Overcoming abusive relationships

i think i've quoted in everyone that replied, firstly, thank you so much for responding. i guess i can try to provide a little bit more context and where we are currently at and stuff.
So both are 20-23, students in the UK, I'm currently studying in a different country (definitely something that has impacted our relationship - In fact i'd say the abuse and unhealthy aspects of our relationship have only come up while I've been half way across the world for 10 months)

We both have mental health issues and have struggled with mental health for many years before meeting each other, and for the first year of dating everything was wonderful and I can certainly say I hadn't ever been close to something as healthy and full of mutual trust and love and support before, and then once I went away it became harder and harder.
I keep trying to put what he's been doing into words without it sounding ridiculous.
but it's usually whenever i bring up my mental health he will invalidate it, tell me i'm being irrational or purposefully encourage the negative emotion i'm feeling?[trigger warning for talking about abuse more specifically and particularly body-image related stuff, for example part of my disorder is that im incredibly insecure and always seeking more validation and i told him that i thought i was too fat and ugly for him and he didn't find me attractive, and he told me i 'wasn't his sexual preference'. he gets angry at me when i tell him how im feeling and has told me that he can't support the both of us when in reality he offers me no support, because when i tell him that i'm not doing well he gets angry at me so I haven't told him about any of my mental health going down hill for the last two months. He constantly tells me im overreacting, im too sensitive, he trivialises things im concerned about and other things in my life and is constantly invalidating me and deny my emotions and i call him out on it but he won't apologise. whenever we try to talk about things it ends up with me apologising and saying i'll change and be different but (and not to be bigheaded) i don't think i need to change much at all and i think im extraordinarily good to him.
He is never there for me emotionally but expects me to be on call to his needs 24/7 - if he's working on an essay he can't talk to me, but if i'm working on an essay i have to drop it and stay up all night to finish what i should have done when he needed me - as if his work and life are more important than mine.
Whenever I'm really struggling and do open up to him about feeling bad he disengages and will actively ignore me for a few days or until i tell him that i'm feeling good, that not only makes me feel like i don't matter and like i shouldn't open up to him, is really bad for my mh because i am terrified of being abandoned and he knows that so he actively ignores me.

BUT we do have excellent communication - I finally called him out on everything last night, and we've been talking today about all the things that have got to change and got to happen.

I guess I'm just thinking should I stick it out for the 8 weeks until I can see him in person again and if it's still like this I will quit, or if it's back to how it was I'll stay? because like i said before me studying in a different country there was absolutely no signs of this kind of treatment or behavior so once the catalyst of the distance is removed will things return to how they were before?

If things don't return to how they were before I would like to try and resolve things. I do see a therapist and am on medication, and I've told him that for us to continue he has to do the same, but he's been unable to go for the last couple of years anyway because of extreme anxiety, so he says he doesn't know if he can - i do understand and his anxiety has been a huge issue with him not seeing medical professionals before.
I don't know do you all still think I should just give up? I'm so lost and wishing I hadn't decided to study abroad for a year because it wouldn't have triggered this?

I would hope your boyfriend doesn't mean to be so abusive - maybe it's just his own mental health affecting the way he treats you. Either way though, it's not right and it's not something you should have to put up with

Whether its deliberate or not the outcome is the same unfortunately. Not all abuse is intentional though he must be aware what he is doing to her..

But i agree completely that she should not have to deal with this.

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Hi guys, again, thank you so much for replying.
I'm definitely aware that how things currently are this is an abusive relationship and can recognize it enough to make a post like this, I just definitely think the relationship is worth saving, if that is possible.

Those of you that mentioned codependency are definitely correct, and I am currently in therapy and receiving DBT and definitely doing my best to conquer my reliance on others to determine my self worth as I recognize this is a huge issue in or out of a relationship, and this is something I've been working on and receiving help with from before this relationship began.

I understand why you guys may think we don't have good communication and it's hard to explain but I do still maintain that we do. I've always felt comfortable on addressing when I don't feel right about things, and especially when he's doing better his understanding of and patience with my mental health are excellent, it's just when we are both doing badly things don't seem compatible. I definitely am not excusing the behaviour because of his or my mental health, but it does make it slightly more understandable to me. Regardless, I've told him that something has got to change or that I will be breaking up with him.

