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Jealous of long-term partner's ex-girlfriend watch

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    I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year, but we were best friends and had chemistry for four years, we were just held back by the fact that both of us were in different relationships.

    Unfortunately in the last year of his relationship with his ex, when they were living together, I saw a lot of them living together. He complained a lot about her, about how much they argued, about how he had never actually wanted to move in with her etc... But I also saw him being affectionate, giving her heartfelt gifts (e.g. a fuji film camera which I saw today in a shop, which forced me to remember her) and a CD which he had burnt himself.

    They were completely incompatible in the sense she was very girly, extroverted, bossy and he is very laid back, introverted etc. They also lacked the same sense of humour and were not on each others wave lengths.

    I have already discussed with him how I feel vulnerable thinking about her, and he assured me that with her he never saw it as a serious thing; he didn't want to move in with her initially, he only really got with her as she liked him and he thought he might as well try, that he found it difficult to pull out of the relationship. She also put on a fake RP English accent (she was from Austria) and this bugged him.

    I feel like it was okay to bring up my feeling of vulnerability before, but a year and a half after they broke up, I am starting to worry that this is a residual feeling that will never go away. It isn't like I think about it constantly, but there are triggers...

    Seeing that camera reminded me that he maybe loved someone else, slept with someone else on a regular basis and that he has spent a lot of time with her. I feel like this wouldn't be an issue to me had I not been forced to meet her, talk to her, but having met her so often and being aware of the details makes me feel really uncomfortable. It doesn't help that she told him behind my back that she thought I was weird when they were together and I was "just the best buddy". I just don't feel the same way about the two girlfriends he had before.

    I know it is unrealistic to expect a partner to be without emotional baggage in his late 20s. I am in my mid-20s and I have had one 5 year relationship and one 1 year relationship. But in my mind, not having to feel these insecurities would be a blessing.

    We have lived together since July and are otherwise really happy. We are comfortable together, are compatible both in bed and in conversation and we support each other. I just wish I could get over his past. I don't see that girl as a threat but find it really difficult to accept that they were together and that he felt something for her.
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    This sounds very unhealthy tbh on your part, it's something you'll need to work on or it'll be the downfall of your relationship, it's inevitable
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    An interesting situation.

    I get the feeling you feel inferior to her. Was she prettier etc?

    Ask him if he loves you more than her.

    This would solve it.
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    Easy to be jealous in life. He's with you. Just be yourself and it either will it won't all work out okay. Comparing relationships, being jealous and being stressed will neither help the outcome nor how much you'll enjoy the journey.
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    (Original post by stefano865)
    An interesting situation.

    I get the feeling you feel inferior to her. Was she prettier etc?

    Ask him if he loves you more than her.

    This would solve it.

    I don't feel she was prettier or smarter or whatever.

    He has made me feel very secure. Issue is more in the fact I know many details about their time together...
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    (Original post by Tom78)
    This sounds very unhealthy tbh on your part, it's something you'll need to work on or it'll be the downfall of your relationship, it's inevitable
    According to google it is very normal for women to feel this way, especially if they know lots of details about their partner's ex.

    Just wanted advice about how to get over this. Not to be told that my emotional behaviour is unhealthy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't feel she was prettier or smarter or whatever.

    He has made me feel very secure. Issue is more in the fact I know many details about their time together...

    I just think you need to know from him that he enjoys his time with you more.

    If you felt completely secure you wouldn't be jealous.

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    I felt similar to this when I was with my ex. In the getting to know stages before we were going out we shared our past experiences with each other as we had both been cheated on before. We told each other what our ex's were like and it was a bonding experience at the time. When we began dating I found it very difficult to forget the things he told me about their relationship and their sex life. It felt like it was starting to consume me a bit and it was really unhealthy for me to think that way.

