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    OK, I was staying over at my bf flat and while helping him clean his room I found a sex toy called a flesh light. Its basically a mock vagina in a plastic torch holder. It felt so strange almost life like to touch.

    I feel degraded that my bf has this toy when I am with him, why does he want to use this when we sleep together. I would not use a sex toy while I was dating someone, we should both be enough for each other.

    I tried to talk to him but he got embarrassed and calmed up and did not want to talk, only saying when you are not with me I have needs. He is 32 and I am 23.
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    What is it that you're upset about: that he masturbates or that he uses something at least some of the time to make it feel better?

    I have a Fleshlight too. It gives an extremely good physical simulation of the sensations of intercourse. However emotionally, it's still very definitely masturbation and there are none of the other aspects to partner sex, especially in a loving relationship.

    If all he wanted sexually was the physical side, he wouldn't be in a relationship with you. If he was going 'I don't want to have sex with you, I want to stay in my flat and masturbate, you'd have grounds for complaint. But that's not what's happening, is it?

    The 'I should be enough for them' is a horrible road to put yourself down. You wouldn't, I hope, say that you're the only person he should talk to and expecting to be someone's only sexual outlet is... optimistic. You've probably never been and never will be in a relationship with a man who doesn't masturbate sometimes. People, men and women, often masturbate in relationships. Sometimes there's a physical separation - you don't sleep together every night, I take it; sometimes one person is more interested in sex than the other; sometimes someone wants some 'just for me' time; sometimes they want added variety; etc etc etc.

    I bought my Fleshlight while I was in the relationship I am still in, years later. We went on a holiday somewhere, saw one in a sexuality shop along with a demo by the (female) shop owner and I decided to get one. It is great, but it's very much an 'as well as' not an 'instead of' the sexual side of our relationship.
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    What is it that you're upset about: that he masturbates or that he uses something at least some of the time to make it feel better?

    I have a Fleshlight too. It gives an extremely good physical simulation of the sensations of intercourse. However emotionally, it's still very definitely masturbation and there are none of the other aspects to partner sex, especially in a loving relationship.

    If all he wanted sexually was the physical side, he wouldn't be in a relationship with you. If he was going 'I don't want to have sex with you, I want to stay in my flat and masturbate, you'd have grounds for complaint. But that's not what's happening, is it?

    The 'I should be enough for them' is a horrible road to put yourself down. You wouldn't, I hope, say that you're the only person he should talk to and expecting to be someone's only sexual outlet is... optimistic. You've probably never been and never will be in a relationship with a man who doesn't masturbate sometimes. People, men and women, often masturbate in relationships. Sometimes there's a physical separation - you don't sleep together every night, I take it; sometimes one person is more interested in sex than the other; sometimes someone wants some 'just for me' time; sometimes they want added variety; etc etc etc.

    I bought my Fleshlight while I was in the relationship I am still in, years later. We went on a holiday somewhere, saw one in a sexuality shop along with a demo by the (female) shop owner and I decided to get one. It is great, but it's very much an 'as well as' not an 'instead of' the sexual side of our relationship.
    thanks for the reply, i think its because its so realistic in appearance and has been molded on someone else bits, it just feels to me like he is thinking about having sex with another woman rather than me. Its the fact he will not talk about it which makes it harder for me to deal with.

    You say it feels like the physical sensations of sex, does it feel like the real thing. i'm trying to get it sorted in my head
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    I should also add I feel that my body is for him to enjoy and use to satisfy him, I am willing to try most things for him if he wanted to, so why should he want something that looks so real its freaky.
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    (Original post by anonomus1984)
    thanks for the reply, i think its because its so realistic in appearance and has been molded on someone else bits, it just feels to me like he is thinking about having sex with another woman rather than me. Its the fact he will not talk about it which makes it harder for me to deal with.

    You say it feels like the physical sensations of sex, does it feel like the real thing. i'm trying to get it sorted in my head
    If you get a chance to take one out of the plastic sleeve, you'll see it's really rather silly looking.

