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His first love

My boyfriend is very close friends with his first love, i.e. the girl to whom he lost his virginity. She lost her virginity to him too, so they have some sort of special bond. He spent three years with her - none of his other exes have lasted nearly as long, and she's the only one of them that he still really makes an effort to keep in touch with. So, clearly, no one's ever measured up to the standard she set. What am I competing with, here?

I know he sees her as a friend. And that she sees him as a friend. But I am always going to see her as his ex-girlfriend, and well, sort of a threat, if I'm honest. I don't know why I see her as a threat, but I feel uncomfortable that she's still in his life.

Obviously I can't tell him to break off contact, as that would make me a controlling bitch, so I just can't see this getting any better. I love him with all my heart, but thinking about this girl just makes me thoroughly miserable. I've talked about it with him before, but I still feel this way.

It's so frustrating. He makes me so happy, but at the same time, makes me so sad. It's just hard to bear, coping with such a constant rollercoaster of emotions.

I am so stressed out with exams at the moment and not thinking straight, so... some perspective would be great. I just feel lost. Is there a solution for me?

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You'll just need to talk to him honestly about your feelings without making him feel like you're trying to change something.

He can put your mind at rest if your relationship has any chance of survival :smile:

It sounds very much like how my situation will be in the future, only I'm the boyfriend. I would hope that anybody I decide I want to be with in the future will have the honesty to discuss this kind of problem with me rationally :smile:
Reply 2
Do you know this girl? Do you think it might help if you got to know her abit?

Your biggest problem you have highlighted yourself. No-one yet has measured up to her and so now it's your turn, will you be the one for your boyfriend who lasts longer then her. Try not to let it get to you. Remember he loves you and that your what his intrested in.
Reply 3
I don't know her, no. I've always successfully avoided going to meet her... I find the idea of meeting her creepy. "Why, hello there, I'm the girl who's banging your ex." :rolleyes: I would never try anything on with a friend's ex, so making friends with my boyfriend's ex would be just very very strange for me. Because I wouldn't be in that sort of situation normally. Being friends with a girl who had been with the same guy. If that makes any sense. It's just one of the things that you don't do...

I just can't stop thinking about it all. I've tried speaking to my boyfriend, but in all honesty... I don't think it's done anything. This just seems like such a stupid reason to let our relationship fall apart, but I can't seem to snap myself out of this. He loves me, but I feel so inadequate what with her on the scene.
Reply 4
My friend is in the same situation as you, and this is what I told her:

your boyfriend now loves you, not his ex. If he still loved his ex he would be with her. therefore you've already got something over his ex. Also, although he still keeps in touch with her it doesnt mean he sees her romantically anymore. Guys are not as complicated as girls and he probably isnt comparing you to this other girl, that's just you feeling paranoid. You have NOTHING to worry about because it's you that's with him now.

Try getting to know his ex, maybe that'll put your mind to ease. To be honest, if they're both on good terms they may still have a soft spot for each other but it'll never cross over the 'friendship' ground because they've been there, done that and it didnt work for them. You comaparing and being paranoid may get so fustrating that it might cause the relationship to breakdown. Hopefully it wont. I guess it's just a case of accepting that, yes, he had a past with this other girl but you're his present and that's all that matters. Enjoy what you have
There's a reason they broke up and there's a reason he is with you.

Just remember that, she's not "on the scene" so to speak, or at least if you're all being honest with each other that would seem to be the case.

There is no love without trust, so have some! :smile:
Reply 6
You have to realise, if they are truly frineds now (like i am with my first serious GF) she is less of a threat than almost any other girl.
Reply 7
TheLameMonkey
There is no love without trust, so have some! :smile:


Yep, trust is sooooo important in a relationship. if you love your boyfriend, then trust that he wont compare you to her because he loves you.
Reply 8
TheLameMonkey
There is no love without trust, so have some! :smile:


I do trust him, it's not that... I just feel incredibly awkward. Really uncomfortable. He might not see her as his ex... She might not see him as her ex... But I do. It feels like they have some sort of special bond, and by staying in touch the way they do, it's being rubbed in my face constantly. That they had something special I'll never have with him. I don't know if I'm explaining my feelings properly. I trust him, I just feel awkward that he's still close to his first love.
Reply 9
nmt_oli
You have to realise, if they are truly frineds now (like i am with my first serious GF) she is less of a threat than almost any other girl.


