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Years later, still mourning loss of my virginity to a man who didn't care about me :( Watch

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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Anon please!

    It's always made me sad, but lately it's really been messing with my mind... When I was 20 many years ago I had never had a boyfriend/sex or even been kissed or hugged by an man and literally every other girl around me had been doing so since the age of about 13/14 . In hindsight I'm glad I did not enter such relations so young but at 20 I felt like a freak and an abomination that no guy had ever wanted me, I felt I was the only girl in the world who was unattractive in the eyes of every male.

    When I confessed my lack of experience to a male friend of mine within a few days much to my surprise he came onto me and I had my ever first kiss. He was quite drunk and afterwards was telling me about about all the girls we knew that he thought had great personalities, and he didn't mention me. Anyway I wrote the whole fiasco off as him being drunk. A few months later he came into my room and kissed me again and said we should have sex otherwise I might 'never' lose my virginity so I stupidly agreed. As terrible as it sounds I felt I should feel grateful that someone actually wanted anything from me. It really hurt and I wanted to stop and he got annoyed and told me to keep going. After it was over we were laying in bed and I was cuddling him and within 15 minutes he said 'I can't sleep, I'm going' and he got up and left.

    When I saw him next he said 'you should thank me, you're a 'real' woman now. Did you bleed after?' and when I said yes he smiled. We continued to have sex and I got feelings. He told me my best friend was prettier than me and that he'd rather have sex with her (and later he did, but that's another story), said my clothes and hair weren't nice enough so I went out to buy some more and dyed my hair but he didn't care, he said my body was gross and skinny and used to order me to put my clothes on after sex (even though he usually didn't stick around afterwards) and put me down because I was state school educated (even though I was getting top grades in physics at an RG uni while he failed many classes on another course).

    There's much more to it than this he even got physically violent on a few occasions. It hurts me so much that I lost my virginity to this man and to be honest my entire life I've never found a guy who likes or appreciates me, even as a friend on a basic level. I've never had a boyfriend either and I don't get asked out. I feel disgusted with myself but I only have myself to blame!!! I'm so pathetic that I would stoop so low in order to try and find 'love'. I wish I would have saved it but I would probably die a virgin as I don't think any man can ever love me. No I'm not just being cynical, there's people dying alone every day. I'm just sad that I probably will never have any fond memories of intimacy or affection in my life and only of being put down and used. I just can't forgive myself.

    So my question is how do I get over this, and over people who don't think I'm good enough (which is all men to be honest)?
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    tbh
    there's no one to blame
    but yourself




    but I'm sure you will find someone who will love you for who you are
    and then all this will just be a faint memory of the past
    • #2
    #2

    Don't feel terrible, he was a complete idiot. It's not really your fault. It wasn't really you who stooped low, he sounds like he has problems of his own. "did you bleed after sex?" "yes" and then he smiled? Yeah he sounds like an awful ma, but that isn't your fault. You had a terrible experience but now you can learn from it and move on.

    You're still young so you have plenty of time to find somebody. You will find somebody. I truly believe there is someone out there for everybody.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon please!

    It's always made me sad, but lately it's really been messing with my mind... When I was 20 many years ago I had never had a boyfriend/sex or even been kissed or hugged by an man and literally every other girl around me had been doing so since the age of about 13/14 . In hindsight I'm glad I did not enter such relations so young but at 20 I felt like a freak and an abomination that no guy had ever wanted me, I felt I was the only girl in the world who was unattractive in the eyes of every male.

    When I confessed my lack of experience to a male friend of mine within a few days much to my surprise he came onto me and I had my ever first kiss. He was quite drunk and afterwards was telling me about about all the girls we knew that he thought had great personalities, and he didn't mention me. Anyway I wrote the whole fiasco off as him being drunk. A few months later he came into my room and kissed me again and said we should have sex otherwise I might 'never' lose my virginity so I stupidly agreed. As terrible as it sounds I felt I should feel grateful that someone actually wanted anything from me. It really hurt and I wanted to stop and he got annoyed and told me to keep going. After it was over we were laying in bed and I was cuddling him and within 15 minutes he said 'I can't sleep, I'm going' and he got up and left.

