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Why do I back out when things get serious?? watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    None of them really wanted any thing to do with me after I broke it off with them so that's not really an option even when I insisted we should stay friends again I expected it. And I do think number 4 is great but I think its very much me that is going to cause the end result to be the same even if I try to go forward. Like others have said my emotional maturity is clearly f*cked up and yes I am scared of commitment. At the beginning its always great and I feel a real connection but then there are these little things later on that make me realise yes its going to end the same unfortunately. Should I just make it clear to him that I want something casual? Although I think he would maybe distance since he's made it clear that he really likes me and wants a relationship etc (And I said me too even though I didn't mean it as usual)

    I dont know why I keep doing this...
    I have no sympathy for you, you need to learn to take responsibility.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    None of them really wanted any thing to do with me after I broke it off with them so that's not really an option even when I insisted we should stay friends again I expected it. And I do think number 4 is great but I think its very much me that is going to cause the end result to be the same even if I try to go forward. Like others have said my emotional maturity is clearly f*cked up and yes I am scared of commitment. At the beginning its always great and I feel a real connection but then there are these little things later on that make me realise yes its going to end the same unfortunately. Should I just make it clear to him that I want something casual? Although I think he would maybe distance since he's made it clear that he really likes me and wants a relationship etc (And I said me too even though I didn't mean it as usual)

    I dont know why I keep doing this...
    First, I wouldn't write any of the first three off, people can and do change and if you can demonstrate that to number 3 (or one of the others for that matter) they may take you back (remember, they had feelings for you at one point) but you would have to make 100% sure that you want that. But that isn't your immediate concern.

    It's good that you have realised that there's an issue here. You have to be honest with the guy you're currently dating, you've said yourself that its not going to go anywhere because you're scared of commitment (that is normal and ok in of itself). However, this guy likes you and you can't build a loving long-term relationship on dishonesty and that's what you're currently doing.

    You know that you want something casual and he wants something serious, its not fair to lead him on and its also not fair to yourself as you can't overcome your emotional immaturity when you're still in a relationship, you simply won't have the space to think or work on yourself. You should end it now as you're not ready and you're also not being fair to him, in fact you're lying to him (also if you're in uni and coming up to exams, its much better for both of you to do it now).

    You mentioned that there are these 'little things later on' which cause you to end your relationships. Without you giving us examples, I would say that as these are 'little things', it seems that once a few months have passed and the 'honeymoon period' has ended, you realise that these guys aren't perfect and they are flawed. The fact is that we're all flawed, yourself included. It sounds like you need time out of a relationship to think and accept your own flaws, so you can accept those in others. It may be a good idea to talk it through with a close friend or even a professional, nobody would know and there's no shame in needing to simply talk it through with someone who can give you some perspective and solutions to your commitment and emotional issues, in order that you can have healthy relationships. And as you said 'you don't know why you keep on doing this', hopefully a professional can give you the answers you need. But first be honest with this guy, end it now and begin to work on yourself, it'll be worth it in the long-run. Hope this helps.
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    You've not been in love.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm going onto my 4th guy currently. I date them, have fun with them (go on dates, do relationship type things etc) and then I get bored and I break up with them. My main goal when going into a relationship or dating someone is to have fun and not be lonely and when things start to get serious or after a couple months that's when I back away. I know what I'm doing subconsciously but I can't really stop myself. In all 3 cases, I've somehow convinced myself that I've liked the guy but then it turns out that I don't. And this 4th guy, I do like him and enjoy having fun with him and the time we spend together but I know its going to end like the others. Although I'm not going to break up with him now despite knowing this. Why do I keep doing this?? Is it that I just haven't found someone I really like or is cause I just don't want to be lonely idk.. Although I feel like number 4 is someone who I should be really compatible with and really into (I can't think of anyone better) but I know its going to end like the others.
    Issues in your childhood/upbringing have made you afraid of commitment and being tied down. This is pretty textbook tbh - have seen it with a lot of people.

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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    First, I wouldn't write any of the first three off, people can and do change and if you can demonstrate that to number 3 (or one of the others for that matter) they may take you back (remember, they had feelings for you at one point) but you would have to make 100% sure that you want that. But that isn't your immediate concern.

    It's good that you have realised that there's an issue here. You have to be honest with the guy you're currently dating, you've said yourself that its not going to go anywhere because you're scared of commitment (that is normal and ok in of itself). However, this guy likes you and you can't build a loving long-term relationship on dishonesty and that's what you're currently doing.

