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Mate needs help, what to do? watch

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    Hey Guys;

    Warning: Wall of text incoming.

    Well, a a mate of mine is having a really difficult time right now.
    He's just started his first relationship almost 2 months ago (well, 2 months tomorrow) and he is in his second year of uni (Studying Biomed) and will be turning 21 on Monday. Anyway, we've recently gotten really close and I've known him for the last 2.5 years.

    It's got to the point where he will literally tell me anything because he says he tells me more than he does his parents and girlfriend. Anyway, he completely broke down on Tuesday in front of me and was in tears for around half hour.
    It all came out at once after it has become apparent this year that, without my help he is failing in the course. He tried to convince his housemates to let me live with him next year but they wouldn't have any of it, for whatever reason it is they completely hate me.

    Anyway, he says he is constantly made to feel like the bad guy in his relationship and if he doesn't respond to her texts, she has a go at him. From what I've heard, she has been through a lot they argue regularly. He asked me what he should do and I said I would talk to him about this when he was in a calmer state of mind but I said "if you love her, go for it but to me, it sounds more like you're being bullied.". He's known this girl for the last 4 years.

    The point is, I don't think he can juggle both his relationship and his degree and, I don't want to sound like an ass but, it sounds like he's a victim than a boyfriend half of the time and yes, he shows me the texts they send each other and not in a bragging way.
    She still talks to her exes and even flirts with them by text (seen a snapchat of this convo she sent him) and is worried she is going to cheat on him because she's had around 4-5 exes and those are the ones he knows about.

    To make things even more difficult, he knows I fancy him (yes, I'm gay) and he's known for just over a year now. Whether or not this makes it any easier on him I don't know but there's no way of putting that back in the bag now.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey Guys;

    Warning: Wall of text incoming.

    Well, a a mate of mine is having a really difficult time right now.
    He's just started his first relationship almost 2 months ago (well, 2 months tomorrow) and he is in his second year of uni (Studying Biomed) and will be turning 21 on Monday. Anyway, we've recently gotten really close and I've known him for the last 2.5 years.

    It's got to the point where he will literally tell me anything because he says he tells me more than he does his parents and girlfriend. Anyway, he completely broke down on Tuesday in front of me and was in tears for around half hour.
    It all came out at once after it has become apparent this year that, without my help he is failing in the course. He tried to convince his housemates to let me live with him next year but they wouldn't have any of it, for whatever reason it is they completely hate me.

    Anyway, he says he is constantly made to feel like the bad guy in his relationship and if he doesn't respond to her texts, she has a go at him. From what I've heard, she has been through a lot they argue regularly. He asked me what he should do and I said I would talk to him about this when he was in a calmer state of mind but I said "if you love her, go for it but to me, it sounds more like you're being bullied.". He's known this girl for the last 4 years.

    The point is, I don't think he can juggle both his relationship and his degree and, I don't want to sound like an ass but, it sounds like he's a victim than a boyfriend half of the time and yes, he shows me the texts they send each other and not in a bragging way.
    She still talks to her exes and even flirts with them by text (seen a snapchat of this convo she sent him) and is worried she is going to cheat on him because she's had around 4-5 exes and those are the ones he knows about.

    To make things even more difficult, he knows I fancy him (yes, I'm gay) and he's known for just over a year now. Whether or not this makes it any easier on him I don't know but there's no way of putting that back in the bag now.
    What's the question?
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    (Original post by PikahBoo)
    What's the question?
    Basically, what should I do?
    He says he wants to talk about this because he can't talk to anyone else about this.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Basically, what should I do?
    He says he wants to talk about this because he can't talk to anyone else about this.
    Tell him to man up, this is what happens to beta makes. He's getting used and abused. Tell him to end it, if she really loves him, she will show it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Basically, what should I do?
    He says he wants to talk about this because he can't talk to anyone else about this.
    Don't be a **** and actually be supportive?

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    Support him, even if that means just being somebody to talk to. You can't make the decision for him, but you can give him your advice and just be there for him.
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    (Original post by Andy98)
    Don't be a **** and actually be supportive?

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    I have been, hence the reason why he trusts me completely.
    Point is, I don't quite know how to phrase it without sounding bias given how I feel and I just want what's best for him.
    Thing is, he feels like he's constantly made to feel like the bad guy, because of him trying to show how much he cares, he's not spending so much time on coursework/revision and is failing his course and his parents are constantly going on about him finding a placement next year.