    You really need to snap the **** out of it. She's in the past and you're in the present, ENJOY your time with him right here and now, not living in a past that isn't even yours. You will end up wasting these precious days, months, years, etc., thinking about someone and something that does not matter. Practice self control and read up a bit on how to live in the now/"be present". It may help.
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    Hey, I often find myself feeling the same way about my boyfriend's past relationship (he also has had more than 1, but only 1 bothers me for reasons I won't get into).
    We have also been going out almost a year now, and although I still think about his past relationship sometimes, we havent talked about it in months. This is because ultimately, I know it is all down to my own insecurity issues. I do think about it and worry about it more than I let on, but I don't let it show because I know that my feelings are completely irrational, and it would be pointless bringing it up because all he could say are things that I already know. Usually if something triggers me thinking about it, I can move on pretty quickly from thinking about it because I just tell myself that I am being irrational.
    I think as time goes on, you do just start to think about it less. Also if your boyfriend knows you are insecure about these things he will probably take that into account and try to be sensitive about it. Really, I only ever think about it now if I'm just feeling a bit down in general or very tired (tiredness makes me irrational aha).
    If it is something specific that you are insecure about, I would talk to your boyfriend. For example, my main issue was that I knew of something my boyfriend had done in the past that made me worry about our relationship, but once he explained his reasoning and reassured me I felt a lot better about it. However, if it's not something specific I just wouldn't bring it up, unless it is really, really bothering you, just because not being able to keep irrational emotions in check is not a good thing.

    Ultimately, the past is the past. It is our past which shapes how we are today. For your boyfriend, having had a girlfriend he didn't love as much as you may be a good thing as it really shows him how important you are. If your boyfriend hadn't been in that relationship, he would be different today, and yeh he might be only a bit different but you love this him. I know I would rather my boyfriend hadn't had this past relationship, but I just tell myself that he wouldn't be the person he is today without it. And I love the person he is today and wouldn't change him for the world.
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    (Original post by LiquidGold)
    Hey, I often find myself feeling the same way about my boyfriend's past relationship (he also has had more than 1, but only 1 bothers me for reasons I won't get into).
    We have also been going out almost a year now, and although I still think about his past relationship sometimes, we havent talked about it in months. This is because ultimately, I know it is all down to my own insecurity issues. I do think about it and worry about it more than I let on, but I don't let it show because I know that my feelings are completely irrational, and it would be pointless bringing it up because all he could say are things that I already know. Usually if something triggers me thinking about it, I can move on pretty quickly from thinking about it because I just tell myself that I am being irrational.
    I think as time goes on, you do just start to think about it less. Also if your boyfriend knows you are insecure about these things he will probably take that into account and try to be sensitive about it. Really, I only ever think about it now if I'm just feeling a bit down in general or very tired (tiredness makes me irrational aha).
    If it is something specific that you are insecure about, I would talk to your boyfriend. For example, my main issue was that I knew of something my boyfriend had done in the past that made me worry about our relationship, but once he explained his reasoning and reassured me I felt a lot better about it. However, if it's not something specific I just wouldn't bring it up, unless it is really, really bothering you, just because not being able to keep irrational emotions in check is not a good thing.

    Ultimately, the past is the past. It is our past which shapes how we are today. For your boyfriend, having had a girlfriend he didn't love as much as you may be a good thing as it really shows him how important you are. If your boyfriend hadn't been in that relationship, he would be different today, and yeh he might be only a bit different but you love this him. I know I would rather my boyfriend hadn't had this past relationship, but I just tell myself that he wouldn't be the person he is today without it. And I love the person he is today and wouldn't change him for the world.

    For me it's also quite complicated.

    Back in October 2014 I was seeing one of his friends who I met at his party and he was having many problems with his ex. This obviously shook him and led him to hinting that he liked me. He said "you know, if circumstances were different, I think we'd make a good couple, strange thought". This led me to admitting that I had also liked him in first year. We met a couple of times in a pub to discuss this and admit how we really felt. I hinted at the fact I wouldn't just go with him if he broke up with his ex. He was with what is now his ex-girlfriend at the time.

    I slept with this guy friend of his and it sort of ended in tears. I went to my friend's house for his girlfriend's birthday in December, they seemed quite cuddly and I assumed he had decided he wanted to stay with her. During the Christmas holidays I stayed with my brother in the states and made myself completely forget about my mine and my best friend's confessions. I was annoyed with him for acting like everything was okay with his girlfriend when really he wanted to break up and had confessed to having liked me since first year. We were less close for a while as I kept a distance, with intention.

    By February they had broken up anyhow because of the existing problems and I was seeing another guy. They had to live together until June though as it was the final year of uni for both of them, though she slept in the spare room.

    He is a really nice guy, but I do worry about the fact he never told his gf any of this. She was very controlling and spied on his facebook etc too.
 
 
 
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