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Explain my ex's behaviour? watch

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    (Original post by whatssarcasm?)
    Other than recommending that she sees a psychiatrist, I'm not sure if there's a solution to her possible personality disorder but I guess the only advice I can give you about how to keep her in your life etc, with less of her ****, is to let her know that she's out of order. That's probably the best way to neutralise her controlling personality. You could try asking her for an explanation as to why she feels the need to be so hot and cold with you because she might not realise that she's doing it. Alternatively, you could try being a bit distant, and simply appearing a little bit detached. If she is in fact a control freak, she's not going to respond to this because control freaks love to interact with people who are more 'needy' if you like. She might think that you really want her back, and this might have been what's caused her to think she's in control and it could just be that her personality type has caused her to take advantage of it. But hey, I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm just spit balling, but I've met a few who sound a lot like this ex of yours, and I'm not a fan of the type haha
    Control freaks hate being ignored, most people do but for control freaks it completely undermines their power. In hot and cold relationships you'll find the more distant you are the more effort they will put in a lot of the time. The problem with things like 'taking insults' instead of a playful exchange of banter is a manipulator is very good at explaining these away ('I was stressed' ('I was just hungry' and because you see the good in people and you have a lot of respect for your partner you accept these raitonalised explanations, for every insult you remember that one time they were nice to you. It's an incredibly vicious cycle.
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    (Original post by whorace)
    Control freaks hate being ignored, most people do but for control freaks it completely undermines their power. In hot and cold relationships you'll find the more distant you are the more effort they will put in a lot of the time. The problem with things like 'taking insults' instead of a playful exchange of banter is a manipulator is very good at explaining these away ('I was stressed' ('I was just hungry' and because you see the good in people and you have a lot of respect for your partner you accept these raitonalised explanations, for every insult you remember that one time they were nice to you. It's an incredibly vicious cycle.
    Yeah I did think of that but I've just read another response and she apparently doesn't know what she's done to insult him, so do you think she is a control freak and does know what she's doing or?...
    Also, are you saying that 'accepting these rationalised explanations' is the way in which manipulators can get into their partner's minds?
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    (Original post by whatssarcasm?)
    Yeah I did think of that but I've just read another response and she apparently doesn't know what she's done to insult him, so do you think she is a control freak and does know what she's doing or?...
    Also, are you saying that 'accepting these rationalised explanations' is the way in which manipulators can get into their partner's minds?
    Sometimes I think people do not manipulate consciously, bad parenting can create bad habits of managing relationships, that does not excuse the behaviour however. Some people know what they are doing but they think it's normal or feel like they have to do it because of insecurity, some people are just nasty and selfish and like to hurt others. It's a complex subject, it's definitely not as easy as saying no and leaving, I mean in tangible terms it is, but that ignores a lot of detail.

    Parenting may have to do with the abused as well, if you're raised in a house where you are expected to be selfless and deal with this on a day to day basis it becomes normal.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    In the months after breaking up, I never messaged her first. She messaged me a few times and we had a couple of brief chats. I removed her from social media, prompting her to call me, claim to miss me and to be very hurt by this.She even said 'I'm not sure what it is I've done to offend you?'

    Around 6 months after breaking up, I re-added her on social media, as I was over it all etc. She almost immediately suggested me meet up. Then didn't hear anything for about 3 months. She then found out I'd told a friend I thought she had a personality disorder, hence her behaviour. She asked to meet up, said how sorry she was, how she understood my point of view etc, but blamed it all on the influence of uni. I wasn't all that bothered so just said forget about it. We then slept together (her making all the moves). Over the next few months, she messaged me on occasion, starting the conversation always but was never interested in conversation.

    We run into each other every now and then, chat briefly etc. Then a few weeks ago we chatted over a course of days, her seemingly very interested in talking and suggesting we 'spend more time together'. No more word for 3 weeks, then levels another insult at me out of the blue, passing it off as 'banter'.
    In all honesty is this someone you would like to have in your life as a friend or to reconcile a relationship with? Or are you just holding on to old memories and the good times and having trouble moving on?
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    (Original post by Joshhh)
    In all honesty is this someone you would like to have in your life as a friend or to reconcile a relationship with? Or are you just holding on to old memories and the good times and having trouble moving on?
    I'll answer your q in a moment (I don't want to influence your answer in any way) - what makes you doubtful of her character in what I have described above?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What's the best way to respond? Whilst keeping her in my life?
    how about asking her wtf shes playing at by being so cruel?

    Thats not normal behaviour.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'll answer your q in a moment (I don't want to influence your answer in any way) - what makes you doubtful of her character in what I have described above?
    I have recently broken up with a girl of the same personality as the one you describe, not in every single way but very much similar.

    This girl seems to pick and choose you whenever she feels like it, almost as an ego boost to know she's still got you on a string and can have you whenever she wants, when she gets bored she either makes sly digs at you which you take offence to, if you've made this known to her and she's still doing it then she's doing it on purpose.

    She sounds toxic, and in all honesty bat **** crazy, you owe it to yourself to remove this person from your life completely and find someone who blows her out of the water completely. The strength you show by walking away for good will be a lot more painful for her than her sly digs were towards you.

    She sounds toxic and abusive, hence why I asked whether you're interested in being friends or reconciling the relationship with her.
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    She sounds like a narcissist. I dated a guy like this...and you would be better off to go no contact, which means blocking her number. She hits you up not because she misses you...but because she misses abusing you. She misses the cat and mouse game that you let her play with you. It's super easy to send anyone a text and post 'hey, have been thinking of you.' It's like throwing bait to a fish and if you take it, it tells her you are still interested in her. Then, once she starts talking with you, she abuses you ...because all she really wanted to know was that you'd respond. Once you respond, you tell her all she needs to know. Narcissists would love to be adored by many, not loved by one.

