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Live for the moment or plan for the future?
So here's my dilema...
I have a long-term boyfriend (five years next month, we're both 20) and i'm coming to the end of uni. He dropped out of uni and has been living at home for a year basically waiting around for me to come home and then the plan was to move in together in London and get a career, etc etc.
But as i've come to the last few months of uni i've found myself wanting more out of life. There's so much i want to do that i can't do if i move in with him. I want to only work to fund a next trip, not set up a career yet. I'd like to stay in my uni town with my friends so i can afford a nice place, not move to London. I want to meet new people and see new places and enjoy being young. However when i bring this up with him, he says i'm being selfish and i can't just go galivanting (
) round the world and leave him hanging. He's not a great lover of adventure and won't live anywhere else but london. However...he is the perfect boyfriend. I mean i KNOW he won't cheat on me, i have complete trust in him, he's never treated me bad, he's put me first the whole time we've been together, he'll always be there for me. Even down to little things like he refuses to admit female celebrities are hot in front of me.
So i'm faced with either living for the moment and losing everything i want out of a long term relationship (i did talk to him about this and it blew up in my face, quite rightly he said i can't leave him hanging then expect him to take me back) or staying with him and kind of denying myself my youth and a chance to see other people (i've never been with anyone else and i do think this is an aspect of the problem - i've met a guy at uni who really opened my eyes and wants to go travelling with me etc, although nothings happened between us).
So i guess, i'm looking for advice for one of the biggest decisions i'll make, do i live for the moment and throw away my future or deny my need to do things and see places, and preserve a relationship with a man who i know is good for me? What would you do?? Sorry for the length!! xx
I have a long-term boyfriend (five years next month, we're both 20) and i'm coming to the end of uni. He dropped out of uni and has been living at home for a year basically waiting around for me to come home and then the plan was to move in together in London and get a career, etc etc.
But as i've come to the last few months of uni i've found myself wanting more out of life. There's so much i want to do that i can't do if i move in with him. I want to only work to fund a next trip, not set up a career yet. I'd like to stay in my uni town with my friends so i can afford a nice place, not move to London. I want to meet new people and see new places and enjoy being young. However when i bring this up with him, he says i'm being selfish and i can't just go galivanting (
) round the world and leave him hanging. He's not a great lover of adventure and won't live anywhere else but london. However...he is the perfect boyfriend. I mean i KNOW he won't cheat on me, i have complete trust in him, he's never treated me bad, he's put me first the whole time we've been together, he'll always be there for me. Even down to little things like he refuses to admit female celebrities are hot in front of me.So i'm faced with either living for the moment and losing everything i want out of a long term relationship (i did talk to him about this and it blew up in my face, quite rightly he said i can't leave him hanging then expect him to take me back) or staying with him and kind of denying myself my youth and a chance to see other people (i've never been with anyone else and i do think this is an aspect of the problem - i've met a guy at uni who really opened my eyes and wants to go travelling with me etc, although nothings happened between us).
So i guess, i'm looking for advice for one of the biggest decisions i'll make, do i live for the moment and throw away my future or deny my need to do things and see places, and preserve a relationship with a man who i know is good for me? What would you do?? Sorry for the length!! xx
Do you actually love your boyfriend? It doesn't sound like you do. Either way, I don't think you should throw away your travelling ambitions, or you'll regret it later. It sounds like he's giving you an ultimatum ... ? Couldn't you live in London for a while and save up the money to go travelling, as a compromise? If you really want to stay with your friends then it doesn't sound as if you're that happy with your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is making you sacrifice something that means a great deal to you. Sure I understand he doesn't want you to go because he will miss you, but ultimately if you don't go, you will be unhappy and will regret it for the rest of your life, and if he can't understand that then he is simply not being supportive.
Do your travelling - if he truly loves you he'll wait for you and be understanding.
The fact though that you're talking about being with other people and having other relationships indicates to me that you don't really love him in any case.
Do your travelling - if he truly loves you he'll wait for you and be understanding.
The fact though that you're talking about being with other people and having other relationships indicates to me that you don't really love him in any case.
He might tick all the right boxes as the ideal partner, but if you don't love him, then it's all irrelevant. You don't sound as if you're still in love with him - you like being in a commited relationship, but you wouldn't be fussed if that relationship was with another person.