Can you elaborate? I don't understand this. Thanks.
Reply 10
carl3tta
I do trust him, it's not that... I just feel incredibly awkward. Really uncomfortable. He might not see her as his ex... She might not see him as her ex... But I do. It feels like they have some sort of special bond, and by staying in touch the way they do, it's being rubbed in my face constantly. That they had something special I'll never have with him. I don't know if I'm explaining my feelings properly. I trust him, I just feel awkward that he's still close to his first love.


Think of it this way - you can't have to compete and compare yourself with the girl because - you're OBVIOUSLY better than that girl or else why is he still with you? He chose you over that girl, so there's definitely something that sets you apart on higher ground.

Stop feeling the need to compare yourself with her. Once you do that, you'll feel better. And another thing - are you secure that he loves you? First loves don't matter nearly as much as true love, the right love - and so far, you've proving to be his true love. Isn't that a status way above the girl's and what she could ever achieve?

The only way this will get better would be if you're secure that he loves you, and you stop comparing yourself with her and competing when there's no competition at all. You'll only end up destroying what you have with this guy if you carry on this way.
Reply 11
irisng
First loves don't matter nearly as much as true love, the right love - and so far, you've proving to be his true love. Isn't that a status way above the girl's and what she could ever achieve?


Thank you. I don't know if that's true or not, but thank you. It makes me feel a bit better.
I honestly don't know if this helps, but just thought it might give you another perspective...

Like your boyfriend, I'm still close friends with my first love, who I was with for three and a half years - the longest relationship either of us have ever had. We live quite far apart at the moment, but keep in contact by e-mail and will meet up when we're near one another. We both have new partners now (I've been with mine for two years), but have maintained our friendship.

Yes, the feelings I have towards him are different to those I have towards any other ex; but as odd as it sounds, it's almost like he's a brother. I was 16 when we met so we did a lot of our growing up together, and in that sense, he really does feel practically like family. We've both moved away since then, my parents have divorced; life is big and messy and grown up and different, and he represents a really innocent and happy part of my life. I love seeing him and hearing how his life has developed and all the different things he's doing now; but I also love seeing him because it makes me realise how much I've changed and grown in that time too. I care about my ex and what happens to him, but I can't even quite believe we were ever together - we're just so different now. I always enjoy meeting up with him, but it always serves to remind me why my current boyfriend is so much better matched to me as a partner - physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. I value my friendship with my ex because he represents a part of my past and a big part of my growing up; but when I do see him it always affirms to me that the person I'm with now is so much more suited to the current me.

I don't know if that'll help you at all; but maybe it'll put your mind at ease to think that if your boyfriend and his ex are anything like me, they'll probably experience similar feelings. First loves are like photographs and teddy bears and all the memories from the past - they don't mean what they used to, but they're part of the fabric of your life. But there's nothing better than coming home to the person you're with now and knowing that all those things that happened in your past somehow led you to them.
Do you know what she looks like or anything at all?


In a shallow way, it might help if you discover she's ugly...
Reply 14
bewithoutyou
I honestly don't know if this helps, but just thought it might give you another perspective...

Like your boyfriend, I'm still close friends with my first love, who I was with for three and a half years - the longest relationship either of us have ever had. We live quite far apart at the moment, but keep in contact by e-mail and will meet up when we're near one another. We both have new partners now (I've been with mine for two years), but have maintained our friendship.

