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    Met up with a guy I was talking to online
    He's a lovely guy, early 30s, there's a physical attraction and he's kind to me. Met up a couple of times now. Only thing that's stopping me from being sure about him is that.. he doesn't seem to do anything at all right now. For the past couple years he hasn't worked, hasn't volunteered or done anything productive, just exercises...

    As I've only just started getting to know him I feel like it's not my place to suggest he get a job. I tried suggesting he join this volunteer group I'm in, but he doesn't seem interested in doing anything like that. I don't care about money, I just want for him to have something in his life! Is there any way I could encourage him to find a passion/new hobby/job at least? I feel like if he doesn't have anything going on other than me, I just won't want to stick around, which is a shame cause he does seem like a lovely guy!
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    If nothing interests him that's just how it is I guess, i've had some time where nothing interests me, others where I'm incredibly ambitious, it's just a mood and at the end of the day, if you don't do anything who really cares? Why is doing something superior to doing nothing? It's not philosophically sound.
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    If you are going to run anyway, then you cna raise it as you have nothing to lose. maybe a few more dates to see if you think he has enough potential on other fronts to decide whether its worth the drama of discussing a future. How about suggesting he tries to become a personal trainer, it cna be hard going but you dont need any money and lots of the chains are taking on pts plus th e course isnt that long. that combines his hobbu with a potential living and you get an employed bf.
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    Maybe find someone with more ambition or drive? Or who feels a need to do something constructive? Okay fair enough exercise is but exercise doesn't really pay bills or do much to stimulate the mind in the way a job/volunteering would.

    I'm not saying to give up on him but I'm also not saying to try and 'fix' him.

    If he's in his early thirties and is only exercising then maybe that's the way he wants it to stay?

    'Lovely' doesn't always cut it..there's always going to be someone out there with things going on in their life that is also lovely.

    Maybe you just caught him at a bad time, maybe it's not meant to be...

    I'm the same as one of the posters above. I've had times where I've not really wanted to do anything..but at this moment I'm the opposite and if I personally met up with someone who had not a lot going on I'd run. On the basis that I don't want to have to encourage someone to do something. I like it when someone already has the urge and drive to do something.
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    (Original post by MaseratiJay)
    Maybe find someone with more ambition or drive? Or who feels a need to do something constructive? Okay fair enough exercise is but exercise doesn't really pay bills or do much to stimulate the mind in the way a job/volunteering would.

    I'm not saying to give up on him but I'm also not saying to try and 'fix' him.

    If he's in his early thirties and is only exercising then maybe that's the way he wants it to stay?

    'Lovely' doesn't always cut it..there's always going to be someone out there with things going on in their life that is also lovely.

    Maybe you just caught him at a bad time, maybe it's not meant to be...

    I'm the same as one of the posters above. I've had times where I've not really wanted to do anything..but at this moment I'm the opposite and if I personally met up with someone who had not a lot going on I'd run. On the basis that I don't want to have to encourage someone to do something. I like it when someone already has the urge and drive to do something.
    Surely its much easier if the compatible person just gets a suitable job than it is for an unsuitable one to change their personality?
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Surely its much easier if the compatible person just gets a suitable job than it is for an unsuitable one to change their personality?
    Can you explain what you mean?
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    (Original post by MaseratiJay)
    Can you explain what you mean?
    The guy is hin his early 30's. I'm guessing but it would be more likely the OP is similar or at least left uni several years ago. Why is that relevant? presumably becayse shed quite like a partner and a relaionship. The fact is he's kind and has the characteristics the OP wants, which can be hard to find for some people.

    The only thing that gives her doubts is he doesnt seem to have a job. He can fix that in a few months.

    Its going to take her a lot longer to find someone else as compatible and changing your personality is a lot harder than getting a job.

    I think its worth persevering at the moment and talking to him about it.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    The guy is hin his early 30's. I'm guessing but it would be more likely the OP is similar or at least left uni several years ago. Why is that relevant? presumably becayse shed quite like a partner and a relaionship. The fact is he's kind and has the characteristics the OP wants, which can be hard to find for some people.

    The only thing that gives her doubts is he doesnt seem to have a job. He can fix that in a few months.

    Its going to take her a lot longer to find someone else as compatible and changing your personality is a lot harder than getting a job.

    I think its worth persevering at the moment and talking to him about it.
    Okay that's fair enough I see what you're saying.

    OP can only try but if the guy doesn't want to change then there's not a lot she can do. And I was just thinking if she's only met him a couple times ..depending on how they communicate etc she may not feel able to bring it up. If she does bring it up and he's not going to change then it wouldn't be worth her time trying to change him.

    But for the minute, I do agree she should see what happens.
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    (Original post by MaseratiJay)
    Okay that's fair enough I see what you're saying.

    OP can only try but if the guy doesn't want to change then there's not a lot she can do. And I was just thinking if she's only met him a couple times ..depending on how they communicate etc she may not feel able to bring it up. If she does bring it up and he's not going to change then it wouldn't be worth her time trying to change him.

    But for the minute, I do agree she should see what happens.
    Its not a question of her changing him, but theres no harm in getting to know him better and maybe even addressing the subject so she knows why and what his position is. If he has the potential of being compatible then it might be worth pursuing that compared to going back to dating, which can be very dull.
    • #2
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    RED FLAG! A 30 year old SHOULD be doing something and you say this is on going - 2 years! His lack of interest in your volunteer work is telling he's not interested in doing anything either.

    You just met the guy online it's not your place, job or is it practical for you to spend time suggesting jobs or volunteer work. (2 years!) Unless he's a total loser (and you seem not to think so), I think the guy could be depressed and would likely benefit if he got some professional counseling and some direction in his life. He may be using online relationships with people like you to avoid doing that.

    You seem smart enough to realize its a problem. If you were my friend I would tell you to be frank with the guy that you like him and think he has and is wasting his potential and for those reasons you can't be friends with him. But leave the door open for him to contact you when he has taken steps to improve himself. It sounds harsh but I think it really will benefit you both.
 
 
 
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