The Student Room Group

Need to get this off my chest

My boyfriend is a chef and has been ever since i met him, in the early days it was never really an issue because he was only a commis and seemed to have lots of time off so we could see each other. Over the past three years he has moved up considerably, now to sous chef and his hours have also increased, this isn't really the problem though! I have got use to when i see him and when i don't and we tend to make the best of it.

However, he has recently started a new job, which pays really well and is close to where we live. The idea is he continues to work here for however long and can keep our rented flat when i go to uni in October, obviously giving me a home to return to in the holidays. Oh and he can keep our cat too!!

Now yesterday he decide to apply to a 2 Michelin star restaurant in Cambridge, about an hour from where we live. He has been offered a trial shift (basically an intervie where you cook and they see if you're any good) This is obviously fantastic for his careere but i'm not sure he would be able to cope with all that travelling after working so many hours in the kitchen so may have to move - probably into a bed sit, which i wouldn't be able yto go back to in my Uni breaks.

Ok so the main issue... we were talking about all this and he said something i never expected to hear, he said that in the future if it turned out he had to choose between career and our relationship he thinks he would have to choose his job! Now that really threw me especially as we have been living togethger 2 and a half years and been together 3 years. We had always planned our future together and discussed what we would do etc! It just seems now he is considering this move to Cambridge he is already on his way to persuing his career and has said his next step would be London - even further away!

Sorry if this is totally stupid, i just had to get it off my chest! Am i over-reacting to what is inevitable anyway?

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Kidders

Ok so the main issue... we were talking about all this and he said something i never expected to hear, he said that in the future if it turned out he had to choose between career and our relationship he thinks he would have to choose his job! Now that really threw me especially as we have been living togethger 2 and a half years and been together 3 years. We had always planned our future together and discussed what we would do etc! It just seems now he is considering this move to Cambridge he is already on his way to persuing his career and has said his next step would be London - even further away!

Sorry if this is totally stupid, i just had to get it off my chest! Am i over-reacting to what is inevitable anyway?

If you're moving to Uni to persue your future career why can't he choose his?

I think he's 100% right here. Just because you've lasted 3 years doesn't mean you'll last forever and a brilliant career is going to be more important and valuable in the long run then a relationship that doesn't support his career. Careers are for life.
Reply 2
It sounds heartless, but he has probably just realistically considered that most relationships between people of school/college age don't last forever and ever, so he's weighed up which is going to be more important in the long-run and decided it's his career. Fairly cold and emotionless, yes, but if he stays in the same town, lets his career stagnate and then you two broke up he would be several years older and rue the missed chances he had.
Reply 3
I do support his career and always have, but it really does have its drawbacks as well in terms of having both (career and relationship) There are many jobs that are able to happily combine the two, but it does seem this profession postively discourages it!

You are right to say i am going to Uni to persue my career and therefore he has the right to do the same thing, however i had always thought we were on the same page when it came to being able to do both. As in my choosen career path and future has him in it too, but it seems (potentially) his does not.

3232 - I totally understand what you say, i think it is probably how he is feeling. And it is true our town and surrounding area is really crap for catering oportunities- shame though because we have supported each other this far it seems a shame it could all disintergrate over a job!

Oh and he is 23, i'm 19 - so he was a bit older than school age when we first met
3232
It sounds heartless, but he has probably just realistically considered that most relationships between people of school/college age don't last forever and ever, so he's weighed up which is going to be more important in the long-run and decided it's his career. Fairly cold and emotionless, yes, but if he stays in the same town, lets his career stagnate and then you two broke up he would be several years older and rue the missed chances he had.



Agreed. I like the way you think.
Reply 5
I think you're making the distance into a bigger problem than it is - some of us have partners in different countries and we make it work, so you and your boyfriend can make yours work too regardless of where you both are for career, uni etc.

I also think he's right to do what he can to advance his career. You also can't seem to see the wood for the trees! He hasn't even got this job yet and you're already focusing on all the what-ifs. Wait until he gets the job and then take the details one tiny baby step at a time.
Reply 6
.... You like that way of thinking?
It's being a realist. I like realists.
Reply 8
Angelil
I think you're making the distance into a bigger problem than it is - some of us have partners in different countries and we make it work, so you and your boyfriend can make yours work too regardless of where you both are for career, uni etc.

I also think he's right to do what he can to advance his career. You also can't seem to see the wood for the trees! He hasn't even got this job yet and you're already focusing on all the what-ifs. Wait until he gets the job and then take the details one tiny baby step at a time.



Yeah you're right, i do tend to do this, worry over the things i think will happen, not necessarily what has happened! Crazy!!

It was mostly the thing he said about job over me, i guess it does make sense, but i honestly never thought he felt that way, probably too naiively!


Ginger Rogers - Where's the fun in being realistic all the time? I get what 3232 is saying though and it is deffinitly applicable here i think, but doesn't make it a thing to like..?
Reply 9
coloursonthetv

I think he's 100% right here. Just because you've lasted 3 years doesn't mean you'll last forever and a brilliant career is going to be more important and valuable in the long run then a relationship that doesn't support his career. Careers are for life.