    A variety of designs exist including 'discreet' hole. Although the 'vaginal' one is supposed to have been modelled on someone, it wasn't really (they couldn't get a good cast) and the outer design doesn't make a difference to the physical sensations. Those are, as I say, very much like intercourse right down to the firmer grip by the entrance. You can also use hot water to bring it to closer to body temperature. In that sense, it is much nicer than just using a hand. But, again, emotionally it absolutely remains masturbation to the point that I know someone who won't use theirs outside playing with a parter.

    It's quite possible that he's remembering / looking forward to having sex with you when he uses it, but given the way he's been caught - disapprovingly - it may take some encouragement to get him talking.

    If he actually wanted to be sexual with another woman, he could very probably manage to do so. Having a Fleshlight removes one reason for wanting that.
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    (Original post by anonomus1984)
    I should also add I feel that my body is for him to enjoy and use to satisfy him, I am willing to try most things for him if he wanted to, so why should he want something that looks so real its freaky.
    As I say, if you saw one out of its sleeve, you wouldn't think it was real!

    Would you use it on him, as in hold it and give him a 'handjob'?

    .. and apart from enjoying feeling used / giving him pleasure, what do you get out of your sexual relationship?
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    (Original post by anonomus1984)
    I should also add I feel that my body is for him to enjoy and use to satisfy him, I am willing to try most things for him if he wanted to, so why should he want something that looks so real its freaky.
    Men have needs just like women. Men masturbate even if in a relationship. Ever read a womans magazine? It'll tell you it's normal, men need to ejaculate regularly, regardless of a sexual intercourse with a partner.

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    Oh, my other thought about his embarrassment about this is that there is a distinct stigma against men using 'insert your penis in this' toys, in a way that there isn't for women using dildos or vibrators. I blame extremely tacky blow up dolls for this, but 'a man should be able to get partner sex whenever he wants sex' is also there.
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    Thanks for the advice, after getting over the mutual shock we have sat down and talked, He said he was embarrassed to own a sex toy as you say it is that its OK for us women to own one but not men. And yes you are right taking out of the holder makes it look less human, just a lump of bendy rubber, not very human like at all.

    We have agreed to build it into some play at some stage. You ask what sort of sex I like, I enjoy pleasing my man seeing him enjoying himself pleases me, we have experimented a bit but never with toys, Varies positions and anal have been fine but for some reason the life like sex toy freaked me out and my initial reaction and possibly his embarrassment caused us to fluster a little.
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    Oh, my other thought about his embarrassment about this is that there is a distinct stigma against men using 'insert your penis in this' toys, in a way that there isn't for women using dildos or vibrators. I blame extremely tacky blow up dolls for this, but 'a man should be able to get partner sex whenever he wants sex' is also there.
    Thanks for the advice, after getting over the mutual shock we have sat down and talked, He said he was embarrassed to own a sex toy as you say it is that its OK for us women to own one but not men. And yes you are right taking out of the holder makes it look less human, just a lump of bendy rubber, not very human like at all.

    We have agreed to build it into some play at some stage. You ask what sort of sex I like, I enjoy pleasing my man seeing him enjoying himself pleases me, we have experimented a bit but never with toys, Varies positions and anal have been fine but for some reason the life like sex toy freaked me out and my initial reaction and possibly his embarrassment caused us to fluster a little.
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    (Original post by anonomus1984)
    Thanks for the advice, after getting over the mutual shock we have sat down and talked, He said he was embarrassed to own a sex toy as you say it is that its OK for us women to own one but not men. And yes you are right taking out of the holder makes it look less human, just a lump of bendy rubber, not very human like at all.
    Good news.
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    I'm with you. Anyone who owns a fleshlite, let alone someone with a gf, is seriously bonkers.
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    (Original post by Zarek)
    I'm with you. Anyone who owns a fleshlite, let alone someone with a gf, is seriously bonkers.
    If it weren't seriously judgemental, I'd say the same about anyone who would rather not have sex than use a condom, ahem.

    It's your loss: they're very nice.
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    He might have got it before you got together. It's normal for men to masturbate when they are in a relationship, just like it is women. As long as he doesn't deny you sex because he'd rather be going that then I don't see why you should worry.
 
 
 
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