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I always feel bitter because of people's reaction towards me. Just wanted advice watch

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    I'm very quiet when I'm not at home as I struggle to think of things to say and am quite scared of saying what I think. I find I often get ignored despite making the effort for example I tried to make conversation with 2 girls in my class as we were told to do group work. One of them just looked at me muttered 'yea' then started talking to the other. Every attempt at conversation she blanked, the other girl was a bit nicer and at least acknowledged/answered me. I wouldn't care but I helped the the girl who ignored me at the start of uni when she needed someone to park I showed her a great car park lol but she's ignored me since yet will talk with the others.

    I remember back at college in biology we had a hippy type of teacher and he thought it would be a good idea to get the class to rate each other's facial attraction for a natural/sexual selection topic. He did ask everyone in the room but I just said I don't mind as I felt daft saying no when everyone else said yes. We gave everyone a score out of 10 and I didn't give anyone under a 7 as I thought it would be harsh. At the end when the scores where written on the board turns out I had been given a string of 4's and two 5's lol, even lower than the male teacher was rated lol he got a few 6's! I got the lowest average score of all I remember looking around the room as the 4's were being written on the board people just looked at me then looked away and I just pretended to smile. It affected me for years as I was fairly ok with my natural looks Ive always worked out and ran from 4- 5 times a week so eventually I decided to put it down to the fact that I had short unstylish hair, no makeup and wore baggy boyish clothes lol. Plus I was very withdrawn/quiet according to the teacher. But yea I felt a bit shown up/let down by the class as I didn't rate people as low as I thought.

    Now at home/with parents etc I speak my mind but everything I say my mum either completely ignores or starts shouting/gets annoyed at. I'm very into keeping fit and having a good diet etc and so often bring up that fact that she has takeaways every night is unhealthy. My dad rarely leaves the couch only to make himself a drink now and again, he watches tv from when he gets up until he goes to bed at 3 am. As a result he has gone extremely thin and I've also noticed his resp rate is often high and he has started wheezing. I mentioned to my mum that he is withering away in front of us and she started shouting saying 'well what can I do about it' I said calmly 'there's no use shouting I'm allowed to talk' she said 'you are making out as though it's my fault' I said 'no I'm not what makes you think that' she said 'oh piss off'. I felt very angry but just walked out not saying anything.

    So I can't help my parents but people's reactions towards me are making me feel very bitter. Just wanted advice. I'm basically on my own I can't confide in anyone I have no close friends. This is partly my fault as I've never been drawn to socialise like other girls and preferred my own company. But even when I put in the effort I get nothing back/make no close friendships. For years I've just had the attitude that if I do my own thing and succeed in things then it's all that matters but I still have the bitter feeling that I should be taken seriously/acknowledged like everyone around me seems to be. Or is it me that has got too much self pity, I've no idea :/
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    #2

    Hi, honestly there's a lot one could talk about here. I could discuss the specific situations, try and analyse what other people were thinking at the time, even act as an echo chamber, but honestly I don't really think that's what you need.

    Ultimately, you can't change other people, but you can change yourself. So if you want people to treat you differently, then you have to catalyse that change. It's often hard to do, but you need to look at all these situations and ask why people didn't treat you the way you wanted and what you could've changed to get the desired outcome (because in life, you only control your actions). You can't do this with some biased outlook that people are prejudiced against you (and people aren't prejudiced, we're very logical). Just try and empathise with their position and see if you realise anything new. Sometimes you find out a lot about yourself.

    And finally, remember that it takes time to change things. Especially if you are trying new approaches to socialising, you may find it tough at first, but it gets easier with practice.

