Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

23, married and regretting it (sometimes) Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Id really appreciate the views and opinions of my current situation as i am really struggling to make much sense of it all.

    A little back ground information - Im 23 and married my partner when i was 20 (I'm not from the UK and in order to stay together we decided marriage was the best option, especially because it was clear at that time that thats where our relationship was heading)
    I have left my home country, my friends and my family (albeit i had a pretty hostile relationship with my mother and my father died when i was eight so just my siblings and my grandparents) to be over here with (lets call him Craig) Craig. I am studying which is great because a lot of my time can be filled in doing that and i also just secured a really good job.

    Last year Craig and i had to spend a lot of time apart until we got our visa (9 months) and i have only been back in the country since December. We had a really difficult time during those nine months and our relationships went down hill so much that we both slept with other people. We made a commitment to each other and have both promised not to hurt each other again, long distance relationships are crap and now we are back in the same country we knew things would be different.

    However the other week Craig called an escort service. I saw a text on his phone saying '60 minute massage with happy ending' etc etc and asked him about it and he was really honest and said that he had called them and realised it was a mistake and didn't do anything.

    I believe him that he didn't do anything but am really struggling to imagine how i could ever be with him and trust him after that. He has gone out this weekend (friday and saturday night) and i have reacted really poorly and have gone to stay with a friend (we live with his parents at the moment) and just left him to it. I don't want to be naggy and horrible and tell him he can't go out because i don't want to be left alone with his parents (plus i don't really have a lot of friends over here because i haven't really lived here long enough to make any real friendships) i would like to encourage him to go out with his friends but it is eating me up inside !!!!!! my mind is saying ' why doesn't he want to be with me?' etc etc
    I'm trying to write an assignment and i can't even think straight !!!!

    sorry if none of this is very clear .... iv just tried to get it out as best as i can ..... any advice would be greatly appreciated
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    If you've only been married 3 years and the relationship has degraded to this point, I don't think there's much point sticking it out and getting hurt even more.

    IMO, leave.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Id really appreciate the views and opinions of my current situation as i am really struggling to make much sense of it all.

    A little back ground information - Im 23 and married my partner when i was 20 (I'm not from the UK and in order to stay together we decided marriage was the best option, especially because it was clear at that time that thats where our relationship was heading)
    I have left my home country, my friends and my family (albeit i had a pretty hostile relationship with my mother and my father died when i was eight so just my siblings and my grandparents) to be over here with (lets call him Craig) Craig. I am studying which is great because a lot of my time can be filled in doing that and i also just secured a really good job.

    Last year Craig and i had to spend a lot of time apart until we got our visa (9 months) and i have only been back in the country since December. We had a really difficult time during those nine months and our relationships went down hill so much that we both slept with other people. We made a commitment to each other and have both promised not to hurt each other again, long distance relationships are crap and now we are back in the same country we knew things would be different.

    However the other week Craig called an escort service. I saw a text on his phone saying '60 minute massage with happy ending' etc etc and asked him about it and he was really honest and said that he had called them and realised it was a mistake and didn't do anything.

    I believe him that he didn't do anything but am really struggling to imagine how i could ever be with him and trust him after that. He has gone out this weekend (friday and saturday night) and i have reacted really poorly and have gone to stay with a friend (we live with his parents at the moment) and just left him to it. I don't want to be naggy and horrible and tell him he can't go out because i don't want to be left alone with his parents (plus i don't really have a lot of friends over here because i haven't really lived here long enough to make any real friendships) i would like to encourage him to go out with his friends but it is eating me up inside !!!!!! my mind is saying ' why doesn't he want to be with me?' etc etc
    I'm trying to write an assignment and i can't even think straight !!!!

    sorry if none of this is very clear .... iv just tried to get it out as best as i can ..... any advice would be greatly appreciated
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Id really appreciate the views and opinions of my current situation as i am really struggling to make much sense of it all.

    A little back ground information - Im 23 and married my partner when i was 20 (I'm not from the UK and in order to stay together we decided marriage was the best option, especially because it was clear at that time that thats where our relationship was heading)
    I have left my home country, my friends and my family (albeit i had a pretty hostile relationship with my mother and my father died when i was eight so just my siblings and my grandparents) to be over here with (lets call him Craig) Craig. I am studying which is great because a lot of my time can be filled in doing that and i also just secured a really good job.

    Last year Craig and i had to spend a lot of time apart until we got our visa (9 months) and i have only been back in the country since December. We had a really difficult time during those nine months and our relationships went down hill so much that we both slept with other people. We made a commitment to each other and have both promised not to hurt each other again, long distance relationships are crap and now we are back in the same country we knew things would be different.

    However the other week Craig called an escort service. I saw a text on his phone saying '60 minute massage with happy ending' etc etc and asked him about it and he was really honest and said that he had called them and realised it was a mistake and didn't do anything.

    I believe him that he didn't do anything but am really struggling to imagine how i could ever be with him and trust him after that. He has gone out this weekend (friday and saturday night) and i have reacted really poorly and have gone to stay with a friend (we live with his parents at the moment) and just left him to it. I don't want to be naggy and horrible and tell him he can't go out because i don't want to be left alone with his parents (plus i don't really have a lot of friends over here because i haven't really lived here long enough to make any real friendships) i would like to encourage him to go out with his friends but it is eating me up inside !!!!!! my mind is saying ' why doesn't he want to be with me?' etc etc
    I'm trying to write an assignment and i can't even think straight !!!!

    sorry if none of this is very clear .... iv just tried to get it out as best as i can ..... any advice would be greatly appreciated
    Do you love him?
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    You need to talk. You need to both be 100% committed to this marriage to turn it around. Go to marriage counseling together to talk through your issues. You can do it, but honesty will be the most important thing here.

    It would help if your marriage had a clear purpose or project. (Instinctively, people know this, so some troubled couples have a child to "fix" the marriage - DO NOT DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. It is a gross misunderstanding of commitment.)

    If it turns out that he is not 100% committed (90% is not enough), then you will have to get a divorce. It doesn't have to go through a lawyer; you can do it yourself with minimal fuss: eg http://www.divorce-online.co.uk/ (find reviews to make sure it is safe, but you get the idea).
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    If my girlfriend had ever cheated on me I would never have spoken to her again.

    You two both sound like fairly weak willed and foolish people. You can get divorced but you are probably perfect for each other, and no one you find afterward will be any better, because the problem is in your soul and relative lack of spirit, not anything in the relationship.

    People spend years apart and don't succumb to others. They marry someone they truly love and don't stray. It isn't difficult at all.

    The fact that you did shows that you're not worth being a wife. And the fact that he didn't dump you immediately shows that he's not worth being a Husband.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    Shh 41b, that wasn't necessary.

    OP, you can talk about this to strangers on the internet until you are blue in the face. The person you need to talk to is your husband. The only way you will get through this is together.

    Source: married at 25, separated at 28
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    Honestly you are going to get some people on here saying you should just leave etc. and that will put fresh doubts in your head. TSR isnt really a site where people can give advice on marriage problems. i would suggest going to couples therapy or having some relationship therapy to sort your problems, you've both obviously been through a lot so shouldn't you try to make to work considering all youve been through
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I agree with mkap. This sounds like there are some pretty serious issues in your relationship- you probably need more sound advice from somewhere like Relate.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    wow ... thank you all so much for you advice, its more clear to me now that i should just have an open honest conversation with him and go from there.

    Thank you everyone, you are all such kind and genuine human beings
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 28, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Brussels sprouts
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.