    I highly suggest to cut her off, and go no contact. You will find someone who is stable minded, and all the rest...but not if you're focused on this.
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    (Original post by Joshhh)
    I have recently broken up with a girl of the same personality as the one you describe, not in every single way but very much similar.

    This girl seems to pick and choose you whenever she feels like it, almost as an ego boost to know she's still got you on a string and can have you whenever she wants, when she gets bored she either makes sly digs at you which you take offence to, if you've made this known to her and she's still doing it then she's doing it on purpose.

    She sounds toxic, and in all honesty bat **** crazy, you owe it to yourself to remove this person from your life completely and find someone who blows her out of the water completely. The strength you show by walking away for good will be a lot more painful for her than her sly digs were towards you.

    She sounds toxic and abusive, hence why I asked whether you're interested in being friends or reconciling the relationship with her.
    You're right when you say that I can't see her being in my life anymore. The times we had were simply great - it's not hyperbolic to say that she made me feel things I had never previously felt, and I miss that, and find myself doubting others' ability to elicit said feelings.

    She was also seemingly very sweet, when she wanted to be. I've always bantered back, so as not to seem vulnerable - I think my greatest concern is that I've come out looking weak - by never having a go at her, and somewhat passively getting back at her.

    I also wonder whether I am simply being too sensitive about what she intends to be banter.
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    (Original post by *Deidre*)
    She sounds like a narcissist. I dated a guy like this...and you would be better off to go no contact, which means blocking her number. She hits you up not because she misses you...but because she misses abusing you. She misses the cat and mouse game that you let her play with you. It's super easy to send anyone a text and post 'hey, have been thinking of you.' It's like throwing bait to a fish and if you take it, it tells her you are still interested in her. Then, once she starts talking with you, she abuses you ...because all she really wanted to know was that you'd respond. Once you respond, you tell her all she needs to know. Narcissists would love to be adored by many, not loved by one.

    I highly suggest to cut her off, and go no contact. You will find someone who is stable minded, and all the rest...but not if you're focused on this.
    Bang on in terms of narcissism, I think. She told me she has been seeing a counsellor, who suggested she seeks the attention of men to make up for her father abandoning the family at a young age.
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    (Original post by *Deidre*)
    She sounds like a narcissist. I dated a guy like this...and you would be better off to go no contact, which means blocking her number. She hits you up not because she misses you...but because she misses abusing you. She misses the cat and mouse game that you let her play with you. It's super easy to send anyone a text and post 'hey, have been thinking of you.' It's like throwing bait to a fish and if you take it, it tells her you are still interested in her. Then, once she starts talking with you, she abuses you ...because all she really wanted to know was that you'd respond. Once you respond, you tell her all she needs to know. Narcissists would love to be adored by many, not loved by one.

    I highly suggest to cut her off, and go no contact. You will find someone who is stable minded, and all the rest...but not if you're focused on this.
    She also told me she has been seeing a guy, on and off for about a year, but he kept calling it off. I wonder what your impressions are, based upon your understanding of this personality type, of the value she places on me and him. She says her relationship with him was never as good (I committed a lot of time and effort to her in terms of doing romantic things etc.) but he is more suitable and, objectively, considerably better looking than me. As a narcissist, would she place more value on a partner who adores her, or one who reflects well in his appearance etc.?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    I also wonder whether I am simply being too sensitive about what she intends to be banter.
    Can you let on what type of comments she makes?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You're right when you say that I can't see her being in my life anymore. The times we had were simply great - it's not hyperbolic to say that she made me feel things I had never previously felt, and I miss that, and find myself doubting others' ability to elicit said feelings.

    She was also seemingly very sweet, when she wanted to be. I've always bantered back, so as not to seem vulnerable - I think my greatest concern is that I've come out looking weak - by never having a go at her, and somewhat passively getting back at her.

    I also wonder whether I am simply being too sensitive about what she intends to be banter.
    I really doubt you're being too sensitive. I learnt this a couple of months ago, stop dwelling in the past and create some new adventures and stories with someone better than this narcissist. You'll be better off in the long run.
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    Narcissist or borderline personality. Read up on both of those and see if the symptoms look familiar. Either way, you need to keep enough distance not to be sucked in. If that means total separation, then do it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    She also told me she has been seeing a guy, on and off for about a year, but he kept calling it off. I wonder what your impressions are, based upon your understanding of this personality type, of the value she places on me and him. She says her relationship with him was never as good (I committed a lot of time and effort to her in terms of doing romantic things etc.) but he is more suitable and, objectively, considerably better looking than me. As a narcissist, would she place more value on a partner who adores her, or one who reflects well in his appearance etc.?
    She uses men. There's no value she places on you or him...she just uses men. Triangulation is a common term that I learned about after breaking up with that jerk I dated who I'd dub a narcissist. They always have two or more people interested in them at the same time, and they are always keeping them guessing. Honestly...if you want this drama out of your life, just block her everywhere. If she's on face book, remove her. Block her phone number. Beware, she will find a way to reach you, and she will yell and scream at you for ignoring her. They hate being ignored. But, you must do this for your own sanity, because she will never leave you alone, even if she gets a serious boyfriend. Because she always needs lots of attention from men, not the love of one. Remember...she's just using you.
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    Cut her off, you are better than that.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    Cut her off, you are better than that.
    Would you mind expanding upon your impressions of her?
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    Cut her off, you are better than that.
    I only ask, because, when I look back, I only seem to remember how sweet she could be, and, as I said previously, she has SO many friends who seem to adore her.
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    She sounds toxic. You need to cut her out.
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    (Original post by Alexion)
    She sounds toxic. You need to cut her out.
    Mind if i ask why?
 
 
 
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