Revelations about my younger sister . . .

Firstly, I'm not a noob. A lack of anon-function has driven me to this.

Okay, so the issue:

It has been long suspected that my 12 year old sister has rather more money to spend on shopping than she is getting in her allowance. For example, we believed her to be (near as makes little odds) 'skint' just after Christmas as she had spent a fortune on presents for people, and had received little more than £30 from friends and relatives during the festive season. She only received £20 a month from my parents and had no other income other than what fond god-parents bestowed upon her. And yet, she was regularly able to go out shopping, spending a fair whack on make-up, clothes and little bits of jewelry, as well as making some rather large purchases (an ipod nano followed by a "discount" ipod, £60 hair straighteners, new hairdryer and styling set etc). Now, it being May, since Xmas she can only have had about £100 from my parents. Add the £30 odd from Xmas to that and she only has about £130 avaliable to spend if she saved it all and spent it NOW. And yet, she has spent well over £300 in those five months and was also found with £150 in her school blazer pocket!

So, the little dear has been ratted out. She has confessed to stealing from my mother and others to fund her shopping (she blames social pressure to look good :rolleyes:

) and even to shoplifting small items of make-up and jewelry so that she has "enough money to spend on honest things". She has been less than forthcoming with the details of her exploits, despite the fact that she knows her reputation is mud, whatever she says, and my parents are trying to take a hard line on her.

So my question is this: how should I react to this? I am strongly inclined to treat her as an alien. This isn't some problem she needs sisterly support with, this is criminal activity to fund her obsession with expensive trinkets and looking pretty. I have been less than pleasant to her over the weekend, as despite being put though the ringer by my parents, she is still cheerful and cheeky as ever. She is acting as though she has done nothing wrong! My parents have taken away her "niceties" such as the ability to go shopping with friends and her allowance, and they may be taking her new phone (a SE K800i) away from her as they suspect she may have taken my littler sisters new Motorola V3 and sold it/kept it for herself. But I don't think they are doing enough, as she still seems unbothered. How harsh can they afford to be before she begins to paint herself as the victim and them as the evil jail keepers? How harsh can I afford to be? Am I justified in wanting nothing to do with her? Do I owe her anything, and is sisterhood really any more than sharing parents?

Reply 1

TheShrimp

5

Hmmm, I can understand you being embarrassed, but when my brother got in trouble with the police, I felt fully supportive of him because he means so much to me & I look up to him (he has since changed his ways...)

Maybe your sister needs your support & guidance? It sounds like peer pressure from friends at school, although I doubt it would be practical for her to move schools?

I'm sorry, I've just ended up asking more questions than answering your's. But remember she's only 12 (although you always feel so much older at that age) & it is possible for her to change into a 'better' person, perhaps with your help.

Reply 2

BJ-Dubois

I thought this thread was gonna involve some sort of filthy incestuous voyerism. As it is, I would advise some sort of bootcamp punishment.

Reply 3

poppy22

It seems that your parents approach isn't working so I'd suggest you don't act like them. -Be her friend and hopefully she will look up to you as a positive role model. Let her talk to you knowing that you aren't going to hate her or alienise her. If you can make her confident in herself then she will be able to stand up to peer pressure and wont feel the need to acquire lots of things to look cool. If she still feels like she needs these items then maybe she could get paid for helping round the house or get a paper round. -Then she would understand the value of money and can buy things honestly. :smile:

Reply 4

Vampyrcorn

14

It sounds quite a simple suggestion, but have your parents actually told her why her actions are wrong and given her more of an explanation than just "stealing is naughty, now we're going to take your things away from you"? A really intense talking to about how she's stealing from those who work hard for a living, and how other people get up at 7am to get ready for work and don't get home til late to keep their families fed, and then she just robs hardworking decent people, no better than a common theif, what makes her think that her desires are more important than other people's livlihood's blah blah blah might be more effective than just punishments. Appealing to her conscience, rather than just punishing her (though she needs that too I'd have thought) might help her understand the situation more from your point of view.

She shouldn't need to have that talk because it should be obvious, but it seems she needs to really think about it.

