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Exclusive but not labelled yet, because he's afraid of LDR? Watch

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    So I (25) have been dating this guy (35) for 4 months. We see each other once a week and text all the time. Exclusive but not labelled (yet). We have had sex once (in about 6 weeks), but I didn’t feel too comfortable doing it in an undefined relationship, so I stopped and we now just date in an old-fashioned way. He said it doesn't matter he just liked spending time with me. We have such fun in almost anything we do. We laugh all the time, tell each other most things and have deep meaningful conversations. We have developed strong emotional connections like very close friends.

    The reason for us not moving forward despite the fact that: 1. we like each other very much 2. we both are looking for serious relationships is simple: I will be leaving the country to pursue my master degree across the world this September.


    On an early date, he revealed he has had traumatic experiences in LDR and addressed he wouldn’t do a LDR ever again (We didn’t know I’d really be leaving at that point and he was pursuing me in an earnest/serious manner). Soon, I decided the degree was crucial to my career (he agrees) and started working on applications vigorously. He’s been very encouraging and supportive. However, he’s been holding back (and admits it) since offers came.


    We used to hang out 2-3 times a week and now only once a week. And declined my suggestions of taking a trip together, etc. Me, on the other hand, have been controlling myself not having sex with him. 3 days ago, we had a talk: I told him I was not ready, as I’d become fully committed and invested after sex to the level he might not be ready for.

    He said he understood fully and felt the same way. His words like: “If the situation was different, I would see you everyday, do everything together, but you are leaving I don’t want to be someone's boyfriend with an expiration date. Creating too many memories only will just make it much worse when things change. I've done this before. I really don't know if I could offer more.”

    I realized only then, 3 days ago, when we had the conversation, there might be a few miscommunication between us as he raised a few concerns:
    1). He believes I'd move to another country and not come back as I hate the city here, and his job restrains him to stay at least a few more years. while actually I've decided to do a 9 months program and I will almost definitely come back in 9 months.
    2). He believes because I’m young, I’m still exploring and will get easily distracted, while I exactly know what I want: get the degree, find a better job here, settle down within the next 3 yrs.

    I just realized the above miscommunication have probably existed since we started dating, which may be the reasons + his LDR traumas, he’s holding back. I sort of cleared up point 1 and 2 during the conversation we had 3 days ago.It was the first time I raised those points. I didn't want to push or sell him the LDR idea, I just made it clear I had no problem doing one. He went into deep thoughts and we didn't reach a conclusion nor was I expecting one.
    exclusive but undefined situation, not moving forward b/c he's [35/M] afraid of LDR?
    It’s been 3 days. Nothing changed (no initiating meetups) except he's become more initiative and extra sweet in texting. I think/hope he's in the process of decision making...What does the situation look like to you? What would you do if you were in my situation? Would you retreat or stay status quo and wait for his move?
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    If you really like him then you may as well keep seeing him for now - if he likes you as much as you like him then he may change his mind about an LDR. However, if he says that he's not changing his mind and he doesn't want an LDR, then perhaps it would be better to call it off now? You've already dropped from seeing each other three times a week to once a week, which isn't the behaviour of someone who is committed to the relationship.

    Sit down and have a face to face conversation with him about it, where you can both put forward your points and address each other's concerns. That will tell you where you stand more than we ever can.
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    (Original post by georgiaswift)
    If you really like him then you may as well keep seeing him for now - if he likes you as much as you like him then he may change his mind about an LDR. However, if he says that he's not changing his mind and he doesn't want an LDR, then perhaps it would be better to call it off now? You've already dropped from seeing each other three times a week to once a week, which isn't the behaviour of someone who is committed to the relationship.

    Sit down and have a face to face conversation with him about it, where you can both put forward your points and address each other's concerns. That will tell you where you stand more than we ever can.
    Thanks a lot for the advice! I think I'll keep seeing him for now and save the conversation for later... Right now all I can do is to make points 1&2 crystal clear (which I've done already) and lay back to give him time and space to think about it...

    I will drop the topic entirely for now, I don't want to lower my value by trying to convince him or anything...
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    So a little update:Yesterday I said sorry I have to leave (second time I brought up the subject) he said don’t be, I’d feel much better as soon as I begin my new life abroad. I reinforced my points that I’d be back in 9 months and said I wouldn’t ask for anything he’d feel uncomfortable with while I am away, but I do want him to take good care of himself. I would like to see him doing well when I come back. He said he’d very likely to be alone by the time I’m back, as he’d be focusing on his huge project this year.

    Then at some point I jokingly said he can’t wait to get rid of me already, but unfortunately I’ll be back (in the neighborhood, as we live very close). He seemed to lighten up, cracked many jokes and we talked a lot more, about childhood, goofy things, random thoughts till very late…

    I don’t know if it means anything…
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks a lot for the advice! I think I'll keep seeing him for now and save the conversation for later... Right now all I can do is to make points 1&2 crystal clear (which I've done already) and lay back to give him time and space to think about it...

    I will drop the topic entirely for now, I don't want to lower my value by trying to convince him or anything...
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So a little update:Yesterday I said sorry I have to leave (second time I brought up the subject) he said don’t be, I’d feel much better as soon as I begin my new life abroad. I reinforced my points that I’d be back in 9 months and said I wouldn’t ask for anything he’d feel uncomfortable with while I am away, but I do want him to take good care of himself. I would like to see him doing well when I come back. He said he’d very likely to be alone by the time I’m back, as he’d be focusing on his huge project this year.

    Then at some point I jokingly said he can’t wait to get rid of me already, but unfortunately I’ll be back (in the neighborhood, as we live very close). He seemed to lighten up, cracked many jokes and we talked a lot more, about childhood, goofy things, random thoughts till very late…

    I don’t know if it means anything…
    There's nothing more we can tell you on this front. Just see how things go and don't overthink it. Enjoy his company while you can and let him make the decision in his own time.
 
 
 
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