Yes, he should be understanding of your desires to go travelling. But he probably can sense that he's losing you, and that's why he's being so awkward about it.
You sound just like me, when I was in my last relationship. I was with a lovely bloke who worshipped the ground I walked on, but I'd fallen out of love with him, and the idea of getting a flat together in London just repulsed me. I'd drop everything to live with my current boyfriend. You see the difference?
I might be wrong... But either way, you need to have a good long think about your feelings towards your boyfriend. Sounds to me like they've slipped away and you can't see that.
Good luck whatever you decide.
Yes, he should be understanding of your desires to go travelling. But he probably can sense that he's losing you, and that's why he's being so awkward about it.
You sound just like me, when I was in my last relationship. I was with a lovely bloke who worshipped the ground I walked on, but I'd fallen out of love with him, and the idea of getting a flat together in London just repulsed me. I'd drop everything to live with my current boyfriend. You see the difference?
I might be wrong... But either way, you need to have a good long think about your feelings towards your boyfriend. Sounds to me like they've slipped away and you can't see that.
Good luck whatever you decide.
This is why I say stuff like, who wants a relationship at 19/20/21 and similar things.
Go live life while you're young. A 'perfect' b/f will get boring after a while anyway....he'll become predictable and you'll end up cheating on him or dumping him anyway.
Its a big world out there. Don't restrict yourself
Go live life while you're young. A 'perfect' b/f will get boring after a while anyway....he'll become predictable and you'll end up cheating on him or dumping him anyway.
Its a big world out there. Don't restrict yourself
The kind of things you want to do are the kind of things you can only really do when you're young, so now is the perfect time to do them. It's a difficult situation with your boyfriend, since you've been with him for such a long time and you must both be fairly dependent on each other (although it sounds like he's more dependent on you), but if you settle down with him now and don't do any of the things you want to do, you may come to resent him later in life when you feel like you've missed out. I know it's a cliche, but this is one of those situations when you need to do what your heart tells you, and not your head.
At your age you do not need to be tied down completely yet. You might as well go out and see some of the world, if your boyfriend loves you he will wait for you. There is nothing wrong with exploring a bit.
If I were you I'd go for "live for the moment". To me it sounds like you do not want to hurt your bf- to be honest what ever happens someone is going to get hurt- if you lie to yourself you will regret it or you will hurt your bf by breaking up with him, but what ever happens he does deserve the truth.
Why can he only live in London? Has he already got a job/work lined up there, or does he just like the city? You could very reasonably argue that it's way too expensive for a young couple to set up in the capital and you'd get better value for money elsewhere.
I can understand the desire to go travelling, you definitely want that done before you're tied down to a mortgage and company holidays, but not so much the idea of staying in your uni town. Are you going to want to be living there in 5 years' time? Given that BF's a uni drop-out, he might not want to join you living in an area where your social life's going to be all about your uni friends.
What kind of travelling were you planning to do? Is there any way you could modify it to include BF? (ie, him sunbathing, you skydiving)
It's a difficult situation, good luck resolving it.
I can understand the desire to go travelling, you definitely want that done before you're tied down to a mortgage and company holidays, but not so much the idea of staying in your uni town. Are you going to want to be living there in 5 years' time? Given that BF's a uni drop-out, he might not want to join you living in an area where your social life's going to be all about your uni friends.
What kind of travelling were you planning to do? Is there any way you could modify it to include BF? (ie, him sunbathing, you skydiving)
It's a difficult situation, good luck resolving it.
Well, from what you said, i think you do love your bf a lot, and your traveling adventure thing sounds more like a 'dream' - if u know what i mean. If i were u i would stick to my bf; you might change your mind about your 'dreams' in future as you get older. Who knows?
He always puts you first....
Then he'll wait another couple of years before settling down! Can you convince him to move in with you where you want for a year, then you can go traveling and he can do what he wants? Then settle down. You have just got to explain to your boyfriend that you want to live first and do some things before settling with him.
Then he'll wait another couple of years before settling down! Can you convince him to move in with you where you want for a year, then you can go traveling and he can do what he wants? Then settle down. You have just got to explain to your boyfriend that you want to live first and do some things before settling with him.
