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Would you lose respect for a partner if this happened? watch

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    My now ex treated me pretty awfully when we broke up. We headed off to different universities with promises of love and fideility, after a really intense 6 months together, only for her to cheat after only 2 weeks. She then acted incredibly coldly towards me during the break. I was heartbroken obviously but didn't fly off the handle when we ended things, just kept my composure and tried to make it amicable.

    In the months following, we talked occasionally (always her prompting), before I told her that I wanted to move on, was seeing someone else and defriended her on Facebook. I also told a friend that I thought she might have an issue/personality disorder because of her poor behaviour, which subsequently got back to her.

    Long story short, 6 months later we reconnected. She apologised for all that had happened, for the way she behaved and said that she realised how badly she had behaved. I was still hung up on her, but didn't want to make this apparent, so rather than say "yeah, you acted terribly", I went with "I understand; it was just uni". We slept together on that occasion, but I still feel I was too weak with her, particularly considering that she had just heard of the personality disorder suggestion (which I truthfully told her I no longer believed).

    Ever since, we have maintained occasional contact (I always leave her to make the first move) and she has now asked to meet up. Sometimes she will make slightly disrespectful comments when we chat, so rather than dignify them, I ignore them or come back with something witty, but I wonder whether she doesn't respect me for whatever reason.

    It seems too late now to stress how badly she acted and would likely only do so if there was a suggestion of a second go at things, although I think this is unlikely. Would you respect a partner who behaved as I have less? For still being willing to see/talk to you & for not getting angry/having a go at any point?
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    You wonder why she doesn't respect you for whatever reason? Maybe because she slept with someone behind your back, left you and then you went crawling back into her bed six months later? I wouldn't respect someone that allowed themselves to be treated that way either. You've taught her she can do wtf she likes and get away with it.
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    i would never go back to someone who cheats. once a cheater always a cheater.
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    Haha the classic 'I cheated, you didn't do anything so it's your fault argument' - Nothing wrong with you OP you have a very forgiving nature. She's a ***** and if she speaks out of line again don't hesitate to complain about her loose morals, that's clearly not the only loose thing.
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    (Original post by mkap)
    if your stringing her along when you know she has feelings for you i would lose respect for you. not cool.
    Am I?? If anything she's stringing me along...
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    (Original post by Katarvi)
    You wonder why she doesn't respect you for whatever reason? Maybe because she slept with someone behind your back, left you and then you went crawling back into her bed six months later? I wouldn't respect someone that allowed themselves to be treated that way either. You've taught her she can do wtf she likes and get away with it.
    Perhaps. Although, couples do reconcile after cheating, it is possible, so surely this can't completely destroy the respect?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Am I?? If anything she's stringing me along...
    haha calm down i read it wrong. i would just break up with her. i would never go back to someone who cheats. once a cheater always a cheater.
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    (Original post by whorace)
    Haha the classic 'I cheated, you didn't do anything so it's your fault argument' - Nothing wrong with you OP you have a very forgiving nature. She's a ***** and if she speaks out of line again don't hesitate to complain about her loose morals, that's clearly not the only loose thing.
    I tried to see the best in her, even after this, as I chose to believe that the girl I knew was the real her - the version she became after leaving for uni I chose to believe was simply an immature individual who got swayed by uni. Do you think I made mistakes here in the way I behaved?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Perhaps. Although, couples do reconcile after cheating, it is possible, so surely this can't completely destroy the respect?
    I've stayed with someone after they cheated and we made it work for a time but in the end the lack of trust kills it. Could you really trust her not to sleep with some other guy while she's back at uni again? She knows you're a pushover now and won't fail to take full advantage of that. I personally think you're better off without.
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    Don't be a cuck, if a partner cheats then it is bye bye for them.
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    (Original post by Katarvi)
    I've stayed with someone after they cheated and we made it work for a time but in the end the lack of trust kills it. Could you really trust her not to sleep with some other guy while she's back at uni again? She knows you're a pushover now and won't fail to take full advantage of that. I personally think you're better off without.
    I hoped that the fact that I quickly moved on to someone else, told her I didn't want to talk, ignored her for about 6 months and then suggested she had issues would have avoided the pushover appearance. Do you think not?

    Well that's it, if we were to get back together I would make a stronger show of telling her exactly how badly she acted and that if anything of a similar nature happened again it would be over for good.

