Original post by Ethereal WorldHey gurl, I hope you are okay.
So relationships are definitely tricky when you have borderline for sure. This is because of the problems with fear of abandonment and of course the instability. Jealousy and insecurity are also not particularly conducive to a healthy relationship. So, for me, yes there have been challenges, and especially pre-diagnosis because instead of it being understood and accepted that it's not my fault sometimes, it looks like it's in your control.
This has led to problems for me because when behaviour such as that which borderline is associated with is assumed to be something you control it doesn't look good; indeed it looks as though you are manipulative, selfish, and attention seeking.
I know how you feel when you say 'it is not who I am'. The extremity of which you feel and thus act when you are in different sides of yourself when you have a condition like Borderline is horrible. The way I see it, is that I have a core part of my personhood/personality which I believe is me. With triggers minimised I can be quite happy as Emma for long periods of time and be apparently fine. But small things can agitate and irritate me and then in those moments I act in a way that is so far removed from the person I believe I am at the core.
This creates problems in relationships and within yourself. Firstly, when you do have those moments, irrelevant of how frequent they are, it can cloud the whole relationship and can be a precursor for more pervasive toxicity. It can also start to impinge on when you are fine. It gets into a cycle, when you act out in bad ways, you worry intensely you've pushed away that person, and anxiety can quite often drive the behaviours of clinging back on and trying really hard to not lose them (which in turn heightens insecurities and jealous/over-protective behaviour).
To be honest, post-diagnosis I have been considerably better (so in the past 2 years). I'm acutely aware of what I have the potential to be like but importantly I also am very in touch with what triggers me to act in certain ways that are not helpful in relationships so I am open about what they are and how to minimise them. To me, I think that as a girlfriend, I am incredibly loving , open and loyal. The drawbacks are that I can be quite vulnerable, need reassurance, and can go through periods of being distant. Ultimately, I think that people come as a package, and if someone wants to be with me, then understanding this condition and how to work with me to minimise it is paramount. At the beginning of my last relationship, my ex-boyfriend was incredible and thus my borderline-type behaviours were almost non-existent. Of course, I still had ups and downs, like all people, and continued to struggle with depression, but he was super reassuring and loving, and I never had to doubt him or worry because of this.
The most difficult for me in a relationship is actually getting into them and in the early days, because it is when I cannot be completely open (for fear of pushing someone away) but then I can't exactly be honest about what's going on and the types of things I'm dealing with. Thus, when I get close to people, I often keep retreating and pushing them away as I feel as though I would prefer, in a way, to not deal with the complexity and instability of my emotions that are associated with caring about another person.
I feel like I haven't really answered your question. When it comes to specific relationships I don't feel comfortable about talking in detail on the forum out of respect for my ex-boyfriends (especially since I'm extremely easy to identify on TSR now). So, if you would like to PM me on your dupe or even your main account then I can provide a lot more insight. I will keep your 'TSR identity' completely confidential.
Do you take medication/have therapy?
Emma