Hear Hear :smile:
I like the way he thinks. I've noticed he is realistic in a lot of his posts, and doesn't pander to the whims of the O/P.

It isn't fun being realistic in all situations, but in this one, I think it is needed.
Reply 11
Are you completely sure that he actually means what he said, that he would choose his career over you? In practice, i think he would find that difficult, especially since you have been together so long.

And as for "careers are life, relaitionships are not" speak, then i'm afraid i am going to have to disagree with that. Careers are important. So are relationships. If you really love someone, you have to reach a compromise.

You can't just let one superceed the other. I really do have a lot of sympathy for you, and it's not as clear cut as everyone is saying.

Can you not stay together and weather the distance?I know it's easier said than done, but i'm in a long distance relaitionship and we are extremely close. It is a test but rewarding, we can tell each other anything and everything-and at the beginning we had to, otherwise it wouldn't have worked out. Now we do because we want to.We speak every day and see each other roughly every two weeks.

It's not ideal, but we know it's worth it. I really wish you the best of luck; i hope you can reach a compromise and work something out. At the end of the day you can't stop him though. Supporting him maybe the thing that draws you even closer, he will realise you and your understanding is invaluable.
Reply 12
Dac_10
Hear Hear :smile:



Except careers are not always for life... especially not cheffing, most stop in their 40's, if they are the lucky few they have restaurants, if not they do soemthing else - like teach at a catering college etc. Or career changes for other reasons do occur too.
Reply 13
Being an idealist is fine for some things, but when you're making decisions which might affect your whole life you have to be realistic. Put it this way, what if you went to university and was headhunted to do your ideal job in your favourite part of the world, all for a nice 6-figure salary - if you think about that objectively, would you really give all that up for one person (who you may break up with in a couple of years anyway)?
Reply 14
Nicky!: Thanks :smile: I know lots of cuples make long term relationships work and i had always assumed i'd be one of them, but my boyfriend possibly thinks differently! I was willing to do anything to make our relationship work and have had many things in the past that threatened to ruin it, but we got over them. I am going to Southampton University and i said that in my 2nd and 3rd year we could rent our own place and the distance to London isn't that great, he could do that, but he really didn't seem keen!

I hope we can work it out though!


3232: That's true, but i would maybe think of a way round it, possibly see if he could come too or whatever. I know in practice things don't always go to plan, but for him to say this now after all we have been through it just came as a shock. Especially as up to this point we knew i was going to uni and had decided we would stay together as our relationship didn't have to suffer as a result of it.
Reply 15
He didn't say you wouldn't stay together, all he's saying is he won't compromise his career for you. So he won't stay in the same town, or even near just so you can see him, he'll go wherever his career needs him to go. That doesn't mean your relationship will be over or that a way for it to work can't be found, it just simply means he won't sacrifice his career for it to work.
Nicky!
Are you completely sure that he actually means what he said, that he would choose his career over you? In practice, i think he would find that difficult, especially since you have been together so long.

And as for "careers are life, relaitionships are not" speak, then i'm afraid i am going to have to disagree with that. Careers are important. So are relationships. If you really love someone, you have to reach a compromise.

You can't just let one superceed the other. I really do have a lot of sympathy for you, and it's not as clear cut as everyone is saying.

A career is more important than a relationship that will not support said career. If I encountered a great career opportunity but a relationship was holding me back or wanted my full attention and wouldn't last a distance then I'd cut loose.
coloursonthetv
If you're moving to Uni to persue your future career why can't he choose his?

QUOTE]

She's right.

Youre going away to university for three years minimum and youre complaining about your boyfriend, who may be moving away for he's new job.

Youre saying one thing, but doing the same thing your!
Reply 18
I suppose, but don;t sacrifices need to made sometimes? Compromise etc?
I get the feeling you think i'm being unreasonable, but obviously i can only see it as i see it and i think what he implied was that there may be a time where he will have to end the relationship to persue his career as having a relationship offers extra strains he may not be able to deal with in a high pressured job.

I do hope you're right though and he only meant that his career is important to him, meaning he wont stay where he is for me.. not that i ever asked him too - my only ask is that we try to stay together and work at the long distance relationship ratehr than throw in the towel just beacuse we never see each other.
Reply 19
yeahyeahyeahs
coloursonthetv
If you're moving to Uni to persue your future career why can't he choose his?

QUOTE]

She's right.

Youre going away to university for three years minimum and youre complaining about your boyfriend, who may be moving away for he's new job.

Youre saying one thing, but doing the same thing your![/
QUOTE]

Not quite, he was asked to move with me form the start, he choose not to saying it would be easier tfor me to settle into uni life if i could live in halls. I asked him to then consider moving when i start my second year and i move into rented property he could move in too.

I have told him i would go to our local uni, he said no go to one you actually want to go to.

It is not one thing for him and one rule for me at all - you seem to be missing the point, it is not about who moves where, it is about the fact he is already staring to choose big career moves and has said he would choose his job over our relationship. A i mentioned, i al happy for him to move to whereevr his job takes him, however i had also anticipated me being there with him.