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Was I sexually assaulted?
I'm sorry this is so long.
Last night I went out with a friend and decided to text a friend of mine who I like. He texted back quickly and after a further exchange of texts he invited me to come round to his place after I finished my night out. There are several points which need to be mentioned at this point, because from saying that it might sound like a dodgy situation.
Point number one: we're both adherents to a fairly conservative religion, which makes this whole scenario a lot more complicated. Neither of us drink alcohol, and the night out I was on was at a rock/metal club, not a typical sort of club where the sole intention seems to be picking up members of the opposite sex as I don't go to those sorts of clubs. I can't speak for him but I can say that I am a virgin because of my religious beliefs and I have no intention to have sex until marriage. I would've assumed the same about him until what happened this morning.
Point number two: The guy and I have a lot of mutual friends.
Point number three: I've been to his place very late on several occasions before and stayed there until as late as 9:30am, so I felt that going over that late wouldn't be a big deal or give a dodgy impression, and also I was happy he asked me to come round because usually when I go over to his he gets one of our mutual friends to ask me.
When I got there he and I were talking for a few hours, and he started paying me some big compliments, being very tactile, and making it obvious he's at least attracted to me physically. I responded by gradually being a bit more tactile to him, i.e. touching his arms and his hair and stuff. Anyways it got to around 11am or 12pm (I got to his at about 5am but I've gone around to other male friend's houses at that time so I hope that doesn't sound like I was 'asking for it'). And we were both tired. So I leant my head on his shoulder with him stroking my arm and he kinda laid back on the sofa a bit but we weren't really touching each other. I put my arm kinda over him but made it look like I did it inadvertently as I was asleep. And I fell asleep. Anyways a little bit later I woke up because he'd kinda like moved me down the sofa and himself too and was lying next to me with our bodies pressed against each other.
I pretended to be asleep because I wanted to see what he was doing. Anyways he carried on stroking my arm and then he moved my hair away from my neck and started kissing my neck. This went on for a while. He then kinda moved his hands around the sides of my torso and my waist. Eventually he started touching my breasts and I could feel his erection against me. I continued to pretend to sleep because at this point I was so shocked at what he was doing and didn't know what to do. I also wanted to see how far he'd go (whether he'd venture 'downstairs' - he didn't). But at one point he moved my hand on top of his penis and started lightly thrusting against my hand. Then I pretended to sleepily move my hand away. This went on for a while. But eventually I moved my body so I was lying on my stomach rather than my side so was taking up more room on the sofa and he didn't have enough space to stay there and got up. He put some covers on me and went into his bedroom. But after all this, I couldn't sleep. So after waiting for 5 or 10 minutes I sat up and pretended I'd just woken up. He came back in the room and didn't mention anything about what just happened, which means he definitely thought I was asleep.
I was so confused because I fancy this guy and if I'd been awake, I may have let him done some of that stuff anyway. But the fact that he did it to me when I was asleep really freaks me out. He doesn't seem like that type of guy, and he should know I'm not the kind of girl who would want him to do that (if there is any kind of girl who WOULD want someone to do that, I don't know). Anyway the point is now I'm so confused. I feel I can't talk about this to my closest friends because they'll urge me to report him. And I'm worried about telling our mutual friends in case they either don't believe me or turn against him and deep down he seems like a nice guy and I don't wanna get him in trouble. But I need to know, did he sexually assault me?
Last night I went out with a friend and decided to text a friend of mine who I like. He texted back quickly and after a further exchange of texts he invited me to come round to his place after I finished my night out. There are several points which need to be mentioned at this point, because from saying that it might sound like a dodgy situation.
Point number one: we're both adherents to a fairly conservative religion, which makes this whole scenario a lot more complicated. Neither of us drink alcohol, and the night out I was on was at a rock/metal club, not a typical sort of club where the sole intention seems to be picking up members of the opposite sex as I don't go to those sorts of clubs. I can't speak for him but I can say that I am a virgin because of my religious beliefs and I have no intention to have sex until marriage. I would've assumed the same about him until what happened this morning.