    You know that you want something casual and he wants something serious, its not fair to lead him on and its also not fair to yourself as you can't overcome your emotional immaturity when you're still in a relationship, you simply won't have the space to think or work on yourself. You should end it now as you're not ready and you're also not being fair to him, in fact you're lying to him (also if you're in uni and coming up to exams, its much better for both of you to do it now).

    You mentioned that there are these 'little things later on' which cause you to end your relationships. Without you giving us examples, I would say that as these are 'little things', it seems that once a few months have passed and the 'honeymoon period' has ended, you realise that these guys aren't perfect and they are flawed. The fact is that we're all flawed, yourself included. It sounds like you need time out of a relationship to think and accept your own flaws, so you can accept those in others. It may be a good idea to talk it through with a close friend or even a professional, nobody would know and there's no shame in needing to simply talk it through with someone who can give you some perspective and solutions to your commitment and emotional issues, in order that you can have healthy relationships. And as you said 'you don't know why you keep on doing this', hopefully a professional can give you the answers you need. But first be honest with this guy, end it now and begin to work on yourself, it'll be worth it in the long-run. Hope this helps.
    Thank you for this advice instead of replying microsoft office software >.> I am currently getting professional help but its for another issue and yeah we kind of discussed this but not in detail and in context of other issues not relationships. I would feel awkward explaining the situation because like others have said it is really *****y/awful behaviour. I will definetly try and discuss this with guy number 4 about me not wanting to commit and not being ready for a relationship. And yes then somehow work on myself instead of just temporarily using people to fill some imaginary void.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for this advice instead of replying microsoft office software >.> I am currently getting professional help but its for another issue and yeah we kind of discussed this but not in detail and in context of other issues not relationships. I would feel awkward explaining the situation because like others have said it is really *****y/awful behaviour. I will definetly try and discuss this with guy number 4 about me not wanting to commit and not being ready for a relationship. And yes then somehow work on myself instead of just temporarily using people to fill some imaginary void.
    Happy to help. You're right, it is awkward to discuss but you know for yourself that in order to properly overcome this issue you need to open up and talk about it and someone with an objective outside perspective can then offer advice. Talk to guy number 4 and be 100% honest and open with him, its the right thing to do and what happens happens. Either way, if it works with guy number 4 or you ask number 3 to forgive you or if you even find guy number 5, I hope it all works out for you and that you overcome this Post again if you need.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Happy to help. You're right, it is awkward to discuss but you know for yourself that in order to properly overcome this issue you need to open up and talk about it and someone with an objective outside perspective can then offer advice. Talk to guy number 4 and be 100% honest and open with him, its the right thing to do and what happens happens. Either way, if it works with guy number 4 or you ask number 3 to forgive you or if you even find guy number 5, I hope it all works out for you and that you overcome this Post again if you need.
    Okay that didn't go quite to plan. I ended up just emotionally messing/playing with him for a while and then everything went back to how it was before (playing like I feel the same way as he does etc). However I enjoyed every minute of it although as selfish as that sounds which has made me not want to be honest at all. I was unable to bring up the topic/subject of relationships cause I was too busy distracting myself with other things and it felt too weird/out of place to bring up. Maybe after a few more weeks or months.

    None of number 3, 2 or 1 are going to forgive me and I dont expect them too. I dont want to bring unnecessary turmoil since they have most likely moved on etc

    I'm just really messed up I guess and yes I do need to talk it out with someone to overcome it properly...
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay that didn't go quite to plan. I ended up just emotionally messing/playing with him for a while and then everything went back to how it was before (playing like I feel the same way as he does etc). However I enjoyed every minute of it although as selfish as that sounds which has made me not want to be honest at all. I was unable to bring up the topic/subject of relationships cause I was too busy distracting myself with other things and it felt too weird/out of place to bring up. Maybe after a few more weeks or months.

    None of number 3, 2 or 1 are going to forgive me and I dont expect them too. I dont want to bring unnecessary turmoil since they have most likely moved on etc

    I'm just really messed up I guess and yes I do need to talk it out with someone to overcome it properly...
    You know what the issue is and you know that you're not being fair to your current boyfriend. You lack the ability to empathise with the emotions/feelings of others and I would assume that you didn't end things properly with your previous boyfriends either. Do the right thing, end it now and sort yourself out emotionally, you probably want a serious relationship at some point and you're not going to get there by avoiding the issue. Your current relationship is not going to end with a happily ever after like you said, break up now and focus on your emotional health.
 
 
 
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