The Student Room Group

Getting over him... for good

Some of you will have read my previous posts and some won't, but the short story is that, after two amazing, difficult, confusing and exhilarating years, my boyfriend and I have split up. We've split twice before and always ended up getting back together a couple of months down the line because we miss each other so much and both still love each other. But when we do get back together, the old problems eventually resurface. We've tried and tried but, for various reasons, we've arrived at the painful realisation that no matter how much we love each other, our relationship doesn't work any more.

This time, the break has to be for good. I adore him more than I know how to handle, but the relationship has no future and I cannot bear the agony of going through the cycle of getting back together only to break up again and for it to hurt all the more. In the past, after splitting we've kept in contact as friends and ended up back in each other's arms because we just miss each other so much. So, on Friday, crying on each other's shoulders, we decided to cut contact this time to try and help us both get over it. All I've been able to think about for the last 48 hours is how much I want to text him or hear his voice, but I know I can't and of course it hurts like hell.

Is cutting contact the right thing to do? What else can I do to help myself get over him - for good this time? Everyone says that time is a great healer, but in the past, when we split up for a couple of months I actually missed him more with every day that passed, and I just can't do that this time, I need to get over him otherwise I'm going to lose my mind. I'm trying spending time with friends, keeping busy with work, and all the rest, but is there anything else I can do? Anything that's worked for anyone else? I would have spent the rest of my life with this man and I don't know how I'm ever going to get over him. He was such an important part of my life and every song I hear, every place I go, everything I say or do, just reminds me of him and I can't bear not sharing my life with him any more. I feel sick every morning when I wake up and remember that I'm not with him any more. My head knows it's for the best, but how can I help my heart get there too?

I've collected all my stuff from his flat, locked all momentos of him away in a box, and I have to get over him now, but please, someone help me figure out how to do it?

Reply 1

Hey, similar situation here. Love my ex to bits but am going to live abroad for the best part of two years and it just was never going to work. He wanted to stay in touch, but I knew I'd run back to him within days if we did. Its been a month now, and it does get easier. You're still going to love him, but maybe you can draw comfort from knowing that there's someone somewhere in the world who loves you no matter what. I find just keeping busy all the time helps. And trying to be happy, because at least now you're out of contact you don't have to worry about making them feel bad when you have a good day without them. There will be rubbish days too, I had a bad dream last night and wanted so badly to call him when I woke up, but I haven't and those days get fewer with farther between. Don't know if I've helped at all, but I can at least sympathise! Good luck, it sounds like you know you're doing the right thing x x x

Oh, and one thing I've found does help is to turn the thoughts on their head, rather than thinking "I mustn't contact him because it will make it harder to get over him" try "I mustn't contact him because he's going through this struggle as well and it'll be even harder on him", I find it easier to cope if I think I'm doing it for his sake. Just a thought.

Reply 2

bewithoutyou
I've collected all my stuff from his flat, locked all momentos of him away in a box, and I have to get over him now, but please, someone help me figure out how to do it?

I'd do the same as you - cut contact and sort your head out. I went through the whole putting everything in a box thing too. Taped it up and placed it right at the bottom of the wardrobe. It works, eventually. Get out again with your mates, get involved in work/sport/whatever, have fun - you're not trying to forget, you're trying to move on. I only opened that box again once, though I got through a bottle and a half of wine that night :rolleyes:. 9 months on and the situation's been a bit ****ed up in the last week, but hey.

You have it bad, you'll have a miserable time for a while. Things will get better - always do. Good luck!

Reply 3

bewithoutyou
Some of you will have read my previous posts and some won't, but the short story is that, after two amazing, difficult, confusing and exhilarating years, my boyfriend and I have split up. We've split twice before and always ended up getting back together a couple of months down the line because we miss each other so much and both still love each other. But when we do get back together, the old problems eventually resurface. We've tried and tried but, for various reasons, we've arrived at the painful realisation that no matter how much we love each other, our relationship doesn't work any more.

This time, the break has to be for good. I adore him more than I know how to handle, but the relationship has no future and I cannot bear the agony of going through the cycle of getting back together only to break up again and for it to hurt all the more. In the past, after splitting we've kept in contact as friends and ended up back in each other's arms because we just miss each other so much. So, on Friday, crying on each other's shoulders, we decided to cut contact this time to try and help us both get over it. All I've been able to think about for the last 48 hours is how much I want to text him or hear his voice, but I know I can't and of course it hurts like hell.

Is cutting contact the right thing to do? What else can I do to help myself get over him - for good this time? Everyone says that time is a great healer, but in the past, when we split up for a couple of months I actually missed him more with every day that passed, and I just can't do that this time, I need to get over him otherwise I'm going to lose my mind. I'm trying spending time with friends, keeping busy with work, and all the rest, but is there anything else I can do? Anything that's worked for anyone else? I would have spent the rest of my life with this man and I don't know how I'm ever going to get over him. He was such an important part of my life and every song I hear, every place I go, everything I say or do, just reminds me of him and I can't bear not sharing my life with him any more. I feel sick every morning when I wake up and remember that I'm not with him any more. My head knows it's for the best, but how can I help my heart get there too?

I've collected all my stuff from his flat, locked all momentos of him away in a box, and I have to get over him now, but please, someone help me figure out how to do it?


