I agree though, because once I moved away she made better, more suited friends and I'm not sure if she would have done that were I still around.
To me, that's what love is about, being able to tell each other anything and to be able to have some faith and trust in your partner when you're not around.
I'm not too sure about them getting together when they start uni. Uni is all about meeting new people and if they're intending on getting back together they might miss opportunities to make friends during the first few weeks, which can be really important especially if you're living somewhere new and don't know anybody.
Sort of agreed, but having said that, both me and the ex ended up in halls together and we still managed to make a group of friends.
Ook, not a group of friends we particularly hang out with anymore, but a group of friends nonetheless.
I agree though, because once I moved away she made better, more suited friends and I'm not sure if she would have done that were I still around.
Reply 3
It's pretty much impossible to understand completely the intricacies of any relationship, especially those which you are not a part of. And sometimes, despite there being a vast amount of love, it is the categories and expectations placed on a serious relationship that are the problem. Their feelings might not change, there may still be a great amount of love, it just might be too much of a mental burden to be tied to one person without getting everything you want from the relationship.
I know my long-term boyfriend and I have had multiple extensive conversations about breaking up. From an outsiders perspective, this admission would be shocking as we are pretty much always together and always appear to be enjoying each others' presence. But there are issues such as who is putting in more effort to the relationship and differing priorities (I spent a lot more time with my dissertation this semester than I did with my boyfriend, tragically) that make even the deepest loves rocky sometimes.
Basically, you'll never know why they can comfortably call it off. Maybe they want to do some comparison before making a serious commitment?
I know my long-term boyfriend and I have had multiple extensive conversations about breaking up. From an outsiders perspective, this admission would be shocking as we are pretty much always together and always appear to be enjoying each others' presence. But there are issues such as who is putting in more effort to the relationship and differing priorities (I spent a lot more time with my dissertation this semester than I did with my boyfriend, tragically) that make even the deepest loves rocky sometimes.
Basically, you'll never know why they can comfortably call it off. Maybe they want to do some comparison before making a serious commitment?
Dero
Love does not conquer all.
My girlfriend and I split because of distance, and the distance was what caused us to become emotionally distant as well as physically distant - despite loving each other to bits.
She no longer loves me, but is open that maybe in the future when we're closer we could work again.
I try not to think about that too much because it's false hope, and besides - she has a crush on my best friend, and once something happens there we're buggered.
Nevertheless, my love for her remains and yet I'm happy that we broke up - despite it being on of the worst experiences of my life.
Love does not conquer all, in reality people need more than love - it's sad.
My girlfriend and I split because of distance, and the distance was what caused us to become emotionally distant as well as physically distant - despite loving each other to bits.
She no longer loves me, but is open that maybe in the future when we're closer we could work again.
I try not to think about that too much because it's false hope, and besides - she has a crush on my best friend
, and once something happens there we're buggered.Nevertheless, my love for her remains and yet I'm happy that we broke up - despite it being on of the worst experiences of my life.
Love does not conquer all, in reality people need more than love - it's sad.
Hmmm. You say you still love her, so could you move on and date someone else whilst still being in love with an ex?
I guess, at the end of the day, it depends whether you regard love to be something that only happens with "the one." If you really believe that that person is "the one" then I don't see how people can split up, because love is that powerful. Yet if love is something that can be acquired with enough effort then you can effectively love anyone, it's just a matter of finding a person closest to your ideals. I don't know, I'm really confused.
[edit]
It's complicated eh? She says that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her and yet she doesn't love me anymore - try and explain that with logic. Love is not logical - love transcends logic (my God, I just wrote that?).
Don't try and understand what they're going through - maybe in 18 months they will get back together, or maybe they'll have entirely different lives.
It's not for you to judge, they'll make their own mistakes and learn from them the hard way
Hell, as for the "other relationships" thing, it shouldn't really be an obstacle. People need to get out and live a little before doing any settling down, if they do get back together in 18 months time, some time with other people might actually do them some good...
It's complicated eh? She says that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her and yet she doesn't love me anymore - try and explain that with logic. Love is not logical - love transcends logic (my God, I just wrote that?).
Don't try and understand what they're going through - maybe in 18 months they will get back together, or maybe they'll have entirely different lives.
It's not for you to judge, they'll make their own mistakes and learn from them the hard way
Hell, as for the "other relationships" thing, it shouldn't really be an obstacle. People need to get out and live a little before doing any settling down, if they do get back together in 18 months time, some time with other people might actually do them some good...
You're right about love transcending logic... it certainly transcends my brain anyway.
