I have Borderline Personality Disorder but I'm ashamed. (+AMA)

Online tests are not accurate always, ie according to the NHS test I should be classed as severely depressed but both my CPN and psychiatrist say I don't fit classical depression. I've also taken the NHS approved PD test and I came out with numerous PDs.

If you're worried about with your mental health, please see your GP.

All 9 of them, and I wish I was joking.

I never even knew about BPD until now, and I'm just lost into what to think or do at this moment.

I don't like taking online tests at face value either. When I saw the symptoms on page 1, I virtually ticked all of them until the last, and it unnerved me to not find a single exception. Hence why I looked online tests, thought they could be more situational, and thus alleviate my fears. Now I'm worried.

Hi there, I really hope you don't mind me asking this question but may I ask how your relationships tend to go (if you've had any)?The reason I ask is because when I broke up with my only ex he told me I was manipulative and trying controlling to him and I can sort of see how it could've been interpreted like that.

I was also diagnosed with borderline not too long after that and after googling it I found out that people with BPD disorder are more likely to be abusive in relationships. I really didn't think I'd ever be like that but it would explain a lot of how I acted towards him as well as some of my close friends who I drove away. I don't know if it's just me or if it's my condition making me like that and it makes me feel so awful because that's not who I am Sorry if that's too personal, but you did say ask you anything. I just don't like to discuss this face to face with people because i'm really shy normally.

(I posted this anonymously but its taking ages and I don't really have time to wait. I also don't want anyone of my friends on here to know who I am so I made a new account.)

Hey gurl, I hope you are okay.

So relationships are definitely tricky when you have borderline for sure. This is because of the problems with fear of abandonment and of course the instability. Jealousy and insecurity are also not particularly conducive to a healthy relationship. So, for me, yes there have been challenges, and especially pre-diagnosis because instead of it being understood and accepted that it's not my fault sometimes, it looks like it's in your control.

This has led to problems for me because when behaviour such as that which borderline is associated with is assumed to be something you control it doesn't look good; indeed it looks as though you are manipulative, selfish, and attention seeking.

I know how you feel when you say 'it is not who I am'. The extremity of which you feel and thus act when you are in different sides of yourself when you have a condition like Borderline is horrible. The way I see it, is that I have a core part of my personhood/personality which I believe is me. With triggers minimised I can be quite happy as Emma for long periods of time and be apparently fine. But small things can agitate and irritate me and then in those moments I act in a way that is so far removed from the person I believe I am at the core.

This creates problems in relationships and within yourself. Firstly, when you do have those moments, irrelevant of how frequent they are, it can cloud the whole relationship and can be a precursor for more pervasive toxicity. It can also start to impinge on when you are fine. It gets into a cycle, when you act out in bad ways, you worry intensely you've pushed away that person, and anxiety can quite often drive the behaviours of clinging back on and trying really hard to not lose them (which in turn heightens insecurities and jealous/over-protective behaviour).

To be honest, post-diagnosis I have been considerably better (so in the past 2 years). I'm acutely aware of what I have the potential to be like but importantly I also am very in touch with what triggers me to act in certain ways that are not helpful in relationships so I am open about what they are and how to minimise them. To me, I think that as a girlfriend, I am incredibly loving , open and loyal. The drawbacks are that I can be quite vulnerable, need reassurance, and can go through periods of being distant. Ultimately, I think that people come as a package, and if someone wants to be with me, then understanding this condition and how to work with me to minimise it is paramount. At the beginning of my last relationship, my ex-boyfriend was incredible and thus my borderline-type behaviours were almost non-existent. Of course, I still had ups and downs, like all people, and continued to struggle with depression, but he was super reassuring and loving, and I never had to doubt him or worry because of this.

The most difficult for me in a relationship is actually getting into them and in the early days, because it is when I cannot be completely open (for fear of pushing someone away) but then I can't exactly be honest about what's going on and the types of things I'm dealing with. Thus, when I get close to people, I often keep retreating and pushing them away as I feel as though I would prefer, in a way, to not deal with the complexity and instability of my emotions that are associated with caring about another person.

I feel like I haven't really answered your question. When it comes to specific relationships I don't feel comfortable about talking in detail on the forum out of respect for my ex-boyfriends (especially since I'm extremely easy to identify on TSR now). So, if you would like to PM me on your dupe or even your main account then I can provide a lot more insight. I will keep your 'TSR identity' completely confidential.

Do you take medication/have therapy?

Emma

Thank you for the reply, are you sure you're ok with doing this over PMs? I think that might be better

Of course hunny. PM me on your main account or this one- Idm.

Hi, it wont let me send you a PM because it thinks I'm spam

Do you feel comfortable with your main account ?

I can give my Kik name or email address if you wish.

I don't have kik but I could make a throwaway email to message you with if that's al; right?
PM me yours on here, I think I should be able to receive even if I can't send

sorry I really don't want to use my main because I know people irl from here

Of course that's absolutely fine. I will pm you my email address.

You feel ashamed....because you have a mental health condition?

Yes that is totally your fault, and makes you an evil person, thought no-one ever.



Those who judge or may judge do so because of ignorance, and generally people fear the unknown and unfamilar. What you are doing is entirely noble and very commendable: putting yourself through a degree of discomfort/pain to raise awareness.

You have my respect.

It's not so much because she has a mental health issue in general, I think she may be more worried because it's specifically BPD. BPD has a lot of stigma associated with it, even among mental health professionals. There's the view that they can be very difficult to work with. And also that some typical traits can make having a relationship with them difficult.

I've never encountered someone with a BPD diagnosis. And I think the stigma is unjustified. I'm not saying I agree with the above, just that's what I think people with BPD are often faced with?

I don't see why it's stigmatised really. My cousin had BPD and she isn't "crazy". She can be a little off sometimes but I think people just don't understand certain behaviours and they become aggressive to said behaviour. Eg, how people treated gays in the 1900's etc.

Could the people with BDP please help me, I realise that although I might not specifically have this mental illness but over the past couple of years I've noticed I've been displaying a couple of symptoms of BDP (maybe 6 or 7 from the list OP described but some to a quite a minor extent). How were you all actually diagnosed with BDP? I would like to look into getting a diagnosis but it hasn't gone very well so far.

So, I find it weird even making this thread even under anon as I know TSR people can obviously see who I am but I just want to be able to talk about this thing I'm so ashamed of.

I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) 2 years ago. I don't want it to define me but I can't help but realise that the condition does explain a lot of my behaviours and problems. My issue is I don't know how to be open about it. I'm open about the more general MH conditions that are actually part of my BPD (Depression, anxiety, occasional mania) but stating the umbrella diagnosis petrifies me. I'm worried people will judge me.

Does anyone else on here have BPD and feel the same?

Also thought I would put an AMA just incase there is anyone who wants to ask questions about what BPD is and what it is like to have a misunderstood MH condition.