I had a similar relationship with my ex. The first time we split up, I was at a very low point - the same place you are now, I'd wager. When we finally split up this year, I knew it was the right thing to do, so I didn't hurt in that way. But I have felt the way you're feeling now and I understand.

You're right to get rid of the things that remind you of him. You don't have to throw them out, just keep them locked away until you're ready to look at them again. (I can't guarantee it will be any time in 2007, but you will be ready one day, and it won't hurt when you are.)

Use your support network. Your friends love you, and will support you if you need them. You might feel stupid constantly calling them up to sob down the phone, but you'd do the same for them.

In the moments where you can't bring yourself to call a friend - call the Samaritans. I'd never admit this ordinarily, but when I was at my lowest, I called the Samaritans. The guy on the other end of the phone didn't wave a magic wand and fix everything, but he made me feel better and calmer. It was a bit of a turning point for me, I think.

It might help to write a list of reasons why things wouldn't have worked out with your ex. Keep them next to your bed and reread them every time you feel weak.

Reply 4

Thank you for such thoughtful replies so far guys, there is rep coming to all of you.

Trog

Oh, and one thing I've found does help is to turn the thoughts on their head, rather than thinking "I mustn't contact him because it will make it harder to get over him" try "I mustn't contact him because he's going through this struggle as well and it'll be even harder on him", I find it easier to cope if I think I'm doing it for his sake.


This is really good advice, and helped me late last night when I just wanted to text him... but it's also made me realise that there's a small, selfish part of me that wants to contact him because I don't want to let him get over me. Without going into detail, the break up is a lot more about his issues and problems than mine, and part of me is terrified that he's going to get over me too quickly and move on before I do. I can't bear the thought that in a month or two he might be fine and happily dating someone new whilst I know it's going to take me a long, long, long time to clear my head again. I know it's nasty and horrible, but I think part of the reason it's so hard for me to cut contact is that I really want him to miss me and feel sad, even though I know it won't help anything :frown:

fallen_xx

In the moments where you can't bring yourself to call a friend - call the Samaritans. I'd never admit this ordinarily, but when I was at my lowest, I called the Samaritans. The guy on the other end of the phone didn't wave a magic wand and fix everything, but he made me feel better and calmer. It was a bit of a turning point for me, I think.

It might help to write a list of reasons why things wouldn't have worked out with your ex. Keep them next to your bed and reread them every time you feel weak.


These are really good suggestions too. Although my friends have been really good, it's only 5 months since I was crying on their shoulders over our previous break up, and I feel bad unloading it all on them (despite the fact that I know that this one is permanent, because it has to be). A list of reasons would be a good idea. It's stupid but I find it hard to think of them now because I just miss him so much - I know there are lots of reasons why it wouldn't have worked, but there are also lots of reasons why I love him and wish with all my heart we could have fixed things.

Thanks for the support people... it really means a lot right now.

Reply 5

Just bumping this up to see if anyone has any more thoughts...

Reply 6

Trog
Hey, similar situation here. Love my ex to bits but am going to live abroad for the best part of two years and it just was never going to work. He wanted to stay in touch, but I knew I'd run back to him within days if we did. Its been a month now, and it does get easier. You're still going to love him, but maybe you can draw comfort from knowing that there's someone somewhere in the world who loves you no matter what. I find just keeping busy all the time helps. And trying to be happy, because at least now you're out of contact you don't have to worry about making them feel bad when you have a good day without them. There will be rubbish days too, I had a bad dream last night and wanted so badly to call him when I woke up, but I haven't and those days get fewer with farther between. Don't know if I've helped at all, but I can at least sympathise! Good luck, it sounds like you know you're doing the right thing x x x

Oh, and one thing I've found does help is to turn the thoughts on their head, rather than thinking "I mustn't contact him because it will make it harder to get over him" try "I mustn't contact him because he's going through this struggle as well and it'll be even harder on him", I find it easier to cope if I think I'm doing it for his sake. Just a thought.


think you've made the right move , with the things you've said here.Hope all goes well for you!!

Reply 7

it is really really hard and such a hard time to go through.. its harder not to keep contact but in the long run itll be best - soon ull bump into each other and just be friends but that probably wont happen for a good few years once you're comepletely over each other. like someone said - hes going through the same thing so all you can do is help him by helping yourself. it harder breaking up like this rather then having a fight because when you fight your so angry and say mean things and they say them back and when its time to break up its easier coz at that moment in time you hate them. look at it like this - you and him are in the same boat, try not to give in as much as you want to - the longer you last without talking to him the quicker you'll become plain friends. i really do hope everything goes well, if you want to talk, just PM me :smile:

Reply 8

why do all girls like their ex's so much? i mean seriously can't u get another guy? just a curious question

Reply 9

because girls just generally become more attached to the guy and is harder to let go...

Reply 10

wouldn't it be easier for u to get over him if you got with another guy tho??

Reply 11

Ah yes. We have a genius in our midst.

Why did none of us females think of that sooner?:rolleyes:

Reply 12

Fixed04
wouldn't it be easier for u to get over him if you got with another guy tho??


That is the worst thing to do.

Reply 13

Fixed04
wouldn't it be easier for u to get over him if you got with another guy tho??

Reply 14

Fixed04
wouldn't it be easier for u to get over him if you got with another guy tho??

!NO! This is NOT the way to get over anyone EVER