We're definitely starting on some of the stuff Tigger has been suggesting and I'm gonna try the rest when we next talk about it - I've called a timeout on it at the moment because I have a lot of college deadlines.

I just wanted to bring back what I was saying about the long distance and get some thoughts specifically on that, so for example that we were together for quite a while before me studying 4,000 miles away and there were no signs of this kind of behaviour and that i think the distance is a trigger for it. Is it worthwhile waiting to see how things are when I return and if they go back to how they were, ok, but if he continues to act in this manner to break things off?

Being able to talk to each other is fine, but if his response and understanding is to continue to abuse you, then obviously your communication is deficient.
You might be talking but he isnt listening. As your partner he should be supportive and be able to put your interests above or on a par with his. he is not doing that.
The way you descrive it, then its understandable why you are scared to let go, but in the long run its not healthy and im afarid you cnat see the wood for the trees.

He needs to work on himself, take a time out and deal with it after your exams. I see you are. LDR is hard, but if he uses his brain he adapts and you make the best you can of it. If you care for someone then you dont abuse them and you dont continue abusing when that person gets upset or asks you to stop. he sounds like hes taking some issues of his own out on you.

Work on your CVT or NLP and that will improve you ability to cope, self esteem and independence.

I think the long distance isn't helping. I personally think you should end it now rather than later because someone invalidating your feelings and the extent of your illness is not helpful for your own mental health recovery. Though I may just be projecting, coz I was once in an abusive situation (relationship is perhaps too strong a word in my case, tbh) too and it's been SO detrimental to my overall wellbeing

I appreciate you love him and that you may not want to leave him but like someone else said earlier, if your friend was in this exact situation, what would you advise them to do?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do anyway but PLEASE try and do the best thing by your own needs

Hmm I guess I do get you on the communication front. When we've had conversations and I've been saying what I need to change and what I want from it and ask him what he needs and wants he just tells me he has no ideas and won't tell me what he's thinking or feeling about this situation.
Is seeing how it is when I return home entirely pointless?

Also I haven't heard of CVT before and when I google it I'm just getting responses about something to do with cars, could you expand a little for me?
Thanks

I'm so stuck on what to do. I definitely think if it was someone else I'd also be telling them that they need to end it, but at the same time I recognise that as much as I'm talking about the issues here I haven't expressed anything about the positives so it is a bit one sided.

Even though I recognise our current relationship is really not good for me so much of me just wants to make it until when I'm back in England because I don't think this would have happened if we hadn't become an LDR. Although again I recognise that something else may have triggered this behaviour somewhere else down the line.

It's just so hard to draw a line and say that ultimately he is more bad for me than he is good because of our past history. For example he has been hugely beneficial to my mental health, and just before we met I allowed myself to drop out of the system in regards to MH and he slowly encouraged me and helped me and even came with me to my first doctors appointment when I went back on to medication and asked for a new referral to therapy, and he has been exceptionally patient with past suicide attempts and has even called an ambulance for me when he guessed (correctly) that I'd attempted suicide. As much as he may invalidate my mental health now, back then he was the complete opposite and also was and still is extremely validating in other parts of me like my intelligence and capabilities and anything education related.

I just don't know how to make a decision and I feel like if I break up with him now when I return to England I'm going to regret it and just be thinking 'what if he had changed' but I also recognise that if I stay with him I may be putting myself through a further eight weeks to find out he doesn't change when I'm back.

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i broke it off yesterday and im still resolved today but i am heart broken and i don't know what to do

It will take time to get over it but it is possible and it gets easier, trust me you are better off without him.

i broke it off yesterday and im still resolved today but i am heart broken and i don't know what to do

Very proud of you! Not an easy decision at all but the best one, for sure Hang on in there and try not to lose that resolve!

(Sorry for very late response - was out all day yesterday and not checking TSR)

It will take time to get over it but it is possible and it gets easier, trust me you are better off without him.

i actually lied and he broke up with me because he's started to see someone new.
i am very crushed and feeling like i am not even good enough for someone abusive

i actually lied and he broke up with me because he's started to see someone new.
i am very crushed and feeling like i am not even good enough for someone abusive