    This was quite a vague response but I hope it gives you something to think about
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm very quiet when I'm not at home as I struggle to think of things to say and am quite scared of saying what I think. I find I often get ignored despite making the effort for example I tried to make conversation with 2 girls in my class as we were told to do group work. One of them just looked at me muttered 'yea' then started talking to the other. Every attempt at conversation she blanked, the other girl was a bit nicer and at least acknowledged/answered me. I wouldn't care but I helped the the girl who ignored me at the start of uni when she needed someone to park I showed her a great car park lol but she's ignored me since yet will talk with the others.I remember back at college in biology we had a hippy type of teacher and he thought it would be a good idea to get the class to rate each other's facial attraction for a natural/sexual selection topic. He did ask everyone in the room but I just said I don't mind as I felt daft saying no when everyone else said yes. We gave everyone a score out of 10 and I didn't give anyone under a 7 as I thought it would be harsh. At the end when the scores where written on the board turns out I had been given a string of 4's and two 5's lol, even lower than the male teacher was rated lol he got a few 6's! I got the lowest average score of all I remember looking around the room as the 4's were being written on the board people just looked at me then looked away and I just pretended to smile. It affected me for years as I was fairly ok with my natural looks Ive always worked out and ran from 4- 5 times a week so eventually I decided to put it down to the fact that I had short unstylish hair, no makeup and wore baggy boyish clothes lol. Plus I was very withdrawn/quiet according to the teacher. But yea I felt a bit shown up/let down by the class as I didn't rate people as low as I thought.Now at home/with parents etc I speak my mind but everything I say my mum either completely ignores or starts shouting/gets annoyed at. I'm very into keeping fit and having a good diet etc and so often bring up that fact that she has takeaways every night is unhealthy. My dad rarely leaves the couch only to make himself a drink now and again, he watches tv from when he gets up until he goes to bed at 3 am. As a result he has gone extremely thin and I've also noticed his resp rate is often high and he has started wheezing. I mentioned to my mum that he is withering away in front of us and she started shouting saying 'well what can I do about it' I said calmly 'there's no use shouting I'm allowed to talk' she said 'you are making out as though it's my fault' I said 'no I'm not what makes you think that' she said 'oh piss off'. I felt very angry but just walked out not saying anything.So I can't help my parents but people's reactions towards me are making me feel very bitter. Just wanted advice. I'm basically on my own I can't confide in anyone I have no close friends. This is partly my fault as I've never been drawn to socialise like other girls and preferred my own company. But even when I put in the effort I get nothing back/make no close friendships. For years I've just had the attitude that if I do my own thing and succeed in things then it's all that matters but I still have the bitter feeling that I should be taken seriously/acknowledged like everyone around me seems to be. Or is it me that has got too much self pity, I've no idea :/

    Sorry for not replying to you sooner, I am a slow reader and typist.

    I think your problem is that you feel people don't want to talk to you or hear your opinion, so you get anxious about talking and then can't think of anything to say. You need to find someone who you feel wants to talk to you, a friend who just wants to talk to you. Do you find it easier talking to people online? Can you PM me please, I would like to talk to you. You seem interesting.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm very quiet when I'm not at home as I struggle to think of things to say and am quite scared of saying what I think. I find I often get ignored despite making the effort for example I tried to make conversation with 2 girls in my class as we were told to do group work. One of them just looked at me muttered 'yea' then started talking to the other. Every attempt at conversation she blanked, the other girl was a bit nicer and at least acknowledged/answered me. I wouldn't care but I helped the the girl who ignored me at the start of uni when she needed someone to park I showed her a great car park lol but she's ignored me since yet will talk with the others.

    I remember back at college in biology we had a hippy type of teacher and he thought it would be a good idea to get the class to rate each other's facial attraction for a natural/sexual selection topic. He did ask everyone in the room but I just said I don't mind as I felt daft saying no when everyone else said yes. We gave everyone a score out of 10 and I didn't give anyone under a 7 as I thought it would be harsh. At the end when the scores where written on the board turns out I had been given a string of 4's and two 5's lol, even lower than the male teacher was rated lol he got a few 6's! I got the lowest average score of all I remember looking around the room as the 4's were being written on the board people just looked at me then looked away and I just pretended to smile. It affected me for years as I was fairly ok with my natural looks Ive always worked out and ran from 4- 5 times a week so eventually I decided to put it down to the fact that I had short unstylish hair, no makeup and wore baggy boyish clothes lol. Plus I was very withdrawn/quiet according to the teacher. But yea I felt a bit shown up/let down by the class as I didn't rate people as low as I thought.