I can't help but try to understand. It's not just their relationship but any relationship I've witnessed or experienced too. I'm just trying to understand the whole phenomenon and work out exactly whether love is a something that can only be gained with one person ever, or whether it's more like a "skill," for lack of a better word.
bigred
I really wish that was the case! Often practicality comes first in a long-distance relationship. I was hopeful to get back together with my ex-girlfriend when I started uni, I'd be closer to her and everything would be 'back to normal'. We split for the same reasons (distance/trust). Unfortunately things don't always work as they do in the movies
I'm not too sure about them getting together when they start uni. Uni is all about meeting new people and if they're intending on getting back together they might miss opportunities to make friends during the first few weeks, which can be really important especially if you're living somewhere new and don't know anybody.
I'm not too sure about them getting together when they start uni. Uni is all about meeting new people and if they're intending on getting back together they might miss opportunities to make friends during the first few weeks, which can be really important especially if you're living somewhere new and don't know anybody.
Hmm what if it's not a long distance relationship then? I know of a couple who were together 4 years, living close, and then broke up. To me, that is not only tragic but extremely baffling. To be together 4 years there must be a helluva lot of love going on! And yet they split up?
I don't get how or why that happens and how they're supposed to move on. mdog235
It's pretty much impossible to understand completely the intricacies of any relationship, especially those which you are not a part of. And sometimes, despite there being a vast amount of love, it is the categories and expectations placed on a serious relationship that are the problem. Their feelings might not change, there may still be a great amount of love, it just might be too much of a mental burden to be tied to one person without getting everything you want from the relationship.
I know my long-term boyfriend and I have had multiple extensive conversations about breaking up. From an outsiders perspective, this admission would be shocking as we are pretty much always together and always appear to be enjoying each others' presence. But there are issues such as who is putting in more effort to the relationship and differing priorities (I spent a lot more time with my dissertation this semester than I did with my boyfriend, tragically) that make even the deepest loves rocky sometimes.
Basically, you'll never know why they can comfortably call it off. Maybe they want to do some comparison before making a serious commitment?
I know my long-term boyfriend and I have had multiple extensive conversations about breaking up. From an outsiders perspective, this admission would be shocking as we are pretty much always together and always appear to be enjoying each others' presence. But there are issues such as who is putting in more effort to the relationship and differing priorities (I spent a lot more time with my dissertation this semester than I did with my boyfriend, tragically) that make even the deepest loves rocky sometimes.
Basically, you'll never know why they can comfortably call it off. Maybe they want to do some comparison before making a serious commitment?
They've both stated that they hope they don't meet anyone else, but it's inevitable really. And if one of them did meet someone else, surely their love will not be as intense considering they're both still in love with each other. It's a bit unfair on the new person too, surely.
Reply 5
gemgems89
No doubt its incredibly hard to end a 4 year relationship, but there is one fact: people change. Think about it, you're not the same person you were 4 years ago. Have your friendships changed over the past 4 years? Surely people have come and gone and changed while you've known them.
This affects relationships greatly. I love my boyfriend dearly and could see myself with him forever, but we're about to graduate from university and enter the real world. Who knows how we will respond to having jobs and responsibilities that extend beyond turning in papers on time? What if he becomes a self-centered, stressed out workaholic?
In short, I'm trying to point out to you that this idea of *LOVE* does have practical considerations, and it would be foolish to commit yourself to the idea of LOVE and think that people changing or practical considerations will just melt away....
Maybe I've been watching too many movies, but surely love overcomes everything? Problems can be sorted out if you're in love, right? And they are very much in love, they really are.
You have been watching too many movies. There are many people out there we may fall in love with, but if we are just not ready then **** ain't gonna happen.
How can a couple be close friends after splitting up from a romantic relationship so serious? Won't they still have romantic feelings for each other that are more than just friendship? And if so, why the hell don't they simply get back together?
Wait until they get drunk.
How can they be convinced that they can try again at university (which is a good 18 months away) when they wanted to break it off in the first place? To me, if you love someone that's the main thing and anything else can be overcome. How will a long hold help the situation? Why have one at all?
They are deluding themselves. They shall slowly fall apart and move on.
How can either of them move on and date someone else (even in a few months) if they still love each other?
This is the same as yoda's previous point.
You have been watching too many movies. There are many people out there we may fall in love with, but if we are just not ready then **** ain't gonna happen.
How can a couple be close friends after splitting up from a romantic relationship so serious? Won't they still have romantic feelings for each other that are more than just friendship? And if so, why the hell don't they simply get back together?
Wait until they get drunk.
How can they be convinced that they can try again at university (which is a good 18 months away) when they wanted to break it off in the first place? To me, if you love someone that's the main thing and anything else can be overcome. How will a long hold help the situation? Why have one at all?
They are deluding themselves. They shall slowly fall apart and move on.
How can either of them move on and date someone else (even in a few months) if they still love each other?