We had the same thing with my brother a few years back. My mother and him had a huge argument and it was really bad. :frown:

Unfortunately I don't really think we acheived anything with the argument. I don't think he steals anymore but he still doesn't always behave in the most morally ideal manner so perhaps I'm not the best person to give advice on the matter. :frown:

I think that it's ok for you to show that you're totally disgusted and think she's behaved terribly, just so long as she simultaneously realises that you still love her and all that. It's bad to make young people feel rejected at home, otherwise she'll turn to her friends who in turn will have even more of a (bad) influence on her.

Reply 5

superlative

despite putting on a brave face, it may be the case that she secretly she is feeling really down. i know that is something i would probably do.

i wouldn't go out of your way to be especially horrid to her. in all probability she's having a *****ty enough time as it is. if you don't feel you can be her best friend at the minute, don't be, but don't make it harder.

where you close to your sister before this?

Reply 6

superlative

despite putting on a brave face, it may be the case that she secretly she is feeling really down. i know that is something i would probably do.

i wouldn't go out of your way to be especially horrid to her. in all probability she's having a *****ty enough time as it is. if you don't feel you can be her best friend at the minute, don't be, but don't make it harder.

where you close to your sister before this?

Reply 7

superlative

aahh!!! what's going on with all these repeated responses???? i didn't do it!

Reply 8

poppy22

vampyrcorn gives good advice...

Reply 9

nk_angel89

Can I just say at 12, isn't she a little bit spoiled (having a new phone, and your parents not realising what she owns) and aren't your parents slightly "slow" not to catch on to her having some sort of thieving/lying problem. My sisters 11 and if she came home with an iPod my mum would hit the roof becuase there is no way in hell she could ever have afforded it and there is no one who would give it her free or "discounted". At 12, your parents control a lot of your life in terms of clothes you buy, etc because they all pay for it and if she was getting "dicounted" straightners, make up etc, parents must surely realise.

I don't think shouting at her or ignoring her would work. I think your parents need to sit down with her and explain to her properly the consequences of whta she is doing, not just in terms of shoplifting/lying but also the body image she feels she needs to portray. It seems either your sister is very lonely and wants some attention or a spoilt brat in need of a good talking to. Only you can answer that.

Reply 10

evil groove

Invite all those she stole from round for tea in the lounge, and, when your sister is surrounded, make her apologise to them all, one by one.

Humiliation is a good deterrant for any ideas she may have of potential future malicious behaviours.

Reply 11

sufiankane

2

Schokis

Invite all those she stole from round for tea in the lounge, and, when your sister is surrounded, make her apologise to them all, one by one.

Humiliation is a good deterrant for any ideas she may have of potential future malicious behaviours.

THIS GUY KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT TO DO! SHE WILL HTE YOU FOR A BIT, BUT ITS FOR HER OWN GOOD.

Reply 12

yellow96

15

Schokis

Invite all those she stole from round for tea in the lounge, and, when your sister is surrounded, make her apologise to them all, one by one.

Humiliation is a good deterrant for any ideas she may have of potential future malicious behaviours.

Seconded. You could also try the "every penny you stole is one less penny you'll be getting in Christmas presents" approach. I suppose if she carries on stealing then you really could convince your parents to suspend her presents..

Reply 13

silverbolt

19

Schokis

Invite all those she stole from round for tea in the lounge, and, when your sister is surrounded, make her apologise to them all, one by one.

Humiliation is a good deterrant for any ideas she may have of potential future malicious behaviours.

i like that one. and it should prove to be a nasty deterent as was said.

Also dont just take ehr new stuff away from her, take everything that was legally/properly hers games dvds magazines but epecially her make up and hair straightners if shes that obsessed itl drive her nuts

Reply 14

louisedotcom

13

We had similar trouble with my brother over the last few years, he has just turned 17 and it probably started around the age of 14.
Rather than noticing extravagant purchaces though we just realised things going missing- and to this day I have no idea where any of the money/ stuff went.

At first over a period of a few months small things would go missing like lamps, ornaments or small items of jewellery. Slowly his bedroom started becomming more and more empty -Cds dissappearing, then the playstation & dvd player.

Money also went missing reguarly in total about £40 from my bedroom which for me was alot of money as I was at school an had no other source of income at the time. £5 and £10 notes reguarly went missing from my mum and dads wallets/purses.

