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What the HELL is my problem? (long post)
Hi guys. I've got a problem, but I really wish the anonymous thing worked. Ah well, these things happen.
Anyway, I seem to have a serious problem starting a relationship with people, and I think it's down to self-confidence issues.
When I was in my last year of high school I started my first relationship. She only ever let me kiss her and didn't let me do anything else - even touching her bum while kissing her would annoy her.
This lasted about 8 months, up until the very last day of school. She phoned me that night and told me were finished, basically because I had "bigger tits" than her. Turns out she was just using me to do her essays for her.
This crushed me, and by the time I went to Uni I still hadn't gotten over it. For the first two years of Uni I had nothing: no sexual contact, no relationships... nothing, no matter how hard I tried.
At the start of my third year in Uni, a girl texted me and said she fancied me. I wasn't really interested in her (I didn't find her physically attractive and her personality was the complete opposite of what interested me). However, since this was my first chance in three years to feel appreciated I decided to go to the cinema with her.
After the cinema she pretty much told me she was coming back to mine. We started watching a film, and before it was over she'd unbuttoned my jeans and was, ahem, "rubbing" me. Although I wasn't attracted to her too much, it was pretty clear she wanted sex, so I lost my virginity to her that night.
Put short, it was rubbish. Over the course of a couple of hours she orgasmed twice (both times due to me going down on her), but in terms of my own needs I couldn't "finish the job", probably due to nervousness and a lack of attraction.
She left, and I was gutted. I'd lost my virginity in the worst possible way.
After that it was the usual routine: nobody paid me any interest. That is, until the end of my last year at Uni, when I got really friendly with another girl. I liked horror films, and she loved horror films, so she started coming over every night and we'd watch some films. We'd cuddle into each other during the scary bits, but nothing more.
One night after she left, I thought "what the hell" and texted her saying "this might sound daft but I've wondered what we'd be like as a couple." She replied saying "me too", and we decided to go on a date. She was really excited, saying she hadn't been on a date in ages, and we went to the cinema, cuddled up, went for a drink then went back to mine.
We kissed for a bit, there was some fondling, then she said she had to go because she had work the next day. She phoned me the next day to see how I was doing, then after that, nothing.
Literally nothing. It has now been literally two years since that night and I have not been able to get in touch with her by phone, text, email or anything. She's disappeared. One of my friends saw her once, said I was asking for her, and she said "yeah, could you tell him to stop texting me? It's really pissing me off".
I'd done nothing to justify this.
Naturally, by this point my self-confidence was crushed. Three times I'd been with a girl, and three times they'd messed me over.
Then I moved to London (got a job here, which I love), but was again having problems catching the ladies' eyes, probably due to my lack of self-confidence. That was until I met a girl on the Internet. Her boyfriend was treating her like crap, ignoring her and telling her he didn't want to have children with her. I was there for her, and consoled her by telling her there are plenty of nice people out there who she could be with. I tried to offer her hope, and she appreciated it.
Over the months, our friendship developed, until we both admitted we had feelings for each other. She said she'd stay with me in a heartbeat if I lived nearer (she stays up north), she said I was her "security blanket", and that she was sure we could "overcome this distance".
I felt confident talking to her, because my looks never came into play. I'm a slightly chunky lad (nothing too bad, but enough to be noticeable), and I think that always had an impact on girls' reactions to me. Yet finally I was able to treat a girl the way I always wanted to, without having to worry about her not being attracted to me physically (though we had seen photos of each other).
We spoke online to each other pretty much every night. She spoke about how she was planning on moving out of her idiot "boyfriend"'s house, and I told her I'd wait as long as it took to be with her. She seemed happy with these plans.
This lasted a few months, then last month we planned we'd finally meet each other after her exams to see if we "connect" (after all, there's no point starting a relationship if you don't actually get along with the person in real life). This is due to happen next week.
