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    I fell asleep after the first line. sorry
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    (Original post by sip94)
    Hi.
    My problem dates back over two years so there is a lot of explaining to do. It is also kind of a get-this-of-my-chest type post so it does ramble a bit.
    I live with my parents.
    I am doing a law and business conjoint degree majoring in economic. I failed two second year law papers. I told my parents and they were okay with it, partly because they understood the enormous pressure they were putting on me and the fact that law is itself very hard.I also went to counselling, via a doctor's recommendation, because I thought I was depressed although it was situational depression. I also made rash promises about getting better grades. The following year, I concentrated on the business degree.That year was far worse than the last year; I had no friends, hated university,barely passed, barely attended lectures. I could not shake the feeling that I was a failure and that nothing mattered.I spent that year procrastinating so that I did not have to face the fact that I was failing and trying to bury all my feelings. I failed one paper and got an incomplete on another. I took more papers than recommended in B semester and I had the prerequisite for one of the papers waived so that I could take it. It was very difficult. Another paper was on-line so I ignored it, especially when I was having so much trouble with the non on-line papers. I was still being lazy, procrastinating and not wanting to be at university which lead me to fail the on-line paper, and one other paper. I did pass the really difficult paper, although just barely.All of last year's papers had barely pass grades so I have destroyed my grade point average completely. I have not told my parents that I have failed another two papers.
    I just finished summer school and got an A in that paper. This paper also allows students to see the grade distribution of the class and I was the only one to get an A and A was the highest grade. It was also a third year paper.So I was feeling like I was getting back on track with my degree. I am also repeating the law papers that I failed. I told my father this and then he asked to see my grade. There are two ways of seeing your grades. One is the academic transcript which show all your grades and the other is going to each individual paper's page. I went to the individual papers page and my dad did not believe that the grade shown there was my grade. Honestly I have no idea why he thought that but it could be because my name is not on the page, only my user name. He was quite angry about not being able to "see" my grade. I can't show him the on-line academic transcript because of the papers I failed that I haven't told him about. Now I feel guilty about not telling my parents, mostly my mother, that I failed another two papers. I already promised them I wouldn't but I did. Do I tell them I failed two papers? It's obvious now that I covered it up. But on the other hand I think that if I tell them it will the final straw and my parents will kick me out.I have no where else to go, like I said I have no friends. I finally got over failing the second year law papers and now I feel like I am back in the same place, feeling guilty about my grades. I know it is my fault, I should have passed those papers but I can retake them. I can fix this mistake. I just don't want to confront my parents about it now. I also resent the weight that my parents place on grades. I know that they love me and all but I still feel like I have to get good grades to live at home and be worthy. I don't know what to do. Do I tell them about the two other failed papers? Honestly I don't want to ever tell them and it doesn't affect when I graduate so only the academic transcript will show or even hint that I failed two other papers. I just need to avoid talking about my grades with my Asian parents, who only want to talk about and see my grades...right????
    Can you edit this and put some paragraphs in; too hard to read
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    Just retake the papers if you don't pass then you have to tell them as i don't know if you can progress to 3rd year without passing it?
    I knew one girl who did a llb law degree and failed land law 3 times they never kicked her off but she got a BA law degree instead as she never passed all her modules! Now 3 years later she is doing a LPC course at London Met.
    She had nice parents i would be devastated if i just got a BA law degree as my parents would have been on my back for years.
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    Maybe go to an easier uni if you try again?
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    (Original post by sip94)
    Yeah, it is more like a word vomit.Even I am surprised at how long it was. Just wanted to get it off my chest. Already feel better. In the end it is just whether or not to tell my parents I failed two more papers. I will tell them, although perhaps not now.
    The first thing to say is that procrastinating is not the same as being lazy. From what you wrote originally, it sounds to me as if you were procrastinating more than anything else, and that this is the root of your problem. The issue then is, why are you procrastinating? My first guess would be that it's because you are desperately afraid of failure - it sounds to me like you are under a lot of pressure from your parents, however benevolently it may be expressed, as well as from your own expectations of what you should be achieving. You have shown that you can do really well with difficult things - but without doing the groundwork, no-one succeeds. So, by not doing the work/missing lectures etc you are giving yourself a cast-iron excuse for failing - ie, it's not because you don't have the ability (clearly you do).

    I suggest you go back to the counselling/support service that you attended before, and also have a conversation with your pastoral tutor if you have one. Once you have a realistic plan of action to deal with the procrastination isssue, perhaps you'll be more comfortable about telling your parents what's been happening and why. That said, it would be even better if you could tell them now, and allow them to support you in developing your action plan, though I can see you are really nervous about how they'll react.

    The one thing that it would be extremely unhelpful for you to do is 'nothing' - this is not going to get any better unless you get help and support with turning it around. You clearly do have the ability; the issue is that you need to develop your self-belief while not expecting too much of yourself!
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    (Original post by sip94)
    Thank you so much for your reply. Honestly, I think that I will print it out and keep it close by for a while.It is just what I needed; the right amount of support, putting into words how I feel but am too afraid to really think about and helpful advice that I hadn't thought of. I have mixed feelings about counselling and I have never really considered it to be a solution to my current problems. I know that I am stuck and that I can't guide myself out but on the other hand, I am not depressed and have no "real" issues. You are right that I do have a overwhelming fear of failure and that I can't match my own or my parents' expectations. Is that enough of an issue to go to counselling?
    Definitely. Good quality counselling can help you understand where that fear comes from - this understanding will help you get past the fear so that you can 'be all you can be'- but at the same time also be more forgiving of yourself when things don't work out (as happens to all of us).

    Promise yourself that you will take that first step towards getting the help you need - preferably today, but if not then by the end of the week. If the prospect of taking that step scares you, remember how you are feeling now and reassure/remind yourself that taking this first step is about making sure you don't feel this bad again.
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    (Original post by sip94)
    As much as I want to stick my head in the sand and ignore all my procrastination problems, I will make an appointment with a counsellor within this week. I am not sure I want to go back to the same person as I feel I did not gain a deeper understanding of the problem or any real ways to cope with anything. So I will look for a new one. Thanks once again. I think I will try the counselling services offered by the university.
    That's a good place to start, as they will understand the particular pressures you are dealing with. Good luck
 
 
 
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