    When I saw him next he said 'you should thank me, you're a 'real' woman now. Did you bleed after?' and when I said yes he smiled. We continued to have sex and I got feelings. He told me my best friend was prettier than me and that he'd rather have sex with her (and later he did, but that's another story), said my clothes and hair weren't nice enough so I went out to buy some more and dyed my hair but he didn't care, he said my body was gross and skinny and used to order me to put my clothes on after sex (even though he usually didn't stick around afterwards) and put me down because I was state school educated (even though I was getting top grades in physics at an RG uni while he failed many classes on another course).

    There's much more to it than this he even got physically violent on a few occasions. It hurts me so much that I lost my virginity to this man and to be honest my entire life I've never found a guy who likes or appreciates me, even as a friend on a basic level. I've never had a boyfriend either and I don't get asked out. I feel disgusted with myself but I only have myself to blame!!! I'm so pathetic that I would stoop so low in order to try and find 'love'. I wish I would have saved it but I would probably die a virgin as I don't think any man can ever love me. No I'm not just being cynical, there's people dying alone every day. I'm just sad that I probably will never have any fond memories of intimacy or affection in my life and only of being put down and used. I just can't forgive myself.

    So my question is how do I get over this, and over people who don't think I'm good enough (which is all men to be honest)?
    This is going to sound harsh, but it's the truth: you really need to stop comparing yourself to other people and caring what others think. I know it's easier said than done; you need to try. You /need/ to focus on yourself and have some alone time. Surround yourself with people who actually care about you. Also, forget men/boys. They come and ago. At the end of the day, fond memories of intimacy are not exactly the best; the best memories are those in which you were happy in.
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    (Original post by whorace)
    Lol almost had mine at 11... Apathetic either way, this sentimental gibberish is rather limiting.
    No you didn't surely not.
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    Oh fgs anon 2 is me, why is it even anon?
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    Soz I only skim read but basically you need to absolutely let go of things you have no control over, you cannot go back and change what happened and what's done is done. You need to forgive your mistakes and move on.

    Reference the quote "Your past is just a story" here - it is futile to try and remain so hung up on it and try to change it.

    It's easier said than done but you can't change it so just live with it.
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    (Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes)
    No you didn't surely not.
    I definitely did. Flirty girl asked for my number, I gave her my runescape account.

    She went on it.

    If she was up for runescape she was up for a good kissing. :facepalm: 11 year old me
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Ishea16)
    tbh
    there's no one to blame
    but yourself




    but I'm sure you will find someone who will love you for who you are
    and then all this will just be a faint memory of the past
    Yes I know I'm the one to blame as I said I feel bad that I was willing to stoop so low in my desperation to find a bit of affection.

    Well this was like 6 years ago and I've still not found anyone, I've not even been asked out on a date But I hope that it will become a distant memory and that I will find someone else but I'm not going to hold my breath.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mihael_Keehl)
    13 Lol. what whores.
    Yeah but that's pretty average though you know... I would say most girls start dating on average between 13 and 15 at least in the circles and places I've been in.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon please!

    It's always made me sad, but lately it's really been messing with my mind... When I was 20 many years ago I had never had a boyfriend/sex or even been kissed or hugged by an man and literally every other girl around me had been doing so since the age of about 13/14 . In hindsight I'm glad I did not enter such relations so young but at 20 I felt like a freak and an abomination that no guy had ever wanted me, I felt I was the only girl in the world who was unattractive in the eyes of every male.

    When I confessed my lack of experience to a male friend of mine within a few days much to my surprise he came onto me and I had my ever first kiss. He was quite drunk and afterwards was telling me about about all the girls we knew that he thought had great personalities, and he didn't mention me. Anyway I wrote the whole fiasco off as him being drunk. A few months later he came into my room and kissed me again and said we should have sex otherwise I might 'never' lose my virginity so I stupidly agreed. As terrible as it sounds I felt I should feel grateful that someone actually wanted anything from me. It really hurt and I wanted to stop and he got annoyed and told me to keep going. After it was over we were laying in bed and I was cuddling him and within 15 minutes he said 'I can't sleep, I'm going' and he got up and left.

    When I saw him next he said 'you should thank me, you're a 'real' woman now. Did you bleed after?' and when I said yes he smiled. We continued to have sex and I got feelings. He told me my best friend was prettier than me and that he'd rather have sex with her (and later he did, but that's another story), said my clothes and hair weren't nice enough so I went out to buy some more and dyed my hair but he didn't care, he said my body was gross and skinny and used to order me to put my clothes on after sex (even though he usually didn't stick around afterwards) and put me down because I was state school educated (even though I was getting top grades in physics at an RG uni while he failed many classes on another course).