The other night though, she revealed that she likes someone else, who lives near her. I was crushed. I asked her where I stood, and she told me that since we hadn't met, she only liked me in the same way she liked any of the celebrities she fancied.
I was gutted that she was comparing me to some unrealistic schoolgirl celebrity crushes. After all, Chris Martin didn't send her a dozen red roses on Valentine's Day, and Johnny Knoxville didn't spend a sizeable chunk of his spending money on presents for her when he was in New York. I wasn't like a celebrity crush, I was real and I was available.
And now I've been crapped on again.
I genuinely don't understand this world. All my life I've been determined to treat women with respect, care, and love. I always open doors, I always pay their way, I always pay them compliments and I always put their needs before mine. I get sickened when I see "tough guy" idiots who treat their women like garbage but get to sleep around just because they're well-built. I know I'm more than capable in the bedroom if I can make a lass orgasm twice when I'm not even interested in her, but I never get anywhere near the opportunity to prove this.
Simply put, I want to be able to treat a girl like a princess, and give her everything she's ever wanted. I want to love her, marry her, have children with her and grow old with her.
But for some reason I'm getting shafted every single time I come close to it. With this most recent one I've come closer than I ever have before, but once again it's scuppered me.
What do I need to do to get someone, folks? I'm not a bad person, far from it. I just don't understand.
Congratulations for reading all that, be sure to shave the beard that's grown since you started reading, before you reply.
Anyway, I seem to have a serious problem starting a relationship with people, and I think it's down to self-confidence issues.
When I was in my last year of high school I started my first relationship. She only ever let me kiss her and didn't let me do anything else - even touching her bum while kissing her would annoy her.
This lasted about 8 months, up until the very last day of school. She phoned me that night and told me were finished, basically because I had "bigger tits" than her. Turns out she was just using me to do her essays for her.
This crushed me, and by the time I went to Uni I still hadn't gotten over it. For the first two years of Uni I had nothing: no sexual contact, no relationships... nothing, no matter how hard I tried.
At the start of my third year in Uni, a girl texted me and said she fancied me. I wasn't really interested in her (I didn't find her physically attractive and her personality was the complete opposite of what interested me). However, since this was my first chance in three years to feel appreciated I decided to go to the cinema with her.
After the cinema she pretty much told me she was coming back to mine. We started watching a film, and before it was over she'd unbuttoned my jeans and was, ahem, "rubbing" me. Although I wasn't attracted to her too much, it was pretty clear she wanted sex, so I lost my virginity to her that night.
Put short, it was rubbish. Over the course of a couple of hours she orgasmed twice (both times due to me going down on her), but in terms of my own needs I couldn't "finish the job", probably due to nervousness and a lack of attraction.
She left, and I was gutted. I'd lost my virginity in the worst possible way.
After that it was the usual routine: nobody paid me any interest. That is, until the end of my last year at Uni, when I got really friendly with another girl. I liked horror films, and she loved horror films, so she started coming over every night and we'd watch some films. We'd cuddle into each other during the scary bits, but nothing more.
One night after she left, I thought "what the hell" and texted her saying "this might sound daft but I've wondered what we'd be like as a couple." She replied saying "me too", and we decided to go on a date. She was really excited, saying she hadn't been on a date in ages, and we went to the cinema, cuddled up, went for a drink then went back to mine.
We kissed for a bit, there was some fondling, then she said she had to go because she had work the next day. She phoned me the next day to see how I was doing, then after that, nothing.
Literally nothing. It has now been literally two years since that night and I have not been able to get in touch with her by phone, text, email or anything. She's disappeared. One of my friends saw her once, said I was asking for her, and she said "yeah, could you tell him to stop texting me? It's really pissing me off".
I'd done nothing to justify this.
Naturally, by this point my self-confidence was crushed. Three times I'd been with a girl, and three times they'd messed me over.
