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Lack of self confidence even after therapy Watch

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    I basically have like an innate lack of self confidence in myself as a person. This stems from being born with a disability, and being different and all the obstacles that come with this.

    I was bullied, ridiculed, and had a difficult upbringing, single parent household, father cheated on mum, I was wheelchair bound and mum had to care for me, brother was hyperactive, aggressive and violent to me at young a age. My step father was physically and emotionally abusive. I was told I'd never walk again (due to disability), or go to a normal school, or even do well in school. Father then died when I was 14. At school, I was called ugly, spaz, spaker and all the horrible names.

    Fast forward 10-15yrs, I'm career driven and ambitous, I can now walk and do many of the things I never thought possible, I have a fiancée and in a long term relationship, I'm pretty intelligent, and I have a 2:1 hons degree.

    Despite all of this, and the fact I've had about a years worth of private psychotherapy, routine Counselling at Uni, NHS cbt, and countless visits to GP, I still lack a confidence in my abilities.

    I still feel unworthy, despite many people having a different perspective on me. I still feel all of the emotional pain from it all, and don't believe I'm all that attractive, despite having a partner that tells me differently. I've had the odd person tell me I'm handsome, but I dunno if thats said out of politeness.

    I believe the reason why I'm so ambitous and driven now (or try to be) is out of how I was treated as a child. I've sort of compensated for how I felt as a child and all the traumatic experiences I went through. I wanted to prove a point to everyone.

    What can I do?
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    I think a big part of your recovery is changing your mindset, you were treated badly in childhood because there were bad people around you, it had absolutely nothing to do with you and you are completely deserving of a long, happy, confident life maybe even more so than most people as you have overcome so much . I'd recommend continuing your counselling, I'm sure it will help in some way and if you are still in contact with any of the people who hurt you, I'd recommend you at least think about cutting them out of your life
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    I don't think confidence is a mindset, confidence is achieved through awareness of results reached by aggression, that one day you snap at someone and they do what you say you realise how much of the world actually resolves around the guy who dares open his mouth and say what everyone else is thinking but won't due to cowardice.
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    Don't pay too much attention to the post above. Confidence IS a mindset and I would continue with therapy to keep trying to build it, though it can be a long process. Look back at what you've accomplished, it takes a really strong person to overcome what you've been through, and what you've already done is incredibly impressive. Hold your head up high and be proud of what you have achieved so far.
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    (Original post by whorace)
    I don't think confidence is a mindset, confidence is achieved through awareness of results reached by aggression, that one day you snap at someone and they do what you say you realise how much of the world actually resolves around the guy who dares open his mouth and say what everyone else is thinking but won't due to cowardice.
    Or it can hopelessly backfire and alienate you from everyone. Don't think that the same rules that apply to Trump apply to pretty much everyone else, especially in a professional environment.
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    (Original post by ChaoticButterfly)
    Or it can hopelessly backfire and alienate you from everyone. Don't think that the same rules that apply to Trump apply to pretty much everyone else, especially in a professional environment.
    It can do yes, tell me Mr Quiet does your current approach make you as respected by your peers as those aggressive clowns? I doubt it.
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    Confidence IS a mind set but for people with a mediocum of intelligence / self awareness ... you cannot keep fooling yourself into believing it if you yourself do not believe it justified or meritied

    All i can offer to the OP is that nearly everyone is full of self doubts
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    (Original post by whorace)
    It can do yes, tell me Mr Quiet does your current approach make you as respected by your peers as those aggressive clowns? I doubt it.
    Fear =/= respect.
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    (Original post by ChaoticButterfly)
    Or it can hopelessly backfire and alienate you from everyone. Don't think that the same rules that apply to Trump apply to pretty much everyone else, especially in a professional environment.
    (Original post by whorace)
    It can do yes, tell me Mr Quiet does your current approach make you as respected by your peers as those aggressive clowns? I doubt it.


    (Original post by dean01234)
    Fear =/= respect.
    Respected can be earned through a number of different ways. Machiavelli would disagree with you.

    Obviously though I think you're misinterpreting what Whorace is saying. He isn't encouraging being intimidating or unapproachable. The world pays a lot more attention to people who say what's on their minds. I think a social study revealed that people would tend to gravitate towards individuals who spoke confidently even if they were wrong, as opposed to people who fumbled their words and spoke softly - although correct.
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    (Original post by High Stakes)
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    Respected can be earned through a number of different ways. Machiavelli would disagree with you.

    Obviously though I think you're misinterpreting what Whorace is saying. He isn't encouraging being intimidating or unapproachable. The world pays a lot more attention to people who say what's on their minds.