Point number two: The guy and I have a lot of mutual friends.
Point number three: I've been to his place very late on several occasions before and stayed there until as late as 9:30am, so I felt that going over that late wouldn't be a big deal or give a dodgy impression, and also I was happy he asked me to come round because usually when I go over to his he gets one of our mutual friends to ask me.
When I got there he and I were talking for a few hours, and he started paying me some big compliments, being very tactile, and making it obvious he's at least attracted to me physically. I responded by gradually being a bit more tactile to him, i.e. touching his arms and his hair and stuff. Anyways it got to around 11am or 12pm (I got to his at about 5am but I've gone around to other male friend's houses at that time so I hope that doesn't sound like I was 'asking for it'). And we were both tired. So I leant my head on his shoulder with him stroking my arm and he kinda laid back on the sofa a bit but we weren't really touching each other. I put my arm kinda over him but made it look like I did it inadvertently as I was asleep. And I fell asleep. Anyways a little bit later I woke up because he'd kinda like moved me down the sofa and himself too and was lying next to me with our bodies pressed against each other.
I pretended to be asleep because I wanted to see what he was doing. Anyways he carried on stroking my arm and then he moved my hair away from my neck and started kissing my neck. This went on for a while. He then kinda moved his hands around the sides of my torso and my waist. Eventually he started touching my breasts and I could feel his erection against me. I continued to pretend to sleep because at this point I was so shocked at what he was doing and didn't know what to do. I also wanted to see how far he'd go (whether he'd venture 'downstairs' - he didn't). But at one point he moved my hand on top of his penis and started lightly thrusting against my hand. Then I pretended to sleepily move my hand away. This went on for a while. But eventually I moved my body so I was lying on my stomach rather than my side so was taking up more room on the sofa and he didn't have enough space to stay there and got up. He put some covers on me and went into his bedroom. But after all this, I couldn't sleep. So after waiting for 5 or 10 minutes I sat up and pretended I'd just woken up. He came back in the room and didn't mention anything about what just happened, which means he definitely thought I was asleep.
I was so confused because I fancy this guy and if I'd been awake, I may have let him done some of that stuff anyway. But the fact that he did it to me when I was asleep really freaks me out. He doesn't seem like that type of guy, and he should know I'm not the kind of girl who would want him to do that (if there is any kind of girl who WOULD want someone to do that, I don't know). Anyway the point is now I'm so confused. I feel I can't talk about this to my closest friends because they'll urge me to report him. And I'm worried about telling our mutual friends in case they either don't believe me or turn against him and deep down he seems like a nice guy and I don't wanna get him in trouble. But I need to know, did he sexually assault me?
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were you sexually assulted? i think not - u knew what he was doing and was pretending to be asleep - if you felt he was doing something wrong you should have got up immediately (and make him look like an idiot) but the fact you knew what he was doing and was waiting for more and didnt tell him to move then no.
little one
were you sexually assulted? i think not - u knew what he was doing and was pretending to be asleep - if you felt he was doing something wrong you should have got up immediately (and make him look like an idiot) but the fact you knew what he was doing and was waiting for more and didnt tell him to move then no.
Do you think what he did was acceptable in light of the fact that he thought I was asleep? I was 'waiting for more' because I wanted to find just how far he'd go, not because I wanted him to do this to me while he thought I was asleep!
Well if he thought you were asleep then he shouldnt have done it, so he was wrong in that respect. Although if you were awake and you didnt want him to do it then you could have said something, was there a reason you didnt? Were you scared of him?