    There's much more to it than this he even got physically violent on a few occasions. It hurts me so much that I lost my virginity to this man and to be honest my entire life I've never found a guy who likes or appreciates me, even as a friend on a basic level. I've never had a boyfriend either and I don't get asked out. I feel disgusted with myself but I only have myself to blame!!! I'm so pathetic that I would stoop so low in order to try and find 'love'. I wish I would have saved it but I would probably die a virgin as I don't think any man can ever love me. No I'm not just being cynical, there's people dying alone every day. I'm just sad that I probably will never have any fond memories of intimacy or affection in my life and only of being put down and used. I just can't forgive myself.

    So my question is how do I get over this, and over people who don't think I'm good enough (which is all men to be honest)?
    To get over this become your own best friend. This way you'll never get hurt ever again.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by phdparker)
    This is going to sound harsh, but it's the truth: you really need to stop comparing yourself to other people and caring what others think. I know it's easier said than done; you need to try. You /need/ to focus on yourself and have some alone time. Surround yourself with people who actually care about you. Also, forget men/boys. They come and ago. At the end of the day, fond memories of intimacy are not exactly the best; the best memories are those in which you were happy in.
    Yes if only I could stop comparing myself to others, then I might finally get a shot at living the life I want! Measuring myself against others has always been my greatest downfall to be honest. I'm not sure quite how to do this though...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes I know I'm the one to blame as I said I feel bad that I was willing to stoop so low in my desperation to find a bit of affection.

    Well this was like 6 years ago and I've still not found anyone, I've not even been asked out on a date But I hope that it will become a distant memory and that I will find someone else but I'm not going to hold my breath.
    I hope the best of luck to you
    I really hope you find him
    or he finds you

    but don't let guys bring you down, you are your own grown women and you don't need a man to prove this
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon please!

    It's always made me sad, but lately it's really been messing with my mind... When I was 20 many years ago I had never had a boyfriend/sex or even been kissed or hugged by an man and literally every other girl around me had been doing so since the age of about 13/14 . In hindsight I'm glad I did not enter such relations so young but at 20 I felt like a freak and an abomination that no guy had ever wanted me, I felt I was the only girl in the world who was unattractive in the eyes of every male.

    When I confessed my lack of experience to a male friend of mine within a few days much to my surprise he came onto me and I had my ever first kiss. He was quite drunk and afterwards was telling me about about all the girls we knew that he thought had great personalities, and he didn't mention me. Anyway I wrote the whole fiasco off as him being drunk. A few months later he came into my room and kissed me again and said we should have sex otherwise I might 'never' lose my virginity so I stupidly agreed. As terrible as it sounds I felt I should feel grateful that someone actually wanted anything from me. It really hurt and I wanted to stop and he got annoyed and told me to keep going. After it was over we were laying in bed and I was cuddling him and within 15 minutes he said 'I can't sleep, I'm going' and he got up and left.

    When I saw him next he said 'you should thank me, you're a 'real' woman now. Did you bleed after?' and when I said yes he smiled. We continued to have sex and I got feelings. He told me my best friend was prettier than me and that he'd rather have sex with her (and later he did, but that's another story), said my clothes and hair weren't nice enough so I went out to buy some more and dyed my hair but he didn't care, he said my body was gross and skinny and used to order me to put my clothes on after sex (even though he usually didn't stick around afterwards) and put me down because I was state school educated (even though I was getting top grades in physics at an RG uni while he failed many classes on another course).

    There's much more to it than this he even got physically violent on a few occasions. It hurts me so much that I lost my virginity to this man and to be honest my entire life I've never found a guy who likes or appreciates me, even as a friend on a basic level. I've never had a boyfriend either and I don't get asked out. I feel disgusted with myself but I only have myself to blame!!! I'm so pathetic that I would stoop so low in order to try and find 'love'. I wish I would have saved it but I would probably die a virgin as I don't think any man can ever love me. No I'm not just being cynical, there's people dying alone every day. I'm just sad that I probably will never have any fond memories of intimacy or affection in my life and only of being put down and used. I just can't forgive myself.

