Can't live with him, can't live without him?

In the two years since we met, my boyfriend and I have had more than our fair share of ups and downs. There's been a huge amount of external pressure on us (everything from being long distance to him losing his job to me having health problems) and we've split up twice under the strain, but always ended up getting back together because we miss each other so much.

The break ups have tended to be caused because he crumbles under the strain rather than because I do - he has a huge fear of getting hurt, and when he's scared and pressured he tends to push people away before they might hurt him, which of course then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I know him better than he knows himself (which even he admits) and can feel him starting to distance himself from me before he even knows he's doing it - but I don't know what I can do to stop it.

I love him more than I know how to handle and I know that he loves me, but I'm starting to think it's time we split up for good. He's gorgeous and funny and wonderful and my best friend in the whole world, but this just isn't working. It's only two months since we got back together (for the third time in two years) because he started sobbing in my arms and telling me what an idiot he was to let me go; but already the cracks are reappearing. He's pushing me away - making plans with his friends on nights that I've offered to drive down to see him, rarely wanting to come up and see me (there's always a reason not to), telling me less about his life. At the same time, paradoxically, he's become more possessive over me, asking me questions about who I've been out with and whether I've done anything I shouldn't (which, for the record, I absolutely haven't). I feel constantly upset that he doesn't seem to make an effort to see me or make me feel special any more, and as much as I adore him, I've been here before (twice) and don't just want to sit and wait for him to really hurt me again. I think maybe I should just end it now, cut all contact for a while whilst I get over him, and really try to move on with my life this time. It's so frustrating because when we're together it still feels like we have something so good, and he is SO special to me, but I've tried and tried and can't seem to break through his barriers. I'm not sure if he's capable of a happy and lasting relationship with his emotional history - but I know that I am. I've seen glimpses of how amazing he can be, but I don't know if he's got it in him to be like that all the time.

But how do I do it? I know, logically, that although we love each other, our relationship probably doesn't have a future, because we've tried and tried and we always end up at the same place. But the fact remains that I love him, and I can't bear the thought of him moving on with his life without me. I start feeling so strong, thinking that I'm doing what's best for me, but as soon as I'm with him, smelling him, looking into his eyes, I crumble. I can't bring myself to end it with someone that I love this much, even though I know it's probably for the best. What do I do? We're flogging a dead horse, but as long as I love him this much it's just so hard to walk out of his life. I keep clinging onto any glimmer of hope. Has anyone been through this before? What did you do? I'm seeing him this weekend, and I'm thinking maybe I just end it there and then, and walk out and delete his number off my phone so that I can't go running back this time. But even the thought of that brings tears to my eyes, and I know it'll feel a thousand times worse when he's actually right in front of me. And yet the fact is, really, I don't think we make each other as happy as we should do any more.

What do I do?

Reply 1

The_Black

Why don't you both go and see a counsellor? An open mind and a willingness to sort things out can do an awful lot of good, as long as you get a push in the right direction. You seem ready enough, but could he cope with that?

If he won't help you, then I think you have to let him go. Not because he is an ass, because I don't think he is, but it isn't fair for you to live in this seesawing relationship. After all, it may just about work when you are young, but as you get older it will be harder and harder to live with.

I was with a guy who did similar things, although his problem was arrogance, arseyness and negligence, not a genuine fear of being hurt. He would go out with his mates when he had promised to see me, forget things, lose all his money on weed and booze and essentialy sucked the life out of me. But still, the pattern of being pushed away could be very similar. And you know what? I never did have the guts to end it. He did instead, deciding that I was too much of a nagging bitch to live with. I was a "nag" because I told him it was polite to pay me back 2 years worth of debt before he bought himself a swanky new computer. he was on £1000 a month, and I was on £75 a month allowance, and I still had to pay for everything. Nice bloke =)

Anyway. As I said, if you are willing to have one last try, go and talk to someone who 'knows'. And it that does not work, you might have to do the hardest thing you have ever done.

These cases always depress me =(

Reply 2

LisaPizza

I'm in the same situation. Been with him 2 years. Have split up officially 3 times, but miss each other we end up going back. Its great for the first two weeks, then we slowly go back down our old paths and our old problems reoccur, yet neither of us can let go of the other. We want it to work,but we don't know what to do to make it work. I would give you advice on what to do,but I dont know what to do myself. We both know we don't completely work, but neither of us are willing to move on. Sucks doesnt it

Reply 3

shona

bewithoutyou

I love him more than I know how to handle and I know that he loves me, but I'm starting to think it's time we split up for good. He's gorgeous and funny and wonderful and my best friend in the whole world, but this just isn't working. [..] He's pushing me away - making plans with his friends on nights that I've offered to drive down to see him, rarely wanting to come up and see me (there's always a reason not to), telling me less about his life. [..] I'm not sure if he's capable of a happy and lasting relationship with his emotional history - but I know that I am. I've seen glimpses of how amazing he can be, but I don't know if he's got it in him to be like that all the time.[..] And yet the fact is, really, I don't think we make each other as happy as we should do any more.

I think the fact that you both love each other is reason enough to try. My ex and I had lots of problems by the end, and the reason why I finally ended it was because that love just wasn't there for me anymore. You however do still seem to be quite madly in love with your boyfriend - so try. Make one last ditch attempt to sit down with your boyfriend, talk about everything and make clear that you're really approaching the end of the line if you both don't agree to make an effort and try to save things.

If you love him as much as you say you do, it's worth making this one last attempt. If it doesn't work out, I think you'll find it easier to deal with, knowing in your heart that you really did try your hardest and it just wasn't meant to be.

:hugs:

Thinking of you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do next.

Reply 4

-x-Katrina-x-

i onli read lyk 3 lines but if u ent gta future 2getha den wz da point n da more u fink u luv him the more attatchd u guna be, take ma advice n go find a new man :-)

Edit - Translation by Talya: I only read like 3 lines but if you ain't got a future together then what's the point and the more you think you love him the more attached you're going to be. Take my advice and go find a new man.

Edit - Translated by Talya, Grammar Nazism by Acaila: I only read three lines, but if you do not have a future together, then what is the point? The more you think you love him, the more attached you are going to be. Take my advice and find a new man.

Just what do they teach in schools these days? :s-smilie: