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Why shouldn't I take my wife's surname? Watch

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    (Original post by Drewski)
    Hang on, haven't you just outlined reasons why taking someone's name is demeaning and bad and wrong? Why then are you suddenly saying there are "no good reasons" why he shouldn't take her name? Why isn't that a massive double standard?
    The historical context is very gender-specific, and I think that matters.
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    haha ur a beta make
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    (Original post by Implication)
    The historical context is very gender-specific, and I think that matters.
    Either it matters equally to both parties or it doesn't matter.

    If it's not OK to do it one way, it's not OK to do it either way. Believing in one rule for one and another rule for someone else is the dictionary definition of inequality.
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    (Original post by MsTabitha)
    However, you aren't the voice of "most guys" & your post certainly doesn't reflect the voices of most of the guys I know.
    You overestimate "most guys".

    If anything, men are seeing women becoming increasingly powerful in relationships and in other areas of life, and some men are ok with this, but a lot of men are frightened by this, and in response are becoming more macho, assertive and dominant.

    The reality is still that most men reading your initial post in this thread would be put off by it - you come across as a typical man-hating feminist. That's not the sort of woman most guys want to marry. But if you find someone that likes that, then all the best to you.
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    I see no reason why you shouldn't.

    But if neither of you have strong attachments to your surnames but you want to share the same one, have you considered blending your names to create a new one?
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    (Original post by SmallTownGirl)
    I see no reason why you shouldn't.

    But if neither of you have strong attachments to your surnames but you want to share the same one, have you considered blending your names to create a new one?
    I've heard of people doing this and I can never understand why. Surnames are part of your heritage, why would you just want to make one up?
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    (Original post by JBLondon)
    I've heard of people doing this and I can never understand why. Surnames are part of your heritage, why would you just want to make one up?
    Well if a couple blends their surnames they can both keep a connection to that 'heritage'. Otherwise one person looses their surname (which some people don't mind but others don't like at all), both people have different surnames (which again some people like, but others want the same surname) or you double-barrel (which can be difficult if one person already has a double-barrelled name or the surnames are already long).
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    (Original post by SmallTownGirl)
    Well if a couple blends their surnames they can both keep a connection to that 'heritage'. Otherwise one person looses their surname (which some people don't mind but others don't like at all), both people have different surnames (which again some people like, but others want the same surname) or you double-barrel (which can be difficult if one person already has a double-barrelled name or the surnames are already long).
    If my wife didn't want to lose her surname, I wouldn't have an issue both of us keeping ours, or me using hers potentially, as they have proper heritages, but making up a brand new one just seems crazy to me.
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    (Original post by Death Grips)
    you come across as a typical man-hating feminist.
    I'd say he comes across as someone who has had discussions with his partner. A decision has been made together, and he's happy with that.

    What's man-hating about that? Relationships are about partnership, not forcing the other person to do something they don't want to do.

    For what it's worth, I couldn't give two flying hoots about what other people do with their surnames upon marriage. Those I know in real life who have an issue with it seem to have some weird idea about masculinity.
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    it's not that deep
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    (Original post by TattyBoJangles)
    I'd say he comes across as someone who has had discussions with his partner. A decision has been made together, and he's happy with that.

    What's man-hating about that? Relationships are about partnership, not forcing the other person to do something they don't want to do.

    For what it's worth, I couldn't give two flying hoots about what other people do with their surnames upon marriage. Those I know in real life who have an issue with it seem to have some weird idea about masculinity.
    He ?!?

    I was responding to MsTabitha , not the OP.
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    (Original post by Drewski)
    Hang on, haven't you just outlined reasons why taking someone's name is demeaning and bad and wrong? Why then are you suddenly saying there are "no good reasons" why he shouldn't take her name? Why isn't that a massive double standard?
    No, I outlined the reasons why a woman taking a man's name is not for me. As I said, historically females belonged to their fathers, they were his property, they then became the property of their husbands & took the husband's name to indicate this. What the OP is proposing, has an entirely different context.


    And isn't there something to be said for the joining of families aspect? You and your future husband will be creating a family together, wouldn't you like that family to have a single identity?
    I really don't believe having different surnames is any impediment to creating a strong family (identity) together. Why would it? Surely, family identity comes from shared love, beliefs and values, mutual respect and experience.

    (Original post by Implication)
    One of the problems we have is that we don't really want to seen to be 'making a statement', we just want to be able to change our names without anyone fussing over it. It's really quite disappointing that we can't.
    Absolutely.
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    The only real reason is due to culture and tradition.
    In today's society, it's only not too long along that we've become more open and less 'traditional'- understanding that some of these traditions are merely traditions meaning there is neither proper of improper ways of doing things. It's down to you.