    He's got way to much to deal with right now.
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    (Original post by Rara Diaz)
    Tell him that at this point his degree is more important than anything in his life right now because 10 years down the line, that's what will keep him up on his two feet. Girls come and go.
    He knows that his degree is important but he's afraid if he lets her go, he'll never get her back and he's even told me if she does cheat on him, he feels like he will never go back into a relationship again because he's tried too hard for too long.
    Hence the snapchat.

    Thing is, like I said he's failing. Just before Christmas, he handed in some coursework which gave him his highest mark of 58 (and that was with my help, even though I was only given around 4 hours notice), I know this was before his relationship started but I strongly believe he was thinking too much about asking her out.

    Anyway, point is he failed both his exams in January (33 and 27 respectively) and without anyone's help, is on the boarderline of failing. Even with his dad's help in the statistics part of the coursework (20% of his whole degree) he only managed 43%.

    So, I managed to convince him this won't keep happening convince him to give it another try but, this is in a module I'm not doing (He's doing Microbiology and I'm doing Med Chem) and so I can't help him and, if things go badly I'm honestly scared he will have to retake the year.
    This coursework is worth 37.5% of the entire module. He honestly relies on his coursework getting him through the exams. His highest exam mark ever last year (First year which is a lot easier than what we are doing now) was 50.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have been, hence the reason why he trusts me completely.
    Point is, I don't quite know how to phrase it without sounding bias given how I feel and I just want what's best for him.
    Thing is, he feels like he's constantly made to feel like the bad guy, because of him trying to show how much he cares, he's not spending so much time on coursework/revision and is failing his course and his parents are constantly going on about him finding a placement next year.

    He's got way to much to deal with right now.
    What do you want to tell him?

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    (Original post by Andy98)
    What do you want to tell him?

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    What I want to tell him is I think he is better off without her but, I am worried I will seem like an absolute *ick because its been a while but not long enough to class it is a proper relationship and could pass it off as a fling and not think too much of it.

    That and also where we were housemates last year, his parents keep comparing his marks to mine which are 2 classes apart (I am getting 60s/70s), I keep telling him not to compare himself to others but he keeps doing it.

    In short, get rid of her, try and do better and start revising NOW. Once his grades go up, I know for a fact his confidence will grow and everything will be on the right track again. Thing is, like I said, he's spending too much time with her.

    Facetimes her for 2/3 hours a night after the 3 hour lectures we have which often finish about 5 (He facetimes her from 7-10pm) and she then goes to work (she's also a uni student but at a different uni) and, after that time he's too tired to do any work himself.
    It's got to the point where he's almost doing his work last minute and I don't want him throwing away 3 years of his life for the sake of this girl who he's not even sure he can trust.
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    She sounds like a nasty idiot, don't be too hard on your mate it sounds like she's an expert on stringing guys along, but he's got to stand up for himself. He's got to be able to walk away from this with as little damage as possible, that way he can get the power to make demands of her.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What I want to tell him is I think he is better off without her but, I am worried I will seem like an absolute *ick because its been a while but not long enough to class it is a proper relationship and could pass it off as a fling and not think too much of it.

    That and also where we were housemates last year, his parents keep comparing his marks to mine which are 2 classes apart (I am getting 60s/70s), I keep telling him not to compare himself to others but he keeps doing it.

    In short, get rid of her, try and do better and start revising NOW. Once his grades go up, I know for a fact his confidence will grow and everything will be on the right track again. Thing is, like I said, he's spending too much time with her.

    Facetimes her for 2/3 hours a night after the 3 hour lectures we have which often finish about 5 (He facetimes her from 7-10pm) and she then goes to work (she's also a uni student but at a different uni) and, after that time he's too tired to do any work himself.
    It's got to the point where he's almost doing his work last minute and I don't want him throwing away 3 years of his life for the sake of this girl who he's not even sure he can trust.
    Just tell him how you feel then

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    stop interfering in his personal problems especially when you fancy him so you're obviously biased against his girlfriend
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    stop interfering in his personal problems especially when you fancy him so you're obviously biased against his girlfriend
    Lol, he's coming to me asking for help and genuine advice here. He clearly trusts my judgement and I still stick with my judgement on I just want him to be happy. I am actually encouraging this, him being with her.
    However, it was only when I saw him break down in front of me did I realise he wasn't entirely happy with this relationship. I want it to work but, not at the expense of him probably being happier by himself/with someone else.

    Yes, I would obviously prefer him to be with me but, I've accepted this can't happen a LONG time ago.
 
 
 
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