Then I moved to London (got a job here, which I love), but was again having problems catching the ladies' eyes, probably due to my lack of self-confidence. That was until I met a girl on the Internet. Her boyfriend was treating her like crap, ignoring her and telling her he didn't want to have children with her. I was there for her, and consoled her by telling her there are plenty of nice people out there who she could be with. I tried to offer her hope, and she appreciated it.
Over the months, our friendship developed, until we both admitted we had feelings for each other. She said she'd stay with me in a heartbeat if I lived nearer (she stays up north), she said I was her "security blanket", and that she was sure we could "overcome this distance".
I felt confident talking to her, because my looks never came into play. I'm a slightly chunky lad (nothing too bad, but enough to be noticeable), and I think that always had an impact on girls' reactions to me. Yet finally I was able to treat a girl the way I always wanted to, without having to worry about her not being attracted to me physically (though we had seen photos of each other).
We spoke online to each other pretty much every night. She spoke about how she was planning on moving out of her idiot "boyfriend"'s house, and I told her I'd wait as long as it took to be with her. She seemed happy with these plans.
This lasted a few months, then last month we planned we'd finally meet each other after her exams to see if we "connect" (after all, there's no point starting a relationship if you don't actually get along with the person in real life). This is due to happen next week.
The other night though, she revealed that she likes someone else, who lives near her. I was crushed. I asked her where I stood, and she told me that since we hadn't met, she only liked me in the same way she liked any of the celebrities she fancied.
I was gutted that she was comparing me to some unrealistic schoolgirl celebrity crushes. After all, Chris Martin didn't send her a dozen red roses on Valentine's Day, and Johnny Knoxville didn't spend a sizeable chunk of his spending money on presents for her when he was in New York. I wasn't like a celebrity crush, I was real and I was available.
And now I've been crapped on again.
I genuinely don't understand this world. All my life I've been determined to treat women with respect, care, and love. I always open doors, I always pay their way, I always pay them compliments and I always put their needs before mine. I get sickened when I see "tough guy" idiots who treat their women like garbage but get to sleep around just because they're well-built. I know I'm more than capable in the bedroom if I can make a lass orgasm twice when I'm not even interested in her, but I never get anywhere near the opportunity to prove this.
Simply put, I want to be able to treat a girl like a princess, and give her everything she's ever wanted. I want to love her, marry her, have children with her and grow old with her.
But for some reason I'm getting shafted every single time I come close to it. With this most recent one I've come closer than I ever have before, but once again it's scuppered me.
What do I need to do to get someone, folks? I'm not a bad person, far from it. I just don't understand.
Congratulations for reading all that, be sure to shave the beard that's grown since you started reading, before you reply.
Scroll to see replies
King Hippo.. Seriously i had the same problems before i met my current gf.... You find a load of wrong people in this world. There is nothing wrong with you they just were not right for you. Keep looking and waiting. If you fancy someone dont hold it back, build up confidence and make it known.
Mike.
Mike.
**** dude. Sounds pretty rough 
How old are you? I'm guessing 18,19? Unfortunately in our society there's so much pressure to be with someone early on so we end up wanting to be and getting ourselves hurt. Not everyone meets the right person right away, and you have to kiss a few frogs before you find 'the one', usually. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18 and a half. Soon after that I met my now boyfriend, and we've been together for two and a half years. It makes all the mess seem worth it. Trust me, you will find someone - especially if you want to treat her as well as you say you do
How old are you? I'm guessing 18,19? Unfortunately in our society there's so much pressure to be with someone early on so we end up wanting to be and getting ourselves hurt. Not everyone meets the right person right away, and you have to kiss a few frogs before you find 'the one', usually. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18 and a half. Soon after that I met my now boyfriend, and we've been together for two and a half years. It makes all the mess seem worth it. Trust me, you will find someone - especially if you want to treat her as well as you say you do
Angelil
**** dude. Sounds pretty rough
How old are you? I'm guessing 18,19? Unfortunately in our society there's so much pressure to be with someone early on so we end up wanting to be and getting ourselves hurt. Not everyone meets the right person right away, and you have to kiss a few frogs before you find 'the one', usually. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18 and a half. Soon after that I met my now boyfriend, and we've been together for two and a half years. It makes all the mess seem worth it. Trust me, you will find someone - especially if you want to treat her as well as you say you do
How old are you? I'm guessing 18,19? Unfortunately in our society there's so much pressure to be with someone early on so we end up wanting to be and getting ourselves hurt. Not everyone meets the right person right away, and you have to kiss a few frogs before you find 'the one', usually. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18 and a half. Soon after that I met my now boyfriend, and we've been together for two and a half years. It makes all the mess seem worth it. Trust me, you will find someone - especially if you want to treat her as well as you say you do
I'm 24, by the way.