    Traditionally over the centuries, it made perfect sense for engaged/married women to take on their husband's surnames as men had more of an identity compared to women. Even those who weren't married had to adopt their father's surnames as he would be their male figure. It wasn't the same back then, for years women couldn't vote, being excluded from political affairs, many weren't educated and most stayed in the house mainly doing domestic work and bearing children while their husband's worked. That society was once so dominant that it only made sense for the woman to take her husband's last name since at the time, he had more of an 'identity' and influence in society compared to the wife. A person's surname was meant to indicate your family, their wealth or societal power etc. Men having more influence allowed this. Because society has been like this for quite a while and its only quite recently we've change- people are now trying to adapt.

    So because we're used to this tradition most are more comfortable following it but it doesn't mean not following it is right or wrong. There is no right or wrong.
    Why most women (the 80% you had mentioned) most likely took on their husband's surname probably was mainly because of their own parents (if married). People follow tradition because it could be expected- seen as the norm. If my mother took on my father's last name- there's a higher chance of me doing the same since it was what I was brought up knowing meaning I'd be more comfortable to the familiar decision. The older generations came from quite a different society. Give it some years and you may see a slight or significant change concerning this topic.
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    (Original post by ABsoluteX)
    Much easier to just follow tradition than argue about it.
    I can smell a sheep.
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    (Original post by Death Grips)
    He ?!?

    I was responding to MsTabitha , not the OP.
    My apologies, I didn't look at the post you were replying to and just assumed. That'll teach me 😂

    Edit: Though I don't see much wrong with MsTabitha's post. I don't think saying you don't feel comfortable with the tradition is a bad thing. There is a difference between being pressured by societal norms into conforming to tradition, and doing something because you and your partner had the discussion and decided on it together.
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    And on a final note. Who actually cares? Like really, how would or do people even notice things such as this. Unless you tell them, or they're a family/friend, once you both have the same surname people wouldn't take notice wondering whose surname is whose. And if they do think 'I wonder if he took on his wife's surname' they most likely would assume you did not because of what's popular. It's popular for the wife to take on her husband's surname. Notice I did not say right or wrong. Unless you measure what is right or wrong by how popular it is then you really shouldn't worry at all about it since you're both satisfied and happy with the decision.
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    (Original post by Death Grips)
    You overestimate "most guys".
    Not the ones I want to spend any time with

    If anything, men are seeing women becoming increasingly powerful in relationships and in other areas of life, and some men are ok with this, but a lot of men are frightened by this, and in response are becoming more macho, assertive and dominant.
    I don't disagree but I don't think it's a good thing.

    The reality is still that most men reading your initial post in this thread would be put off by it - you come across as a typical man-hating feminist. That's not the sort of woman most guys want to marry. But if you find someone that likes that, then all the best to you.
    Lol, I am not a man-hating feminist but I would want a marriage which reflected equality, not a power struggle. And I'd rather be single than be with a guy who wanted to force me to do something, I felt so strongly about i.e. become Mrs His Name, against my better judgement.
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    (Original post by abc101)
    I don't see why anybody should take either's surname. The person you are doesn't change when you get married. I've been who I am my whole life, I'm not changing my name for any reason. It's a good point you raise that it's just seen as standard for women to change their names so it shouldn't be an issue for a man to but tradition has a lot of answer for I guess. The changing name thing reeks of women being transferred as property from one man to another and I hate it.
    I think it's mainly due to legal matters. It seem to make things easier.
    Once you get legally married, you basically share everything in terms of property, parenting, certain finances and you have different rights once married compared to cohabiting couples/single people. The same last name indicates you having some sort of relation with another individual. If you and your husband/wife had different surnames- it would not be easy to tell that you're both married unless you tell the people or they view your legal marital documents. In short, it makes legal matters easier to deal with and it indicates whether your married or not. The same with the Miss, Mrs and Mr. Finally the whole concept of marriage is joining together to become one- united together henceforth it's why couples also share their last name.
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    Do as you please.

    If I ever marry (I don't intend to) then I will certainly retain my own name and would not care if my partner chose to do the same.

    I suppose it matters to me somewhat that my children also share my name, but I could live with some sort of compromise.
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    Honestly I think it's fine. Do what you like! I understand why people do it and don't, and why you might not change your name at all. I don't know why anyone would be weird about it.
 
 
 
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