The Student Room Group

Recipe to make a "chav"

Here's something I got sent.

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Recipe for making a "Chav":

Step1:
Take any unsuspecting child

Step2:
Add baseball cap at 90 degrees.

Step3:
Add addiction to 'name' Brands, such as "nike" and a sad dependance on excessive amounts of gold "decoration"(looks worse than the christmas tree after the cat destroyed it)

YOU ARE NOW HALF WAY

Step4:
Having addled their brains with these henious addictions, you need only to tuck their trousers (pref. Adidas)Into their reebok socks. And you have completed the destruction of their poor minds.

Step5:
Now you need only convince them that they are the "hardest" "person" in the world (from which they are now disowned) And you have a ready made chav.

Your miniature chav will now grow in the ways of the "Holy Herb", quickly lose their virginity and, worst of all, WALK THE DAMN STREETS!

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Reply 1
Your recipe needs some tweaking.The baseball cap must be tight in order to numb the brain and add a little bit of Burberry as a garnish.
Reply 2
hattori
add a little bit of Burberry as a garnish.


Only a little? It's the key ingredient, use plenty of it.
Reply 3
You have forget they must where Rockports and blue shirts to get into clubs. It also helps if they own a B REG Vuaxhall Nova SRI with 120bhp, alloys, Kenwood 100 watt RMS stereo system and no MOT.
Reply 4
amazingtrade
You have forget they must where Rockports and blue shirts to get into clubs. It also helps if they own a B REG Vuaxhall Nova SRI with 120bhp, alloys, Kenwood 100 watt RMS stereo system and no MOT.


or an XR3 with a second hand induction kit, plastic spoiler and MAX POWER sticker on the windows
Reply 5
Cossack
or an XR3 with a second hand induction kit, plastic spoiler and MAX POWER sticker on the windows


Don't forget the kit to simulate a dump valve, not to mention flamer kits.
Reply 6
G4ry
Don't forget the kit to simulate a dump valve, not to mention flamer kits.

Gotta have the neon lights too.
shouldn't that be "ardest" person in the world?
Reply 8
You'll need plenty of Bucky aswell, or maybe that's a local thing, in which case substitute with the cheapest fortified crude-oil-like "wine" you can find.
Reply 9
calumc
You'll need plenty of Bucky aswell, or maybe that's a local thing, in which case substitute with the cheapest fortified crude-oil-like "wine" you can find.

white lightning?

or one of those other 'alcohols' that are sold 15 litres for £1
Reply 10
kikzen
white lightning?

or one of those other 'alcohols' that are sold 15 litres for £1


Oh yes, that aswell. Around here they seem to prefer buckfast.
Reply 11
One should not overlook gold.

A big gold chain, or a soveriegn ring (ideally purchased from Elizabeth Duke) will make him think he looks like the welfiest and 'ardest fookin yoof in town
Reply 12
calumc
Oh yes, that aswell. Around here they seem to prefer buckfast.


Definitely buckfast for neds.

Oh and around here it's a case of one label to rule them all, one label to find them, one label to bring them all and in the darkness.......okkkkkk enough of what they get up to down dark alleyways....anyway you can instantly clock a ned/chav by the fact they will be wearing Bench clothing. To the extent one of our assistant heads often refers to Bench gear as the school uniform.
Reply 13
You forgot the fact that they need to be conditioned to always sit at the back of the top tier of double-decker buses. This works best after 9pm, the time when their parents should start worrying about whether their kids are, but instead don't give a $hit.

Give them a BMX bike or a crappy but annoying loud scooter as well.
Reply 14
The back seat of a double decker bus is indeed a popular habitat for these bizarre creatures.
Clothes for the more discerning kev:

- A Berghaus/Nautica jacket; they really are proliferate from what I have seen - the only other people who wear them are weathermen.

- Stone Island: Formal wear for kevs, or at least it is around here.

-Moschino newspaper print jeans/skirt; these things totally annoy me! Although it seems to have gone slightly out of fashion amongst the street hoodlum fraternity this year.

- A Von Dutch cap; almost as sought after as an opiate fix.

- Armani Jeans; for chavettes, an overly tight-fighting pair adorned with a massive Emporio Armani metal emblem on the back pocket.

- Evisu Jeans ; they really can't get enough of these - the bigger the flurescent logo is on the back pocket (and even down the trouser legs) - the better.

Slightly off point, but I have never seen a normal person wearing 'Carbrini'.
Reply 16
chidori
You forgot the fact that they need to be conditioned to always sit at the back of the top tier of double-decker buses. This works best after 9pm, the time when their parents should start worrying about whether their kids are, but instead don't give a $hit.

Give them a BMX bike or a crappy but annoying loud scooter as well.

scooter? do you not mean hair-dryer-on-wheels ?
Reply 17
glance
The back seat of a double decker bus is indeed a popular habitat for these bizarre creatures.

thats where i sit :mad: :eek:
Reply 18
Do the clothes make the chav or does the mentality of the chav bring the clothes towards it? I mean, you have to analyse their mental state as well. They are governed by many rules it seems:

1) Old ladies are put on the street to be mugged.

2) A sentance doesn't need a capital letter or full stop, but must include at least three expletives.

3) After 9pm you must be out of the steets drinking the cheapest booze you can find.

4) Bus shelters and telephone boxes are put in place as a challenge with the evil bus and telephone companies. Can we break the windows as fast as they keep replacing them?

5) It's cool to be pregnant. It is your duty to reproduce as fast as you can so an army of chavs can be produced to take over the council estates of Britain.

6) TWOCing is the ultimate in respect (take "Bad Boy TWOCers for life", the group that went to my school and were responsible for a whopping 500 car thefts a month in my local area. When they got put away, the number of car thefts dropped to 35.)

7) You're a wonderful guy/gal/it, so everybody should be happy to hear the statement "Can I lend 10p?" and understand that you mean borrow, not lend. Why you want 10p is not their business. If they don't, then they're being entirely unreasonable and need to be mugged.

8) If it can be smoked/snorted/sniffed/inhaled/eaten/injected, then it should be. After all, drug dealers have your best interests at heart.

9) The shinier the clothes, the better. After all, man is descended from magpies.

10) School is optional. After all, you're a nocturnal creature and only surface in the dark hours.

Be on the look out for such creatures. They hunt in packs. Fortunately, they move very slowly and can't see very far, so you can turn back/walk over to the other side of the pavement/go a different route before they get anywhere near you. Beware though. At the speed at which chavs multiply at compared to the relative speed at which normal people do, in the next 40 years the chavs will overun normal people. Then we really are in trouble.
Reply 19
They all stink of this particular aftershave as well. Dunno what it's called though.