Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Confused, (EX)boyfriends Depressed and has broken up with me... watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Back story:
    Me and my ex have had a really good and bad relationship. After the our 'kind of' break up in December, was when we were super happier afterwards as this was the first time we actual really opened about everything and what had to be changed to make it work. We both said we felt so so happy about us, and everything seemed to be moving a lot more forward.

    Now the actual problem: When it got to end of Feb and Early March 2016, he became distant again, and to me he particularly withdraw. He said he feels depressed, two weeks before the break up, and said he's sorry for any **** things he's said to me. We talked about getting some help and he seemed optimistic.

    This drastically changed about a week ago, where he accused me of lying and then apologised. The next day he said he couldn't connect and communicate with me anymore, and he knows he should do lovey-dovey things because he can't. He doesn't know how he feels, he was like my emotions keep changing. He keeps saying ' you deserve better' , 'its not you, its me' and he needs to sort his head out he feels confused, and doesn't want to hurt me, its making him feel guilty. He didnt want to break up at the time and said he needed to focus on his studies, and perhaps we should just go more slower, as in dates every so often. I agreed.

    However by the end of the week, it was like i was forced into breaking up with him (If i didnt do it, he would) and he feel so sorry, he didnt want things to end like this, he didnt want things to end. I still love him, but he doesn't know what he wants, and I don't think a relationship right now is going to benefit me or him. I want him to get better, and space would be ideal. I wanted to help and support him, just as much as he's been there for me when I was depressed.

    He has exams looming and assignments due, his mum is moving to a different part of the country (so no longer will be able to see his mum or live in the house they live when he goes home for the summer, where he works in a pub), and of course he's depressed. He said he feels hopeless right now. He did say he loves me and it hurts on the phone once, and maybe he does truly love me, but he just can't feel it right now. He said he can't think positively, and because we have had negative times in the past, he keeps remembering them and will project it on to me in the present.

    Whats your best advice on what to do? He wants to remain friends when I'm ready, because he doesn't want to feel like he's lost everything, I never wanted this to happen and struggling to understand whats going on ? I really don't want this to be the end.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    bump
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    To me he seems a bit confused about what he wants. He either loves you or he doesn't, there is no in-between. He's probably saying he doesn't know or no he doesn't love you, because he doesn't want to lead you on, he clearly cares about you to some degree. Give him the space he needs, and try cut off contact, so he can have time to figure out if he doesn't have feelings or at least give him time to miss you...
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I'm having some similar issues with my boyfriend at the moment.

    He keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants. We agreed to not talk for a week so he could sort his feelings out and he has been texting me quite a bit now saying he misses me.

    I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I definitely wouldn't stay friends with him it will just make it harder to move on


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    May I ask about your reason for making this thread..

    He's gone .. He ' s gone.. bygones.
    • Very Important Poster
    Online

    19
    Very Important Poster
    He sounds all over the place. there is no solution at the moment because he doesnt know what he wants himself.

    Imo

    Give him space so he can do his exams.

    Tell him not to worry you can still be friends without any pressure, but for now he needs yo focus on his exams and relaxing/ not geting stressed.
    If he's depressed he should go and see his GP.

    You are overthinking it, just let him figure it out himself, no guilt, no worry. Agree to look at it again after the exams. You cna decide if you wnat to keep in contact during, but you seem to wind each other up at the moment. If you dont stand back from it you will continue to wind each other up which is a lot of wasted angst and effort.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    As someone who has depression I have been in the situation where my emotions or lack of have pushed people unintentionally away. It was difficult when i first got together with my boyfriend because he had never experienced this type of behaviour before. In my experience I go through a period of self hatred and deliberately pushing people away because i felt like i didn't deserve it. Although, i haven't broken up with my boyfriend i have felt from those low moments that if i did i would have space to think and despite wanting him to be there all the time. I felt the longer he was here 'dealing' with this, the more i was affecting him and getting in the way of his life. i also, felt that maybe he was staying because he felt uncomfortable to leave , hence why he probably wanted you to make a move so it wasn't him forcing you, it was that it would be your decision to leave and not as a result of him and his choices.
    It's hard when feeling low because you so desperately want to be present and feel something other than sadness and worthlessness and you want to be considerate of others that it comes across as selfish decisions forced upon you. Give him his space, he may be fine in a few days and want to sort things out. Just be sure to keep an eye on him as again, in my experience, part of my depression was wanting people to want to help without asking for it. again, selfish I know. It's uncontrollable.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Danielle94)
    As someone who has depression I have been in the situation where my emotions or lack of have pushed people unintentionally away. It was difficult when i first got together with my boyfriend because he had never experienced this type of behaviour before. In my experience I go through a period of self hatred and deliberately pushing people away because i felt like i didn't deserve it. Although, i haven't broken up with my boyfriend i have felt from those low moments that if i did i would have space to think and despite wanting him to be there all the time. I felt the longer he was here 'dealing' with this, the more i was affecting him and getting in the way of his life. i also, felt that maybe he was staying because he felt uncomfortable to leave , hence why he probably wanted you to make a move so it wasn't him forcing you, it was that it would be your decision to leave and not as a result of him and his choices.
    It's hard when feeling low because you so desperately want to be present and feel something other than sadness and worthlessness and you want to be considerate of others that it comes across as selfish decisions forced upon you. Give him his space, he may be fine in a few days and want to sort things out. Just be sure to keep an eye on him as again, in my experience, part of my depression was wanting people to want to help without asking for it. again, selfish I know. It's uncontrollable.
    I completely agree he is all over the place with his emotions. He recently messaged me and at the end of the conversation he stated the reason for breaking up is basically I can't cope with a relationship anymore on top of everything . However he still says he has a lot of feelings and is trying to avoid me till I guess they pass. At the same time he kind of contradicts himself because he doesn't know if he loves me or not.
    • Very Important Poster
    Online

    19
    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I completely agree he is all over the place with his emotions. He recently messaged me and at the end of the conversation he stated the reason for breaking up is basically I can't cope with a relationship anymore on top of everything . However he still says he has a lot of feelings and is trying to avoid me till I guess they pass. At the same time he kind of contradicts himself because he doesn't know if he loves me or not.
    Why waste time trying to solve it here and now? He probably doesnt know himself and he cnat cope. Just take a time out and focus on your exams, him being able to deal with his depression and have some space. He will still be there after the exams.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: March 12, 2016
Poll
Do you agree with the PM's proposal to cut tuition fees for some courses?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.