The Student Room Group

teacher lost baby

hi there,

just this morning i found out that my ex-teacher who had been expecting a baby boy this august lost her baby yesterday. i dont know the circumstances but i know that i feel awful and so sorry for her. apparently she wasnt in school today (which is understandable).

i really feel like giving her a big hug but i am still on teacher-student terms with her (though a bit closer since we went out to lunch a couple of times) so i'm not exactly sure how to approach her. an email would be too impersonal. doesn anyone have any other idea or suggestions as to what i could do for her. i cant imagine the way she feels right now. she had been 5 months pregnant and now the boy is just gone. 5 months!!!

what could i possibly do to help her?

any suggestion as long as it's sensible would be greatly appreciated!

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Poor her :frown: Horrible thing to go through...

Even so, there's little etiquette directing the situation - I think it's more a case of what you deem to be correct. If you were close mates, it would seem very strange to not do anything, but then again, if it was a regular student/teacher relationship, I'd be wary of doing anything. Hmmm...

Difficult one...
I think you should send her a card saying that you are thinking of her- if you don't know her address you could put it in her pigeon hole at school. I agree an email may be impersonal and it might not be best to speak to her face to face about it so soon after it's happened.
Reply 3
I would send a card, definitely not an email. Just say how sorry you are, you are thinking of her and send her your love.

Sometimes in sad situations like this extra hurt is unintentionally added by friends/aquaintances who not knowing what to say say nothing.
Reply 4
I have heard from a few people in this situation that it annoys them when people don't mention what happened - they feel as if they have to just get on with things and people act like the baby that died wasn't a real person. The worst I've heard is that it's very common for women who miscarry to be told "you can always have another" - you wouldn't say to someone whose spouse has died that you can always have another, would you?

She will be feeling the same as anyone who has lost someone very close to them - grief, anger, disappointment, and she will probably want it acknowledged that she lost someone very important, so I think the best thing to do would be to try and take her to one side at some point (difficult to know when as you don't want to upset her when she has to work) say that you heard about the baby and you're really sorry for her loss. Something as simple as that can be really effective, there's no need to go overboard as you really can't relate to how she's feeling, and I'm sure she will appreciate the simple thought and gesture. You might feel the need to offer support but I don't know if that's appropriate, a simple acknowledgement will probably do. I've also heard that people in this situation feel it's important that others realise that they don't get over these things right away, so maybe you could ask her again in a few weeks time (if you'll actually see her then) how she's doing - this lets her know that you're genuinely concerned and you realise that the healing process takes some time.

It's obvious that you care, so all you need to do is show her this, I'm sure she'll be touched.
I agree I card is probably the best way to go. Somthing like 'Thinking of you' should be suitable.
Yep, card is best i think

GD
Reply 7
I think it would be nice if you organised a whip round with your classmates to buy her a huge bunch of flowers and a card. Definitely don't send an email.
Reply 8
A card and flowers from the group is the best idea.
thanks for the replies. i think a card and flower seem among the most popular here, so i'll try them. now i just have to figure out what to write in the card :-(

but thanks already for all your replies,at least now i have a direction!

Thanks
What Seoid has said makes perfect sense.

And yes send a card and some flowers definitely.
so so sorry to hear about that! cant be nothing worst for her than losing a baby , shes got to be feeling real torn up inside!Far to easy to blame ones self for it!
Reply 12
I would just write something simple on the cardsuch as: Thinking of you at this difficult time. Yours friends at .....
Reply 13
The flowers are a nice idea but don't make a huge fuss with it - she won't want to draw attention to it.
Yeah, agreed; don't get your entire class involved - however much she'd appreciate the thought, I doubt she wants the whole world involved. A card, and maybe flowers (given in a discreet manner) would be ideal.
Reply 15
My best/fave/coolest ever teacher miscarried at 4 months too :frown: She was off school for about 2 weeks so my best mate and I made a card, I think our card was more focussed on "we're really happy you're back", but it was obvious what we were getting at. It was full of anecdotes and pictures and stuff. And she hugged us both and said thanks...
Reply 16
shona
I think it would be nice if you organised a whip round with your classmates to buy her a huge bunch of flowers and a card. Definitely don't send an email.


That's a good idea. But don't go in the wrong over top direction.. which looks like you're actually congratulating her for something..
It's a tricky situation.
Whatever you do, don't make the card TOO.. personal, if you get me.
It would come across creepy.

My old french teacher miscarried at 8 months. She was off school for a good few months..And everyone knew, but no one seemed to do anything about it. The younger years [bloody year 7's] would sit there whispering about it behind her back. And there's nothing worse than knowing that people are talking about your business behind your back. So when you DO approach her, don't seem embarrassed about the fact that you know; when something like that happens, everyone knows..
Reply 17
stepheh
That's a good idea. But don't go in the wrong over top direction.. which looks like you're actually congratulating her for something..
It's a tricky situation.
Whatever you do, don't make the card TOO.. personal, if you get me.
It would come across creepy.

My old french teacher miscarried at 8 months. She was off school for a good few months..And everyone knew, but no one seemed to do anything about it. The younger years [bloody year 7's] would sit there whispering about it behind her back. And there's nothing worse than knowing that people are talking about your business behind your back. So when you DO approach her, don't seem embarrassed about the fact that you know; when something like that happens, everyone knows..


It's not the same situation, but when I was at school, the most amazing teacher in the world contracted breast cancer. One of the boys organised getting her some flowers, and it was one of the few things that really helped cheer her up. (One of the other things was the bottle of whisky someone else bought her when she made a full recovery and came back to school to work!!)

You're never going to find the right words or the right gesture... But teachers are the sort of people who can always see behind that and appreciate the thought. If you do what you think is appropriate in the situation, hey, they'll know you well enough to know that there was a genuine sentiment behind it and it'll make them feel better regardless.
Reply 18
I had the same experience with a teacher at my school - she lost her baby. I just asked around her colleagues I knew were good friends of hers, and asked them to pass on my regards, then when I saw her myself, told her I was deeply sorry. Afraid there's not much more you can do in those situations.
This happened to my teacher whilst I was still as at school (a while ago now) - she was also 5 months pregnant. Like you we couldn't believe it when we were told. We wanted to do something for her and knew she loved chocolate so the whole class (30 of us) each bought a chocolate bar and a giant card that we all signed and gave it to another teacher to take to her. She didn't come back to school for a couple of months but when she did she thanked us all and told us how much she appreciated it - she didn't say anything about the baby but we knew what she meant. It just showed her that we cared.