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    I've just completed creating my artifact piece for my EPQ which is the first chapter of a novel in the crime/thriller genre.

    My final section of my research report is 'evaluation' therefore I need people to give me constructive criticism or just general feedback on my piece.

    I'm not going to post the entire chapter but rather sections of it and ask accompanying questions. I will be really grateful to anyone that takes the time to read and answer these questions, you will be helping me massively

    I will post the story in italics, and the questions in bold. Thanks again


    1. Todayhad begun like every other Sunday. Daniel and I were both sat at our kitchentable drinking coffee, black with one sugar. Our kitchen was small, cosy andresembled one from a traditional farmhouse with its pine furnishings and solidoak worktops. A large dresser housed our vintage crockery and stood tall,facing me from across the table. Sunlightflooded the room, illuminating the terracotta floor tiles, and the smell ofscrambled eggs on toast still lingered in the air. We sat facing each other; Danielwas reading his usual Sunday paper and I was checking e-mails on my laptop. Inthe background, Mozart could be heard humming from the radio. I loved thesimplicity of our Sunday routine. On the occasional sip of our coffees weexchanged a partial smile. A forceful knock on the door interrupted the bliss.

    This is the beginning of the chapter, and therefore the story. Do you think that the description at the is substantial enough in initiating the relationship between the two characters (I'm trying to portray them as an everyday, ordinary couple) and settinga relaxed tone? Do you think more should be added such as where they live e.g. their house is in a small village. If yes, do you have any suggestions?

    2. “Mrs. Watts?”
    “Yes?” I felt disorientated.
    “Do you feel ready to answer somequestions for us yet? It shouldn’t take long”, the male officer said.
    The female officer just looked on at me sympathetically. I’m sure that they hadintroduced themselves but I can’t seem to remember.
    “I really just want to know what thehell is happening. Surely there’s been a mistake. You heard Daniel, he said ithimself” I said.
    “A body has been found down in Dunelk forest.It is suspected to be around twenty four hours old. Evidence has been found atthe crime scene linking it directly to your husband” He replied.
    “How? What kind of evidence?”
    “That’s actually one of the things weneed to ask you about. A letter wasfound, close to the body. The envelope was addressed to you.”
    “To me?”
    “Yes. Officers at the scene read theletter as it was regarded as evidence. It turns out it was a confession letter,signed by your husband”
    “By Daniel?”
    “Yes. We have the letter here.” He said.

    Can you follow the speech clearly or do you think more dialogue tags (e.g. “I said, he said”) should be added?

    My chest became tight. Who the **** is Catherine Green? How the hell can he say he did this for me? ****, that poor girl. What about her family? How could somebody do this? How does anybody think like that? I never even thought an affair was in Daniels nature but then again I never thought killing was either. Surely he isn’t capable of doing something like that to an innocent woman. I stared at the letter, gripping the plastic bag that contained it. Maybe I'm just holding onto the hope that Daniel couldn’t have done this, that he’s not a monster, but parts of the letter just didn’t seem to add up. I read the letter again, analysing it word for word. ‘I still feel the same way about you that I did on the first night that we met.’ What? I read the sentence again. It didn’t make sense.
    And finally.. After the main character (the narrator) has reada confession letter from her 'husband', she realises that it isn't him and that he is innocent. (He has been arrested on suspicion of murder). Do you think that this reaction immediately prior to reading the letter is substantial enough before she jumps to realising that it isn't him? Would she ask more questions?


    Thank you again for your help!
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    Err isn't the evaluation for you to evaluate your own project.
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    Ooh interesting read when it's actually done would I have a chance to read it all. I like the way you started off normal with the coffee scene and slowly introduced everything instead of compiling the scene in one big mess, I rather like no- appreciate the subtle approach you've taken and then that last paragraph, that dramatic twist tho I love it (and I like that you're not afraid to throw some F-bombs in there too!)
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    I think you need to let the story unravel and it's certain bits that don't click together in her mind that lead her to doubt the letter or it could be her just in denial (or hopeful) that her husband wouldn't do this.
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    (Original post by Vikingninja)
    Err isn't the evaluation for you to evaluate your own project.
    Yes, I have to comment on what I have learnt and the successes and failures of my project.

    But a good way that I can get marks is to gain feedback from people, as it is a story and in a real life situation away from EPQ an author would probably hold focus groups. Then as a part of the evaluation I can choose to accept/ reject the changes that have been suggested and explain why and how this has helped me to achieve my final piece.

    A lot of this will be recorded in the development of my artefact also and it also gives me another method of research which is more marks
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    (Original post by jade.beth)
    Yes, I have to comment on what I have learnt and the successes and failures of my project.

    But a good way that I can get marks is to gain feedback from people, as it is a story and in a real life situation away from EPQ an author would probably hold focus groups. Then as a part of the evaluation I can choose to accept/ reject the changes that have been suggested and explain why and how this has helped me to achieve my final piece.

    A lot of this will be recorded in the development of my artefact also and it also gives me another method of research which is more marks
    I would ask your supervisor about this because really the evaluation is what YOU thought was successful and what was a failure in your evaluation. In mine I mentioned about my early time management and also how my project was very large but reducing it would bias my conclusion so that it had to be kept broad as my main failures/issues.
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    (Original post by hideNfreak)
    Ooh interesting read when it's actually done would I have a chance to read it all. I like the way you started off normal with the coffee scene and slowly introduced everything instead of compiling the scene in one big mess, I rather like no- appreciate the subtle approach you've taken and then that last paragraph, that dramatic twist tho I love it (and I like that you're not afraid to throw some F-bombs in there too!)
    Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it! I'll take your feedback on board.