This is the same as yoda's previous point.
Maybe I've been watching too many movies, but surely love overcomes everything? Problems can be sorted out if you're in love, right? And they are very much in love, they really are.
It can overcome most obstacles - even religion. If you truly feel for them, chances are you will go to any lengths to prove that.
How can a couple be close friends after splitting up from a romantic relationship so serious? Won't they still have romantic feelings for each other that are more than just friendship? And if so, why the hell don't they simply get back together?
I don't think you can. Myself included. Even my best friend has had many girlfriends (too many) and keeps in contact with all of them, however, a couple that he really liked he has nothing to do with - same as me.
How can they be convinced that they can try again at university (which is a good 18 months away) when they wanted to break it off in the first place? To me, if you love someone that's the main thing and anything else can be overcome. How will a long hold help the situation? Why have one at all?
They are deluding themselves. They shall slowly fall apart and move on.
^ Quoted this from Yoda - it's most likely true, unless of course you like each other that much. However, at 18 years old, things change rapidly until relative stability early 20's.
How can either of them move on and date someone else (even in a few months) if they still love each other?
Easy - it helps overcome the immediate problem. Getting to know someone else alleviates any feelings for your ex.
However, depending on the love/relationship - you will always secretly want to keep in contact with each other, even by the remotest means (I still have a joint bank account
)
At the same time, it makes you feel sick (especially any
). But the other person gives you enough time, and you realise how important the new person is to you as (s)he waited for you while you're flushing out your ex.
It can overcome most obstacles - even religion. If you truly feel for them, chances are you will go to any lengths to prove that.
How can a couple be close friends after splitting up from a romantic relationship so serious? Won't they still have romantic feelings for each other that are more than just friendship? And if so, why the hell don't they simply get back together?
I don't think you can. Myself included. Even my best friend has had many girlfriends (too many) and keeps in contact with all of them, however, a couple that he really liked he has nothing to do with - same as me.
How can they be convinced that they can try again at university (which is a good 18 months away) when they wanted to break it off in the first place? To me, if you love someone that's the main thing and anything else can be overcome. How will a long hold help the situation? Why have one at all?
They are deluding themselves. They shall slowly fall apart and move on.
^ Quoted this from Yoda - it's most likely true, unless of course you like each other that much. However, at 18 years old, things change rapidly until relative stability early 20's.
How can either of them move on and date someone else (even in a few months) if they still love each other?
Easy - it helps overcome the immediate problem. Getting to know someone else alleviates any feelings for your ex.
However, depending on the love/relationship - you will always secretly want to keep in contact with each other, even by the remotest means (I still have a joint bank account
)At the same time, it makes you feel sick (especially any
). But the other person gives you enough time, and you realise how important the new person is to you as (s)he waited for you while you're flushing out your ex.
Reply 9
gemgems89
Confusion
I mean has anyone else been in this situation who can explain to me how all this works? I'm just so confused and don't understand my friends, and I don't understand love or relationships for that matter.
Confusion
•
Maybe I've been watching too many movies, but surely love overcomes everything? Problems can be sorted out if you're in love, right? And they are very much in love, they really are.
•
How can a couple be close friends after splitting up from a romantic relationship so serious? Won't they still have romantic feelings for each other that are more than just friendship? And if so, why the hell don't they simply get back together?
•
How can they be convinced that they can try again at university (which is a good 18 months away) when they wanted to break it off in the first place? To me, if you love someone that's the main thing and anything else can be overcome. How will a long hold help the situation? Why have one at all?
•
How can either of them move on and date someone else (even in a few months) if they still love each other?
I sort of believe that love can over come most problems, especially something so simple like distance. However sometimes for one party or the other, they just feel that its too painful to go on without each other. Love doesn't always trump over things such as compatability though, as much as you love someone.. if you can't stand being together there thats going to be a bit of a problem.
As for couples being friends after a serious relationship, sure it can happen. The stage up from friendship is not a relationship, they are two completely different things therefore someone can end their relationship on mutual terms and still have their strong friendship foundation.
This can sometimes happen when people discover that they no longer view their partner as a romantic interest but more of a friendly sort of way.
The only problem with the above is that it usually has to be a mutual end between both people, or at least one person respects the other person enough to accept their decision to end it. Else it ends up in a messy break with one person feeling too hurt to continue on with their friendship.
As for your friends saying they might get back together... I sort of agree with Yoda there. It will most likely start to drift. In my opinion if they really did like each other enough, they would be willing to wait for each other. There is no need to date other people, seriously why do people need to be in a relationship with others. It doesn't really make sense to me.
Course its not impossible, maybe perhaps they will meet again 5 years from now completely different to each other and start straight from the beginning.
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