My first love

This topic may seem a little soppy to some people but the reason Im writing it is because I feel like I want to just let people know what first love was to me, and want to hear your opinions on your own experiences with it.

Basicaly I met a girl when I was sixteen in school. We started off as friends then over a period of months we got closer and closer. Soon we were both best friends and did everything together, we just fitted so well together. I started to get feelings for her and she admitted she was starting to 'fall in love with me' and then we started going out and it was the best time of my life. Every day of my life changed from that day onwards when I was going out with her. All the little things in the world I wouldn't usualy pay attention too stood out clearly and I just felt so naturaly happy everywhere I went. Our feelings for each other grew and grew each day and I remember telling her that I've never felt any feeling of any sort that compares to what I felt for her, and it kept getting stronger and stronger. It was a bit scary to be honest. We did everything together and I went home after going out with her crying in happiness (I know that might sound extreme but I did and its true. I didn't all the time but I did a few times). I dreamt about her a lot as well. Then she started lying to me...and basicaly she became depressed because and started to develop bulimia. Without going into that too much, it ended in us breaking up because of the lies she told me and I was absolutely heart broken. The pain of having your heart broken like that compared to nothing else. It was so bad I went to the doctors as an emergency twice, and got put on anti depressants and diazepam. I also went to see a hypnotherapist, reiki healher, cognitive behavioural therapist and councelor who im still seeing. So we went out for a few years and then that happened and we broke up just before Christmas and I had to cut all contact with her because it would hurt too much otherwise. And I can only describe it as going through living hell. I used to wake up every day and be sick because I was terrified of facing teh world. The world seemed a terrible place and i felt so unloved and rejected by absolutely everyone. I cried every single ****ing night about her and had vivid nightmares accompanied by a panic attack almost every night (and I still get them) about her. The edge of the depression has been taken off due to the anti depressants im on but I still feel uterly depressed and tomorow Im seeing my doctor again to ask about coming off the anti depressants because theyre making me feel strange and Id prefer to try to face it and mourn over her instead of taking some stupid drug but if I get as bad as I was before again, ill need to go back on them. In the last week three of my panic attacks ive had at nighttime (around 3am) have been so severe I ran out of the house, got in my car (im 18) and drove 20 miles to a beach in a town near me, lay on the sand and cried in absolute depression whilst listening to the waves. My councelor has told me that I probably will always love her, but in the end I'll learn to get on with my life and use it as a tool instead of something which is hindering me. I really loved the girl with all my heart, and shes scarred it for life but in a way im proud that shes done that, because I never want to forget her and Im kind of happy that I will always love her. The whole thing has ripped apart my ego (which is good I guess) and robbed me of all my self esteem and confidence.

Anyway, thats my story in a nutshell...and here I am crying as I type this, but anyway...anyone else got any stories about their first loves or want to comment on mine? :frown:

Reply 1

Rei

Erm sad story mate, hope you get over her..itll only help you if you do..like your counseller said...cant say ive had an experience similar...but patience is a virtue, give it time and im sure youll get better :smile: