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Devastated
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. We have not had sex but have done everything else, I didn’t realise it was a major problem until I kept putting it off. My boyfriend has given me ‘deadlines’ over time but has now said I have 2 weeks left for us to have sex or its over.
I started counselling sessions a few weeks ago which have helped, my fear is the pain of entry which we haven’t even attempted. I have bought a book to help me and so far it’s good. My counsellor saw me cry when she asked if I would be heartbroken if it was over, she said he should be dumped for setting a deadline even though I am trying now - but she realised she shouldn’t speak her mind!
I know he has waited patiently but I have cried loads in front of him this weekend and he said the deadline isn’t fair but said I would keep putting it off. I told him I am devastated as he could end up with someone else. He said that’s life and relationships. Everything else is great and we got on well its just this problem that causes arguments. I want to marry this guy but fear it could end in tears.
I started counselling sessions a few weeks ago which have helped, my fear is the pain of entry which we haven’t even attempted. I have bought a book to help me and so far it’s good. My counsellor saw me cry when she asked if I would be heartbroken if it was over, she said he should be dumped for setting a deadline even though I am trying now - but she realised she shouldn’t speak her mind!
I know he has waited patiently but I have cried loads in front of him this weekend and he said the deadline isn’t fair but said I would keep putting it off. I told him I am devastated as he could end up with someone else. He said that’s life and relationships. Everything else is great and we got on well its just this problem that causes arguments. I want to marry this guy but fear it could end in tears.
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Reply 2
I think your boyfriend is being unreasonable there, he should not be putting pressure on you like that.
Reply 3
It's my life
I think your boyfriend is being unreasonable there, he should not be putting pressure on you like that.
I second that.
Putting aside thinking it'll hurt etc, is that the only reason you don't want to have sex with your boyfriend? Because if you don't want to have sex for other reasons then he really should not be pressuring you at all, and if he really loved you he'd wait until you were ready, hell, it's not like you're not doing anything at all sexualwise!
No, giving someone deadlines to have sex with them is not 'life and relationships'. A relationship is a partnership, where if one person has a problem then the other works with them, not against them, to sort it out. If you're not ready to have sex, you're not, and you're going to end up resenting your boyfriend for 'forcing' you into making a decision you don't want to make yet. I can't help thinking that maybe these deadlines are making it worse for you ... you're scared, he's pressuring you, you get more scared and then he puts even more pressure on you. He needs to understand that this is a problem for you, and that he should back off until you're ready to make a decision without pressure. Threatening to dump someone because they won't sleep with you is childish in the extreme.
I don't mean to rant but I read your post and I felt so sorry for you. Your boyfriend is behaving like a pig and you need to stick up for yourself. If you don't want to have sex yet, don't. By all means keep going to the counsellor to talk about whatever is making you so distressed, but please, please don't let yourself be pressured into having sex. If your boyfriend really loves you, he should be prepared to wait until you're both ready, not force you to have sex just because he wants it. Sex IS important in a real relationship, but just because it's a way of showing how much you love someone, not a way of forcing them to do what you want.
Take your time, do what's right for you and Good luck.
I don't mean to rant but I read your post and I felt so sorry for you. Your boyfriend is behaving like a pig and you need to stick up for yourself. If you don't want to have sex yet, don't. By all means keep going to the counsellor to talk about whatever is making you so distressed, but please, please don't let yourself be pressured into having sex. If your boyfriend really loves you, he should be prepared to wait until you're both ready, not force you to have sex just because he wants it. Sex IS important in a real relationship, but just because it's a way of showing how much you love someone, not a way of forcing them to do what you want.
Take your time, do what's right for you and Good luck.
Reply 5
Also, if you're really dreading it (which I assume you will be 'cos giving you a 'deadline' is putting major pressure on here) you really won't be in the mood for sex, and then it really will hurt and feel bad. You should only do it when you want to, because you can't force yourself to be in the mood if you're not, and if you're not in the mood it probably won't be the best experience and will hurt you a bit.