    Now at home/with parents etc I speak my mind but everything I say my mum either completely ignores or starts shouting/gets annoyed at. I'm very into keeping fit and having a good diet etc and so often bring up that fact that she has takeaways every night is unhealthy. My dad rarely leaves the couch only to make himself a drink now and again, he watches tv from when he gets up until he goes to bed at 3 am. As a result he has gone extremely thin and I've also noticed his resp rate is often high and he has started wheezing. I mentioned to my mum that he is withering away in front of us and she started shouting saying 'well what can I do about it' I said calmly 'there's no use shouting I'm allowed to talk' she said 'you are making out as though it's my fault' I said 'no I'm not what makes you think that' she said 'oh piss off'. I felt very angry but just walked out not saying anything.

    So I can't help my parents but people's reactions towards me are making me feel very bitter. Just wanted advice. I'm basically on my own I can't confide in anyone I have no close friends. This is partly my fault as I've never been drawn to socialise like other girls and preferred my own company. But even when I put in the effort I get nothing back/make no close friendships. For years I've just had the attitude that if I do my own thing and succeed in things then it's all that matters but I still have the bitter feeling that I should be taken seriously/acknowledged like everyone around me seems to be. Or is it me that has got too much self pity, I've no idea :/
    I think you have had a few events happen that have made you view the whole world of social interactions in the same light. By this I mean that it is a combination of having met some unfortunately unpleasant people but at the same time have felt entitled to being 'acknowledged' without putting in sufficient effort and as a result have further distanced yourself from a resolution.

    Speaking up once or twice on one occasion won't enable you to grab someone's attention and make them want to listen to what you have to say. That happens by voicing your opinions (within reason) on multiple occasions in a manor that is constructive/tactful, well thought out/logical, and sensitive/empathetic to more than one world view but most importantly direct.

    An example that you gave was of your father 'withering away'. You went to your mother to seek advise for how to deal with the situation, and whilst that is not a terrible solution, it is far from ideal from what we can see from the outcome. Firstly, it may be a better idea to talk to your father directly as he is the one who has to make the lifestyle change for himself and not through your mum - sit down with him and ask him how he's doing, what's recently changed that means that he's got into this habit, etc,. Secondly, whilst your mothers response was overly harsh, you can see from it that she thinks you judge her choices/lifestyle (corroborated by your comments on her diet of takeaways - whilst that is a fair comment, she is an adult that is able to make her own decisions on what she puts in her own body) so she also think you feel she is to blame for your father's lifestyle. This is where you need to implement tact because unless someone asks you for your opinion on things that are not immediately life threatening to their wellbeing, giving unsolicited advice can feel abrasive and judgemental to receive.

    I think to a certain extent you overthink what people are thinking about you - in reality (and not to be harsh) unless you are vocal or their friend, more or less you are a background character in their own lives who they don't give much thought to outside of situations you directly relate to, just someone they know of and you can take a positive from that because people aren't conspiring against you. That girl who brushed you off wasn't warm towards you or excited to speak to you because you barely know each other on a personal level apart from one interaction you had nearly 6 months ago, in which time she has most probably met 100 new people.

    You also can't complain that people put what they honestly felt in that attractiveness scale because you weren't honest about your scoring. You expect people to act as you do and are offended when they don't - that isn't a fair expectation to have for people because they haven't lived the life you have so don't share the exact same perspective.

    Furthermore, I have a personal belief that a large part of how attractive you find a person also includes their personality. My point being, from the sounds of it, you've shut yourself off from people so they don't know your personality and so their only way of assessing your attractiveness is through physical appearance. I have met people who are physically pretty attractive but as soon as I knew their personality wasn't a good fit with mine, I lost the majority of that attraction to them, and the opposite was also true, someone who is below average in looks can be super attractive if you find yourself clicking with them on that personal level due to the chemistry. I'm not saying you're below average even if that's what you scored on some silly test. Another very important thing to remember is that everyone's personal tastes for appearance are different and what you find attractive is most likely really different to what I am attracted to, and that's completely fine. So what that a class of max. 40 people thought you were below average? Are any of them your soulmate, do you want to date them? No? Well then who cares what they think of you?? There will be many people who's type is exactly you and will find you drop-dead gorgeous but you have to just wait until those people find you.

    I think a final thing to say is that don't let a few things make you bitter. Try to care less about what people think and live your life how you think is best. Put yourself out there more often and I'm sure you'll find a group of like-minded people
 
 
 
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