I still want to work on this current girl, I really think we'd be amazing together. Hopefully this guy she likes turns out to be an idiot and I still have a chance with her. I know if I got to meet her a couple of times she'd see that I could treat her perfectly.
We need more guys in this world like you! Those girls don't know what they're missing out on! ~hugs~
OMG I actually love you. *swoons*
Those girls are absolute idiots for not seeing what a great catch you are. You're interesting, funny, self-deprecating, intuitive, charming, protective and just seem generally like a lovely person.
The thing you have to realise here is that it's not about you. It's their problems - you just happen to have found some short-sighted girls who can't see who you are. I'm absolutely certain that if you continue being the way you are, you'll meet someone who you click with and who realises that you're a fantastic guy. One thing - please, please don't stop being the way you are because it would be such a shame to let these girls' thoughtlessness and general bitchiness get in the way of your true personality. Please don't turn into a bad boy who pushes girls around - be the nice guy, and make a lucky girl's day. I would love to know someone like you!
I hope things get better for you
Those girls are absolute idiots for not seeing what a great catch you are. You're interesting, funny, self-deprecating, intuitive, charming, protective and just seem generally like a lovely person.
The thing you have to realise here is that it's not about you. It's their problems - you just happen to have found some short-sighted girls who can't see who you are. I'm absolutely certain that if you continue being the way you are, you'll meet someone who you click with and who realises that you're a fantastic guy. One thing - please, please don't stop being the way you are because it would be such a shame to let these girls' thoughtlessness and general bitchiness get in the way of your true personality. Please don't turn into a bad boy who pushes girls around - be the nice guy, and make a lucky girl's day. I would love to know someone like you!
I hope things get better for you
well it seems you've had a pretty tough time and i'm sure its constantly playing on your mind.
it depends what your like socially, if you're able to go out and meet people with similar interests to your own. so if you like horror films go to the cinema nad watch some horror films and see if there are people there who are single i know its not the easiest place to look for a date.
but maybe if you've got friends with girlfriends they might have someone in mind that could be pared up with you.
there are so many women out there that could be perfect for you. but if you keep looking you'll find her. i know how hard it is when things fall apart. i had quite a bad experience with my ex, we went our own ways because we felt distanced from each other and it is hard breaking off a relationship or feeling rejected and lonely.
if you keep trying and go out to places where your likely to meet people with similar interests to your own. there is no sound advice i can give to gaurentee you a sucessfull relationship or finding someone but perservrance will get you there in the end.
if you have worries about your size or image then you can always change, try making subtle changes to your life you might become a more confident person and will then be able to go out there and find thsoe women perfect for you.
i wish you the very best of luck in finding a sucessfull and stable relationship.
use each rejection as a springboard to find someone better and more suited to you. the rejection will make you more determined.
best of luck
it depends what your like socially, if you're able to go out and meet people with similar interests to your own. so if you like horror films go to the cinema nad watch some horror films and see if there are people there who are single i know its not the easiest place to look for a date.
but maybe if you've got friends with girlfriends they might have someone in mind that could be pared up with you.