Reply 6
take things at your own pace... if he loved you truly then he wouldn't be forcing this upon you. relationships can be fine without sex and it seems 2 and a half years you've been together without it.
well as the bear suggested try a bit of KY and you should be fine. at first you can both start it off gently and jsut get used to the entry, but if your not comfortable with it and he's trying to force it upon you its probably best you get out and wait until you are comfortable with what you are doing or make him accept that he's going to have to wait until you are ready.
don't let him controll you like this its your body and if your not comfortable with it then don't let him try make you do it!
well as the bear suggested try a bit of KY and you should be fine. at first you can both start it off gently and jsut get used to the entry, but if your not comfortable with it and he's trying to force it upon you its probably best you get out and wait until you are comfortable with what you are doing or make him accept that he's going to have to wait until you are ready.
don't let him controll you like this its your body and if your not comfortable with it then don't let him try make you do it!
Reply 7
Electric
OP
You have all been so kind 
I would like to have sex with him but have put this problem off for so long. The councillor agrees he is being unreasonable as I am doing something about it now. She even says a deadline could make it worse. She told me to explore myself to see what I like but can't as I have my period now so that leaves one week after that 
I would like to have sex with him but have put this problem off for so long. The councillor agrees he is being unreasonable as I am doing something about it now. She even says a deadline could make it worse. She told me to explore myself to see what I like but can't as I have my period now so that leaves one week after that Reply 8
Paeony
No, giving someone deadlines to have sex with them is not 'life and relationships'. A relationship is a partnership, where if one person has a problem then the other works with them, not against them, to sort it out. If you're not ready to have sex, you're not, and you're going to end up resenting your boyfriend for 'forcing' you into making a decision you don't want to make yet. I can't help thinking that maybe these deadlines are making it worse for you ... you're scared, he's pressuring you, you get more scared and then he puts even more pressure on you. He needs to understand that this is a problem for you, and that he should back off until you're ready to make a decision without pressure. Threatening to dump someone because they won't sleep with you is childish in the extreme.
I don't mean to rant but I read your post and I felt so sorry for you. Your boyfriend is behaving like a pig and you need to stick up for yourself. If you don't want to have sex yet, don't. By all means keep going to the counsellor to talk about whatever is making you so distressed, but please, please don't let yourself be pressured into having sex. If your boyfriend really loves you, he should be prepared to wait until you're both ready, not force you to have sex just because he wants it. Sex IS important in a real relationship, but just because it's a way of showing how much you love someone, not a way of forcing them to do what you want.
Take your time, do what's right for you and Good luck.
I don't mean to rant but I read your post and I felt so sorry for you. Your boyfriend is behaving like a pig and you need to stick up for yourself. If you don't want to have sex yet, don't. By all means keep going to the counsellor to talk about whatever is making you so distressed, but please, please don't let yourself be pressured into having sex. If your boyfriend really loves you, he should be prepared to wait until you're both ready, not force you to have sex just because he wants it. Sex IS important in a real relationship, but just because it's a way of showing how much you love someone, not a way of forcing them to do what you want.
Take your time, do what's right for you and Good luck.
Very well said. He needs to work with you to get to the root of the problem, setting a deadline by which you 'have to have sex' is never going to get you in the mood and you should tell him that. It sounds to me as if he's only interested in his own pleasure and that would make him crap in bed anyway.
Reply 9
Dump him.
and join a convent.
and join a convent.
Reply 10
What a dick! He's using emotional blackmail to force you to have sex with him, why do you let him do this?
Reply 11
don't you think you might grow to resent him if he pressures you into having sex like this?
Why are you so worried about the pain? There are many, many worse things than a little bit of physical pain you know. It's really not that bad, and many people don't find that it hurts at all. You're really worrying over nothing. If you put other things up there (fingers, vibrators etc) before you sleep together then you can get rid of the hymen yourself at your own pace so it won't be so sore.
I think you've dwelt on the issue too long and built it up into your mind so that it's such a big issue, but it shouldn't be really. People have been doing it for centuries... it's not so scary.
She has a point.
I don't think you should dump him over this, but you certainly shouldn't sit back and accept this type of blackmail.