    I felt the F bombs were necessary

    That actually isn't the end of the chapter, it continues with her analysing parts of the letter and why they don't add up.

    I only have to write the first chapter for my EPQ but if I ever continued the story in the future I'll be sure to let you know
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    (Original post by hideNfreak)
    I think you need to let the story unravel and it's certain bits that don't click together in her mind that lead her to doubt the letter or it could be her just in denial (or hopeful) that her husband wouldn't do this.
    Well the rest of the chapter carries on like this:
    MaybeI'm just holding on to the hope that Daniel couldn’t have done this, that he’snot a monster, but parts of the letterjust didn’t seem to add up. I readthe letter again, analysing it word for word. ‘I still feel the same way about you that I did on the first night thatwe met.’ What? I read the sentence again.It didn’t make sense. The night me and Daniel met he thought I was an arrogantsnob, of course he wouldn’t dare admit that to anybody that asked but he’dadmitted it to me. He usually told anyone that did ask about the second timethat we saw each other. I certainly made up for the dreadful first impression.He’d caught me on a bad day, in fact an awful day, and all I wanted was a quietdrink to myself. When I saw him again two weeks later I decided to buy him adrink to apologise. That’s where we began, not on the first night that we met.Why would he write that in a personal letter to me? What’s he trying to do? Itdoesn’t make sense.
    “Mrs. Watts, have you read through theletter? I know that it’s a lot to take in but…”
    “I'm almost done,” I said.
    “Take your time,” the male officerreplied, apologetically.
    I continued reading the letter lookingfor something else. ‘The way that yourash blonde hair sits perfectly on your shoulders’ I almost let out a laugh.Daniel would never say that. He secretly hated my hair blonde and I knew it,he’d always much preferred my naturally dark hair. I remember the day I came backfrom the hairdressers when I had dyed it. The look on his face. He made itobvious when he asked me if I was going to keep the ‘blonde look’ but blondesuits me better, he’s just stubborn. It doesn’t make sense. I looked up from the letter and saw the two officers staring atme. The people in white overalls were no longer in the kitchen. I didn’trealise that they had left.
    The male officer spoke “I know that must have been hard to read, but is thereanything in the letter, anything at all, that you could give us some moreinformation about?”
    “Yes, in fact there is.” I said.
    “What is it?” he said encouragingly.
    “That’s not my husband and I’m going toprove it.”

    That being the final line and essentially the cliffhanger.

    Do you think that I should drag it out over the course of the story in different chapters instead?
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    (Original post by Vikingninja)
    I would ask your supervisor about this because really the evaluation is what YOU thought was successful and what was a failure in your evaluation. In mine I mentioned about my early time management and also how my project was very large but reducing it would bias my conclusion so that it had to be kept broad as my main failures/issues.
    Perhaps I'm getting confused between my evaluation and the development of my project section but gaining feedback is something my Supervisor has advised me to do so this thread will still be useful to me regardless

    I will check with her when I next see her, thanks for your advice
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    (Original post by jade.beth)
    Well the rest of the chapter carries on like this:
    MaybeI'm just holding on to the hope that Daniel couldn’t have done this, that he’snot a monster, but parts of the letterjust didn’t seem to add up. I readthe letter again, analysing it word for word. ‘I still feel the same way about you that I did on the first night thatwe met.’ What? I read the sentence again.It didn’t make sense. The night me and Daniel met he thought I was an arrogantsnob, of course he wouldn’t dare admit that to anybody that asked but he’dadmitted it to me. He usually told anyone that did ask about the second timethat we saw each other. I certainly made up for the dreadful first impression.He’d caught me on a bad day, in fact an awful day, and all I wanted was a quietdrink to myself. When I saw him again two weeks later I decided to buy him adrink to apologise. That’s where we began, not on the first night that we met.Why would he write that in a personal letter to me? What’s he trying to do? Itdoesn’t make sense.
    “Mrs. Watts, have you read through theletter? I know that it’s a lot to take in but…”
    “I'm almost done,” I said.
    “Take your time,” the male officerreplied, apologetically.
    I continued reading the letter lookingfor something else. ‘The way that yourash blonde hair sits perfectly on your shoulders’ I almost let out a laugh.Daniel would never say that. He secretly hated my hair blonde and I knew it,he’d always much preferred my naturally dark hair. I remember the day I came backfrom the hairdressers when I had dyed it. The look on his face. He made itobvious when he asked me if I was going to keep the ‘blonde look’ but blondesuits me better, he’s just stubborn. It doesn’t make sense. I looked up from the letter and saw the two officers staring atme. The people in white overalls were no longer in the kitchen. I didn’trealise that they had left.
    The male officer spoke “I know that must have been hard to read, but is thereanything in the letter, anything at all, that you could give us some moreinformation about?”
    “Yes, in fact there is.” I said.
    “What is it?” he said encouragingly.
    “That’s not my husband and I’m going toprove it.”

    That being the final line and essentially the cliffhanger.

    Do you think that I should drag it out over the course of the story in different chapters instead?
    Ooooh! I LIKE IT!! THAT CLIFFHANGER....!!
 
 
 
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