Yes, the feelings I have towards him are different to those I have towards any other ex; but as odd as it sounds, it's almost like he's a brother. I was 16 when we met so we did a lot of our growing up together, and in that sense, he really does feel practically like family. We've both moved away since then, my parents have divorced; life is big and messy and grown up and different, and he represents a really innocent and happy part of my life. I love seeing him and hearing how his life has developed and all the different things he's doing now; but I also love seeing him because it makes me realise how much I've changed and grown in that time too. I care about my ex and what happens to him, but I can't even quite believe we were ever together - we're just so different now. I always enjoy meeting up with him, but it always serves to remind me why my current boyfriend is so much better matched to me as a partner - physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. I value my friendship with my ex because he represents a part of my past and a big part of my growing up; but when I do see him it always affirms to me that the person I'm with now is so much more suited to the current me.

I don't know if that'll help you at all; but maybe it'll put your mind at ease to think that if your boyfriend and his ex are anything like me, they'll probably experience similar feelings. First loves are like photographs and teddy bears and all the memories from the past - they don't mean what they used to, but they're part of the fabric of your life. But there's nothing better than coming home to the person you're with now and knowing that all those things that happened in your past somehow led you to them.


That was exactly what I needed to hear. You're so right. I'm crying now, because I've realised just how right you are. I'm a fool, aren't I? Thank you so much. You don't know how much that's helped me.
carl3tta
That was exactly what I needed to hear. You're so right. I'm crying now, because I've realised just how right you are. I'm a fool, aren't I? Thank you so much. You don't know how much that's helped me.


*hugs* I'm so glad I could help. I can imagine how you must have been feeling about it because I'd be exactly the same in your shoes; but it's one of those things that's really difficult to understand unless you've experienced it, so I hope I've managed to give you a bit of an insight. Hope things go from strength to strength with you and your boy :smile: xxx
Reply 16
carl3tta
That they had something special I'll never have with him.


you don't even know that..and as everyone else said, he's with YOU :smile:
Reply 17
Timeslikethese
Do you know what she looks like or anything at all?


In a shallow way, it might help if you discover she's ugly...



yup, meeting my bf's ex...cheered meright up. I used to get a bit jealous but I faked being happy about meeting her and being nice to her, I get on ok with her but I can see why they didn't match. whereas me and him fit like a jigsaw or something that fits. It could really put your mind at rest. even if she looks nice, she might be a total bitch. I'm quite friendly witha few of my not-so-serious ex's and my boyf doesn't like any of them. But I like seeing them because, well it's like looking at photo's of yourself when you're 12 or something and you think back about how immature and paranoid and hopeful you were, how hard you tried to be all these things and how none of that matters any more. Virginity is a big thing, so obviously they'll always have a little thing between, but that doesn't mean it's a good thing or even relavent. Think about the guy you 'losy it' to. Won't he always be a bit special to you even if you aren't together? not because he is special, but becaus ehe represents moving on and your transition to adulthood. It's reall nothing more than a marker or a ceremony or any other right of passage. You'll look back at moving out and moving schools etc kinda fondly as moving on.. doesn't mean you still want to be there! Don't let it consume you.
carl3tta
That was exactly what I needed to hear. You're so right. I'm crying now, because I've realised just how right you are. I'm a fool, aren't I? Thank you so much. You don't know how much that's helped me.


My first love was from a relationship not nearly as long as that, but now I also look back on him as a fun time, and a little like a brother. Sweet, a bit of a twit, but no feelings like that any more.

And you haven't been a fool, I used to have the same concerns about the same ex, he was best friends with his ex girlfriend of a year and a half. They lived in the same village and worked at the same restaurent, and had known each other since they were five. It's not a foolish worry, but one that needed to be put to rest.
Reply 19
personally i think you should be very careful. i think anyone would find it hard to be just friends with someone they'd been that close to- either you'd stay well clear cos it hurts or you'd get back together. and you dont know her motives.
i think maybe he hasnt fully resolved his feelings for her or something. how long ago did they break up? if recent, you are competing with an awful lot. sorry.
but then again i think virginity is special and i live in ideal world wher e you fall in luuuurve with the first person you DO IT with and marry them and are happily ever after.