    So my question is how do I get over this, and over people who don't think I'm good enough (which is all men to be honest)?
    You know what't the worst thing about your situation? It's not the fact that you've been abused by a man who took advantage of you( although that is something really severe and that no one deserves), but the fact that you let him do it because you were fragile, scared and alone and you thought you didn't deserve anyone. THAT's the worst thing, because that's what attracted him. If you had loved yourself, if you had thought you were worthy of true love, you would have beaten the **** out of him, because that's what he deserved. Instead you let him mess with your head and now you think the worst of yourself. YOU DESERVE SO MANY GOOD THINGS, MY DARLING. BUT IF YOU DON'T FORGIVE YOURSELF NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO YOU. It was HIS fault, not yours. Love yourself because you're going to live with yourself for the rest of your life. You need a man's love because you can't love yourself, but when you'll start loving yourself you will realise that you are enough and that you are strong and you will survive everything.
    Make peace with yourself and carry on.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by thefatone)
    To get over this become your own best friend. This way you'll never get hurt ever again.
    That's actually a good idea, although it's going to take some pretty hard work.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's actually a good idea, although it's going to take some pretty hard work.
    yup that's me pretty much, i get a little sad when my current friends i've know for a long time leave me(for various reasons) but other than that i'm fine.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes if only I could stop comparing myself to others, then I might finally get a shot at living the life I want! Measuring myself against others has always been my greatest downfall to be honest. I'm not sure quite how to do this though...
    Look at the positive aspects in your life and your achievements?
    You need to remember that everyone's different; you're not supposed to be as good as someone else or a carbon copy of what someone wants.
    You need to be the person you want to be because you are the most important person in your life.
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    Sadly, there are some manipulative guys out there that prey off low self esteem, the latter of which can be smelt a mile off.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by AuroraU)
    You know what't the worst thing about your situation? It's not the fact that you've been abused by a man who took advantage of you( although that is something really severe and that no one deserves), but the fact that you let him do it because you were fragile, scared and alone and you thought you didn't deserve anyone. THAT's the worst thing, because that's what attracted him. If you had loved yourself, if you had thought you were worthy of true love, you would have beaten the **** out of him, because that's what he deserved. Instead you let him mess with your head and now you think the worst of yourself. YOU DESERVE SO MANY GOOD THINGS, MY DARLING. BUT IF YOU DON'T FORGIVE YOURSELF NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO YOU. It was HIS fault, not yours. Love yourself because you're going to live with yourself for the rest of your life. You need a man's love because you can't love yourself, but when you'll start loving yourself you will realise that you are enough and that you are strong and you will survive everything.
    Make peace with yourself and carry on.
    I think that is very true because for years I've just continued to punish and loathe myself over this and it has got me nowhere. I can't change what happened, I can't change him but I can change myself in terms of forgiving myself to be free of this to move on. Thanks so much for your kind words
    • #3
    #3

    He is terrible, and I am happy that you have realised that.You are not to blame. He was taking advantage of you, exploiting the fact that you lacked experience, which may have led him to assuming that you wanted experience with someone, with your confession.Loneliness has that impact. It can cause desperation and despair if desires are not sated. Especially when you had low self-esteem at the time and when combined with loneliness,pessimism began to overwhelm you. It clouded your rationality to be able to think that those were merely thoughts, that you were still young at the time, with ample amount of time to find someone to share intimate moments with. Ignore the comments that will make you blame yourself even more.

    I cannot see you being the fault of the situation here.He clearly has some issues of his own, to be so abusive - physically violent on a few occasions? A major red flag there.Thank him for what... Having sex to become a 'real woman'? Nonsense. You don't need to have sex to become a real woman, there are people out there who have no desire to engage in a sexual relationship and thereby refrain engaging sexually with others.That doesn't make them less of whatever gender they are. It is merely a life choice.Asking 'Did you bleed after?' and his insults to put you down suggests that he had intention to hurt you all along. Evidently a ****. He wants to check that you've genuinely been toyed by him.

    To be the 'real woman' is to be able to recognise that that he's an idiot, he is abusive and manipulative.Stay away from these poisonous people once you are able to highlight the indicators.The harsh truth is that there will always be comparison, but the person who genuinely loves and cares about you will make you feel assured that you do not need to feel that you are in a competition with anyone else for his/her love. Insecurities are hard to overcome, particularly after you've had a damaging experience to your esteem. In other words, this situation that we have here.
 
 
 
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