Why are you so worried about the pain? There are many, many worse things than a little bit of physical pain you know. It's really not that bad, and many people don't find that it hurts at all. You're really worrying over nothing.
If you put other things up there (fingers, vibrators etc) before you sleep together then you can get rid of the hymen yourself at your own pace so it won't be so sore.I think you've dwelt on the issue too long and built it up into your mind so that it's such a big issue, but it shouldn't be really. People have been doing it for centuries... it's not so scary.
she said he should be dumped for setting a deadline even though I am trying now
She has a point.
I don't think you should dump him over this, but you certainly shouldn't sit back and accept this type of blackmail. Reply 12
he is a **** who doesnt deserve sex.
Am i the only person that can sympathise with the guy? Firstly, shes 23, its not like shes 16/17. He's in a long term relationship with a 23 year old woman with absolutely no prospect of sex in the foreseeable future because of the massive mental block she has about it. Personally i would not want to spend the rest of my life not having sex, so i perfectly understand why hes got to the point where they either have sex and enjoy every aspect of their relationship or he finds someone else who will.
Reply 16
Been with him for 2 and a half years and no sex? Wow! how old are you may I ask?
Reply 18
Your boyfriend is being very unreasonable. How dare he do such a thing as putting deadlines on when you will have sex and threaten to break up with you if you don't agree? I personally think that he wouldn't do such a thing if he loved you.
I realise you love him, but don't let him force you into having sex when you aren't ready to. If you were to have sex with him when you aren't ready, you might end up resenting him for making you do it. You don't want to risk that do you? Relationships aren't all about sex, it plays a bit part but it's hardly the most important thing.
Two and a half years is a long time for people not to have sex, but you're doing something about it and that's what is important. It might have taken time but you've realised that there is a problem and you're trying to deal with it. As frustrating as it is for your boyfriend, maybe if he was more supportive then it would help you. He will make things worse by creating stupid deadlines, you two should work together on this one and try resolve the problem rather than fighting.
Have you used anything else to help with the pain of entry fear? Fingers, toys and such. I know you two have done other things, but there are different ways of using your fingers if you know what I mean.
Honestly though, if he is dead set on keeping this deadline then you're better off without him. I'm not saying it's not difficult for him, but you're doing something about it and it's better late than never right? If he carries on this way, he really isn't worth the bother and maybe you two are better off breaking up if he is going to be so unreasonable. When you look back at this in six months time, a years time, you'll realise how unreasonable he really was.
If you aren't ready, you aren't ready and there is no way that you should make yourself do something you aren't comfortable with.
I realise you love him, but don't let him force you into having sex when you aren't ready to. If you were to have sex with him when you aren't ready, you might end up resenting him for making you do it. You don't want to risk that do you? Relationships aren't all about sex, it plays a bit part but it's hardly the most important thing.
Two and a half years is a long time for people not to have sex, but you're doing something about it and that's what is important. It might have taken time but you've realised that there is a problem and you're trying to deal with it. As frustrating as it is for your boyfriend, maybe if he was more supportive then it would help you. He will make things worse by creating stupid deadlines, you two should work together on this one and try resolve the problem rather than fighting.
Have you used anything else to help with the pain of entry fear? Fingers, toys and such. I know you two have done other things, but there are different ways of using your fingers if you know what I mean.
Honestly though, if he is dead set on keeping this deadline then you're better off without him. I'm not saying it's not difficult for him, but you're doing something about it and it's better late than never right? If he carries on this way, he really isn't worth the bother and maybe you two are better off breaking up if he is going to be so unreasonable. When you look back at this in six months time, a years time, you'll realise how unreasonable he really was.
If you aren't ready, you aren't ready and there is no way that you should make yourself do something you aren't comfortable with.
3232
Am i the only person that can sympathise with the guy? Firstly, shes 23, its not like shes 16/17. He's in a long term relationship with a 23 year old woman with absolutely no prospect of sex in the foreseeable future because of the massive mental block she has about it. Personally i would not want to spend the rest of my life not having sex, so i perfectly understand why hes got to the point where they either have sex and enjoy every aspect of their relationship or he finds someone else who will.
Yeah, I must confess I think this is a good point.
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