    In terms of crawling back, she asked to meet to apologise, I agreed and then she made the moves, so I hoped it wouldn't appear as such.
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    (Original post by Dinasaurus)
    Don't be a cuck, if a partner cheats then it is bye bye for them.
    In fairness, this is exactly how I always felt in the past. Now that I've experienced it, however, I can understand why some people find it possible to forgive.
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    (Original post by Katarvi)
    You wonder why she doesn't respect you for whatever reason? Maybe because she slept with someone behind your back, left you and then you went crawling back into her bed six months later? I wouldn't respect someone that allowed themselves to be treated that way either. You've taught her she can do wtf she likes and get away with it.
    (Original post by mkap)
    i would never go back to someone who cheats. once a cheater always a cheater.
    (Original post by whorace)
    Haha the classic 'I cheated, you didn't do anything so it's your fault argument' - Nothing wrong with you OP you have a very forgiving nature. She's a ***** and if she speaks out of line again don't hesitate to complain about her loose morals, that's clearly not the only loose thing.
    PRSOM
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    In fairness, this is exactly how I always felt in the past. Now that I've experienced it, however, I can understand why some people find it possible to forgive.
    It's not easy to do, I think you are very strong for forgiving, much better than she is. But you have to do the right thing here.
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    why on earth are you still in contact? she clearly hasn't changed if she's making nasty comments
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    why on earth are you still in contact? she clearly hasn't changed if she's making nasty comments
    Who knows - nostalgia maybe? Or remaining feelings. I haven't made any effort to stay in contact with her, but she keeps checking in, keeps suggesting meetups etc. Has now said it would be "nice to spend more time together".
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I hoped that the fact that I quickly moved on to someone else, told her I didn't want to talk, ignored her for about 6 months and then suggested she had issues would have avoided the pushover appearance. Do you think not?

    Well that's it, if we were to get back together I would make a stronger show of telling her exactly how badly she acted and that if anything of a similar nature happened again it would be over for good.

    In terms of crawling back, she asked to meet to apologise, I agreed and then she made the moves, so I hoped it wouldn't appear as such.
    Why did you need to meet up with her to get her apology? Couldn't she or shouldn't she have said it sooner? You didn't owe her anything, you didn't have to meet with her for an apology, which is bs actually - she used that as a way to manipulate you into meeting up with her to try and reel you back in. You undid all that hard work not talking to her and moving on by sleeping with her that night, if I'm honest.

    Saying "if we were to get back together" negates "I would make a stronger show of telling her how badly she acted". She knows how badly she acted, she cheated on you, the stronger show of telling her how bad she acted would be not to get back with her.

    It's your choice but trust me it will not end well.
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    (Original post by Katarvi)
    Why did you need to meet up with her to get her apology? Couldn't she or shouldn't she have said it sooner? You didn't owe her anything, you didn't have to meet with her for an apology, which is bs actually - she used that as a way to manipulate you into meeting up with her to try and reel you back in. You undid all that hard work not talking to her and moving on by sleeping with her that night, if I'm honest.

    Saying "if we were to get back together" negates "I would make a stronger show of telling her how badly she acted". She knows how badly she acted, she cheated on you, the stronger show of telling her how bad she acted would be not to get back with her.

    It's your choice but trust me it will not end well.
    You're probably right. But surely what would affect her most emotionally would be to become important to her once again and then insist upon change or threaten to leave. Plus, in spite of all of this I still genuinely care for her and think I can make her happy - we seemed exceptionally so until we left for uni - she was talking about kids and our lives together etc.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You're probably right. But surely what would affect her most emotionally would be to become important to her once again and then insist upon change or threaten to leave. Plus, in spite of all of this I still genuinely care for her and think I can make her happy - we seemed exceptionally so until we left for uni - she was talking about kids and our lives together etc.
    Well that doesn't sound healthy at all. You cannot make someone change by threatening them, and really if this girl had the cheek to cheat on you the first time then I doubt she's the type to get overly attached the second time around. It's great that you *think* you can make her happy, but fact is it wasn't enough for her six months ago so why would it be now? Things may have been great before uni but you're at uni still right now and will be for the coming years, you can't change that.

    It sounds like you're trying to excuse her behaviour in your mind and you're dealing with it by engaging in manipulative behaviour to try to keep her this time around. Trying to get her to become attached to you then insisting on change won't work, how will you even know if she's sleeping around at uni or not? You won't be there.
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    The problem I have is this - I still really care for her, perhaps foolish but cannot be helped. She always says "can we meet up? Only if you fancy it of course". So I'm left with the choice of not seeing her ever again, or agreeing and losing her respect? Is there any way I could have played this to maintain respect and still see her?
 
 
 
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