    I think a social study revealed that people would tend to gravitate towards individuals who spoke confidently even if they were wrong, as opposed to people who fumbled their words and spoke softly - although correct.
    Of course Machiavelli would disagree but thats not exactly proof. He said that if you had to choose between being feared / loved you should choose to be feared, however I don't think the world is that black and white. I think that its possible, and much more favorable, to be somewhere in between. Plus in the business world, people very often tend to favor people they get on with. Unless you really are incredible at your job, top of your field and people don't have a choice but to work with you, you're probably going to lose out to someone who is easier to get on with.

    I don't see how I have misinterpreted what Whorace is saying. Explicitly he is encouraging people to be intimidating:

    I don't think confidence is a mindset, confidence is achieved through awareness of results reached by aggression, that one day you snap at someone and they do what you say you realise how much of the world actually resolves around the guy who dares open his mouth and say what everyone else is thinking but won't due to cowardice.
    It can do yes, tell me Mr Quiet does your current approach make you as respected by your peers as those aggressive clowns
    I agree with the fact that people should be sharing their thoughts and that people pay more attention to those that do. But I fail to see how that is aggressive, yet being aggressive is mentioned several times.

    I don't see how the study is relevant, I'm in no way suggesting that everyone should be meek and have no confidence in order to succeed. You can be confident without being aggressive and snapping at everyone.

    Sorry for hijacking the thread OP.
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    (Original post by royal1990)
    I basically have like an innate lack of self confidence in myself as a person. This stems from being born with a disability, and being different and all the obstacles that come with this.

    I was bullied, ridiculed, and had a difficult upbringing, single parent household, father cheated on mum, I was wheelchair bound and mum had to care for me, brother was hyperactive, aggressive and violent to me at young a age. My step father was physically and emotionally abusive. I was told I'd never walk again (due to disability), or go to a normal school, or even do well in school. Father then died when I was 14. At school, I was called ugly, spaz, spaker and all the horrible names.

    Fast forward 10-15yrs, I'm career driven and ambitous, I can now walk and do many of the things I never thought possible, I have a fiancée and in a long term relationship, I'm pretty intelligent, and I have a 2:1 hons degree.

    Despite all of this, and the fact I've had about a years worth of private psychotherapy, routine Counselling at Uni, NHS cbt, and countless visits to GP, I still lack a confidence in my abilities.

    I still feel unworthy, despite many people having a different perspective on me. I still feel all of the emotional pain from it all, and don't believe I'm all that attractive, despite having a partner that tells me differently. I've had the odd person tell me I'm handsome, but I dunno if thats said out of politeness.

    I believe the reason why I'm so ambitous and driven now (or try to be) is out of how I was treated as a child. I've sort of compensated for how I felt as a child and all the traumatic experiences I went through. I wanted to prove a point to everyone.

    What can I do?
    The only way to build self confidence is to push yourself out of your comfort zone and to actually DO things. Do something you wouldn't normally do. Be brave. I don't know what constitutes as a comfort zone to you but identify it and when you have, put yourself in situations you wouldn't normally out of fear. Conquer fear and you will conquer everything else and gain self confidence. Take risks
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    "Believe in yourself or no one else will" remember that quote because it's working for me as I have confidence issues too.
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    (Original post by High Stakes)
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    Respected can be earned through a number of different ways. Machiavelli would disagree with you.

    Obviously though I think you're misinterpreting what Whorace is saying. He isn't encouraging being intimidating or unapproachable. The world pays a lot more attention to people who say what's on their minds. I think a social study revealed that people would tend to gravitate towards individuals who spoke confidently even if they were wrong, as opposed to people who fumbled their words and spoke softly - although correct.
    "resolves around the guy who dares open his mouth and say what everyone else is thinking "

    Good luck if what you are thinking is racist or is somehow fundamentally at odds with the mission of who you are working for. Expressing animal rights issues all the time at a research company that does a lot of animal testing is likely to not make you popular if you are acting like an actavist over it. No matter how confident and how well you express yourself and have amazing debating skills.
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    (Original post by whorace)
    It can do yes, tell me Mr Quiet does your current approach make you as respected by your peers as those aggressive clowns? I doubt it.
    You don't know anything about me. One of the senior managers was pretty quite at my first place of work. My immediate superior was a loud mouth that pissed people off. As was someone on my level who was always chatting ****. There is no way he would have gone up to be manager. Plus I doubt any of the women had any chance of being a manager there no matter how good they were. Most of my peers seemed to like me. Not that that means much.

    Being quiet does not mean no confidence or authority. My problems have nothing to do with me being quite per say. If I was more confident I would not all of a sudden turn into someone else who feels the need to dominate every single group discussion, meeting or people in general etc.

    There are no hard set rules to this, the above would probably make me unsuitable to certain jobs or certain work cultures, but then I don't want to be in those positions. If for some reason I was ever hiring someone to work for me the values you express as being important would probably put me of hiring someone.
 
 
 
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