University is a place of study - but some things you can't learn in books. After a pretty lengthy teenage romance, I've struggled to get back in to the swing of dating and I'm extremely cynical about love - it seems impossible to define and I don't know if I'll recognize it if/when it happens.
I thought I would post this here to get the opinions of fellow students of life, if there's anything you can recommend I read or study to try and figure out how to find and recognize love, that would be great. And the broader question, I guess, is what is love?
As university is a melting pot of high-brow learning and relationship building, as well as the sexual and romantic tension that seems to come with youth and freedom, I thought this would be the best place to ask.
Is anyone else struggling to find love? Watch
- Thread Starter
- 11-03-2016 13:55
- 11-03-2016 13:59
I definitely have.
- 11-03-2016 14:47
A lot of people seek relationships for one of the following reasons
1) as a cure to their loneliness
2) as a way to achieve validation (feeling desired, wanted or otherwise significant)
Both those options involve using someone else as a way to increase your own self worth, and as a result those relationships are built on neediness (whether or not its apparent), desperation and fear of loneliness. You need to be with that person (because you yourself are not sufficient: you need the validation of the relationship and affection from someone else to feel meaningful.)
This lack of emotional independence is what ultimately dooms any relationship. A relationship will never work unless both parties are completely self reliant and emotionally independent. When you find true mutual love with someone, its built on respect for each other, compassion, and a genuine awareness of each other's value. You want to be together.
Many people take that for granted and It's why you'll see the same boring stories of failed relationships: "boyfriend is too needy", "girlfriend gets jealous", "girlfriend doesn't talk to me", "boyfriend caught cheating".
You should never need to be with someone, you should want to. This distinction between want and need is the thing that most people don't understand. When you truly love and are loved by someone, the emotional bond is genuine and your affection keeps you together - you want to be together. But when you're lacking in emotional independence you need to be with them, all the love (or infatuation) you feel will always be based on seeking validation, seeking affection, seeking something in order to boost your own self worth or protect you from loneliness.
The key to loving someone is very simple: Be enough for yourselfIt's somewhat similar to that cliche idea of "not being able to love others until you truly love yourself." But that in itself isn't very accurate. The truth is that no one will ever love you the way you want to be loved, you will love others the way you want to be loved and they will love you the way they want to be loved: mutual love is the equilibrium between that.
You have to be emotionally independent. Learn how to 'want' things and not 'need' them. Learn how to be enough for yourself.You shouldn't need other people to validate you, you shouldn't be afraid of being alone. Your own company should be enough and therelationships that you form should be a positive expansion of your life and not a way of completing yourself in the first place.
Successful relationships will always be between people who want to be together, not people who 'need' to.