I can understand why he is a bit cheesed off - you have made all these plans together and he has obviously been waiting for you to finish uni before he can embark on them. Now you want to go off travelling instead, I don't blame him for not wanting to wait anymore!
I still think you should go though, its a shame to let him down but you are clearly passionate about your travel arrangements and at are at the best age to make the most of it.. you might end up resenting him for keeping you from chasing this dream if you stay.
I still think you should go though, its a shame to let him down but you are clearly passionate about your travel arrangements and at are at the best age to make the most of it.. you might end up resenting him for keeping you from chasing this dream if you stay.
noodle_xx
But as i've come to the last few months of uni i've found myself wanting more out of life. There's so much i want to do that i can't do if i move in with him. I want to only work to fund a next trip, not set up a career yet. I'd like to stay in my uni town with my friends so i can afford a nice place, not move to London. I want to meet new people and see new places and enjoy being young. However when i bring this up with him, he says i'm being selfish and i can't just go galivanting ( ) round the world and leave him hanging. He's not a great lover of adventure and won't live anywhere else but london. However...he is the perfect boyfriend. I mean i KNOW he won't cheat on me, i have complete trust in him, he's never treated me bad, he's put me first the whole time we've been together, he'll always be there for me. Even down to little things like he refuses to admit female celebrities are hot in front of me.
But as i've come to the last few months of uni i've found myself wanting more out of life. There's so much i want to do that i can't do if i move in with him. I want to only work to fund a next trip, not set up a career yet. I'd like to stay in my uni town with my friends so i can afford a nice place, not move to London. I want to meet new people and see new places and enjoy being young. However when i bring this up with him, he says i'm being selfish and i can't just go galivanting (
) round the world and leave him hanging. He's not a great lover of adventure and won't live anywhere else but london. However...he is the perfect boyfriend. I mean i KNOW he won't cheat on me, i have complete trust in him, he's never treated me bad, he's put me first the whole time we've been together, he'll always be there for me. Even down to little things like he refuses to admit female celebrities are hot in front of me.I had the same thing with my ex (4 year relationship 16-20) and I had to end it. He was all well and good, but his lack of drive was frustrating me. It became so annoying. I needed some more compatible in terms of: goals, drive, ambition, intelligence.
I now have that person and I can't believe I stuck in that old relationship just for the sake of comfort/dependency/fear of being alone/for the sake of it cause it was a long-term relationship.
It'll take guts to make a proper assessment. Sometimes those things you're saying are wonderful should be STANDARD in a relationship and the wonderful things should be those things that are more difficult to find in a partner: working as a team, being compatible, having a viable and enjoyable future awaiting you (not boring, not steady, not desk job and family already).
Don't settle for what's comfortable at the moment. I know a lot of what I have said is on the assumption that it's a similar situation to what mine was, so take away what you want and leave the rest
Thanks for the replies everyone, its helped to see other people's perspectives on this, especially since i thought most people would think i was a b*tch for what i was thinking. I guess i really need to take it slow and think about things carefully, i might just go home for the summer so we are no longer long distance and then see if i still feel not quite right or whether being close by again helps things. It doesn't help that we've been fighting over lots of little things recently.
You're situation does sound v similar to mine blissy, especially the lack of drive thing. He's been living at home playing poker for a living instead of a job, but losing more and more money for 12 months, and has just told me he gambled away hundreds in one night betting on sports. And so now he can't afford to come travelling WITH me (which i'm not sure he wanted to do anyway) he says we should wait a couple of years to go full stop
but i'll talk to him about that, i know that whether i stay with him or not i need to get out and see more of the world right now.
Thanks again guys
blissy
I had the same thing with my ex (4 year relationship 16-20) and I had to end it. He was all well and good, but his lack of drive was frustrating me. It became so annoying. I needed some more compatible in terms of: goals, drive, ambition, intelligence.
You're situation does sound v similar to mine blissy, especially the lack of drive thing. He's been living at home playing poker for a living instead of a job, but losing more and more money for 12 months, and has just told me he gambled away hundreds in one night betting on sports. And so now he can't afford to come travelling WITH me (which i'm not sure he wanted to do anyway) he says we should wait a couple of years to go full stop
but i'll talk to him about that, i know that whether i stay with him or not i need to get out and see more of the world right now.Thanks again guys
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