there are so many women out there that could be perfect for you. but if you keep looking you'll find her. i know how hard it is when things fall apart. i had quite a bad experience with my ex, we went our own ways because we felt distanced from each other and it is hard breaking off a relationship or feeling rejected and lonely.
if you keep trying and go out to places where your likely to meet people with similar interests to your own. there is no sound advice i can give to gaurentee you a sucessfull relationship or finding someone but perservrance will get you there in the end.
if you have worries about your size or image then you can always change, try making subtle changes to your life you might become a more confident person and will then be able to go out there and find thsoe women perfect for you.
i wish you the very best of luck in finding a sucessfull and stable relationship.
use each rejection as a springboard to find someone better and more suited to you. the rejection will make you more determined.
best of luck
3232
I can't be the only person who feels like they've just got to the end of a murder mystery novel and found out the big mystery, surely? Is it me or after having read a certain other thread have things 'clicked'?
Lol, nah. I know what you're thinking mate.
I'm friendly with Tufts, but I can assure you that Tufts' situation is seperate from mine. I wouldn't discuss this so openly on here if that wasn't the case.
Unfortunately that's just how it is with most girls. In my opinion of course. In my own experiences the girls i've known don't like those guys that will give them everything and treat them like a princess...it's like no challenge for them...you shouldn't seem so needy and clingy (not saying you are that, just they may think so).
I treated my first proper girlfriend how i felt girls should be treated, my efforts were completely wasted...she just took advantage..because she knew i'd do everything for her...but i learned and moved on, right now i have no intentions of treating any girl better than i'd treat any other human...just that same respect i give to everybody. If she expects me to treat her like a princess she's got the wrong guy...
I found one that that i was happy with for a few years, i treated her nicely...but she didn't walk over me or use me and i'm thankful i met her...there are nice girls out there...just don't expect to find them easily.
I don't know what to suggest, other than to quote the 40 year old virgin and tell you to stop putting girls on this pedestal high up...just because you like a girl doesn't mean she's special and you'd be lucky to have her...she should be lucky to have YOU. **** her, if a girl can't respect you like she wants to be respected then she's not for you.
I treated my first proper girlfriend how i felt girls should be treated, my efforts were completely wasted...she just took advantage..because she knew i'd do everything for her...but i learned and moved on, right now i have no intentions of treating any girl better than i'd treat any other human...just that same respect i give to everybody. If she expects me to treat her like a princess she's got the wrong guy...
I found one that that i was happy with for a few years, i treated her nicely...but she didn't walk over me or use me and i'm thankful i met her...there are nice girls out there...just don't expect to find them easily.
I don't know what to suggest, other than to quote the 40 year old virgin and tell you to stop putting girls on this pedestal high up...just because you like a girl doesn't mean she's special and you'd be lucky to have her...she should be lucky to have YOU. **** her, if a girl can't respect you like she wants to be respected then she's not for you.
King Hippo
I'm 24, by the way.
I still want to work on this current girl, I really think we'd be amazing together. Hopefully this guy she likes turns out to be an idiot and I still have a chance with her. I know if I got to meet her a couple of times she'd see that I could treat her perfectly.
I still want to work on this current girl, I really think we'd be amazing together. Hopefully this guy she likes turns out to be an idiot and I still have a chance with her. I know if I got to meet her a couple of times she'd see that I could treat her perfectly.
I hope I don't sound rude, but when you said she felt like you were a "security blanket", it got me thinking that she stays with a guy and when someone better comes along she goes to them instead. Leave that one and find someone better who doesn't suddenly decide not to see you because she found someone better.
I hope you find the person who loves you deeply.
Btw, although the romantic presents seem very nice, some girls might prefer it if you didn't spend so much on them initially, it might scare them a little bit (just a thought)
Cheers for the comments so far folks, you're all on my newly-created rep list.
King Hippo
Lol, nah. I know what you're thinking mate.
