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    My ex and I had a crazy intense relationship (her calling me "soulmate", "the perfect man" and even saying she could see herself having my children) which ended 18 months ago when we both went to uni (she's 22, I'm 26). She may have cheated, but we broke up without the full truth really being revealed.

    Since then we have spoken a handful of times and slept together about 8 months ago.

    Anyway, we got to chatting just randomly a few weeks ago (she messages me every now and then whenever something reminds her of me). In amongst enjoying each others' company, and her saying how nice it had been to catch up, and how it would be nice to spend more time together when I move to her city this year, she comes out with HARSH comments. She probably considers this to be banter, but its's brutal.

    On the one hand, she praises me, tells me that she hasn't found anything as good since we broke up, how great a boyfriend I was but, on the other, she comes out with incredibly cruel remarks, mocks me and then suggests me meet up. Her attitude towards me seems to vary on a day to day basis...
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    The more important question is why are you allowing her to treat you like this?
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    (Original post by Katarvi)
    The more important question is why are you allowing her to treat you like this?
    What's the best way to respond? Whilst keeping her in my life?
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    (Original post by TheArtofProtest)
    You'll miss the hot sex but she has the potential to be a serial killer.

    Avoid like the plague.
    Because of her changeable attitude?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Because of her changeable attitude?
    No, because you put up with her horrific insults in exchange for sex.

    You realize this is an abusive relationship, right? And that you should not put up with it at all?

    If you had a child and they came to you and said, "My ex is saying (insert whatever she says that upsets you here) to me. What should I do?" - What advice would you give them?

    Whatever advice you'd give to someone that you love that isn't you, that is the advice you should take. You already know what that is. Act on it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What's the best way to respond? Whilst keeping her in my life?
    Why have you ignored their question?

    No one is going to give you the advice you want to hear because it would be terrible advice.

    Get this cretin out of your life.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What's the best way to respond? Whilst keeping her in my life?
    Why do you want to keep her in your life..?
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    (Original post by ThatOldGuy)
    No, because you put up with her horrific insults in exchange for sex.

    You realize this is an abusive relationship, right? And that you should not put up with it at all?

    If you had a child and they came to you and said, "My ex is saying (insert whatever she says that upsets you here) to me. What should I do?" - What advice would you give them?

    Whatever advice you'd give to someone that you love that isn't you, that is the advice you should take. You already know what that is. Act on it.
    Not really, a simpleton might reduce an abusive relationship to an exchange of sex, but anyone who has been in them knows it's not as simple as clicking a lightswitch and walking out, you still remember the good times and the attitude varies. The problem is the person being abused is quite often very selfless and thinks things can work.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My ex and I had a crazy intense relationship (her calling me "soulmate", "the perfect man" and even saying she could see herself having my children) which ended 18 months ago when we both went to uni (she's 22, I'm 26). She may have cheated, but we broke up without the full truth really being revealed.

    Since then we have spoken a handful of times and slept together about 8 months ago.

    Anyway, we got to chatting just randomly a few weeks ago (she messages me every now and then whenever something reminds her of me). In amongst enjoying each others' company, and her saying how nice it had been to catch up, and how it would be nice to spend more time together when I move to her city this year, she comes out with HARSH comments. She probably considers this to be banter, but its's brutal.

    On the one hand, she praises me, tells me that she hasn't found anything as good since we broke up, how great a boyfriend I was but, on the other, she comes out with incredibly cruel remarks, mocks me and then suggests me meet up. Her attitude towards me seems to vary on a day to day basis...
    She's a control freak. Simple.
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    (Original post by whatssarcasm?)
    She's a control freak. Simple.
    How so?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What's the best way to respond? Whilst keeping her in my life?
    Before you decide to 'keep her in your life' maybe you should find out if she cheated?.... Just an idea
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    How so?
    Think about it, she's constantly changing her attitude towards you. There's only really two explanations in my opinion, she has some sort of personality disorder or she's basically seeing if you're prepared to put up with her crap. Let me give of an example of the same thing in a different context... When you're a kid, you respect your parents enough and know your place with them to not answer back. You only get to this stage after your 'egocentric stage' in your development (when kids are toddler age and start to get bossy - they basically try to take control, it's natural) but if you let the kid have it's way at this stage, they become what some may refer to as a brat. (Bossy, manipulative etc). Anyway back to your ex, she's messing you around because she's not considering you. Any normal person would refrain from doing this because they know that a relationship comprises of a balance between two people. However she's a control freak, so she doesn't see it from the same perspective. Just the same way as a two year old kid wouldn't consider their parents when having a tantrum.
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    (Original post by whatssarcasm?)
    Think about it, she's constantly changing her attitude towards you. There's only really two explanations in my opinion, she has some sort of personality disorder or she's basically seeing if you're prepared to put up with her crap. Let me give of an example of the same thing in a different context... When you're a kid, you respect your parents enough and know your place with them to not answer back. You only get to this stage after your 'egocentric stage' in your development (when kids are toddler age and start to get bossy - they basically try to take control, it's natural) but if you let the kid have it's way at this stage, they become what some may refer to as a brat. (Bossy, manipulative etc). Anyway back to your ex, she's messing you around because she's not considering you. Any normal person would refrain from doing this because they know that a relationship comprises of a balance between two people. However she's a control freak, so she doesn't see it from the same perspective. Just the same way as a two year old kid wouldn't consider their parents when having a tantrum.
    This is a useful analogy, thank you. I actually considered that she might have a personality disorder and suggested it to her... Is there a solution? I would ideally like to keep her around, and don't want to seem as though I can't take 'banter', but don't want this shi*
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My ex and I had a crazy intense relationship (her calling me "soulmate", "the perfect man" and even saying she could see herself having my children) which ended 18 months ago when we both went to uni (she's 22, I'm 26). She may have cheated, but we broke up without the full truth really being revealed.

