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In a current state of "I don't know..." watch

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    So I have been dealing with depression for some years now. In January last year, during my final year of bachelor's it started getting worse. I could not get out of bed, I missed most lectures, I had difficulties writing my dissertation, I had zero energy, zero appetite etc.

    After a month I decided to seek help and went to the doctor who prescribed me antidepressants. I started on 5mg, then increased to 10mg, 20mg and I have been on 40mg for over half a year now.

    Back then I used to live with my mum and in the same town as my girlfriend. I am now living in another city for a master's, far away from my mum and girlfriend who I see once or twice a month.

    Things have been actually good for a while, but now they are starting to get worse. I am starting to feel depressed again. I am staying up late at night, I don't want to sleep, but at the same time I am tired and have to sleep. Plus I have loads of coursework, soon exams and a dissertation to write...

    My mind is going everywhere... I am starting to get a very "meh" attitude towards my path in life, however the path has been very fruitful so far: university medal for my bachelor's (no idea how that happened to be honest), sponsorship from a big consultancy to do my master's, with a signed contract to start working with them after I graduate, an offer for a PhD for the future if I want.

    But somehow, whilst this seemed amazing at a time, I can't feel anything right now about this. Many people would be grateful of these things, not many people get these opportunities. Yet, here I am, sitting in bed right now, almost 3.00am, and I can't feel anything...

    I am slipping back in a dark place that I used to be in a year ago. I don't know what I want from myself.

    Over the past months I started getting more and more interested in physics (my current degree is in engineering), and somewhere in the back of my head I would love to rewind everything and go do a physics degree, but then reality kicks me in the balls and reminds me of what I actually have, and that I actually have no money to do another degree, nor do my parents who one is working on minimum wage and the other is in my home country, earning close to nothing in British money...

    My girlfriend and I waited for so long to have a job, move together and have a normal life, and I still want that, but at the same time I don't know what I want... I can't go through another who knows how many years of being poor, having no friends, no holidays, not going out or anything...

    I will probably seem like a spoilt brat to many of you, considering what I have and how I cannot appreciate it... but that's depression I guess...

    Would love to hear your opinion on my situation... Thank you... (really wanted to share this to get it out of my chest).
    • #2
    #2

    I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression during the end of my A-Levels. I was on antidepressants for about half a year until I decided to stop taking them cold turkey as I felt they didn't make me any happier. I got a place studying electrical and electronic engineering at Swansea university and worked hard through my first semester and got a first in most of my modules. That being said my depression has came back and has gotten worse. I just dropped out of university in the second semester and am now living at home with my parents. I completely understand what you say having no money, friends and not being able to go out which is why I quit. Have you felt like this all throughout university?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression during the end of my A-Levels. I was on antidepressants for about half a year until I decided to stop taking them cold turkey as I felt they didn't make me any happier. I got a place studying electrical and electronic engineering at Swansea university and worked hard through my first semester and got a first in most of my modules. That being said my depression has came back and has gotten worse. I just dropped out of university in the second semester and am now living at home with my parents. I completely understand what you say having no money, friends and not being able to go out which is why I quit. Have you felt like this all throughout university?
    Thanks for your answer.

    Yes, I have felt like this throughout all my 4 years of university. I couldn't make friends because I was not into binge drinking and clubbing, whilst everyone was... I had a part time job, so even if I wanted to have fun, it was all university and working... I had no energy all the time, so again, even if I wanted to have fun, I was too exhausted.

    All my 4 years were spent in the house or at work basically, with the occasional dinner with my girlfriend at Nandos or something similar. If it weren't for my girlfriend who is actually my only friend, I would have probably killed myself.

    Now that I am far away from everyone, in a different city, by myself, makes me feel horribly lonely, which has brought back my depression. I am afraid to go off my anti depressants, as much as I would like to, but I know they have worked on me. If I feel this horrible on anti depressants, I can't imagine how I would feel without them or what stupid things I will end up doing, like hurting myself, or worse, kill myself.

    Coming from another country where I had great friends, with whom I could have had fun without binge drinking or taking drugs, and coming to the UK, for my future career, and having no friends, far away from most of my family, has made me get to the state that I am...
 
 
 
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