I'm friendly with Tufts, but I can assure you that Tufts' situation is seperate from mine. I wouldn't discuss this so openly on here if that wasn't the case.
I'm friendly with Tufts, but I can assure you that Tufts' situation is seperate from mine. I wouldn't discuss this so openly on here if that wasn't the case.
Damnit, i was just about to pull out my best Columbo impression.
*wags finger*
'Just one more thing....'
Tufts
*sniff* This sucks I dont know what to say.
It sounds like we're both hurting real bad. Like a dagger being twisted in our stomachs. I wish I could reach out and hold you.
I dont know what to say.It sounds like we're both hurting real bad. Like a dagger being twisted in our stomachs. I wish I could reach out and hold you.
You and me both.
King Hippo
I genuinely don't understand this world. All my life I've been determined to treat women with respect, care, and love. I always open doors, I always pay their way, I always pay them compliments and I always put their needs before mine. I get sickened when I see "tough guy" idiots who treat their women like garbage but get to sleep around just because they're well-built. I know I'm more than capable in the bedroom if I can make a lass orgasm twice when I'm not even interested in her, but I never get anywhere near the opportunity to prove this.
Simply put, I want to be able to treat a girl like a princess, and give her everything she's ever wanted. I want to love her, marry her, have children with her and grow old with her.
What do I need to do to get someone, folks? I'm not a bad person, far from it. I just don't understand.
I genuinely don't understand this world. All my life I've been determined to treat women with respect, care, and love. I always open doors, I always pay their way, I always pay them compliments and I always put their needs before mine. I get sickened when I see "tough guy" idiots who treat their women like garbage but get to sleep around just because they're well-built. I know I'm more than capable in the bedroom if I can make a lass orgasm twice when I'm not even interested in her, but I never get anywhere near the opportunity to prove this.
Simply put, I want to be able to treat a girl like a princess, and give her everything she's ever wanted. I want to love her, marry her, have children with her and grow old with her.
What do I need to do to get someone, folks? I'm not a bad person, far from it. I just don't understand.
Girls want to feel attraction. Being a nice guy who buys flowers, opens doors, puts your coat over puddles, pays for them all night is not going to make them feel attraction. It'll make them think you're a pussy, a walkover and a loser. Who wants a loser as a boyfriend? No one. And the girls here saying "awww, don't worry you'll find someone" are hypocrites generally. Because they would get as bored of you as anyone else. Girls might want that eventually, but make them work. Also - what kind of level of self esteem must you have to just go with this girl even though you don't fancy her. And not just go with her, go down on her, chase after her and be all worked up about her ignoring you. Come on - get a grip! It's pathetic that you want to meet a girl, marry her and treat her like a princess. That's love before you've met. Grow a pair and you will meet girls. Act like this and girls will take advantage and I expect you'll get older and older and more and more lonely. Might be harsh, but all that is the truth.
It sounds like you're just having a hell of a lot of bad luck! *hugs* I promise you we're not all like that! Don't be so willing to go out of your way to please girls, especially if they're not making the same amount of effort back with you. You will definitely find someone better than all the girls you've encountered so far, you just have to keep looking. As for the girl who's just decided she likes someone else, she sounds like a bad catch...considering you've never met, it's likely she doesn't think of you very seriously, and does just consider it more like a crush than a serious feeling. I'd say get out and about in your area and find some girls, and if they're not making a lot of effort with you, then just forget about them and move on.
*hugs* I promise you we're not all like that! Don't be so willing to go out of your way to please girls, especially if they're not making the same amount of effort back with you. You will definitely find someone better than all the girls you've encountered so far, you just have to keep looking. As for the girl who's just decided she likes someone else, she sounds like a bad catch...considering you've never met, it's likely she doesn't think of you very seriously, and does just consider it more like a crush than a serious feeling. I'd say get out and about in your area and find some girls, and if they're not making a lot of effort with you, then just forget about them and move on.Related discussions
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