Personally if it was me Id be wary of being alone with him again- he clearly has no respect for you
Personally if it was me Id be wary of being alone with him again- he clearly has no respect for you
well yes technically i think 
if it would stand is another thing. complected situation but i would say just dont have anymore to do with him and dont put yourself in that kind of situation in future. if youre asleep, wake up and that sort of things happening / could happen, make it know that youre awake.
if it would stand is another thing. complected situation but i would say just dont have anymore to do with him and dont put yourself in that kind of situation in future. if youre asleep, wake up and that sort of things happening / could happen, make it know that youre awake.im not saying what he did was acceptable - it wasnt. but i wasnt there to tell him that u were and you should have
helenkr
strictly speaking (legally), he did, but it would never stand up in court. Why do you need to know? You know it was wrong for him to do that, so why do you need the definition?
I know it would make a very weak case and I'm not planning on reporting him, I just want to know whether this is the sort of person who I want to entertain the thought of being in a relationship with - or even the sort of person I want to have as a friend. I do like him. But this shows he has no respect for me. I'm so confused.
well its obvious what he wants?
helenkr
strictly speaking (legally), he did, but it would never stand up in court. Why do you need to know? You know it was wrong for him to do that, so why do you need the definition?
Aye pretty much.... He's probably just a naive screwed up sexually repressed religious kid whos afraid to do anything when shes awake for fear of reprisal/rejection
I think you need to talk to him about it, I mean, if you are still considering a relationship with him.
If you feel sexually assaulted then you should tell him (even if it's not equal to the legal definition of it). He needs to know that doing that to girls is unacceptable
And you should listen (but not necessarily be taken in by) his side of the story.
If you feel sexually assaulted then you should tell him (even if it's not equal to the legal definition of it). He needs to know that doing that to girls is unacceptable
And you should listen (but not necessarily be taken in by) his side of the story.little one
im not saying what he did was acceptable - it wasnt. but i wasnt there to tell him that u were and you should have
You're right. The thing is I was enjoying him kissing me at first and I didn't think he'd go any further and when he started to I was so shocked and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to embarrass him or confront him there and then cos I like him and it would make things sooooo weird because we have so many mutual friends etc.
This guy sounds like the biggest creep ever. What kinda guy does that? Urgh, why would you want to go out with someone who has some sick obsession with doing stuff to vunerable people ie in their sleep. Although you didn't stop him, I can actually understand why. It would be really embarressing for both of you if you just "woke up" and he had his dick out. So, ignore this guy. Make it obvious you were pretending to be asleep, to embarass him and find a guy who likes to screw awake people.
Why did you pretend to be asleep throughout the whole thing? You could've just pushed his hand away and he'd have got the message. He was clearly in the wrong and it is sexual assault, but you didn't need to experience the whole thing and you could have made sure he knew it was an unwelcome advance at the time, so at least he might have got the message that its completely out of order to do that to girls.
34 person
It would be really embarressing for both of you if you just "woke up" and he had his dick out. So, ignore this guy. Make it obvious you were pretending to be asleep, to embarass him and find a guy who likes to screw awake people.
I don't think his 'dick was out' , if this guy is inexperienced he may have THOUGHT what he was doing was OK. I think the OP needs to calmly speak to him, not judging him, and just say it made her uncomfortable. Then they can take it from there.
samba
Aye pretty much.... He's probably just a naive screwed up sexually repressed religious kid whos afraid to do anything when shes awake for fear of reprisal/rejection
He's 21 and intelligent and has had relationships before (he was engaged for a couple of years at one point I think), so I highly doubt that.
And he's in his second year of a LLB Law which makes the whole thing even odder, because he should be aware that what he did is sexual assault on some level, even if it would be difficult to prove in court.
I know this would probably be really hard to do but i think you should bring it up with him to gauge if you could have a serious relationship with him by his response.
You should tell him that its unacceptable and that you like him (he clearly likes you so no fear of rejection) and you dont have to be asleep for stuff to happen.
Good luck
You should tell him that its unacceptable and that you like him (he clearly likes you so no fear of rejection) and you dont have to be asleep for stuff to happen.
Good luck
I would get out of there if I were you. Get out of the relationship. You don't want to be in a relationship where every time you (really) fall asleep, you're scared he might do it again.
he probably new you were pretending, guys arn't dumb.
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