    Since then we have spoken a handful of times and slept together about 8 months ago.

    Anyway, we got to chatting just randomly a few weeks ago (she messages me every now and then whenever something reminds her of me). In amongst enjoying each others' company, and her saying how nice it had been to catch up, and how it would be nice to spend more time together when I move to her city this year, she comes out with HARSH comments. She probably considers this to be banter, but its's brutal.

    On the one hand, she praises me, tells me that she hasn't found anything as good since we broke up, how great a boyfriend I was but, on the other, she comes out with incredibly cruel remarks, mocks me and then suggests me meet up. Her attitude towards me seems to vary on a day to day basis...
    I have a question, was there any period of no contact between you two after you broke up? And if so, how long was it and who got in touch first? Did you attempt to kick her out of your life?
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    (Original post by whorace)
    Not really, a simpleton might reduce an abusive relationship to an exchange of sex, but anyone who has been in them knows it's not as simple as clicking a lightswitch and walking out, you still remember the good times and the attitude varies. The problem is the person being abused is quite often very selfless and thinks things can work.
    This is very true.

    It took me a long time to see this when I was in that position.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is a useful analogy, thank you. I actually considered that she might have a personality disorder and suggested it to her... Is there a solution? I would ideally like to keep her around, and don't want to seem as though I can't take 'banter', but don't want this shi*
    There is a big difference between banter and treating someone like crap.

    Banter is not supposed to be mean spirited or make someone feel bad, it's playful jokes between people that actually care about each other. Banter is not bullying and it's not controlling.
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    (Original post by SophieSmall)
    There is a big difference between banter and treating someone like crap.

    Banter is not supposed to be mean spirited or make someone feel bad, it's playful jokes between people that actually care about each other. Banter is not bullying and it's not controlling.
    This x1000
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is a useful analogy, thank you. I actually considered that she might have a personality disorder and suggested it to her... Is there a solution? I would ideally like to keep her around, and don't want to seem as though I can't take 'banter', but don't want this shi*
    Other than recommending that she sees a psychiatrist, I'm not sure if there's a solution to her possible personality disorder but I guess the only advice I can give you about how to keep her in your life etc, with less of her ****, is to let her know that she's out of order. That's probably the best way to neutralise her controlling personality. You could try asking her for an explanation as to why she feels the need to be so hot and cold with you because she might not realise that she's doing it. Alternatively, you could try being a bit distant, and simply appearing a little bit detached. If she is in fact a control freak, she's not going to respond to this because control freaks love to interact with people who are more 'needy' if you like. She might think that you really want her back, and this might have been what's caused her to think she's in control and it could just be that her personality type has caused her to take advantage of it. But hey, I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm just spit balling, but I've met a few who sound a lot like this ex of yours, and I'm not a fan of the type haha
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    (Original post by Joshhh)
    I have a question, was there any period of no contact between you two after you broke up? And if so, how long was it and who got in touch first? Did you attempt to kick her out of your life?
    In the months after breaking up, I never messaged her first. She messaged me a few times and we had a couple of brief chats. I removed her from social media, prompting her to call me, claim to miss me and to be very hurt by this.She even said 'I'm not sure what it is I've done to offend you?'

    Around 6 months after breaking up, I re-added her on social media, as I was over it all etc. She almost immediately suggested me meet up. Then didn't hear anything for about 3 months. She then found out I'd told a friend I thought she had a personality disorder, hence her behaviour. She asked to meet up, said how sorry she was, how she understood my point of view etc, but blamed it all on the influence of uni. I wasn't all that bothered so just said forget about it. We then slept together (her making all the moves). Over the next few months, she messaged me on occasion, starting the conversation always but was never interested in conversation.

    We run into each other every now and then, chat briefly etc. Then a few weeks ago we chatted over a course of days, her seemingly very interested in talking and suggesting we 'spend more time together'. No more word for 3 weeks, then levels another insult at me out of the blue, passing it off as 'banter'.
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    Her behaviour towards you kinda reminds me of a female Black Widow Spider....
 
 
 
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