At first my parents were very reluctant to believe it was him and would blame his friends. It was only after catching him in the act and after a very expensive tool from my dads shed went missing that they acknowledged it was him.

After this time- and about 2 years later I insisted upon having a lock bolted to my door and a safe put in my room as I was sick and tired of my things going missing and my parents being in denial about it. Its sad that ive had to resport to locking my things in a safe and having to bolt my door shut everytime I leave the room unattended but what choice do I have? If one day my laptop went missing thats it id be screwed because all my works on here, all my photos, documents, flight tickets and booking information for my holiday etc etc. In fairness he hasnt stolen from me in a while (to my knowledge atleast, I think after the last time he realised what an effect it was having on me as I ended up in tears and causing a huge row with my parents for being so lienient with him
He still steals from my parents though I know he does whenever they go out I hear him snooping in their room, and they are always giving him money despite the fact that he has a job earning over £100 a week. They pay for his driving lessons and in less than a year they have bought him 2 50cc scooters both of which are now off the road due to damage, parts going missing off of them etc.

Ive given up with him to be honest. Hes my brother, but realistically when I eventually move out of home I cant see myself keeping in contact with him, he only ever speaks to me when he wants something, and I think he has things far far too easily.

Regarding your sister, if you are disgusted by her behaviour dont even consider hiding it for a second is my advice. People wont face up to what they have done unless you show them the consequences of their actions and even if she puts on a front like she doesnt care- shes 12. Shes probably still at that age where you NEED your parents and immediate family. If she sees that her actions are alienating herself from you then she may think twice about what she has done and she may find a conscience.

Reply 15

puppy

Your parents are dealing with her, you're not her parent so I'd recommend butting out and not making an ass of yourself with your holier-than-thou attitude. It's so not hot.

Reply 16

Bubblebee

15

Hey Louise, similar situation happened with my brother, so I can feel for you about things going missing.
You say you don't know where the money goes? Have you mentioned drugs to your parents as a possibility? My parents never suspected my brother of drugs until he was in an accident while he was high ( he lost most of his hand and about an inch from one of his legs) he told me what he'd been doing before that and told me not to tell them. I always wonder if I'd told them before whether that would have stil happened.

To the OP, just try to be a good role-model for your younger sister. When you next go shopping with her, show her that you can get pretty things for less without stealing.

Reply 17

The_Black

OP

Hmmm, I can understand you being embarrassed

I'm not, I'm disgusted.

Maybe your sister needs your support & guidance? It sounds like peer pressure from friends at school, although I doubt it would be practical for her to move schools?

She has an incredibly supportive family, who understands that she has a hard(ish) time at school. But we are also a family that believes that just because things are difficult, does not give someone an excuse to behave selfishly and appalingly.

She has also been told that if anything like this happens again, or something new is found out that she doesn't tell us honestly herself, that she will be moved from the private school to the appaling secondary modern down the road. Yet, despite being high in her class in many subjects and praised by the teachers, this does not seem enough to soften her enough to be open with us about what is happening. The "bullying" (girls calling eachothers names, I put up with far worse and I am VERY thin skinned) is not justification alone to pull her out of a good school unless she wants it.

It sounds quite a simple suggestion, but have your parents actually told her why her actions are wrong and given her more of an explanation than just "stealing is naughty, now we're going to take your things away from you"?

Yes, about a hundred times. She has also been warned about how criminal her actvities are and my mother has threatened to get the police involved if there is a 'next time'.

despite putting on a brave face, it may be the case that she secretly she is feeling really down. i know that is something i would probably do.

There is a difference between a 'brave face' and dancing around, singing along to the Scissor Sisters. She is cheerful, sarcastic and, frankly, acting as though she is the king of the dungheap.

where you close to your sister before this?

She has been lying since she was 5. And I don't forgive easily. So no. But I didn't hate her, or even dislike her. I just knew what a worm she could be when she put her mind to it.

Can I just say at 12, isn't she a little bit spoiled (having a new phone, and your parents not realising what she owns) and aren't your parents slightly "slow" not to catch on to her having some sort of thieving/lying problem. My sisters 11 and if she came home with an iPod my mum would hit the roof becuase there is no way in hell she could ever have afforded it and there is no one who would give it her free or "discounted". At 12, your parents control a lot of your life in terms of clothes you buy, etc because they all pay for it and if she was getting "dicounted" straightners, make up etc, parents must surely realise.

If she was usualy a selfish, me me me type, then yes, she has way too many freedoms and nice things. But, apart from her natural inclination to lie, she has always seemed responsible, hardworking and generous enough to allow nice things. We were also under the impression that she saved heavily, and it was only recently that her expenditure became improbable in terms of how much allowance she got, although we think this problem may be a old one.

It was also difficult as she goes to a private school full of real spoilt brats, who all boast that they get hundreds of pounds to spend on clothes a week, and tease her mercilessly if she does not have the latest Dior make-up or Ugg Boots. She was unhappy, and so my parents had been supporting her going shopping, socialising etc to make her feel included. It was a difficult balance.

Invite all those she stole from round for tea in the lounge, and, when your sister is surrounded, make her apologise to them all, one by one.

Humiliation is a good deterrant for any ideas she may have of potential future malicious behaviours.

Great idea. I would also like her to write letters of appology to all the shops she stole from, and address all the people she gave stolen presents to. But we are worried about pushing her too far . . .

Also dont just take ehr new stuff away from her, take everything that was legally/properly hers games dvds magazines but epecially her make up and hair straightners if shes that obsessed itl drive her nuts

My family has some dodgy personality traits, and it is not unthinkable that making life difficult for her won't make her realise that what she has done is bad, and thus 'repent', but will drive her to more criminal activity on a "they don't care, so I may as well do it anyway" basis, or will drive her to run away, or even do worse. Again, it is a delicate balance. Personaly, I would move her into the sparsely furnished spare room, take her nice bits and bobs away from her, make her do unpaid work around the house etc etc. And also throw her against the wall and tell her EXACTLY what I think of her . . .

Your parents are dealing with her, you're not her parent so I'd recommend butting out and not making an ass of yourself with your holier-than-thou attitude. It's so not hot.

No, you are right, this isn't my problem. Because she is my cute little sister that I can trust completly. I can act like nothing has ever happened. WRONG!

I can't trust her to tell me the truth.
I can't trust her alone in the house.
I can't trust her to go into my room unsupervised
I can't trust her to go shopping with me.
I can't trust her to ever give me a present, because I don't know that it has been honestly earned.
I can't trust her to be trustworthy!

This isn't just something that we can all leave mummy and daddy to "discipline" her over. It isn't just them she has screwed over. She has done something immoral and abhorrent. What do I do? Give her a hug?

Holier-than-thou? Yes. Because I'm not a lying, shoplifting, selfish thief.

So how about you have a reality check and try not to insult people. It's not so hot either.

You say you don't know where the money goes? Have you mentioned drugs to your parents as a possibility?

I've seen the reciepts. I know exactly where the money went.

Reply 18

Bubblebee

15

I've seen the reciepts. I know exactly where the money went.

Oh sorry, that was to Lousisedotcoms post. I doubt a 12 year old girl is doing drugs.

I think it's just a case of give 'em an inch and they take a mile. If your sister has been given all these treats an rewards (new phones, new clothes ect) just to fit in she might not have the sense of money and hardwork.
I don't think there is anything you could do other than support your parents, ask if they want you to have a word with her ect.

Reply 19

thesuperficial

6

God, OP, you are a really nasty person. she's 12 for gods sake. when you're 12 and being bullied then you do stupid things, stop being so melodramatic. yes, she needs to be punished. but you treating her like the scum of the earth isn't really going to help matters.

she's still a child, its not like she's some 18year old. i cannot believe you would call your 12 year old sister a 'lying, shoplifting, selfish theif'. yes, stealing is bad, but it could be a lot worse, and if you push her away by acting like a **** it probably will be.

at the end of the day, some people are alot more impressionable to what people think of them, and when you're in year 7??...and you can't make friends then you'll behave selfishly.

you're being just as selfish as her in the way you're acting, all you're thinking about is yourself. how YOU would never behave like this, how YOU have to put up with so much worse when it comes to bullying, how YOU feel disgusted.

she'll think back on this when she's 16 and regret it, but you'll regret it even more if when she's 16 you've pushed her away so much that she won't talk to you about anything.

Revelations about my younger sister . . .

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